


Your Fire is My Fire

by Caledra, naein



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Photographer, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Suh Youngho | Johnny Are Best Friends, Lee Taeyong & Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten Are Best Friends, M/M, Minor Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Minor Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Misunderstandings, Model Ten, POV Multiple, Photographer Suh Youngho | Johnny, Pining, Slow Burn, Smut, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-01-18 20:01:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 145,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21282452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledra/pseuds/Caledra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/naein/pseuds/naein
Summary: Johnnyis living a pretty normal life in Seoul, South Korea. Just like everyone in his age, he is chasing after dreams and looking for something bigger to achieve every day.He tried plenty of jobs, before actually deciding to make a living with his hobby and passion - Photography.  It's not easy to gain popularity and recognition with his profession.But that did not make him doubt that he made the right decisions in life and soon enough his hard work will be paid off.But - recent events just made it harder for him than expected.Johnny is very aware of it and trying to find a way out of the artist's block.In a world where everything’s controlled by looksTenis the very centre of attention, working as a high end fashion model. Trends come and go, and in the end everything is temporary. Only ever stopping for that brief moment when a shot is taken, forever kept as a souvenir of what once were.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 19
Kudos: 80





	1. Autumn Leaves

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first collaboration between [@dracospungen](https://dracospungen.tumblr.com/) & [@caledra](https://caledraloire.tumblr.com/). Every line written in Johnny's voice is written by @caledra (so is Jaehyun, Yuta, Doyoung and Yangyang), every line in Ten's voice by @dracospungen (and Taeyong, Sicheng, Kun and Mark).  
We have edited this story ourselves, owning up to all our mistakes and mishaps. Tags will be updated as the story evolves accordingly.  
This is an AU, characters are based off NCT's idols but are by no means associated with the artists or the company itself. We take no claims on the real people referred in this story. Everything is fictional. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Extended summary _Johnny_:**  
_"We keep this love in a photograph, made these memories for ourselves, our eyes are never closing, Hearts are never broken. And time's forever frozen still"_  
Johnny lived most time of his childhood in Chicago, U.S. and was enjoying the benefit from a loving family, a multicultural life, a good education and the freedom to speak his mind.  
He tried plenty of jobs after school, before actually deciding to make a living with his hobby and passion - Photography.  
However, he wished to proof himself to others, was curious about the world and the many places he could visit.  
So the decision had been made a couple of years ago to move to Seoul, South Korea. It was not surprising really, since he had korean roots and was able to still speak it fluently, thanks to his parents.  
However, it was not easy to establish himself there, life was different and so were the people.  
But he made it work, doing mini jobs to pay the bills and finally got some solid contracts as freelancer for local magazines, blogs and newspapers. 
> 
> He is living a normal life but of course dreaming from something bigger than just that. It's not easy to gain popularity and recognition with his profession.  
But that did not make him doubt that he made the right decisions in life and soon enough his hard work will be paid off.  
But - recent events just made it harder for him than expected.  
His muse had left him a couple of weeks ago, a little fur ball of a cat that belonged to his ex-girlfriend. With the break-up, she moved out and took the cat with her.  
Firstly, Johnny did not recognize a change, but with the passing days he got more and more displeased with his work, his inspiration was unnoticable, the ideas felt pale in comparison.  
A solid artist's block found a new victim. 
> 
> Luckily, his best friend Yonnoh is around and supporting the photographer as best he can.  
But Johnny knows that he has to take any chances that will cross his path and walk around with eyes wide open to find again what he lost.

╔═════∘◦ εïз ◦∘══════╗

„𝓜𝓾𝓼𝓮“

𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓯𝓲𝓻𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓶𝔂 𝓯𝓲𝓻𝓮.

╚═════∘◦ εïз ◦∘══════╝

* * *

**JOHNNY**

It was early when his alarm went off and Johnny stretched his arms with a yawn. He rolled on his back after he chose the snooze option and looked at the ceiling until the alarm went off another time.

Usually a little paw would have woken him up way sooner. Usually there was a warm on his belly, a soft purring audible at his ear. But not anymore.

Even so the break up with his girlfriend was 3 months ago, he still could not get used to the silence in the apartment. He missed her cat - Sparks. That little fur ball was nuts about Johnny and the other way around. But she brought the cat with her when she moved in… and of course took him with her when she moved out. And so Johnny had to get used to wake up alone again and he needed to find a new muse to get some inspiration and motivation for his work again.

Photography was his job, but usually Johnny’s passion and hobby too. For him there was always something magical about capturing the beauty of moments in pictures - so they can live on in our memories.

On the job he was publishing his photos in local newspapers and magazines, writing small articles about the captions, maybe participating in small exhibitions.

He was not that known yet, but this never really had been his focus anyway.

If fame would come with it at one point, it will be fortunate. If not, than at least he could do what he loves for a living and at the moment he could pay his bills just fine with the monthly income.

And with this mind set – he walked through every day, taking pictures, talking to all kind of different people, travelling around for the best shots and then going home to edit his work.

For the job he only needed digital pictures and were enhancing them on his laptop.

But with a private interest, Johnny also developed his favourite shots the old traditional way, almost celebrating the creation of them in a ceremonial way and loved to hold the finished results in hands instead of just having them on the screen. He had a small room for just that hobby in his average sized apartment and could spend hours in the dark room with the red light, developing photos.

But he ran out of ideas… for almost three months now. His boss was still pleased with his results and articles but Johnny knew that he was slacking. The spark in each photo was missing.

His muse „Sparks“ was missing.

Johnny rubbed his face and sighed before deciding to get ready for the day.

He got himself a coffee at the little store below his apartment and also had a bagel but put that one in his bag, not feeling too hungry at the moment.

He walked through the park and enjoyed his coffee, taking some photos from the lovely autumn atmosphere that surrounded him and did quick glances at them when he heard some voices not too far away from him. Curious about it - Johnny walked in the direction and saw a couple of people. He knew quickly by the equipment and set up that a photoshoot was going on and of course his hazel eyes moved to the center of it in a second.

His mouth opened slowly as he felt captivated by the model, who posed for his photographer in such a graceful way. It was breathtaking.

Wow.

Johnny walked closer to them, not making a secret of his presence and just watching it. It burnt in his fingers to take a picture as well from this man but figured it might cause some drama. He was not just a model but doing some dancing moves, amazing poses to capture.

But Johnny noticed that the other photographer was.. not doing his job properly. The lightning… was much better from another perspective. How could he neglect that?

The longer he watched, the more Johnny got bothered by the other‘s work. The model was giving his all for this shots and the other just did them with an half ass attitude.

He should leave and let them be.

„More to the right“ is what he said instead and got the photographer‘s attention. „There.. you see the shadows from the leaves on his jacket… it will give a much more eye-catching effect for him“

And then his eyes met that of the model.. or dancer - Johnny didn’t know but he gave him a warm smile and also nodded politely for a greeting. He was really handsome, Johnny had to admit that but could not hold onto this moment because the photographer‘s Assistent asked him to leave.

Of course… they had been more sensible ways to approach. So Johnny just gave the pretty male an apologising shrug and actually walked away, chewing on his inner cheeks to have said something in first place.

Why did he even bother? Why did he feel this burning on his fingertips to do it himself? For a moment he felt a spark but was too busy to blame himself to have upset the other, then to notice it properly.

* * *

**TEN**

_“_Sunlight”, Lee Taeyong had told him about two months ago, with _emphasis_.

If Ten was honest, he couldn’t really understand the point—but then he wasn’t the photographer, Taeyong was.

It had started out as a joke. The two of them sprawled out on Ten’s rather modest sofa. A film had been playing but none of them had spared it much attention the last fifteen minutes or so. Taeyong had been on his phone, lazily scrolling through his instagram and as Ten had glanced over Taeyong’s shoulder he had seen his own account on display.

“That’s my feed,” Ten blurted and it had sounded a lot more stupid said out loud than he had thought it would, but then what do you do when your mate checks your account?

Ten wasn’t easily embarrassed but it was a little awkward nonetheless.

Taeyong had ignored him, instead he had said: “What if you were my model?”

Ten had tried to sit up at that, leaning on his elbows as he had turned towards his friend, “I graduated last year and I could need a little help to get started.”

And so Ten found himself on set. It was nothing he hadn’t done several times before, but it was a new situation anyway. It always was, when there was a new photographer to work with; and this time, it was his friend (so naturally Ten tried his best).

Taeyong had insisted that it was going to be an outdoors shoot.

“Real sunlight emits a whole variety of colours”, he had said and Ten hadn’t argued with him. Closing his mouth at all the unspoken questions regarding control. The way you couldn’t possibly control the lightning outdoors as well as in a studio. But maybe that was what Taeyong had wanted, to experiment and to _add_ colour.

Ten had the resources, the contacts to get Taeyong working in a studio, but the stubborn bastard kept to his word and now Ten was sprinkled in “authentic” autumn leaves—as Taeyong had put it. This was, in Ten’s opinion, one of the most romantic and most “authentic” shoots he had done this year.

Ten wasn’t necessarily a model—well he was, but he preferred to refer to himself as a dancer first and foremost, even though it wasn’t his dance performances that payed his rent. It was the photoshoots. If Ten had known how much money was put in the fashion industry when he was younger he might have tried to get into an agency at a much younger age.

He was too short to do most of the fashion shows, but studio photographers seemed to love him. His knowledge in dance genres reaching from b-boying and hip-hop to contemporary, and his hypermobility made him a perfect subject, allowing him to bend in shapes, and bring new ideas to the table in ways many other models could only dream of. Ten knew he was good and the industry knew it too, if his earnings from the shoots said anything. However he didn’t pull as many jobs as he could have, instead he had once again tried to live off his performances, but being a dancer was difficult.

It was with a dancer’s skills he moved before Taeyong’s camera. Usually the photographer gave a lot of directions but Taeyong knew Ten loved to improvise, loved to _perform_ when he was given the opportunity. So with only one assistant Taeyong had asked Ten to be creative. They would do this shoot “together”, and Ten had agreed, happy to help and glad to let his body take him where he wanted for once.

A small speaker was put on the ground beside Taeyong, playing a wistful melody on a low volume; enough to reach Ten a few feet away but not loud enough to disturb any passerby.

It was a solo performed with a piano, and Ten did his best to convey the same emotions through his movements. Moving in slow circles, arms following in graceful waves and pausing, only long enough to hear the shutter being pressed to move to his next position: arms held high over his head, fingers reaching upwards into nothing, the black sleeves of the shirt pooling around his elbows.

That’s when Ten heard a voice he wasn’t acquainted with. Ten knew voices well, sometimes even better than he knew faces. He could tell it was a direction, said with precision, a photographer’s or a director’s voice—but it wasn’t Taeyong, so Ten lowered his head. Fingers still held high as he moved his gaze over to the stranger, meeting hazel eyes as a brilliant smile took over the stranger’s face. He was cute.

It all went so quickly, and then the bloke was already walking away.

Ten flicked his eyes back at Taeyong, giving him a meaning look and Taeyong seemed to take the hint, wetting his lip as he lowered his camera.

“Hey,” Taeyong called after the man with hazel eyes, “you’re right… sorry I didn’t reply right away. You surprised me, that’s all. How come you noticed that, the angle and everything?”

The assistant seemed worried, but Taeyong shot him an apologetic smile and looked back to the stranger again, “If you got the time to spare?”

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Johnny threw the empty plastic mug of coffee into the trash that he passed when he heard the same voice again, though now it was actually approaching him. Hm how odd. The photographer turned around to see the other coming over to him and actually apologising. He did not expect it in first place but was glad that his interruption had not been that badly as he thought. So Johnny smiled at the other „ah please.. it’s fine. If anything… I am sorry to have interrupted your photoshoot.“ and pointed at his own camera.

„It‘s my job and love of my life… Finding the best perspectives for the best photos.“ he then offered his hand to the other photographer. „Name‘s Johnny,.. and I am sorry I bumped into you and had nothing better to do than playing a smartass.

Call it a habit to not keep my mouth shut when I should.“ his apology was meant genuinely and then he looked over to the model.

There was this weird feeling again… this wish to delivery the best photos to someone this flawless and professional. „If you like… I‘ll show you what I mean.“ he offered and both males returned to the still waiting model.

„Hey there.“ he bowed politely with his head and turned back to the other photographer „You See…“ Johnny used his fingers to actually form some sort of frame and was looking through that straight to the model, noticing those piercing eyes, the smooth skin, the great outfit that suited him perfectly. Wow.. what a Motive.

He returned to his explanation and added

„The angle is great, You did not do anything wrong with that. You actually can‘t make mistakes with a model like him. Any photo will be amazing.“

Johnny did not even processed what he was saying even so this was a straight honest compliment. He was too focused on explaining things, and cluelessly continued…

„But sometimes light and shadows are dancing with one another and it’s our job to dance along to find a position that will highlight it to perfection.„

He moved around, still forming the frame with his fingers and even got down on his knees in the grass until he found the right position and smiled proudly. „Come here and take a photo from this position please… you might see what I mean“.

Johnny got up and eagerly waited for the other to check the photo on his display screen after he took quiet a few from the position. His eyes focused on the model for a little longer and he smiled at him, happy to be of help. It seemed the other photographer was totally pleased with the result and even ran over to the model to show it.

Johnny wished he could take a picture too, because for the first time in weeks he felt this satisfaction he usually got from taking pictures. That feeling he missed dearly. Yet he had not even taken the photo himself but still felt the completion.

Johnny nodded with a proud smile and after a moment of consideration, he picked out a card for both. „Please let me know when the work get published and where. I will look forward to it. Oh and.. again I am sorry for my rude interference. Maybe we bump into each other again.. the world is so small“

* * *

**TEN**

The shoot had wrapped up nicely. Taeyong had seemed to fidget less and the focus Ten knew Taeyong had in him had seemed to come back after the meeting with the stranger. The stranger who’s name was _Johnny Suh_.

Johnny had left with a smile on his face and words holding quiet promises of _something_. Ten never got the opportunity to introduce himself. He had heard Taeyong’s introduction, excited he had hurriedly told the man his name “Lee Taeyong,” and then they had been off talking theory and lightning and there was simply no time for Ten to be anything other than a model—not that he minded. Ten loved working. He lived for his job, would happily state he was married to his job.

Working was all that he put his energy into, job hours or spare time—it was all the same. If Ten had the time, he put it on work. Only a few distractions taking up his time in between. Friends and colleagues who didn’t know him would think him crazy. A maniac. A workaholic. But it was what had taken him this far. What was Ten without his ambitious, and hard work? It was rooted at his very core.

Ten moved onto the next position, bending backwards, using only his legs to balance the rest of his body, feet still placed on the ground. Ten was used to compliments, he got them in many and often. But mostly they came as stares continuing for a bit too long; a hand resting on his hips, nudging to indicate something else—something more. Words were a rarity, not as often thrown around in a professtional situation nor in clubs he performed or visited himself. The bloke had said it so quickly, slipping on his tongue so easily as if the words were absolute, as if it had been a fact—and then he was gone, and Ten hadn’t even noticed his leaving. He never got the time to say goodbye (but then Ten had never been one for goodbyes). Instead _that_ had been a fact when Taeyong had come towards him, a gleeful smile playing on his lips.

“Got all I wanted, it’s a wrap,” Taeyong had practically bounced off the ground.

Ten had glanced around, but no one other than the assistant was to be seen. No trace of Johnny. None except:  
Taeyong’s hand collided with Ten’s chest, and Ten looked down. A card held between Taeyong’s index finger and thumb.

“He left two for the both of us, this one’s yours.”

Johnny hadn’t been on Ten’s mind at all after the shoot. Ten had continued his days the way he always did. Practice during most evenings and checking with his agent for new job offers.

The business card left forgotten on his nightstand, and then a week had past, and then another, and then a third.

Ten had been to a couple photoshoots since, mostly because there wasn’t enough clubs that wanted to invite him to perform.

“Dancing,” they said, eyebrows raised and arms crossed over their chests, “do you do pole dancing?”

Ten didn’t mind pole dancing. It craved muscles like hell and a lot of technique, but it wasn’t his field. Nor was it the kind of job he wanted to perform.

It was difficult. He couldn’t dance ballet, and so many of the professional dance offers were out of his reach.

Instead Ten simply had to pull modelling jobs. Posing in more and more expensive suits and sometimes even the most unique high fashion creations. It should have been exciting, but mostly it was just paying the rent—and the realisation itself was awful. Ten hated that the feeling of being restricted, unable to perform in the way he wanted made him seem ungrateful for what he already had. Ten hated being ungrateful.

Perhaps that was why he turned around in his bed that evening, insomnia hovering like a ghost above him.

Ten’s eyes flicked over his bedside table, catching on the flat item laying on the surface. He reached out to pick up the small rectangular paper.

Ten could only just make out the letters in the faint light in the room, a thin stream filtering inside from the street below.

_Johnny Suh_, it read in exclusive looking letters. _Photographer_.

_Right_, Ten thought, wondering why the existence of the man had vanished from his mind, _Johnny from Taeyong’s shoot, hazel eyes and a coffee cup_.

He chewed the inside of his cheeks. Ten wasn’t very shy, but the card made him unsure. The man he had seen for only those few minutes had seemed so… “authentic” (as Taeyong had stressed the shoot itself was going to be), so out of

Ten’s world. Maybe _Johnny_ was exactly what he needed.

Ten picked up his phone, blue light blinding him before his eyes could adjust. He pushed in numbers, one after the other.

This was always thrilling.

03:17  


Johnny Suh  
  
Hi, I guess I never got to introduce myself. Sorry, we met 3 weeks ago (I think?). You helped my friend Lee Taeyong with his shoot. I’m the model. Not sure if you remember me, but I guess I’m writing to finally say my name. It’s polite after all. Hi, I’m Ten. Like the number. Hope I’m not waking you up xx 10/10  
  


**JOHNNY**

After giving his card there was not much more to add or say to the two. He did not want to keep the others from their work and so just said his goodbyes and was leaving. He got hungry and noticed that it was almost lunch time by now, time was flying. He ate the bagel on his way home, deciding to edit some photos and planned to make some new ones in the afternoon when the light would be better again than it was now.

Days passed and even so Johnny actually thought about the two here and there, he did not expect to see them again.

Neither of them had messaged him or called, and he did not have contact details neither. But that was fine, it was just his curiousity that wanted to know if the other’s photos could be published somewhere and how it turned out. But he accepted the fact and just moved on with his every day and search for inspiration.

Some weeks after - his best friend Jung Yoon Oh arranged an exhibition for Johnny to participate on. It was quiet exciting because his friend managed to invite some important people from magazines but also some publishing companies which was a great chance for the photographer.

His friend was the only son of a wealthy family, they had plenty of business connections in all areas and even so Johnny never wanted to ask for other‘s help when it came to his own job, he appreciated his friends endless support. The two were childhood friends and with both being the only child of their parents, they actually called each other brothers. So of course he accepted the invitation and was running late to get all the photos done in time.

It will be an all nighter again, editing the photos and actually developing them in his apartment. Once he was in that small room, he rarely had any time perceive. He hung the last picture up to dry and yawned, his eyes were burning and he actually wrapped everything up in here to maybe get a couple of hours of sleep before he would bring the photos to his friend to frame them and hang them up at the exhibition‘s location. He will still have to write some descriptions under each photo.. and there was a lot more to prepare the next days, but one task at the time.

Johnny just exited the room when the cellphone was vibrating in his pockets and he rose his eyebrow to an unknown number texting him this late.

But then a small smile showing as he actually read the message and now knew who had sent it. 10/10… Ten - the number? It actually made him chuckle lowly. Such a welcome surprise. Somehow it was really easy to text back to someone this approachable and confident. Johnny liked that a lot a d wrote him back.

Bing. Ten had replied right away.

And so they exchanged some words until the model had asked if he could see some of his work. The artist in him was awakening by that, and of course he mentioned his friend‘s exhibition. It would be a good place to meet and show his work. Johnny put a lot of time and love in those photos, most of them where from the time where he was at his best, so he was proud to show it.

While waiting for Ten to write back, The photographer decided to take a shower real quick. It only lasted a couple of minutes, enough time to soap himself up and wash it off, before he got out and into boxers - no shirt needed. He headed to his bedroom, toothbrush still in his mouth while responding to the messages he received. Johnny was always walking around while he was brushing his teeth, nothing uncommon for the lad. He took a picture of the exhibition‘s flyer he and his friend had edited themselves and send it to the model. Now he was looking forward to Friday evening even more. If the other would have the time. A model like him must be busy and having quiet a schedule. So to be polite he also offered a more private guide to Ten the next morning, just in case „Mr. Ten - the number“ (that’s how Johnny had saved the model in his contact list) couldn‘t make it.

Hopefully he will come. Johnny thought and after a couple of more text messages, he returned the toothbrush to the bathroom, got himself a bottle of water and heading to bed. He will have to get up in around 4 hours to meet with Jeffrey - one of his nickname for his best friend Jung Yoon Oh. 4 Hours wasn’t much but could be less so he will not complain and just put his phone away and fell asleep soon after.

Everything worked out well the next day, the pictures were looking perfect, arranged in a good order and highlighted by the light spots of the room and decorated with the right descriptions. Johnny leaned his arms against his hips and proudly looked at his work in the room. He felt the tickling in his stomach and couldn‘t wait for the exhibition to start. Just two more days…

…and it was Friday Night.

Johnny was busy all day to help Jeffrey, they always made a great team and everything was set up in time. The first people were entering and greeted by the two and Johnny had already received a couple of compliments and cards of important people in the business. To him it was already a success, so Johnny was in a great mood and more than ready to express it behind the turntable. Some years back he actually had worked as a DJ and when the booked one for the evening had cancelled due to his flight being delayed to make it in time, Johnny had offered to step in and do it. No big deal and this was still fun after all. So he was responsible for the music while their guests were walking around and Jeffrey being the Organisator and guide.

* * *

**  
TEN**

Ten was one hour late to the opening and it was entirely his own fault. For once he couldn’t blame it on traffic. Ten was known to always be on time. It was professional, nothing less was to be expected.

Ten was late, and for stupid reasons. He had put too much time on dressing up, doing his makeup—redoing his makeup, and the worst thing was that he _knew_ that he needed time with these things.

When he was finally standing outside, street lights hovering above him, Ten knew he looked good. He was clad in an almost entirely black attire, the suit cut in a way that made it look like it was personally tailored for him. Most times it was difficult to find clothes that fit him this well, and especially suits which sleeves and legs were almost always a few inches too long. But this one hugged his body nicely, almost too tightly over his chest, only making it strain a little if he pushed his shoulders back. The jacket was embroidered with three bold peonies in red, one clawing at his left shoulder, another unfolding around the right side of his ribcage, and the third running down towards his hip. Ten had added a slight tint to his lips that would enhance the colour of the flowers. When he had done his makeup the first time the colour had came out too vibrant. Taking over.

Ten wasn’t against a colourful makeup, on the contrary, he liked to push it a little too far sometimes. Mostly that came with his job, but whenever he went out he would add a little colour to make him stand out. Make his orientation clear for anyone to see. For anyone to judge if they so must.

Even if he didn’t want to hide who he was Ten didn’t know Johnny Suh, and keeping it down and discreet for the guy’s exhibition was perhaps the safest move he could make.

Finally Ten walked inside the gallery. The first thing he noted was the amount of people that were already walking around and admiring the art. Ten was pleased to note that his choice of clothing was appropriate. The majority seemed to be clad in formal yet artsy attires in different forms—Ten’s clothes only looking the slightest more exclusive than some of the others, many, after all, were only clad in common suits.

It didn’t take long until Ten spotted Johnny Suh in the field of people. It wasn’t very difficult. The man was standing by a table with something that could only be a turntable, headphones pressed in his hand close to his ear.

Ten averted his eyes and looked towards the art instead. Assuming the man was plenty occupied this evening anyway—

Ten could talk to Mr. Suh later.

After Ten had sent his first text message to Johnny Suh he hadn’t expected him to be so easy to talk to. Even though the clock was ticking closer and closer to 4 and it would soon not be ‘in the middle of the night’ anymore—but _morning_, Suh had replied, generously and, to Ten’s surprise: he had been funny.

Ten had replied quickly, fingers trembling with nerves. Later on Ten would insist that that was the reason why he had ended up writing out and sending the question on his mind:

03:23  


Johnny Suh  
  
I can see on your card that you’re a photographer. It was obvious that you knew what you were talking about back then. Few people walk around with knowledge and instincts like that. I take it you’re rather good. How come I haven’t heard of you before?  
  


03:26  


Johnny Suh  
  
I can see on your card that you’re a photographer. It was obvious that you knew what you were talking about back then. Few people walk around with knowledge and instincts like that. I take it you’re rather good. How come I haven’t heard of you before?  
  
Oh I’ve been in this business for some years now, but you might not have heard about me before because a model of your class don’t read the local press or see who those initials under the pictures belong to. Totally fine though, you now have heard from me.  
  


Ten had felt embarrassed at that, and slightly guilty for not having phrased his question any better. Though it remained a fact that he hadn’t actually known about Johnny Suh’s work before this point—had never really heard of the bloke at all.

But then, Ten worked in the fashion industry. In a world that was entirely controlled by good looks and money. A commercial division. It was all front, really. Not all photography was like that, and Ten was forced to admit that he didn’t know much of the world outside it. Perhaps that was part of why he struggled to make a name for himself as a performer.

Ten feared that he was all front too. He hoped not.

And so he had found himself being invited to the opening of an exhibition and surrounded by (obviously) more works by Johnny Suh than he’d ever seen before (and not only that, then there was _tomorrow_ to look forward to—and possibly worry about—when Suh had offered Ten a more personal guide through the exhibition. _“Of course I will be the guide _😎_”_ Johnny Suh had written in text and _of course_ he was the kind of guy to use emojis).

It was when Ten had placed himself in front of a large print of a city that he was approached the second time—during the first he had been offered a champagne flute which he was now silently sipping as his eyes travelled along the tall buildings in the image before him.

Someone cleared their throat and Ten turned his head around towards the source.

“Sometimes no description would be more…” the man beside Ten started and Ten realised that the man must have meant the small description by the print.

Ten hadn’t really taken the time to read it before that moment, his eyes naturally drawing towards the label.

_Be there or be square_, the text read.

The man smiled and then offered Ten a respectful bow with his head before he continued: “Welcome to my exhibition, my name is Jung Yoonoh.”

“Thank you, I’m Ten,” he replied, giving a gentle smile and a polite bow in return.

“Nice Meeting you, Ten,“ Jung Yoonoh said with an answering smile on his lips.

Ten had heard of the Jungs before. It was hard not to. The father was CEO at a well known publishing company and even the mother was an influential figure—she in news. But Ten hadn’t heard much about the son, the only knowledge he had on him was some vague tabloid about the so called Jung Yoonoh’s much speculated future, however the name had stuck—and this was definitely _that_ Jung Yoonoh. The face the same, kind gentle eyes and recognisable dimples.

“You like this one?” Jung Yoonoh asked and Ten turned his attention to the photograph in front of them again, “The photographer is Johnny Suh, and Chicago is his hometown. He chose a lot of photos this evening that hold sentimental value to him.“

“Yeah, I do like it,” Ten replied as he scanned the print all over again, eyes flickering from one detail to another.

The shot was edited in a way that made it seem as if the photo had been cut up and then put together again, the order just slightly different, making a new view appear that wasn’t there before—and yet nothing had been added. Perhaps the description of the work wasn’t so bad. The cut squares in the image repeating themselves all over like a mantra, but all different, all unique.

“He’s from America?” Ten hummed, more to himself than anything else.

It seemed obvious now that he thought about it. Even if the Johnny Suh had been nothing but polite, he had seemed a bit different from the way Ten was usually greeted with.

“I’ve not known about him for very long,” Ten admitted, eyes still on the buildings he now knew were of Chicago—reaching for the sky, “clearly I’ve been missing out,” Ten added as he chuckled lightly to hide the slight embarrassment from his previous texted conversation.

“Yes he is. But you can not really put his work in just one genre. Johnny is working for some small magazines but hopefully today will give him new opportunities. If nothing works; he can for sure proceed working as a DJ… he is over there,“ Jung Yoonoh pointed at the man Ten already knew was standing by the turntable.

_He’s a DJ?_ Ten made sure to remember that for later.

“Well, I guess the best artistries are the ones that go beyond genres and labels,” Ten offered, “I’m sure an exhibition like this will present him with many opportunities indeed.”

Ten shifted his attention back to Jung Yoonoh. Curiosity always got the better of Ten, he could try to fight it, but he’d lose every single time, and so he dropped the question: “Perhaps it’s impolite to ask, but you seem to know him personally?”

“I do. We’ve known each other since we were four,“ the man replied without missing a beat, instead a proud smile seemed to take over his face, charming dimples showing and Ten relaxed his shoulders, “Do you want me to introduce you to him?“

“Please,” Ten replied, a smile playing on his lips as well—he could just play along, “I’m dying to meet him.”

Once again Jung Yoonoh’s reply came without delay, politely he said: “But of course, follow me then. Perhaps we can steal a couple of minutes,“ and so Ten found himself being led through the crowd of people towards Johnny Suh.

The artist looked up from the turntable, the headphones still pressed against his ear as he seemed to be choosing the next disc. It was obvious to Ten that the man recognised his friend first, still unaware of Ten’s presence—a pleasant smile taking over his face.

“Johnny? May I introduce you to—” Jung Yoonoh started but Suh was faster, eyes flicking towards Ten for a short moment and then he quickly interrupted his friend: “Mr. Ten—the number,“ Suh said as he finished with the turntable and jumped down to where Jung Yoonoh and Ten were standing—making Ten almost regret ever introducing himself in that way.

Johnny Suh was taller than Ten had remembered, but then Ten guessed he had only really seen the man crouched down on the ground (while explaining the dynamic of lights and shadows to Taeyong-hyung). And even then Ten had been more focused on modelling than actually looking at the guy.

“You know him?” Jung Yoonoh asked, surprise evident in his voice.

The photographer gave a quick nod as he said simply: “We‘ve met before,“ without elaborating and offered Ten his hand instead.

“It’s a pleasure, Johnny Suh,” Ten said, shaking Suh’s hand—even his palms were huge in comparison to Ten’s.

_Really, one would think he was the fashion model_, Ten thought to himself. The bloke definitely had the looks for it.

“I only just arrived I’m afraid,” Ten offered apologetic, “Thank you for inviting me.”

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Ten’s hand was so smooth and warm, Johnny noticed before letting go of it, happy to actually see the model, who apologized for just arriving.

“But you made it… I am very honoured.” Johnny responded to assure that this was all that mattered really and it was actually the truth. Considering that Ten’s schedule must be packed, he was showing up at such a small exhibition where he probably do not even gain much benefit of it, and it was Friday evening too.

Having this thought on his mind he felt like adding something on his and Yoonoh’s behalf. “It’s just the fifth exhibition in this format, it might feel quiet different to some you attended to before.”

His friend Yoonoh had started as curator for fine arts and just recently spezialised to the photography field.

It was a risky path he chose, but Johnny appreciated it like no one else. It was rought to get a name in this business, photography was never on the same level as sculpturing art or paintings. Yoonoh wanted to use his business and the network his parents had to maybe change this perspective, even scouting young photographers for his own company and running exhibitions and other events to get some spotlight to these artists as well. That’s how Johnny was getting the chance to actually be here and now talking to professionals like Ten.

It was surreal but exciting.

“Yet I hope it will be a success.” He said with his humble and grateful mentality and waved at the waitress who immediately appraoched the two and offered the plate with several filled glasses of Champagne to Johnny.

He took two glasses and gave one of them to Ten, making a gesture with his arm and slowly walking over to the area where his work was displayed. “So.. This is it. Well a part of my work actually, but yeah.” He actually had no idea what to tell. He was proud of his work, he usually was eloquent and not shy to talk about his work. But somehow.. it was different this time and he was lacking words.

He waited for the model to have a proper look at the piece they were now facing with the title “Be there or be square”, valuating Ten’s fashion sense and aesthetics in the meantime. Everything on this man was fascinating.

Johnny just argued with himself that he was looking with the eyes of the photographer at the model and smiled when the other politely said that this evening was already a success. Johnny looked around and to capture the athmosphere. He did not have a chance for that before, since he was so busy and focused on the music.

“It’s a good evening” He said after agreeing with a satisfied feeling in his chest.

He had emptied the glass of Champagne by then so Johnny took a large gulp himself to keep up, not being much of a fan of this fancy Champagne, yet taking a second one as well, when the waitress came back to them to get their empty glasses.

“So, is there anything you wanna know?” He finally asked Ten when both had a new flute of Champagne in their hands.

“How much do you have time for? I’m guessing you’ve a lot on your plate tonight, I don’t want to bother you too much.” The model responded and Johnny brushed his hair behind one ear, appreciating the other’s concern. In general he wished more of his days were busy like tonight. His next project for a magazine was schedules in three weeks and he already made most of the photos, just needed to edit them yet. Easy.

“It is quiet busy indeed” Johnny agreed and added with a sigh

“In general I have more free time, than I want to, that’s why I can easily offer you the private tour tomorrow, I mean, you still plan to come, right?”

The smile that followed on the model’s face was catching the photographer off guard. Wow.. he wished he could have captured that one on one of his photos.

“I thought you’d already promised me?”

Johnny could tell from the witty tone to it, that the model was teasing him and actually had a fair point. He had promised that already.

“I did and stay true to my words, just making sure you won’t reconsider.” Johnny tried to smile just as bright as Ten did.

It was still easy to talk to the other, Johnny liked that a lot. In general he felt very relaxed ever since the two were talking, could be the champagne too, but usually Johnny was not getting tipsy too early. It was however enjoyable and just what he needed,m when Yoonoh caught his eye and the two shared eyecontact for a moment.

No need to say any words to each other. The two knew the other part so well that just this gaze was enough for the photographer to know what to do. “Hm, I need to get back, I am very sorry of leaving you to yourself now. When I invited you, I did not know that I also have to make the music. But our DJ cancled just a couple of hours ago and we had to improvise. Perhaps we can chat later tonight. If not, I will be here tomorrow around Ten – the number.” He playfully winked at the model, happy to see the other smiling at that joke and finishing his glass of Champagne before quickly heading back to the turntable. The music was starting to sound repeatative.

Halfway there he suddenly stopped and turned back to Ten.

“How you like your coffee?” Intending to buy the other’s choice the next morning, being a good host as he was.. or tried to be.

“I like my Americanos the most!” Ten responded and Johnny stopped for a moment because the model was supsiciously chuckling. He did not get the reason, so Johnn was just smiling back and turned around.

It was the last time he actually spoke to the model that evening.

He saw him a couple of times talking to others and hoped that he enjoyed himself here.

Johnny did not dare to wish for anything, but seeing Ten from distance made him wish to have a photosession with the other as well. It was hard to argue about the reasons though. Johnny was not usually doing photos for fashion magazines and stuff. But maybe the more he will know Mr. Ten – the number – he might get some ideas.

This just made him look forward to the next morning even more.

Around 3 am in the morning Yoonoh and Johnny closed the doors. Everything had been wrapped up and both sighed with a pleased relief written on their faces. “This was something..” Johnny joked and gained his friend’s agreement as well as a chuckle. “Thanks for covering up and being the DJ.. you havn’t lost your grip.”

Johnny made an exaggerating bow, playfully answering “At your service…”.

They exchanged a couple of words before Yoonoh offered to drive Johnny home.

The Photographer did not own a car, perferring to walk or use the bus/metro – since it offered plenty of opportunities for photos and he always had his camera with him.

But tonight he felt so exhausted and needed to get up quiet early for that, so he gratefully accepted the offer.

So he was home earlier than expected, just taking a short shower before heading to bed with Ten’s words in mind.

It had been a successful evening indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, we appreciate any kudos and comments you care to spare us! Hope you like where this story is going, chapter 2 will be posted very soon!


	2. Autumn Breeze

**TEN**

Friday evening had been brilliant. An opening was always special and Ten had been nothing but immaculately dressed for the occasion, however that didn’t stop him from trying his best on Saturday as well. It was for an _almost_ private viewing, after all.

Ten was on time today, he had been standing outside the doors for half an hour already, full suit on, cherry red velvet hugging his body nicely. Ten knew it looked good on him—he wanted to look good. It would be a lie that Ten didn’t always try to look his best, but today was special. He knew the two of them hadn’t discussed it as such, hadn’t mentioned it in those words exactly, but Ten couldn’t help but think the occasion resembled a first date. It was Saturday and even though the gallery would probably be open to the public until tomorrow the photographer had said it was a private tour.

Johnny Suh would be Ten’s private guide for the day. Just the two of them.

If that wasn’t a date Ten didn’t know what was.

Ten had known he liked boys since middle school. Back then he had been all kinds of unsure, insecure and immature. It had been difficult, and that was the truth. When he moved from Thailand he had promised himself to start new. His career as a fashion model had started only a few years later and South Korea seemed happy to doll him up in nice clothes and bold makeup. It made him feel at home without having to flaunt his identity. In this world he could be himself. He could be sexy, he could look at beautiful men and compliment them on their fine looks. They were all models, all there because of their appearance. If Ten felt something more it didn’t matter.

Ten was flirtatious in his personality, it was part of the person he was—but Johnny Suh had seemed so accepting, and the way he looked at Ten sometimes; Ten was quite sure the other bloke felt something as well.  
It had been quite some time since Ten had been in any serious relationship. It was difficult to keep his relationships secret, so usually he only hooked up in clubs, dark corners where no eyes could reach. A one-night stand. Nothing more.

Ten couldn’t but admit that it excited him: his meeting with the photographer. It was something about the lad, perhaps it was part of being American, perhaps Ten just liked his easy going way. Ten wanted to see where this could take them, whatever _this_ was.

Just as Ten was about to look into the windows of the gallery to check if Suh had already arrived or not, he saw the man jogging over to him from the other side of the street, two coffee cups in his hands.

“Hey, I am so sorry. I hope I didn’t let you wait for too long,” Johnny Suh said as he offered the cup, his finger’s gracing Ten’s as Ten accepted the cup into his own hands.

Johnny Suh bent down in an exaggerated bow and Ten raised an eyebrow at him, a smile threatening to take over at the other man’s actions.

“Please accept my humble apology in the form of a tasty Americano, the best in town, I promise,” Suh said and Ten smirked.

Johnny Suh was cute. Ten wondered if the bloke was aware of that. Suh could definitely use that to his advantage if he wanted to.

“Don’t worry,” Ten said, and then he changed his voice to a more formal, serious tone, similar to the other’s, “I do accept your kind apology dear Sir. Everything’s forgiven and forgotten, I assure you!”

When Suh straightened up again he had a broad smile on his lips, and Ten couldn’t help but mirroring him, a chuckle escaping his lips at the exaggerated act.

They walked into the gallery, all evidence of yesterday’s evening gone, nothing but clean floors and a faint scent of lemon lingering in the air to welcome them. There was still no other visitors for the day, footsteps echoing through the empty rooms. Ten assumed there would be more people on Monday.

“So, Mr. Ten- the number,” Suh started, voice still playful and overly formal as he came to stop in front of the first art print, “I welcome you to my private tour and appreciate you coming.”

Ten joined him.

“Most things you see here are actually… a biography of me. I don’t focus on just one genre when it comes to my photos, my mom always says that I have the eye for aesthetics and good subjects… well you saw that in the park I believe. How is your friend doing? Tae… Taeyong, I believe was his name?”

“Taeyong-hyung is doing well, thank you. He’s trying to get his work out there, but it’s a hard line of work,” Ten replied.

Ten hoped his friend would be able to make it in the art world, but it was difficult, and just starting out like Taeyong had, recently having graduated, was not easy. Ten smiled and looked at Johnny, hoping his sentiment reached the other man as well. Knowing he too, was facing similar struggles.

“That’s nice, send him my cheers. He better not give up before trying all possibilities—no matter the hardship,” Johnny replied as he sipped on his coffee.

Ten took a deep breath, knowing how serious the matter really was.

“So,” Ten said eventually, mimicking Johnny’s words earlier on and matching his voice to lighten up the mood, “Johnny Suh, would you mind telling me more about your art?”

“Well… when you see more of my works, especially the one on blogs, newspapers and other media; it won’t give you a correct image of what I am actually doing. I am a freelancer and working for some small magazines of all genres. They pretty much dictate what they need for their articles. What you see in this exhibition is my free work, the one where I get creative… working with textures, lightning, different subjects as you can see. I walk around, find something pretty and make the best shot I can. Here, I tried to express how I see my world… like this one,“ Suh explained as they came to stop by the same photograph as they had stood in front of the day before, “This is Chicago, my hometown. I took several pictures and tried to arrange them to look like the skyline,” the artist continued, “Ah, so beautiful… have you ever been there?”

Ten shook his head at Suh’s question.

“No, I’ve never had the fortune to go there,” Ten admitted as he took a sip on his coffee too, “Perfect,” Ten mumbled quietly, almost to himself, not sure if it was a comment on the coffee (which truly might have been the best Americano in his life), the artwork, or the meeting with the artist.

“How very unfortunate… if you ever do, do let me know and I can give you some secret tips,“ Johnny Suh said, brushing a few strands of hair back from his forehead, “Well… it’s obvious why you chose the path of modelling but the way you moved back in the park shows that you are also very flexible—are you dancing or doing some special sport or anything?“

Ten had not expected that question. He could feel his cheeks heating at the other’s words. Ten hoped that if any colour was staining his face Suh would think it was due to the temperature of his drink and nothing else.

_Are you always this blunt?_ was on the tip of Ten’s tongue, but he didn’t say it, afraid it would come across as too harsh.

After all, he didn’t yet know the man beside him, and Ten didn’t want to offend him. If the man wasn’t flirting with him, Ten didn’t know what this was. He dropped compliment after compliment as if they were nothing but facts. It made Ten‘s skin feel tingly.

“My joints are hypermobile,” Ten offered, unsure of how much he should tell the other about his feeble dreams, “I guess I do like dancing,” he mumbled in reply, going for part of the truth as he kept his eyes focused on the photograph before him.

Ten wet his lower lip with his tongue, swallowing to ground himself. The initial shock of Suh’s observation skills fading and Ten turned his head to beam at the other man again.

“I didn’t mention it yesterday, I didn’t really find the right time—or the right words… your photographs are truly something. I’ve not quite seen anything like it. I feel honoured to have met an artist like you.”  
It was Suh’s turn to raise his eyebrows apparently, but the action so different from when Ten himself had done so.

“You think so? Ah…“ the man seemed flustered as he instead turned his eyes towards the photograph and Ten felt proud at that.

Ten was _known_ for being flirtatious after all, it was his playground. Like a game of chess and Ten knew exactly what move to make.

“That’s really kind of you to say,” Suh continued eventually, “Thank you, but the honour is all mine, really.”

Ten sipped at his coffee, letting a silence hang over them for a short moment. He kind of liked it. It felt comfortable, and not awkward like it so often did with others.

“What’s next?” Ten asked after a minute or two, genuinely interested, “are you working on any projects at the moment? What’s your favourite subject to capture when you’re not under pressure or your creative outlet is controlled by others?”

There was a lot Ten wanted to know about Johnny Suh, but he didn’t want to pry. The other sighed at the question and

Ten was afraid he had already asked too much.

“Well…” Suh began, “I have to admit that for a couple of days… I’ve been struggling. It’s not that I am running out of ideas… it’s just that rarely the things around me connect with me like they used to do… it’s hard to explain… writers call it a writer’s block.”

_Oh_, Ten thought, _art block_. He knew that all too well. Ten himself liked to draw, did it every so often, whenever he got some time to spare—but every now and then the art block would hit him too.

“I love to capture things aesthetically pleasing to the eye,” Johnny Suh continued, “The autumn weather usually giving me a lot of colors that I like. You can say that I prefer shots taken outside… not a fan of those small rooms in a building that temporary works as a photoshoot set with lousy air conditioning and no nature to charm the subject,” he said while brushing his hair behind his ear again and Ten wondered if it was a nervous tick of Suh’s, “I recently got myself some equipment for underwater shots. I have not much expertise with it but I have to try it sometime.”

Ten thought back to their text messages. Before he had got the invitation to the opening of the exhibition Ten had offered to be the photographer’s model himself.

  
Don’t send me a link. Send me a time and a place. You can get me for a few hours, you’ll decide what you’ll do with the time. Your choice. If you want to show me digital or printed files of your work so be it, or if you want me in a studio or outdoors like last time I’ll be there. Unless you only photograph architecture. I’m not sure I can pull that one off (>﹏<)  
  


  
Don’t pay me. Show me.  
  


“My offer still stands,” Ten said matter of factly, “you can get me for a few hours, if you’ll have me.”

Ten took off the lid from the coffee cup to drain the last drops, licking it up with his tongue. He knew what it sounded like, it was intentional, and just in case the message didn’t go through he added, smiling as he looked over at Johnny Suh, meeting hazel eyes with his, “No offence taken if I’m not your kind of aesthetic.”

Ten braced himself for the answer, realising that he really did want to be Johnny Suh’s kind of aesthetic.

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Johnny forgot to breathe for a moment. He remembered the offer but seriously thought it was just polite banter, not an actually thing. After all… Ten was playing in a different league and so good at proving that with his fine dress, hair, his wholesome appearance.

There was a humble doubt to deserve this chance, but Johnny would have lied if this offer did not excited him - a lot.

Images came to mind… water reflections on this overall smooth and flawless skin of Ten‘s cheek, those fierce eyes staring into the camera like a cat. It will be a contrast to the underwater theme the photographer had planned. Johnny originally wanted to capture natural vulnerability by being unable to breath, yet expressing the aesthetically beauty and calmness that will surround him.

And Ten…well he simply fit perfectly.

He smiled at the model once the other questions to be a fitting motive for the photographer

„Are you kidding me? Of course you are…” he saw the smallest spark in Ten‘s eye.. just a flicker and frowned at his words.

Did that sound off? Unsure about that; Johnny decided quickly to add with a chuckle.

“Wait.. that might have sounded wrong. I mean that.. please believe me that I actually envied your friend to have that chance especially in the autumn set up and everything. It was perfect really.”

He just spit true facts right there but felt kind of.. awkward, taking much larger gulps now from his coffee.

Again he brushed his hair back, as if something was making him excited - restless.

A habit for sure.

„What I want to say is that I gladly accept.. you might be able to actually help me to break out of this current art block. But what.. what are your conditions?”

Johnny noticed that Ten’s smile grew broader when the other asked,

“Conditions? I already mentioned you don’t have to pay me, show me how you work instead, although,” he heard the other saying and then Ten added, “if you want me in a compromising position and revealing a lot of skin I might have to charge you, but I’m sure your underwater shoot won’t involve any dubious content…or I could do a few exceptions for _your_ art.”

Johnny blinked for a moment as if he needed time to process that offer and lowkey the wink. His lips parted to say something but shut again when more awkwardness crawled up on him. “Ah no no no do not think I was asking for anything inappropriate with my shots underwater. I am sure that plenty of people out there would appreciate that for sure, but I am too straight to wrap it up nicely I fear. I couldn’t do you justice.”

He said it with an easy voice but actually avoided the other’s eyes for no god damn reason. Man that kind of startled him.

Why even? Ten just had explained his conditions and quiet generous one. This was all about business and he could be more professional about it. Perhaps being single for some months now made him a little stiff.. or lets say on edge?

Or it was the photographer’s sensitivity to not get too close to a field of work he did not want to.

Sex sells and Ten was…well…capable to help out, if that was his intention.

But Johnny wanted reputation and acknowledgment without all of that. Yeah, this was probably the reason why this suddenly got a bit awkward for him.

“Uh.” where was he again? ….right. How about this? We plan that shoot and I will show you what I had in mind - then it is up to you if you feel cool with it or not. I am sure we work things out. How does it sound?”

The smile had faded on ten’s lips, while Johnny had spoken, even averting his eyes as well to look at Johnny’s photo at the wall instead of him. Johnny noticed the sudden change in atmosphere, recalling his words and now worrying if he had offended Ten? Why though? Being quiet sensitive about himself and how others saw him, Johnny leaned over to look at the other’s face. He was not exactly sure what happened, so neither could he come up something smart to say or do.

Luckily Ten actually continued the conversation by saying, “Right“. It sounded a little monotone to Johnny but he did not know the model too well to read between the lines.

He even added an assuring “that’s fine by me. Are you already set to go or do you need a few weeks to plan and get your concept down?”

Ten still wanted a photo shoot. That… was reassuring for the photographer just as much as the words and the small smile. So the photographer nodded and smiled back, the atmosphere slowly rising again.

Since the other waited for his answer, Johnny checked the time and bit on his lips.

"Well I am afraid that I can not arrange the underwater set this quickly.. but maybe in a couple of days. I might have to make some calls for a good location. I will let you know and work on it right away.”

Johnny assured and their eyes met for a proper moment. 

Cat eyes. He thought again and getting a rare familiar feeling like looking at the ones of his ex’s cat.

With someone like Ten, he could possibly captivate many people, drawing every attention to him without a doubt. God, Johnny had suddenly so many ideas, so many things he wanted to try.

For someone struggling with an art block for weeks, this was comparable to the first breath after holding the air in under water.

He felt like he was waking up from a long ass winter sleep.

He already owed Ten a lot for just that, and with that thought his guilty feeling from before returned. 

A sigh escaped his lips, strands of hair being brushed back behind his ear.

He should apologize, just in case.

“If I just had said something that was offensive.. I apologize.” He was meaning to say “Mr. Ten - the number” because this was kind of.. what he liked to say and joke about. And it was also all he knew about the other but dropped it.

“Sometimes I bubble a lot and regret it later on. So yeah.. Since you are so supportive and generous by offering to be my model.. permission granted to kick me in the shin, the next time I say something stupid or mean..”

He hoped this might switch back to the light and relaxing chemistry the two had.

Finally a broader smile returned in the model’s face again. “ Duly noted,” he heard him saying and then Ten added, “there’s really nothing to apologise for and it all sounds great, let me know and I’ll be there.”

Johnny nodded, a little more eased about the moment. If someone would ask his friends everyone would say how much empathy he had and that he can be very soft and caring when sharing a bond.

And this very new and vulnerable connection they were building up… could easily tear at this stage. Johnny did not want that to happen, he liked the model’s company even at this early stage, even not knowing anything but the name and smile.

„Okay.. I’ll call you when everything is ready and we see when your schedule matches.“ The photographer said and received a “Sure. I’d love that.”

And so It was a deal.

Johnny thought a moment of what to say next and remembered why they had been here in first play. So he contintued his tour, „In the meantime.. you want to see the rest of my work? The exhibition will regulary open around lunch time, and Jeffrre.. ah I mean Yoonoh will be there a bit earlier than that for sure.“ It was an inside joke of calling his friend Jeffrey.. sometimes it just slipped through his lips and it was always funny.. for Johnny. Although Yoonoh did not seem to bother, even mentioning or inttroducing himself like that just for the giggles. Childhood friends can be really childish.. no matter the age. Speaking of his friend.

Johnny and Yoonoh had briefly talked about the next days on the way to the photographer’s home. Yoonoh’s shift was soon enough and tomorrow it will be Johnny who is welcoming new guests, explained things and being their guide.

“Does that mean you’ll leave the role as my private guide?” Ten asked and dragged Johnny out of his line of thoughts. He had a lighter yet lower sound in his voice then before, the photographer noticed.

Johnny moved to the next one before turning to Ten. "Absolutely not.. I just meant to warn you that its not so private then anymore. But I remain your guide, Mr. Ten - the number.” He tried to joke again like he used to and then took the chance.

It was surely shifting back to a comfortable environment between them and Johnny wanted to know more of Ten.

“Ten is not your real name right? It does sound like an artist’s name.”

* * *

**TEN**

Socialising was something that came naturally to Ten. It wasn’t so much that he was an extrovert (the opposite, really), but rather that he knew how to keep people interested. He could use his charm, looks and knowledge in various topics to keep people plastered to him, wanting to hear the punch line. Ten was easy going, easy to talk to when he wanted to.

Usually that wasn’t a problem, but something that meant that Ten could make new acquaintances and therefore open up more job opportunities. It was helpful, really. He used his skills in communication to get around, wrap women and men alike around his fingers and keep them there. Ten was good at it.

But every now and then Ten was reminded of how little he truly knew someone. Ten could spend hours with someone, at a pub, a club, dancing, talking, making out—it didn’t matter what it was, but in the end, they parted ways and usually Ten never met them ever again. He knew what they wanted when he locked eyes with them. Money, desire, want, appreciation, envy, disgust, hate. It was all there. Plainly written for Ten to read. It didn’t matter that he didn’t know them, Ten knew what they _wanted_, and in almost all cases that was the only thing that mattered in his line of work, in his life.

And then there was Johnny Suh.

Ten had been so sure he knew what Suh had wanted. A photographer looking for a model, perhaps a quick fuck. Ten would have been fine to give him that. The artist was fine looking, there was no denying it. But the man kept surprising him. Perhaps Ten was so used to people wanting him that he had got carried away, not seeing the reality for what it was—as clearly as he usually did.

It worried Ten that he might not have seen Suh’s desires, but his own.

That was a slippery slope, and one he didn’t want to go down.

Thinking back on his text conversation with the man in question one line Ten had sent him really did seem to ring true.  
_“You’re full of surprises, Johnny Suh”_, Ten had written in the middle of the night, bordering on early morning.

“Glad to hear it, would be a pity to see you go already,” Ten had replied to Suh’s comment on remaining Ten’s personal guide for the exhibition.

The energy that had seemed to drain from Ten along with the coffee from his cup bounced back at the photographer’s last comment.

“Well observed, Johnny Suh,” Ten said, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips, intentionally not elaborating on the topic.

_Ten_ was a stage name, but also the only name Ten had ever really been known to use for himself, and the only name his friends ever called him by. It was easy; going by Ten. Ten was fun, interesting, charming and attractive. But mostly, he was a performer, and as soon as he stepped off the stage he could drop his name, slip away into the shadows and leave people with a name as vague as the number. A number for what? Everyone knew _Ten_. A name easy to remember—easy to hide behind.

Suh chuckled in reply, warm brown eyes moving over Ten—and wasn’t that exactly what had Ten thinking he had known what the other had wanted in the first place? It seemed so obvious, and yet, Suh’s hazel eyes: a complete lie. So it was true. Ten was Johnny Suh’s aesthetic, only, that was everything he would ever be to him. Because Johnny Suh was straight, and Ten was not.

“I see, preferring to remain a mystery, huh? Fine by me, Mr. Ten—the number,” Suh’s constant teasing of Ten’s name back in place.

They came to a stop in front of a photograph displaying a piano, highlighted by distorted lights and fingers flashing over the keyboard like ghosts of themselves, repeating, _dancing_, almost. Moving as if it wasn’t in fact a still image, but a video.

“Since it’s an exhibition of my life, you probably assume correctly… I do play piano from time to time. Not owning my own, but Yoonoh has one that I used for this shot. Do you play an instrument?” Suh asked.

“So full of surprises,” Ten echoed his thoughts as he looked at the print and then over at the other man again, “I do, I used to play the piano as well, though I’m betting you’re way better than me,” Ten’s eyes were back on the photograph,

“Recently I’ve taken a liking to the guitar. Just a hobby,” he added, shrugging.

“Oh, really?“ Suh looked at Ten, his smile growing broader, more infectious by the minute, “Ah, so nice, such a small world,“ Suh brushed his hair back again, “I wish I could play it more often… gonna get myself one when I find a bigger apartment that has enough space for it.”

It was a long time since Ten had played the piano, but he’d always loved it. It was something with the tone, the harmonious sound that really didn’t beat any other instrument for him.

“That’s a beautiful shot. I wish I was there so I could have heard you play,” the last words seemed to fall from Ten’s lips without permission, and Ten could feel his cheeks heating again—this time he didn’t have any hot coffee left to blame it on.

Ten was never the one to be interested in someone else. He was always too occupied with others fawning all over him. Whatever Johnny Suh made him feel made Ten unsure. It felt new, and yet, Ten didn’t really know him at all.

Even though Ten’s eyes were on the photograph he could see Suh’s eyes seeking his own in his peripheral view. Ten worried his lower lip with his teeth.

“Find me a place with a piano and I‘ll play, maybe you gonna join me then with your guitar,“ Suh said, confidence clear in his voice.

_Is that a challenge?_ Ten thought to himself. Ten was all about challenges. If this was one, he’d definitely make sure it would happen sooner or later.

“Well… Look at this…“ Suh showed Ten towards the next print on the wall, “You see this one… that’s actually my view from my apartment. I am living in the Mapo-Gu district, a few minutes away from the river. That’s where you probably gonna see me walking around a lot… this photo is actually a shot from my bedroom window. It was kind of a snapshot with the clouds looking so artsy and what looks like grass at the bottom of the shot in almost the same colour—well it’s actually the fur of my cat who had slept on the warm place in front of the window,“ Suh made a pause that had Ten looking at him, trying to find further explanation to his hesitation, Ten didn’t have to wait long, “Hm, actually no… not my cat. He belonged to my ex and left me some months back just like she did. Life happens,“ Suh continued eventually, shrugging as if he didn’t mind but Ten could see the way the bloke mirrored Ten’s own previous actions: bottom lip between teeth.

“The serenity you captured feels truly ideal—almost…” Ten tried, making a small pause as well.

The man had opened up about something that was clearly still bothering him. Ten tried to put his own worries aside, but not sure how much he could say without seeming like he was prying.

“Almost too good to be true,” Ten breathed, almost afraid of speaking too loud.

It seemed like a delicate moment. Ten wasn’t used to people opening up to him. He knew laughter, knew jokes, any entertainment really. Ten didn’t really have heart-to-heart conversations with anyone. If he was honest Ten didn’t know if he actually knew anyone—except perhaps Taeyong-hyung. His relationship with Taeyong was different. It always would be—but other than that? Not really.

Ten looked from the photograph to the man beside him. Johnny Suh was attractive but not attracted to Ten. That was okay, as long as Ten didn’t _feel_ anything towards the lad it would all be fine. Perhaps Ten could get a friend, he could do with a friend. It was a long time since Ten had made any friends.

“I’m sorry,” Ten said, voice sounding as unsure as he felt.

Ten still didn’t know if Suh was seeing someone at the moment, how open the wounds still were. If this was too personal.

How much was one allowed to ask a stranger anyway? Were they even strangers anymore? Ten didn’t know.

Mostly Ten had said _sorry_ because there was nothing that could be done about it, nothing _he_ could do about it. It was all in the past, yet obviously Suh was bothered by whatever had happened, whoever it was. Johnny Suh seemed like the kind of guy to have a perfect relationship—a fuck on the side or not. Anyone would be happy to be with a bloke like that.

“Hm? Why do you apologize? That’s life and you have to accept certain things before you move on,“ Suh shrugged.

They didn’t talk much after that, quietly looking through the exhibition and by the time they reached the last photograph Jung Yoonoh from yesterday entered and greeted them both with a warm smile on his lips. Ten noted that Mr. Jung didn’t seem surprised to see him, probably already informed of Ten’s private visit.

“So, you like the exhibition Mr. Ten. Feel free to leave us a note… could also be anonymous if my friend here was too bubbly,“ Mr. Jung said.

Suh responded with a chuckle. They really did seem close, just as he had told Ten the day before.

“Since we are done here, we’re gonna head out and enjoy the weather for a bit… that is.. if Mr. Ten—the number, is not occupied?“ Suh said, playful tone in his voice.

Ten chuckled in reply to the other man’s continuous teasing of his name. It seemed Suh really was intending to learn about Ten’s real name. _Work for it_, Ten thought. He was not giving up so easily.

“I’ve got today off, so please, do surprise me,” Ten said, wiggling his eyebrows, teasing back.

_All you do is surprise me, Johnny Suh_.

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Yoonoh rose his eyebrow and glanced between the model and the photographer with curiousity. „Well then..enjoy. I‘ll drop the keys at your place when today’s over.“ he waved at Ten and just in that moment the door opened and a couple was entering, so that’s where Johnny‘s friend attention went to immediately. Johnny nodded to Ten, glad that they would have a chance to chat some more and maybe he could find out a few things about the model too. So far Ten made himself quiet mysterious in the photographers eyes. Not that this was bad or that Johnny would not respect that. But the lad asked a lot about him too and it only seemed fair to try at least.

„Well then… let us have a bite.. I am starving. Anything you prefer to eat for lunch?“ 

Johnny asked and was curious about the other’s taste in food. A lot of models he knew were on some crazy diets. His ex-girlfriend was very receptive with upcoming food trends too. All of a sudden she diagnosed herself to have an intolerance against berries, gluten and caffeine which had been cool before. Johnny had never made fun of it, but found this strange, especially when it’s not professionally diagnosed by someone who knows their business, just something you went along with to follow a certain trend. Johnny saw how Ten had shifted his weight to his foot, their eyes meeting for a moment before Ten replied. 

“Tteokbokki? I totally understand if that’s not something you want though,” he added and the photographer noticed the smile Ten had when being considerate and polite.  
  
Thank god.  
  
This just raised the model even higher in Johnny’s liking, when he heard the suggestion, excitedly repeating,  
“Ttoebokkiiii” and made it sound all cute for no reason. It wasn’t the healthiest food, often reduced to be street food, convenient and all, but it was full of flavours and heart warming soul food too, it reminded him of precious moments when he could eat it every day back when he and his parents spent some time with family in Korea. Perhaps the nostalgic wave that hit him made it sound so cute in first place. 

“That’s a good idea, I hadn’t had it in a while, hmm.. ”

Johnny full heartily agreed to have it right now and took his phone to check where they would get some good ones in their area. He browsed a list and checked their exact location, turning around to find the direction before leading the way.

As the two were walking, Johnny dove into memories,

“Ah, my mom makes the best Ttoebokki.. I love them cheesy and spicy..like - really spicy. How about you?“ 

If food wasn’t the top 1 topic to get to know someone, what else was? It could provide details about cooking skills, tastes, habits, family relationships and in good cases shares a common understanding that can strengthen a bond. The photographer received a broad smile, the model was almost bouncing as he walked for a few steps. He seemed to be happy about Johnny’s remark and added casually, 

“Really? Me too! Oh, I’d really like to try hers,” 

For a split second Johnny was disappointed to not gain more information but it kind of was expected too, plus he made a mental note of just that request. Maybe if the two could build up a solid friendship, there might be a chance for that.

Surely, Ten would not come all the way to Chicago to try it, since his mother was still living there. But Johnny could ask for the recipe and try his luck. He was capable to come close to all the dishes his mother could cook and had shown him, because Johnny actually loved cooking. An important asset for a good homemade meal. He was also glad that Ten seem to enjoy spicy food. It was not for everyone and often demanded for a dish to be seasoned extra hot individually on a plate…much to the disadvantage of the entire meal because the spices were adding greatly when being cooked with all the rest. But it seemed they both were on the same boat. Ttoebokki was awesome. 

The model then asked if he had any favourite food and it made Johnny wonder for a second if he could actually was able to narrow down all the amazing stuff to just one dish. The two meant to cross a busy street and naturally and unintentionally the photographer lifted his arm to stop Ten in a protective manner, checking when would be a suitable timing to get to the other side. When they actually crossed it, Johnny caught up with Ten’s previous question, just choosing what had come to mind firstly when being asked.

“Well.. I do love pizza actually. There was a time where I ate family sized ones all by myself," Johnny remembered and rubbed his belly when it made grumbling sounds. He really was hungry and just thinking of pizza right now made his mouth water even more. To his stomach’s defense Johnny chuckled lowly

“Man.. I am really hungry… sorry about that.” Ten did not seem to mind and was rather amused a put it so Johnny relaxed.

“You’re a big boy, huh?” The model commented about Johnny eating so large portions himself. Well Johnny was tall and had a healthy metabolism. He needed a lot of energy during the day, so this was nothing but true. Johnny smiled proudly of that and actually had to chuckle when Ten also called him a true American. To all the honor, the photographer kind of felt like adding,

“As Long as I won‘t gain weight like a true American, I am proud of being a half one“, before he pointed to the building they were heading “the stand should be around the next corner..“ 

As they came to the little agreed food stand, a small queue in line, the two placed themselves by the end of it and Johnny heard the model catching up of what he had said before: “Ttoekbokki really is my favourite Korean dish,” a wide very handsome smile was showing on the model’s face that just underlined his statement. He also added that they seem to have it almost everywhere but never getting tire of it. Johnny agreed, it was such a popular one. He reminded the many many times where Yoonoh and he were walking home to get themselves a portion or two and his mouth was watering again when the smell of pepper paste and broth was in the air and accompanying this fond memories. 

Luckily a large portion had just been prepared and served to everyone in line before them, so the two did not have to wait that long. Johnny actually ordered two portions which were freshly made in front of them. Watching the woman combining all the spices and broth, Johnny commented with excitement in his voice how good it smelled and asked for an extra portion of Chili flakes for his portion. The woman nodded and added an extra spoon of gochugaru for Johnny, which made him beam in approval. When the portions of delicious rice cake were done, he gave both plates to Ten, a calculated strategy for the other to not insist in paying and being able to grab his wallet. Johnny felt responsible still to be a good host, even so the private tour was over, he had asked to have lunch with him, so of course he wanted to take care of everything. In order to find a good place to enjoy their food, Johnny lead the way to a park nearby, finding a bench to sit on. Even so Autum brought a chill breeze, the sun could still be strong, but this place offered shadows from the tree in front of them. It looked close to the aesthetics Johnny had appreciated when firstly seeing the model. So he looked over to Ten again while starting to eat, appreciating the view with the eye of a photographer. 

It appeared that Ten liked it, yet mentioning that Johnny didn’t have to pay for him. Of course he would say that. During the entire time the two chatted, either on the exhibition the night before or this morning, Ten showed politeness whenever he opened his mouth, Johnny approved of that. When there was something he could not stand it was rudeness or people only spreading negativity. But spending time with the model was enjoyable and chill in this matter. In order to show equal politeness, Johnny wiped his mouth with a tissue before responding to that comment, 

„I did not have to, but I wanted to.“ a smile showing next, "I am your personal guide for today after all and I asked to have lunch," he ate another one of the rice cakes and hummed in approval.. lips tinting in deep red from the spicy flavour once again. Both enjoyed a moment of silence and enjoying the Ttoebokki when he heard Ten asking in a quieter voice than before: “If you don’t mind me asking, how come you came to Korea?”

Their eyes met and Johnny gestured with a hum to swallow first before responding, also cleaning the corner of his mouth,  
„I don‘t mind you asking, never worry about that.” The photographer adding a quick pause to think of where to start,  
“I was raised in the US half my life but my Korean roots had always been part of me. I could speak it fluently of course and had several Korean friends from school but also my visits. Yoonoh and I know each other since we had been kids. With becoming mature or at least according to my papers, I was curious about the world and also wanted to dig a little in my history and origin roots.. since I am half American and half Korean. So I followed my best friend to Korea and actually ended up liking it here a lot.”  
  
He heard a low humming sound coming from Ten, noticing that he was eating way faster than the model, so he tried to slow down a little to not make this anything rushed.

“That’s interesting,” Johnny heard the other saying and then receiving another question. This one however was actually not that easy to response to:  
“Do you miss it? America? Or are you planning on going back eventually?” Luckily Johnny just had another bite and therefore a moment to think about it, humming as he chewed and swallowed.

“Who knows… I do not plan things ahead that far in the future. When there is something interesting, a chance to take… yeah maybe. I actually want to see many places.. but I will have to work hard for that…“  
he looked in distance, the question triggered in him some thoughts and plans, he really should ask that himself more often in order to still feel good with his “every day” and be on track.

“How about you?“ he asked in return and rather wanted to focus on the model’s answer than his own thoughts.

“Me?” Ten said, “oh, I don’t know… I guess I’m going where ever work is taking me. It’s all temporary anyway,” the voice of the model sounded calm, but the last sentence came out sounding almost sad, which made Johnny look up to the other with concern, concern that was eliminated with a smile of the other and a further explanation

“I get the best of it all really. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t take it for granted. I’m grateful for what I get with my line of work. I’m lucky in that regards.”

The photographer nodded, understanding the sentiment all too well. 

„No boundaries, Mhh?“ Johnny asked , sensing that such way of living had benefits but also downsides… but then again, so had every other way too. He thought about it while Ten continued to eat and decided to continue,  
  
“Call it Lucky… but you work hard for this - I am sure it demands a lot of discipline and confidence to do what you do with such remarkable results. Everyone with an eye for aesthetics will agree with me there," Johnny hoped it would cheer the other up. Not that the conversation went the wrong way, he just had not forgotten the sad sound of the other‘s voice and wanted to make sure that Ten would not feel uncomfortable.

It appeared to have been a successful pull when Johnny was rewarded with a smile from Ten,  
  
“Ah, you’re too kind! But— tell me,” Ten continued with a smirk and bold expression to Johnny, “how come you chose the path of photography? How come a fine looking lad like you are hiding behind the camera, and not standing in front?”

This was payback for his previous uplifting words, right? Johnny chuckled lowly, almost flusters to receive a comment about his looks, yet he just made some himself. It just proved that he was used to actually be behind the camera and not in the spotlight. He appreciated the compliment however and grinned with a _well played_ on his lips, receiving a bold look from the other in return that made Johnny grin in amusement. After this brief pause he explained.

„I am a simple man… I love food too much.“ he said and took a big bite, chewing, swallowing and then adding shortly just for the giggles, "family pizza, remember? Seriously though…” Johnny continued, “I just…love to remember beautiful things and people with the highest rate of detail.. that a photo can provide. Sure your mind is doing a good job as well, but with time you forget.. and this way you can focus on what‘s ahead. plus… I think I am good enough at it.“

Johnny grinned with confidence contrary to his usually humble personality. He was very aware of it but truthfully, he knew he was not bad at it. When you do something with passion, when you want the best results every day and don’t mind extra hours and hardships… you are not doing something wrong. Sure many were more talented but that was quiet alright, he needed the challenge. Ten found it funny as it seemed, laughing with his hand covering his mouth.  
  
“That’s a beautiful thought,” The photographer heard next before actually receiving a smack in his upper arm, followed by ten‘s remark: “Where’s the polite young man I met earlier? Though to be fair, you are not wrong”

This little interaction made Johnny laugh out loud, of course he was joining the game then as he dramatically rubbed the arm as if it was badly injured. 

„Ah.. ah… send help… I‘ve been OutNUMBERED by a wild Ten.“

Again Johnny teased with the other’s name and beamed from one ear to the other. It appeared he had a great time. The little act was interrupted when the phone in his pocket vibrated. He had put the sound off earlier to not get disturbed but when seeing Yoonoh’s Name on the display, he had to pick up, looking at Ten with apologetic eyes.  
  
Yoonoh: “Johnny? I am sorry to call but a bus of people just had arrived and I might need your help right now.” 

Johnny: „Ah.. I see.. yeah sure… “ 

Johnny responded quickly, hearing the voices in the background that just proved that Yoonoh had his hands full. Considering that he was showing Johnny‘s art made him not think twice about it.

„I‘m on my way… 10 minutes.. not longer," the photographer checked the time and nodded to himself; if he takes a cab he should be able to make it. 

„Thank you. I really would not have ask if it wasn‘t urgent.“ Yoonoh said with an apologetic tone that Johnny know all too well from his best friend. Bless him.  
  
„No worries. Just hold on…“ 

The call ended quickly and Johnny brushed his hair back - again with this habit of his. „That was Yoonoh… he got some audience to deal with and asked for my help…“ 

Johnny felt bad about leaving, but he had to help his friend out. Still, the taller male apologized, „I am so sorry, but I need to help him out…will you be okay here?“ 

He was not surprised to get a warm and understanding smile from the other, who said, “Don’t worry, I understand. Anyway, I’m more than okay. I’m ten out of ten,”.

Johnny relaxed when he sensed that he did not offend the model. He would feel very sorry if this nice day would end with him upsetting the other. But considering how polite Ten actually was, he shouldn‘t have worried about that. „Alright, I better hurry…“

Johnny took his empty plate in the trash bin next to the bench before he turned to the model a last time. „I do hope you have enjoyed the little tour, Mr. Ten- the number.“ Johnny bowed in an exaggerating way and winked playful but still natural,

„It had been an honor on my end to show you around. Thank you for showing interest in my work“ Johnny checked the time and nodded again, „I will give you a call once I could set everything up for the photoshoot . Stay tuned.“

Then he turned around and jogging through the park to not let his friend wait any second longer, waving at a cap that was waiting at the exit of the park, getting inside and driving off. 

While inside, Johnny recalled everything about the morning and felt like he did well. Hopefully Ten was thinking the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming by our fic, we truly hope you're enjoying the story as much as we do writing it! We're already working on the next chapter–so, stay tuned! All kudos and bookmarks mean the world to us, and would you care to leave a few words we owe you our souls (and another chapter!), thank you!


	3. Autumn Chill

**TEN**

“You can’t tell me he told you _no_?” Lee Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows.

It was Sunday evening and _of course_ Ten hadn’t been able to keep quiet about his almost date with Johnny Suh. It was only natural that Taeyong knew about it as well.

Ten mostly kept to himself when he was given any free time. He blamed it on the amount of hours he had to spend surrounded by people doting on him every other second. After all, it was part of his work. He was there to be an object, a beautiful thing for others to tend to. Perhaps that was why he needed so much time alone when he came home from a shoot. Needed time alone, by himself—but then, Taeyong was about the only other person Ten could stand having around him. Hyung was a comforting presence, even at times when all they shared was a space, silence hovering above them. It was better, sometimes, to not be left alone. Ten preferred not to dwell on why that was too often, but he suspected

Taeyong knew the reason why whether or not Ten himself had defined it yet—and Ten guessed that was part of the reason he often came by Ten’s flat; simply existing by his side. After all, it was difficult to break when someone else was present, witnessing it—and perhaps Taeyong knew that.

Ten still remembered the way they had met. It seemed a silly thing to Ten, thinking back on it.

Ten had started high school. Having recently moved to South Korea from Thailand didn’t at the time feel like an enormous move, but the impact of the slight changes crept upon him after time. The shift in culture, language, cuisine—and even if, at the end of the day, people were still just people, the same everywhere, they behaved slightly differently. All the things that seemed so familiar, new and dissimilar. Or maybe it was Ten who was the one a bit too peculiar.

He had started out proud, bold, and possibly a bit too much so for his peers. Ten had wanted that. To be just like everyone else was one of his worst nightmares. In hindsight he sometimes blamed himself for what happened. The then, much younger Taeyong, had soothingly patted his back, telling him that it wasn’t, could never be Ten’s fault. Ten felt guilty nevertheless.

The punches were easier, and somehow the words hurt more. They etched themselves within him, attaching themselves like hooks onto his skin, scratched and tore deeper than any knuckles could. Not to let go.

At times Ten told himself that it was for the best. That without the bullying, he wouldn’t have got as far as he did. That his ambition was born out of that. Pushed him off his arse and up, forward, _onwards_. To want to best all of them, prove that he could do better than what they thought him capable of.

“You’re so _weird_!” one of the boys spat at him, the boy’s friend punching his fist hard into Ten’s stomach, making Ten stumble backwards and into the wall behind him.

“Queer!” a third had said, hatred and disgust evident in his voice.

It had come rather suddenly, and Ten hadn’t known if there was ever anything he had done that could have made them guess—or if that was simply the worst harassment they could come up with.

His classmates had left him with a bleeding nose, bruised knees and a pulse beating hard through his chest. Ten had thought he was alone—until he had heard something. It sounded like sobs. Ten had raised his hand and to touch his own cheek, the corners of his eyes, but it was not his own tears he could hear. With a throbbing headache Ten had tried to turn around, locating the sound. 

That was when he saw him. The boy was small, and even though it was possible that he was taller than Ten, he seemed tiny. Thin and fragile in his physique. Tears were welling up his eyes, running down his cheeks in small rivulets and Ten was up on his feet in a second, leaning on the lockers behind him for balance and hurried over to the corner where the other boy was standing.

“Are you hurt?” he had asked, worry spreading like a virus through his body.

Ten hated to be humiliated in public, and so he had come to try to lure his offenders to desolated areas of the school.

Places few teachers or even other students went. He hadn’t noticed anyone else being attacked, but then, he had been pretty occupied with getting beaten up himself. It was quite possible he hadn’t been able to put any attention to anything else.

To his surprise the boy shook his head, tears too persistent for allowing him to speak.

“You sure?” Ten had continued anyway, eyes scanning the boy’s limbs for blood, bruises or scratches.

He was both relieved, and perplexed to found none.

The two of them had kept close since, an unspoken promise of protecting each other. Ten, often with dried blood smudging his skin; and Taeyong, a year older, smooth skin not broken from punches the way Ten’s would, and innocent doe eyes; yet somehow he was always the one who got hurt.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Ten had said after another visit from his peers after class, laughing as he had wiped at his busted lip with the sleeve on his shirt.

“It does for me,” Taeyong had said.

It had seemed an odd thing, that someone else would sympathise with a part Ten didn’t even care for. They could hit him all they wanted. It was their words that hurt the most, so Ten would have picked the beating any time.

“I didn’t have to tell him _no_,” Ten tried to explain when they were, again, placed on his sofa in his living room, sighing as he did so.

Taeyong’s eyebrows drew together even more, a cute yet puzzled expression on his face.

“No?” he asked, making it obvious that it still wasn’t making any sense to him, “no bloke could tell you _no_, Ten. You’re literally every man’s dream.”

Ten rolled his eyes.

“Not if you’re straight.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, Ten,” Taeyong said and his eyes were filled with emotion.

“Spare your sympathy,” Ten replied, closing his eyes to the sight of his friend.

“But if you don’t spare some for yourself, someone has to do it for you.”

Wasn’t that the whole point though? Why Ten preferred to stay out of relationships and any unnecessary feelings? What was the point of useless tears and time consuming heart break when one could make the active choice to stay out of all that?

“It’s not like that though,” Ten tried, “I don’t even know him yet.”

Ten opened his eyes again, clearly a mistake as he now saw his friend giving him a knowing look. The look of someone who thought they knew his thoughts better than he himself did. In general, Ten hated that look. It was the way directors would look at him, photographers, makeup artists. As if they truly believed who he was, just because they knew his face, his name—his _nickname_. They didn’t. No one knew him, not the real him. But then, Taeyong-hyung was different. Which was why it was always so much more difficult when he was trying to make a point. He, if anyone, could know Ten better than he himself did.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Ten said, raising his thought out loud.

Taeyong shrugged.

“I bet you can make him gay.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“A little more _bent_ then.”

“Still doesn’t work like that.”

“You’re such a spoilsport, Ten.”

Ten rolled his eyes.

You don’t choose your orientation. They both knew that, had both tried to to some extent. Both having failed at changing it. It simply was the way it was—that was that.

“You could do with a friend,” Taeyong said, rolling onto his back, squished together with Ten on sofa that was much too small for the both of them.

It was a pretty thing, but mostly convenient for sitting, not so much for lying down. It was much like all of Ten’s flat.

Clean and convenient, but not so much for comfort as it was for necessities. He spent most of his time out working anyway, it was only logical to live by the bare minimum—that would still provide him with a calming atmosphere. Ten had chosen to have very little furniture, and instead emphasising on style. He liked it pretty, after all.

“Hyung,” Ten huffed in reply, “don’t be silly. I have friends.”

It rang true though, like so many things Taeyong cared to point out. He said the things Ten needed to hear, but was too much of a coward, or too proud to dare say out loud himself.

Ten could do with a friend. Perhaps Johnny Suh could be one.

* * *

**JOHNNY**

„Cheers to you“ Yoonoh said with a broad smile, holding his glass up and waiting for his best friend to join in.

Johnny did not hesitate and bumped his glass against the other’s and humbly saying,

“I could have never done that without you…so cheers to us”

And he did not just say that. Thanks to Yoonoh, the photographer had gained great reviews and recognition about his work, the exhibition had been a real success.

This was all exciting for both of them, so a week after they opened the exhibition, the two headed out to celebrate.

“You know that I would have asked to show off your work, even when were weren’t close.”

Yoonoh explained, always being honest and sincere, just what Johnny appreciated the most about the lad.

“Doesn’t make me less grateful to got this chance. I owe you, brother.”

Yoonoh just grinned, dimples showing before the waitress brought them their plates. Johnny smiled back at the other, cherishing the bond the two friends shared and started to eat.

Both did not say much for a while, rather focusing on the steak on their plate and just were giving hums and nods of approval. It had been absolutely delicious. The restaurant had been a recommendation from Yoonoh, who pretty much knew all the fancy and best locations to eat. Both of them always approved of good food, for both of them it was more than just something to fill the belly. Both could cook but actually they never prepared something together, a thought that crossed Johnny’s mind just then and he made a mental note to make the suggestion the next time that they will hang out.

It inwardly let him remember another mental note that he made a week ago, asking his mother for the Ttoebokki recipe. Ten’s favourite korean dish. Why the model crossed his mind just then was not obvious to him, the thought just hit. The two just spend a nice and relaxing Saturday morning/lunch together and hadn’t any contact since then. Johnny had been all busy this week with the exhibition that he only made a few calls for the photoshooting he wanted to do without any results that would allow him to contact Ten. He promised to give him a call when everything was settled, and he might need a couple of days for just preparing that.

“What are you thinking?”

Johnny heard Yoonoh say all of a sudden and it dragged him out of his thoughts.

“Ahhh, I just reminded myself to make some arrangements the next days for a photoshoot.”

Yoonoh had a grin on his lips as he wiped his mouth clean with a napkin so Johnny asked,

“What is so funny?”

“It’s the photoshoot with Ten?”

Johnny was surprised Yoonoh figured it out right away and nodded,

“Yeah, he wanted to work with me, can you believe that?”

Just that thought made him really excited. It was the first time that a model came to him with a request, he did not have to pay or beg for someone for a change. All of what happened this week felt new to Johnny and it was just what he had needed, his motivation had returned.

“It is surprising. I heard a lot of things about him, he is a name.” Yoonoh explained and sipped at his glass again.

“Someone with his looks – not surprising. Remember my idea about the underwater shots?”

Yoonoh nodded, “Don’t say that you gonna do this with him?”

Johnny had just chewed on his steak and swallowed before answering,

“Yep, it just became a topic during the private tour I did with him and I promised to prepare anything and give him a call.”

“Need any help?” Yoonoh asked but Johnny just waved,

“No no, I am good. Thank you though. I have my contacts, just need to find the time to give them all a call and find a date to do this – hopefully Ten – the number will be available then.”

“Ten – the number?” Yoonoh repeated amused and almost choked on his drink.

“Yeah..:”, Johnny chuckled as well “I don’t know, he refused to reveal much about himself, so that’s the only introduction I’ve got, oh and he likes Ttoebokki.”

Yoonoh rose his eyebrow, even more amused about this TMI but did not make a comment about it, rather asking,

“What do you think of him?” Yoonoh was curious about Johnny’s reaction to the question. Not that he was having anything in mind yet, but he noticed a change in his best friend ever since Ten was mentioned and he wanted to dig deeper of the possible reasons. The Johnny in front of him right here was very familiar and long missed ever since the break up with Sue.

“He is a real model, effortless aesthetic and very dedicated too, I witnessed it the day I met him and his friend Taeyong, another photographer.” Johnny thought what to add more and just got reminded that he did not know much about the other’s personality, because Ten chose to not speak much about himself. It was in a way bothersome, Johnny was curious about the lad because he felt like they really got along well, and this was crazy when the model was still just a stranger, right? Luckily, Yoonoh hasn’t picked up on that, rather focused on the last part Johnny said

“Oh? Another photographer? Do you know some of his work?” Yoonoh asked with interest, nothing new for Johnny because Yoonoh was always looking for new young artists to scout and promote. He had made this some sort of lifetime goal as it seemed. Bless him.

“Taeyong? Uhhh” Johnny thought and brushed his hair back.

“No, not yet. I planned to do some research on him, since Ten mentioned that some of the pictures they did got published somewhere. and I might want to have these shots to prepare my own one.”

“Well, if you don’t mind forwarding it then.. If someone like Ten is modelling for him, he might be interesting to scout.” Of course Yoonoh immediately smelt business and Johnny promised that he will, although from what he saw of the two and the way Ten was talking about the other photographer, they seem to be friends, not just business partners. But if he can actually help out, he will.

Another mental note to make that evening.

When the plates were empty as well as their glasses, they asked for the bill and even so Johnny intended to invite Yoonoh, his friend had his card in hand quicker than him and insisted in paying for the photographer too. Johnny sighed, not that happy with it because Yoonoh always paid for them. He surely was wealthy with his family background and own business, Johnny only earned around 40% of his friends income a month, but still… Johnny had the pride to pay this in order to thank Yoonoh for the exhibition, the many contacts, the time and effort. And here the lad paid the steak for Johnny too. It made the photographer sigh but gratitude was showing on his smile.

“At least let me buy a coffee for us, okay?”

Yoonoh agreed on that and the two headed out of the restaurant. Some months ago, a really good coffeshop had opened with the best Americano’s in town, and that without being biased. This was the place where Johnny got the two cups for him and Ten as well a week ago.

Yoonoh and Johnny entered and since Autumn brought a chill breeze and soft yet cold rain that evening, the two decided to enjoy their coffee there instead “To go”.

They actually stayed longer then firstly intended, talking about all that happened and just some very random stuff too. As they had ordered another Americano, Johnny was randomly browsing a local magazine that was on the coffeetable. The shop was known to be a good place for private promotions and flyers, a lot of start ups and freelancers were using this sort of platform for their advertisement, so it never hurt for a freelancer himself to check some of them.

And just like some crazy coincidence happens, he stopped on one page that caught his eye immediately. His mouth opened, eyes trying to capture the photo.

“Isn’t that your model?” Yoonoh said with interest after seeing his friend so stunned. He only saw it upside down and moved his head to be certain and getting his answer.. since Johnny was still just staring at the image.

It was the model indeed. Wow… this was actually the shot from the park and the angle.. it.. it truly worked. A smile now showing on Johnny’s lips, appreciating the arrangement with the lights, Ten’s handsome features, and the autumn themed background. It was an amazing shot.

Only then he got back to the here and now and showing the magazine properly to his friend.

“Yeah, it’s him. And that’s… actually a photo from Taeyong… the other photographer I mentioned earlier.” Yoonoh was even more curious now and took the magazine to see if there was anthing written about him. There was just a small section with some details and Yoonoh then turned to the barista behind the counter, asking if he could take this one with him. The man nodded friendly and was actually pointing on a pile of these magazines that seemed to be laid out here for free.

Johnny was still looking at the photo, fascinated and in awe that Taeyong really listened to his little advice. He took one of the magazines without hesitation and just added to his friend amused,

“Small world”

They had spent another half hour in the coffeeshop, talking about other things as well before both decided to call it a night. Johnny planned to get up early to do the calls for his underwater shooting and Yoonoh had a meeting with some business partners as well.

***

A couple of days later, Johnny actually managed to arrange everything that was necessary for the photoshooting with Ten. It was not as easy as he thought, finding all ressources this shortly. In the end he actually had to ask Yoonoh for help, who could provide him some contacts of stylists. He could always count on his best friend and Johnny got more and more restless about how to ever pay him back.

Just this morning, his first choice of stylists had accept to join in. and confirmed the date Johnny was able to settled for all other parties. Now it was only Ten who had to agree and Johnny was looking for his phone at home when the magazine, that he got at the coffeeshop, caught his eyes.

He opened the page he had opened many times that week, smiling at it because it was so aesthetic and well done. But not only that, Ten’s aesthetic danced in such harmony to the rest of the setting. Hopefully it will be the same for his shooting, just this photo alone inspired him immensely this week. After having an artist block for that long period of time, this was like an oasis in the desert and Johnny was absorbing this source of energy to the fullest

He took his phone and opened his list of contacts to give the lad a call as promise, noticing his excitement in his chest while hearing the beep on the other end and waiting for the model to pick up.

But no response. He tried another time before actually speaking a voice message on the other’s mailbox. It was not surprising, Ten was most likely busy himself, hopefully he actually can attend to the date Johnny figured out.

A long high beep gave him the green light to speak his message and Johnny said,

“Hello, Mr. Ten – the number. It’s me, Johnny Suh. I owed you a call sooner this week, sorry for that. And now you seem to be unavailable. So.. maybe you can call me back or text me whenever you have some free time.

The set for our Photoshoot will be ready next Saturday 4pm. I know it might not be the best day to work, but I do hope you can attend. The other free date I was able to find with the stylists and requisite would be…”

Beep Beep Beep.

Damn it..

His message reached the time restriction for voice messages.

That was embarrassing but Johnny could not really help it. So he made another call and left a second voice message,

“Stupid Voice Message doesn’t know how to flex like me..” He tried to make a joke and continued

“Sorry about that. Uhm.. okay so the other date would be on Monday around 11am. I will send you the address once you agreed on one of the days. Please let me know if none of the dates is suitable and we have to forward it, but probably for a couple of weeks, since I have to work on my next project with a magazine. So yeah, I hope we can make it work and it will be Ten/10. Byeee”

He pronounced Ten with a higher voice then the number following, just to make sure the lad will get his playful fun with the model’s artist’s name.

Now it was all on the model to message or call him back, so in the meantime Johnny started to edit a few photos that he recently made to test the quality of his new underwater equipment. He was so dedicated and hyped for the photoshoot that he did not want for anything to go wrong.

Better be prepared. Better safe than sorry.

It truly had been so long since the photographer felt this kind of inspiration. It was revitalizing and highly overdue.

* * *

**TEN**

At first it was another joke, said teasingly as Ten had posed before his friend, the mirror showing Ten in an extravagant outfit inside a fitting room way too small for two still growing teenagers—even considering that Ten was still short, whilst many of his classmates were shooting at ridiculous speed through their respective growth spurts.

That was probably the reason why it sounded like such an absurd idea when Taeyong-hyung had blurted: “You should be a model, Ten.”

It was bizarre. Ten? A model? Like what then? A fashion model—showing off designer clothes on high heels and colourful makeup?

“I’m not a girl,” Ten had replied, smile still lingering on his face from a previous fit of laughter they had tried to repress as to not draw too much attention to themselves—it clearly said on the sign outside that there was a limit of one person per fitting room.

But wherever Ten went, so did Lee Taeyong—and it went the other way around as well. Even if rules would try to deny them that, they’d work around it somehow.

It was Ten’s first year in high school. He was just the right age to be a model. At least if one was to believe the little that Ten knew about the industry at the time. How they all got into the business at a far too young an age, which made them all sorts of messed up. Mental disorders and failed exams. Blood, tears and sweat. For real.

Mirror Taeyong-hyung rolled his eyes at Ten, his body language giving off an exaggerated sigh even though Ten could barely hear it (Taeyong was apparently still making sure not to be kicked out from the fitting room).

“Not all models are female, don’t be stupid,” Taeyong-hyung had said, and even though the words themselves were harsh nothing in his appearance was.

Taeyong rarely was. Even though his look was a bit stern, nose pointed and jaw sharper than most—Taeyong’s edges were soft. His inside kind and thoughtful. Always making sure Ten knew when he was only teasing him.

“I know that,” Ten replied, defensive as his pride continued to make it difficult for him to admit when he said something stupid—even when it came to Taeyong, “I’m too short anyway.”

They had left it at that. None of them mentioned it—until about two years later. But this time, it came back persistent, a seemingly constant presence which left Ten wondering whether or not it had left the realm of teasing to turn into something more serious, like an actual suggestion. Taeyong would not let it rest, and whenever Ten had bought new clothes Taeyong would comment: “If people saw you in magazines they’d want to buy the same clothes as you’re wearing.”

“No one buys the same clothes I’m wearing,” Ten had replied.

“You’re not in a magazine yet, Ten. You don’t attract the right audience here. You have to be a model first.”

The comments added up as the months came and went, became more in quantity and Ten only thought it sillier and sillier—until another year had passed Ten had had enough of Taeyong’s insistent pestering.

“Okay fine,” he had said one evening as they were both on Ten’s bed, music blasting through the speakers.

“What?” Taeyong-hyung had replied and Ten had realised he had been thinking again, so obviously Taeyong couldn’t possibly know what Ten had been talking about—since it had all happened inside his head anyway.

“Right,” Ten had said then, clearing his throat, “Okay, I’ll send in my details.”

Taeyong looked just as confused as before Ten had started the current conversation. _If I have to spell it out for you I will_, Ten had thought.

“_Okay_, as in I’ll contact a model agency or however else one does these things.”

It had felt stupid when Ten had finally got his first meeting with the agency. An audition of some kind. Ten had fidgeted in his seat as they had asked him questions after questions. _Had he done modelling before_, _was he by any means experienced in any similar field_—Ten wasn’t. He had been ready to leave just when they had quite suddenly decided to take him under their wing, looking up from the papers in front of them and turning off the camera that kept them company.

“We’ll be looking forward to working with you,” they had said and Ten had bowed on his way out of the building, thanking them for their time and the opportunity.

Taeyong-hyung had been happy for him, and yet Ten couldn’t help but think that it was his friend who should have signed the contract instead. Sure, Ten could pull charms—he knew how to do that, charm his way through and through. But Lee Taeyong? He had something Ten had never had. A fine look unique to him, refined and edgy at the same time. Yet hyung had been the one to end up behind the camera. How was it that the most beautiful people always ended up behind the camera and not in front of it?

It had happened so fast it seemed. Turning from a harmless joke into something Ten was relying on to pay his rent. It truly was a pity he hadn’t started in the business earlier. He probably should have listened to Taeyong from the beginning. Taeyong was always right (perhaps not when it came to himself, but when it came to others, he _knew_).

The messages left on Ten’s voicemail had been from Johnny Suh, two suggested dates for the shooting and Ten was already more than busy. His week had been packed with work. More so than in a long time.

_Saturday 4PM_, Suh had said—and even if he had given another alternative date Ten felt like it had to happen on Saturday. After all, they had talked about it for some time now, and honestly Ten hadn’t been able to put the idea out of his mind since he had first suggested it to Suh. Ten blamed it on the already scheduled shoot that was to happen on Monday the week after anyway. The opportunity to be on the cover of one of the more notable magazines was simply something he couldn’t turn down—out of question even. But the shoot that had been planned for Saturday? Sure, Ten could change that. It was just some clothing brand after all, like all the rest of them.

It felt better, telling himself those were the only reasons, instead of acknowledging that Ten might actually be more excited about a project with this Johnny Suh than with some new strange faces he’d never seen before—and whom all would look at him the way they all did, as if he was nothing but a subject. Something disposable.

Somehow Suh made him feel like a person. It was an odd thing, unusual, even. Perhaps even more so since Ten still didn’t even know the man. Had barely scratched the surface.

All this considered, Ten obviously couldn’t possibly tell Suh the truth about already being more than busy on both dates he had suggested. Ten simply had to reschedule. Suh didn’t have to know the details.

  
***  


When Saturday afternoon finally came and the clock was ticking closer to 4, Ten was walking towards the bus station they had agreed to meet by. The weather forecast probably said that it was going to be raining, but Ten, being an idiot, hadn’t checked before leaving his flat nor had he brought an umbrella. So far it was only drizzling, tiny droplets falling down and sprinkling his hair and shoulders. Ten checked the busses, wondering which one he would be taking with Suh. He hoped the location for the shoot wouldn’t be too far from the station.

Ten would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised when he saw the car window being rolled down as a SUV made its way closer to the bus station. Inside was none other than Johnny Suh, driving the damn thing, giving Ten a wave and one of those infectious warm smiles. Ten had thought they would be going by bus, especially considering the location of their meeting point. Ten quirked an eyebrow as the car came a bit closer still.

“Oh?” was all Ten said, his tone playful and the corner of his lips already pulling towards a smile, unable to do anything but match the other man.

“Surprise. Figured it would start raining so I thought I would pick you up,“ Suh said in reply, leaning over the passenger seat to open the door for Ten.

“What ever did I do to deserve such a gentleman?” Ten teased, smiling as he quickly got into the car.  
He closed the door promptly behind him as to not let in too much rain. He took a quick look around the car and leaned back in the passenger seat. The car was nice, very nice. On the fancier side if Ten was being honest. He wondered if it was Suh’s car.

Ten turned to the man beside him, and if Ten had known him better he might have said Johnny Suh looked flustered. But

Ten still didn’t know him well enough to tell.

“Hm, I do have a couple of ideas, but the most obvious one seemed to be that you know a gentleman?“ was the reply that came only a short moment later, followed by exaggerated wiggling of two perfectly shaped eyebrows and Suh chuckled.

_An absolute dork_, Ten thought, smile still on his lips as he gave a small shake with his head. 

Suh stopped at a red light, his own smile still in place as he continued: “How have you been this week?“

_If you only knew_, Ten thought, leaning his elbow on the door, palm against his jaw.

“Bit busy, nothing out of the ordinary though,” Ten said instead, adding smoothly, “mostly I’ve looked forward to today,” he said, turning his head towards Johnny and allowing himself to be honest about the last part.

It was true, after all. There was no reason to hide it.

“What about you, how have your week been? Busy working on today’s shoot?”

Ten felt relieved when he could turn the question back to Suh. It wasn’t so much that Ten bothered about attention, in truth he rather liked it—but it was something with the way Johnny Suh asked him questions. As if he truly cared about Ten’s daily life, which in itself, was a ridiculous thought. The photographer couldn’t possibly be interested to know? Not really. Suh asked, but so did everyone. At the end of the day small talk was still just small talk. It didn’t matter. They all asked out of politeness, social norms, or in lack of better things to say. But no one truly cared. Nor did Ten usually feel like sharing anyway. It didn’t matter, not to them, and definitely not to Ten either.

“You did?” Suh said and his voice sounded light, almost… surprised.

It was stupid, but of course Ten had been looking forward to it. Working with a photographer not only interested in him for commercial purposes but for fine art? That was new, interesting, and Ten wanted to know what it could be like. Not to mention, there was something about Johnny Suh, and not only because he was an attractive young lad but because he seemed genuinely interested in Ten, as if that interest wasn’t only born out of idolising and looks. It was unusual, but not unwelcome. It also completely felt like a slippery slope, where only disappointment waited at the pit.

The light turned green and Suh continued: "You are too kind. For me it has been a busy week. First the exhibition which turned out better than expected and now this, we are driving to the house of a friend of mine. He has an indoor pool and just the perfect setup for my concept. Can’t say I wasn’t looking forward to this as well. I hope you will like the arrangements.”

“Glad to hear your exhibition went well! I wouldn’t have expected anything less—not with a talent like yours,” Ten replied, with a smirked he added, “I’m sure it’ll be brilliant.”

“You are too kind… but it’s appreciated,” Johnny said.

Ten watched the city pass by outside, it wasn’t dark yet, but the sky was definitely turning a slightly more somber tone. Blue but as if dimly lit.

They sat quietly for what Ten assumed was some minutes. It felt easy, and usually Ten wasn’t too keen on silences. It was often a sign that something was off, that something had gone wrong—that they were bored of _him_. Instead Ten liked to jump into jokes and teasing instead, using laughs to soften up a conversation. But with Suh he felt as though he could get used to it. As if perhaps, it was okay to not always perform.  
In contrast to the sky the car soon pulled up in front of a house that could only be described as lavish in style, fancy in looks—yet it wasn’t excessively fancy, not a house built only to flaunt the owner’s capital for any passerby to see. It was tasteful, Ten had to admit. As if it was built with thought, putting just the right amount into everything, the curve and bend of it, the shade of the paint—and Ten caught himself wondering who lived in this house. Clearly someone who knew how to use their money well without going overboard, who might have calculated so that everything would work out perfectly.

Suh stopped the engine and exited the car, and so Ten followed, walking up towards the front door whilst the taller seemed to be looking for the right key to use.

“The house belongs to a good friend of Yoonoh and I. He is currently not at home, so it was no big deal to use it for the photoshoot,” Suh explained as if he had sensed Ten’s internal question.

Johnny Suh found the key and unlocked the door, pulling it aside for Ten to enter and with a smile he said: “Come on in.”

The two walked inside, entering a perfect picture. It felt as though they had stepped into a magazine showing beautiful homes and interiors. The furniture looked new. Neat in a way that made it seem almost untouched, only there for display. Ten wondered if the owner really used any of it or if they made sure to clean it and keep it in new condition after usage.  
Even their footsteps echoed through the rooms as if they were empty, up the walls and bounced back as Suh showed Ten the way down a hallway. Suh gestured towards a toilet and a bathroom before they continued, finally arriving at the place which could only be the intended place for the shoot. Lightning equipment was already placed around a beautiful indoor pool.

“Wow,” Ten commented quietly, “impressive,” he said, because even if it wasn’t as fancy as he had seen before, it was still very nice.

Perhaps nicer than the ones bought only because the owners had too much money on their hands.

“While we wait, would you like a coffee? Or maybe something refreshing?” the artist said, proving to be nothing less than the gentleman Ten had teased him of being earlier that afternoon.

Ten was still looking around as he replied: “Coffee would be lovely.”

It slipped out before Ten had time to consider the question, he turned around to face Johnny, quickly adding, “though you really don’t have to!” he assured, “we could take a coffee after the shoot—if you have time that is.”

Ten scratched the back of his head. He didn’t want to seem too greedy. He hated when models did that, acting as if they were the most important part of any job done. And sure, if the subject for the shoot was a model it was difficult to do it without any, that was true, but it didn’t mean that they should feel entitled to act as if the world where at their feet.

Letting people serve them even when they didn’t need to.

“How about both… coffee now—and after the shoot. I will most likely start editing them this night because this is very important and exciting for me, so I need caffeine,“ Suh explained as he was walking behind a small counter next to the pool.

If the photographer was fine with that, Ten wouldn’t tell him no.

Ten took a look around, walking around the pool. Taking in the sound the water made as it fell down the drain at the sides, the shape of the lights inside the pool as it turned and shifted when the ripples on the surface forced it to change.

After a couple of minutes Suh returned to Ten with two cups in hand.

“This one will not be as good as the one I gave you last Saturday, but I promise the one later on will be good again. I am not a barista…“

Ten smiled as he accepted the cup.

“Hm,” Ten hummed before taking a small sip from the coffee, noting that Johnny had remembered his favourite coffee drink, eyes still intent on Johnny’s hazel ones, “well,” Ten said, licking his top lip, “seems that all you touch turns into art, Johnny Suh.”

The American sipped at his own coffee. Ten guessed he was unsure whether or not to believe him. When the words sunk in Ten could swear he saw a light shade of pink crawling up Suh’s neck.

“Ah, no, that’s not true. I am nothing without my subjects, like you. Trust me…“ Suh brushed his hair back, looking away in that manner which Ten had noted could possibly indicate that the other was nervous, or distressed in some way—perhaps flustered, even.

The photographer might be tall, big in general compared to Ten really, yet there were moments when he seemed small. Adorable in a youthful way.

It didn’t last long, someone, who was apparently to help out with the shoot arrived and Suh hurried up and away to help out.

  
***  


An hour later and Ten had learned that it was the stylist for the shoot, her name already a confused mixture of something like Sun in Ten’s mind—but Ten couldn’t remember. He felt bad already for having forgotten her name, and hoped he wouldn’t have to ask again if he was just to smile at her and do as she said. _Look a bit more to the left_, _close his eyes_, _turn around_. Whatever directions she gave him. He also learned that she must have had—possibly extensive—knowledge about him from before this shoot. It was evident in the way she moved around him, almost anxious. As if she wanted to impress him. Make Ten see how professional she was—and she _was_. That wasn’t the problem. She was brilliant, no problem. But Ten knew when someone was flirting. He did it too often himself as to not recognise when someone else was trying a bit too hard. He didn’t blame her. She was sweet. Pretty young, perhaps even his own age. Probably just recently started out. It was only natural that she was excited, given that she would crush on the model. Ten would have flirted back, he usually did a bit anyway. It was in his personality, in the way he moved his hands, the way he turned his head and smiled back—but it would never be more than that. Ten sometimes wished he could tell them. The girls and women who danced around him, hoping for something he could never give them. Ten hated to disappoint. And this would only give disappointment, or worse—heartbreak. Fortunately he was only to be working with this stylist for one time only, at least for now. And perhaps in the future, she would be falling for someone else, someone prettier, someone nicer, sweeter—someone who could return her feelings in kind. Someone she actually knew. And so, Ten would stay clear of heartbreak, for this time.

The makeup was done, and Ten reckoned it had been so 15 minutes ago too, but he hadn’t felt like he could point that out to her.

“Done,” she said eventually, and even after stating so, gave a few more dabs and a few more strokes with the brush on Ten’s face.

Ten smiled at her as he turned around, looking at the photographer instead who seemed busy checking the lightning and taking test shots. Suh turned his head from the camera and noticed Ten, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“Wow, yes… I like the natural look,“ Suh said, smile turning impossibly brighter, moving away so that Ten could get into the water, “Don’t worry, it is warm. I heated it up, so you won‘t get cold.“

Ten raised his eyebrows at Johnny again, a smile on his lips.

“Why, thank you,” he said, “that’s considerate of you.”

If only Ten could get Johnny Suh.

He hated it. The way it had started to feel like a challenge. Ten knew he should leave it alone. Suh was straight. He had told him so himself. He was straight and he was a professional. This way of thinking wasn’t professional, Ten scolded himself. He couldn’t be thinking like that. It was fruitless. Utterly stupid. And anyway, Ten knew Taeyong-hyung was right. It wouldn’t be so wrong to try to get a friend instead. But then, when was the last time Ten had made a new friend?

Ten started to take off his jacket, black and soft to the touch, fluffy in looks. It didn’t take long until he felt hands on his upper arms, and Ten turned his head around, coming face to face with the stylist again, a smile taking over her face and he smiled back, ignoring the knot in his stomach.

“Thank you,” he said, as she seemed insistent to help him out of the jacket and carried it away to the temporary makeup and styling spot she had made right by the left corner of the pool.

Ten then turned towards Suh instead, taking a deep breath. The shoot itself was finally happening—and perhaps it could be a new beginning to something, whatever it may be.

“How do you want me?” Ten asked.

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Everything worked well so far, that was assuring. Johnny had non stop thought about today, about the things he needed to do, preparations to make and planning everything in great detail so that nothing can take away this one-time chance for him at that day. 

He was not long in business only a couple of years and had done many things before that. Sometimes he questioned himself if he made the right choices with leaving US and family behind, coming here to Seoul to build his own life from scratch and gain independence in a genre that was truly hard to get into as a no-name with little to no connections.  
His best friend Yoonoh was aiming for the very same goal but having a different background with his wealthy family.  
When his business with scouting young artists wouldn’t work out, he still was the only heritage for his parent’s little “empire”. He never had to check his pockets to see how much money was left at the end of the month, unlike Johnny. It was not like he was not being able to pay his bills as a freelancer. He managed even during the time where the artist’s block bothered him. But of course, this was all not enough to actually be proud of. No.  
Any opportunity was part of a big puzzle that Johnny still worked for. Any puzzle piece was essential to him.  
To a third party it was strange that Yoonoh and Johnny had maintained such a strong friendship over the years. But everything had started when they were kids in young age. 

Yoonoh was travelling a lot with his parents all over the world, barely staying longer than a year in one city. But Yoonoh’s parents preferred him to go to a normal school instead of having a private teacher and to give their only child some stability, they stayed in the US for four years. He and Johnny were in the same class during that time. The photographer was too young to remember every detail of that time, but his mother often talked about their bond that was created. The shy, eloquent and quiet Jung Yoon Oh, and the noisy, warmhearted carefree Johnny surely proved the truth of the saying “opposite attracts”. Together, the duo had it all. Plus - Their friendship was built before things like money or success could have any influence on them. 

After 4 years however, Yoonoh’s family moved again - but considering that their parents supported their friendship, the two boys were able to see each other frequently, like visiting each other during holidays or writing each other.  
Just when both reached adulthood, Yoonoh decided to stay in one place, moving to Seoul where he was born. And this fact had clearly been part of Johnny’s consideration when he decided to move to South Korea to start his own life and business. His mother was not too happy to see her boy leaving the states, but she agreed regardless, not wanting to be in his way to find his place.   
And this was another reason why Johnny was working this hard. He wanted to prove himself to his parents. He wanted them to be proud of their son.  
  
And this motivation was constantly on Johnny’s mind - today was no exception. 

He checked his cameras, adjusted the lightning, making some test shots and was highly concentrated on his task to not make any mistakes. It was not just because of this chance being given to him, it also felt like he was appreciated by Ten and it was something he had rarely witnessed in this genre before or at least around the people he had met.  
Ten mentioned to have been working a lot this week and yet here was - he was here for Johnny. So he owed the other for this forwarded trust more than anything.  
  
It was his first shoot with a model like Ten and he rarely arranged a photoshoot like this one too. Therefore it had been quite a task to find a stylist, willing to work for him.  
Yoonoh had helped him by sharing some contacts but one after the other declined his requests. Just when Johnny mentioned that during one of their hangouts, he listened to his best friends’ advice to contact one of them again and actually dropping Ten’s name.  
And not to Yoonoh’s surprise, the stylist suddenly rescheduled her day to manage a free time slot to come and work with Ten and Johnny. Yoonoh truly knew how to negotiate in this business and the photographer was trying to absorb all of these experiences for the future as well.  
One will never stop learning.  
  
So everything had worked out in the end. The stylist arrived in time and was now working with Ten on the natural concept for the photoshoot and once Johnny saw the model it was hard to not approve and smile.  
Surely, Ten was always good looking. But so far he had only seen the model in fancy, expensive suits and designer jeans. This minimalistic natural look on him was new and it was exceeding Johnny’s expectations in every aspect. He usually preferred natural looks, because less was sometimes more, especially with his base idea of this photoshoot and with such a result, Johnny couldn’t stop looking at the model. There was a tickling in his chest, surely the excitement to finally being able to take photos of Ten. This strange warmth Johnny noticed was probably caused by the nervousness that also crawled up on him.  
  
Do not mess it up. Do not mess it up.  
  
Being in this kind of state, Ten’s sudden question of how Johnny wanted him, took the other off guard, almost choking on the last bit of coffee that he just wanted to finish before getting to work.  
Why this question hit him like that was unclear to the photographer. But a strange spark had rushed through him and left him all startled when he asked,:  
“Uhm sorry?”  
  
He could see a playful smirk on Ten and only exhaled in the second the model responded,:  
“For the shoot, you loon.” 

It saved the situation for Johnny, because he knew what a tease Ten was to ask a question like that. It had been on purpose and Johnny should have known that by now.

“Right.. sorry”  
He licked over his lip nervously, actually feeling embarrassed to have shown an unprofessional side of him, regardless of Ten looking amused about that.

Johnny turned around to hide his face, actually adjusting the light in the room as an alibi, which caused him to actually turn up the ISO. When everything was ready, he nodded to himself.

The dimmed light was very endearing. And the bluish light from the pool adding a little breeze of cold to the scene.  
Beautiful.

He remembered that Ten was still waiting for instructions,

“Uh, could you go over there, please?” he pointed to the end of the pool and walked on the other side of it to get in his own position,

“Make yourself comfortable and let me just take some test shots.”  
  
He did a few pictures.

\- click click click -

Then he was walking over to his laptop that was connected to his camera and checking them.  
  
This works nicely.  
  
Another nod for himself only. Johnny looked over to Ten to give him an approval smile. “Looks good, we can start”  
  
_-click click click -_  
  
Johnny was in his element. He gave small instructions, running all over the place, checking the previews on his laptop, doing some more. After several minutes of capturing that scene, he pointed on the water’s surface, 

“Could you play with the water a little, please?”  
He never missed to not let it sound to demanding, his polite kind nature showing even when he was in his work mode. 

Ten did what he had been asked and dipped his index finger in the water, making stroking movements and only sometimes meeting the camera with his eyes, receiving,  
“This is it.. Yes. Nice.” from the photographer.  
  
When Johnny felt like he got enough material from this scene he brushed his hair back and said, “I think it is time to get inside. ” He smiled and heard Ten asking,

Do you want my hair still dry or should I just dive in?”

It was actually the first time that Ten had said anything ever since the shooting had started. Another new situation but it was to be expected during a photoshoot. 

It only showed Ten’s professionality, so Johnny actually let him decide what to do in the water. 

“As you please Mr. Ten - the number”.

While the model got into the water, Johnny rushed over to get different equipment, adjusting the light again before actually getting into the water himself for some good angles.  
  
_\- click click click - _  
  


Johnny was like in trance, this was his passion, his love. Even so Ten only made the smallest changes in pose or expression, it gave Johnny the urge to capture all of them.

  
„Wow…“ he said absently and checked the setting again, making small adjustments and taking more and more.  
This was like oxygen for him.  
  
Johnny Suh was back.  
  
Ten dived into the water, moving experimentally and always looking at the photographer for advice and instructions. 

Johnny himself could not lay his eyes off Ten. Probably because he had not done such a shoot in a long time if ever. And the lightning, the model‘s expression, the vulnerable poses, Ten’s elegance, everything was just perfect, it was as if Ten could read his mind or even doing things before Johnny even thought of it. So even so the model was seeking for input, Johnny’s instructions were very vague and allowed room for interpretation.  
  
Johnny stepped out of the water after quite a long time being in there with Ten. He checked the photos again at the laptop and pressed his lips together when excitement rushed through him once more.  
  
Ten looked absolutely stunning in those shots. He probably did not even have to make any edits on him or eventually just the slightest ones. This was truly incredible to Johnny, so he could not hold back his praise as a “Perfect” tumbled off his lips.

His hazel eyes moved over to Ten and he smiled once again, expression how pleased he was with the results.  
  
“I think this is it.” Johnny announced and checked the time, surprised to see how long the photoshoot had been going. It clearly felt like only a couple of minutes to him. A good sign.  
  
Johnny picked up a towel that he had placed on the table nearby and offering Ten a hand to get out of the water. The model dipped down under water for a last time, going up and using the water to get his hair out of his face before accepting the photographer’s hand.

The hand was not so smooth like the time at the exhibition, but that was to be expected considering how long Ten was in the water.

„This was really more than I expected… I can not wait to edit them.“ He said pleased, ignoring the fact that his own clothes had been soaked as well, only his hair remained dry. 

“I’m glad,” Ten replied once being out of the water as well, “it’s been my pleasure, truly,” he continued, which made Johnny beam in approval. “Again you are too kind.”

He felt a chill running through him, since the water had been heated up and much warmer than the air outside. He immediately offered the towel to Ten, so the model would not freeze or tremble. Once he took care of that, Johnny got himself a towel too and heard Ten saying,

“I’ll be excited to see the final pictures! Make sure to make me attractive,” a teasing smile was visible on Ten’s face, by know Johnny knew it well, so he could shoot right back this time when responding,

„Oh I don‘t need to edit much then and you know it.“   
He wrapped the towel around his neck and still felt the coldness of the room, so Johnny suggest,

„It is a bit chilly out of the water… you better get off these clothes before you catchst. Cold okay?“ 

It had not been a question to debate, so he watched Ten actually hurrying off to one of the bathrooms close by, his bag over his shoulder, probably for spare clothes that he had packed - good. Johnny turned his attention now to the stylist who had done an exceptional good work today, very professional and polite.  
She was already wrapping up all of her items, probably planning to leave since it took a little longer than firstly scheduled.

“Sorry we were not on time. I hope you are in no trouble?” Johnny asked kindly and actually helped her by giving her some of her things to pack.

“Please, it was a pleasure to do this today. I’ll be okay.” The stylist responded and gave Johnny a sweet smile. Of course he noticed that, but also realised that it was different from the one she was giving to the model. Johnny was very observant but those things were obvious.

“Thank you so much for coming, it was actually my pleasure to work with professional people like you and Ten.” Johnny praised the others, humble as he was and even scratched his neck before everything had been packed.  
It seemed that she waited for a moment for Ten to return but after checking the time it was clear that she had to rush a bit.

“I have to go now. Call me when you plan another of these shootings”

“Sure, will do.” Johnny promised and offered, “Do you need a ride? We could drive you to your next schedule?”

“Oh no no, that is alright. I have my own car two streets away from here. But..oh could you do me a favour.” She put out a card with her contacts and smiled sweetly “Could you give this card to Ten. You already have my details, but he does not. That would be great.” 

Johnny looked at the card. Yep - she was here only because of Ten. Who could blame her. The photographer smiled warmly and assured her to give the model her card and with this promise, she turned around and was leaving.  
  
He looked around for a moment and brushed his hair back, finally deciding to get off his wet pants and shirt as well and walked over to a bag he brought sooner that day to get his own things to change. Since he was alone in this room and he did not figure for Ten to be done that quickly, Johnny decided to change right there. 

Johnny had put on some new black jeans which had not been an easy task, since his skin was still a little damp after removing the wet one.

Once he managed however, he reached for a plain black T-Shirt, being clumsy as he was at times, it slipped through his fingers and fell down to the ground.

Johnny clicked with his tongue and picked it up again, only then noticing movement from the corner of his eyes and saw Ten standing at the door.

The model was wearing a white shirt and light blue jeans, an unusual look on him. That was what Johnny noticed first before actually realising the current situation when looking down at him being half dressed. 

  
“Ahhh sorry…“ Johnny quickly put the shirt on, in his urgency the wrong way so that the label was looking out at the front.

He knew it was a bad idea and he should have gotten to another room to change and here he was just lazy enough and now put both in an awkward situation.  
  
Hands again brushed long brown hair back, a clear sign of some soft of distress and Johnny explained with an apologetic expression,

„I thought I would be quicker than you… and I royally failed with that assumption.“ he thought of the next thing to say, anything might work to get out of this situation,  
He saw that Ten had bit his lip and was probably just as startled than the photographer about such a display. 

“Sorry,” Johnny heard Ten mumbling. Why did he apologize? He could never know that Johnny was changing right here. He was not to blame for anything.

“Come on, you couldn’t have known I am that lazy.” The photographer tried to sooth, leaning his arms against his hips, when he got an idea, 

“.. ahhh right…“ he hurried to the table, hearing Ten mumbling another apology, 

“I probably should have—“ But before the model could finish his sentenced Johnny returned and gave Ten the card of the stylist who had been all over the model really. Johnny smiled and allowed the other to have a look on what it was, before he explained,

„She wanted me to give you this.. Think, you had really impressed her and she wants to work more with you.“  
He could see Ten raising an eyebrow. Had this change of topic work? 

  
“Well, thank you, let her know she did a brilliant work today.”  
  


Ten again was so kindhearted, it was really helping the situation at least for Johnny because they exchanged a brief smile. 

“I already did on my behalf but when I am in touch with her again, I will pass it on.” 

She will clearly like to hear such praise from Ten, considering how much she tried to get the model’s attention. Johnny inhaled, finally feeling cool about the embarrassment so he was more himself again. 

He turned to the table to put his laptop back into the back when he got chatty,

“You know that she only agreed on working with me once hearing that you gonna be the model?” Johnny said casually and brushed his hair behind his ear.

“Really?” he heard Ten asking and was raising both his eyebrows. Was he really surprised to get praised like that?

Let’s find out. Johnny thought to himself and said with an honest beam on his face.  
“You both did a brilliant job, I can not express how much this really helped me on so many levels.”

Ten brushed it off quickly, “forget it, I was happy to do it,”. Again so polite, Johnny thought as he put the cameras away as well.

“Pft, forget about this? Surely not. I actually have no clue how to ever repay you properly.” He spoke in honest and still a smile on his lips from one ear to the other.

Johnny looked like an excited happy Kid with the label of his shirt sticking out in front and all.

When saying that he actually remembered a certain promise and suggested, “Let me start with the coffee at my favourite coffee shop hm? I will just finish packing.”

“Sounds brilliant,” he heard the other saying and was glad that Ten was up accompanying him.

“Five minutes, no longer” the photographer promised and hurried. 

He put the towels on a pile, swinging the bag over his shoulder and wrapping the jacket over his arm. Even so it was not exactly warm, the photographer was barely freezing or bothered by the cold.

Hazel eyes looked around, the head nodding as he explained, “Think, this is okay, I’ll do the rest tomorrow. My friend will only come back next week.”

Johnny gave Ten his jacket and led the other outside of the house.  
It had stopped raining and the air was fresh and with a large garden around the house, the two could smell the green of all the plants and trees around them.  
  
Johnny walked over to the car to put all his stuff in the back of the car, then he turned to Ten to open the door of the passenger seat for him,

“It’s a bit far from here so we better take the car. After you Mr. Ten.”

* * *

**TEN**

It only seemed a moment ago Ten had been in the swimming pool, altering between different poses in a pace that appeared to have slowed down time itself, a momentary break from reality; the density of the water making his movements heavier, more insistent—and then it was over.

Now they were seated in the car again. Ten’s hair was still damp, small droplets dripping down the slope of his nose every so often and even though his jacket was soft and the heater was on, it made him shiver. The drive to the coffee shop was quiet, it was as if the mood of the shoot had followed them inside the vehicle. It had been so serene, only the sound of water moving, the shutter going off when Suh had pressed it, light clicks of a wheel turning when the aperture was changed, a similar echo of heels on hard floor as a reminder that they weren’t alone—the stylist still existing as some kind of background noise.

It was effortless sometimes, for Ten to imagine himself getting to know the American. Johnny Suh was easy-going, someone who—for once—dared to pull about as many jokes as Ten did himself, yet he was somehow quirkier, funnier, _nicer_. Johnny Suh was a dork. He was endearing in that kind of way. But _friends_ had never come easy to Ten.

Ten had been alone before he met Lee Teayong, and once the two had accepted each other’s company they had been inseparable. But with that came the impending loneliness, perhaps _because_ it was just the two of them. At the time neither him nor Taeyong had seemed to care—they had each other, and that was all that mattered. After time Taeyong-hyung had been keen on making more friends. It had been easy when they had been forced to change schools when moving from high school to university. But Ten had never really started uni, not in the sense that Taeyong had. Ten was still occupied with modelling work, getting behind in class and having to retake exams and soon it was not a question of a few tests but a course, and one soon turned to two, and three, and on it went. Mostly Taeyong went out, more and more evenings went by when he didn’t come by Ten’s flat and Ten pretended that he didn’t care. Because it was easier to pretend than face the truth. In the end, Ten’s feelings didn’t matter. Taeyong-hyung lived his own life, and so did Ten.

They couldn’t have stayed just the two of them against the world forever.

“You should come with me next time,” Taeyong-hyung had said—he always did, and Ten’s reply was always the same.

“Yes,” Ten had said, “next time.”

It wasn’t that Ten locked himself in his room (sometimes he wished that he did, it was possibly the safer choice), instead he did the opposite. Ten, like Taeyong, spent more and more evenings out. Evenings soon turned obsidian, engulfing Ten in flickering lights that emphasised his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose as he turned around, dancing to the music, bodies pressed around him, beating out of sync until the hint of light streamed through the clouds again. A whisper of a new beginning. On repeat like the songs playing through the speakers, again, and again. It was easier meeting people Ten didn’t know, people he’d never see again, whose faces and names he didn’t have to remember. It was just like work.

Come and go. Leave people breathless, craving more, and then disappear when it was at its best. By doing so Ten got all of the good things: the attention, longing stares and laughter without any demolishing consequences.

The city passed by outside the car window. Dusk turning darker, black embracing them from all sides and so similar to the dark that Ten preferred, with only city lights keeping them warm—accompanied by the lights from the car that kept track of their direction.

Ten had always had a clear sense of direction. He was ambitious, always had been—but modelling wasn’t his future. It was now, present tense and Ten didn’t know what would come next. Beauty came and went, youth didn’t stay, and even though Ten was young—he wasn’t young in the modelling industry anymore. It was a question of (_when_, not _if_) when the moment would come and someone else would steal the light away, direct it forward, away from Ten and on them instead. Ten wondered what would await him then. Dancing rarely brought him that much money. He liked to sing, write on his own songs before going to bed, but what could that bring him? A career in singer-songwriting didn’t seem attainable. But then, neither had modelling when his friend had first suggested it. Ten liked art, but being an artist was difficult—he could tell by the way he saw Taeyong-hyung struggle already, and Taeyong had only just begun. It scared Ten, not knowing in what direction he was heading. He wanted the control, needed it, yet in his line of work he was forced to put that away for someone else to decide whether or not Ten was still attractive enough to sell. It worried him. That he didn’t know what would pay his rent when this was all over. Taeyong-hyung couldn’t afford paying for him, nor would Ten let him even if he had the resources—and going back to Thailand was out of question.

“Here we are,” Johnny Suh said and Ten was content with leaving his current train of thought to the present again.

After all, they only existed in the moment anyway.

Ten followed Suh inside the coffee shop. The design was modern, industrial in style. Dark wooden tables, chairs and metal wires. It was clear that the place was popular in the way that even though it was pretty late the café was packed with people. Ten tried to look for an empty table. It was difficult since most of the free ones were for one person only.  
It didn’t take too long until Ten spotted a place at the far corner. Ten turned back to Suh, only to find him waving at someone. Ten’s eyes shifted quickly in the direction of Suh’s attention (_someone at the queue, or someone working at the coffee shop?_ It was hard to tell), and then Suh was looking at Ten again. Ten arched an eyebrow and gestured towards the still empty spot he’d found, prolonging his and Suh’s silence for a bit longer, letting the soft volume of the music inside the coffee shop be a kind company by their side instead.

Ten took off his black jacket and placed it at the seat close to the wall. Ten liked to face a crowd, by doing so he’d be able to keep track of everyone. It made him a little bit calmer. There were still a few things Ten could have control over, this was just one of those things. Ten hoped Suh wouldn’t mind taking the chair opposite him.

“Here, sit down. I’ll go and order. What do you want?” Ten asked, weight already on his heel, prepared to turn before Suh insisted he’d pay instead like he had before, “if you say anything less than a drink _and_ something to eat; dessert or food of any kind, whatever you like—I’ll leave,” Ten threatened teasingly.

Johnny Suh only chuckled, seemingly amused as he sat down on the chair obviously intended for him.

“Very well then, how could I possibly protest?” Suh replied, giving the menu a quick look-over before continuing,

“Americano, and something sweet of your choice—surprise me.”

Ten winked before he went towards the queue in front of the counter.

There had been a lot to choose from. The café didn’t only offer some of the most famous western desserts but also some of Korea’s most traditional ones. When Ten came back he was carrying a tray filled with several things that only just managed to fit together. Ten knew he might have gone a bit overboard, but he hoped Johnny wouldn’t mind. On the tray was one chocolate cake with a fancy pattern on top, a slice of strawberry cheesecake and two small macaroons, one in chocolate flavour and another one being salted caramel, along with two large Americanos. Ten could easily have picked everything in chocolate flavour, but some people really despised the taste—could even be allergic, and if Ten was honest, he didn’t know what would be the case with Suh. Therefore, the strawberry cheesecake. Well, if Suh truly hated something here he would have warned Ten—wouldn’t he? _Who in their right mind lets someone else pick their desserts if they’re too picky themselves?_ And anyway, the man was an American. He simply had to like one of these at least.

“Well, American boy,” Ten said teasingly as he placed the tray in the middle, trying to fit it together with the small succulents that decorated the table, “Since I don’t really know what you like, I hope I got you at least something that can please your taste buds.”

Ten shuffled to fit in between the table and the wall, looking at Suh who just then pocketed his phone.

“You can take whatever you want—or we could share, however you like,” Ten continued, scratching the back of his head.  
_Perhaps that had came out a bit?_ Ah, Ten just hoped Suh wouldn’t get weirded out by his offer.

Suh didn’t seem to mind, his mind instead seemingly set on the plates in front of him as he straightened his back looking at the selection.

“You certainly surprised me with this,” Suh commented.

Ten noted that Suh picked his Americano first.

“You know that this was a test?” Suh continued, a grin taking over him.

It made him seem even younger, and Ten caught himself wondering how old Johnny Suh was. Was he older or younger than Ten himself?

“I was curious about what you would like here, and I figured that you would get something that you most certainly would have eaten that I myself wouldn’t like… so you actually do like all of these, noted,” Suh said, eyes still on the cakes in front of him and Ten smiled, allowing Suh to finish, “Let’s share, everything looks so good and I’ve not eaten anything since this morning. I am starving,” Suh took the plate with the cheesecake, suddenly beaming as if it was his lucky day,

“Thank you for getting all of this.”

Ten watched with amusement as the other took his first try of the cake and rolled his eyes, clearly exaggerating, “Oh… this one is so good. It has the same taste as the one my mom makes… I swear…” Suh trailed off, praising the cake in front of him, approval written all over his face, “Well technically it _is_ her recipe—since this place belongs to my friend and he asked me for the best strawberry cheesecake,” Suh chuckled when he revealed the last bit of information and suddenly Ten understood why he’d caught Suh waving when they had first entered the café: probably knowing some of the workers at the coffee shop.

“Really?” Ten finally replied, reaching with his spoon for the chocolate cake.  
After he’d chewed and swallowed he said: “Wow… that’s—“ Ten began, not knowing how to best finish.  
Ten feared a pink tint was colouring his cheeks as he tried to choose his next words with care. He really didn’t know how to put it.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Ten allowed, “But… actually, I don’t really like berries, or… fruit… but I figured, you might?” Ten tried, feeling as though he was stumbling on his own words—which might have been the first time he did that talking to Suh.

That was by no means an exaggeration. Ten didn’t eat fruit at all. Not since he had been given an apple at a young age and in a very unfunny way had almost choked on it. Ten still didn’t know if it was an actual allergy or if that had been his kick-starter to a phobia. It didn’t matter anyway, Ten simply didn’t eat fruit. It was easy enough to avoid.

Feeling bad, Ten hurriedly added: “But now I guess I really have to try it, if it’s that good?”  
If it truly was a recipe Suh’s mother had made Ten really did have to try didn’t he? It would be impolite if he didn’t, surely—and Ten wasn’t known for being impolite.

A low churning in his stomach made Ten aware of the nerves triggered by considering eating the berries and Ten laughed lightly as he looked at Suh, trying to hide the emotions within him by following up with his trademark smirk.

Ten quickly took a small spoon of the cheesecake before he could change his mind, however making sure to not get any of the strawberries or the icing and hoping that the other wouldn’t notice. Ten quickly asked, trying to avert Suh’s attention: “How come you know everyone?” raising one eyebrow as he thought about Suh apparently even knowing the owner of the very coffee shop they were seated in.

Ten could easily identify the look of surprise on Suh’s face upon hearing his opinion on fruit, but the question Ten had asked seemed to have worked in making it difficult for Suh to let the questions clearly wanting to roll off his tongue out in the open.

“It is truly worth a try,” Suh said instead, taking another bite of the cheesecake (strawberries and all) and chuckled, “That is because so far I have showed you my life only: the exhibition was done by my best friend—we met in the area I am living; I arranged the photoshoot at my friend’s house—we are going to the same friend’s coffee shop. I am way too unknown and invisible to know everyone,” by the end of his explanation Ten saw that Suh had picked away all of the strawberries and having placed them instead beside the cake (_unusually considerate_, Ten noted, a small smile forcing itself through).

“It really is very good,” Ten assured before continuing, “well, I’ll look forward to the day when everyone knows Johnny Suh.”

Suh’s reaction wasn’t exactly what Ten had expected.

The other exhaled through his nose, a soft chuckle following.

“That sounds kind of scary. I rather prefer to be known by the people I want to know,” hazel eyes met Ten’s dark ones, “I just want to stand on my own feet, don’t want to turn any coin at the end of the month and hang out with people who like me more for my name than who I truly am.”

Ten tilted his head slightly.

“That’s a… beautiful way of seeing things,” Ten tried.

Because it was true. It was a beautiful way of seeing things. But Suh’s words also described the very opposite to how Ten was living his life. He was Ten, just a model, only three letters on someone’s paper before they dressed him in expensive fabrics. _Ten_ was desirable but also completely disposable. He would have come and gone and no one would have noticed his absence, already being filled by someone better, more attractive, more unique. _Being known for who he truly was?_ Was that even possible?

Ten became vaguely aware that his eyes had fixated on nowhere in particular, the buzz of a busy café a constant reminder of time passing, things continuing whether they cared for Ten or not. Everyone cared about Ten for the moment, but who cared for him—for _Chittaphon_.

It came as a shock when Ten became aware of the light touch on his shoulder. He almost jumped at the sudden touch, finally registering that it was Suh’s fingers patting him and Ten’s eyes shifted to Suh’s face, a gentle smile on his lips.

“I might be wrong with what your eyes are telling me, but regardless I want you to know that… I like you as a person a lot, although… I don’t even know your real name,” and Johnny Suh smiled warmly, as if he had heard Ten’s own thoughts, yet his words making it clear that he hadn’t.

_If you had, you wouldn’t be asking_, Ten thought wistfully, putting his own hand over Suh’s to make sure the other didn’t think the sentiment wasn’t appreciated.

Johnny Suh’s fingers were as warm as the smile insistent on his face, compared to Ten’s own freezing fingers—and heart.

“Thank you, not many people do,” Ten said, allowing another truth to roll off his tongue, not sure if the answer was to his name or him as a person, regardless Ten replied with a small smile even though he couldn’t really feel it reaching his eyes, “you don’t really know me,” Ten settled on, guessing it answered both.

Ten looked down, letting his hand drop from Johnny’s as his eyes did the same, this time resting on all the cakes they still hadn’t eaten.

Ten considered if he could jump into another joke, play pretend for a bit longer and keep reality from interrupting.

“Well… we have coffee, delicious cakes, and some time to pass. Why don’t you change that, hm?” 

Ten’s smile slowly turned into a smirk. It was odd, how this Johnny Suh seemed to get him better than his agency did. It teased Ten into thinking he really could—get to know _Johnny Suh_. Ten could almost hear Taeyong-hyung’s voice telling him: _Can it really be so bad to try?_

“I guess that is a start,” Ten allowed, reaching for the chocolate cake, lifting his eyes to focus on the man in front of him as he licked the spoon clean, “We could play a game,” Ten continued, still looking up at Johnny through dark lashes.

Ten knew exactly what he looked like: a creature waiting on its prey.

“We assume something about the other, and if it’s true, one gets to take another bite of cake,” Ten smiled, knowing full well the game was usually played when drinking, and for the moment Ten didn’t care what that might say about him—nothing, hopefully.

After all, drinking games were normal. Easy. Safe.

“If you dare,” Ten winked.

Johnny Suh raised a beautiful eyebrow at Ten, and Ten saw the moment Suh realised his hand had been left resting on Ten’s shoulder for all that time, only now withdrawing and instead picking up his coffee cup—_or perhaps it was on purpose?_ The lad was straight, had told Ten so before, but sometimes his teasing was difficult to read.

“Are you kidding, of course I’m game. Want me to try first?” Suh smiled, sipping at his Americano as he struck an exaggerated pose, clearly made to make him appear philosophical, _thinking_ and Ten couldn’t help but think that he’d seen a similar pose before. _A sculpture, maybe?_

“This is quite a random start,” Suh began from his pose, “But from what I witnessed so far, I guess that you can actually eat anything—and as much as you like, you do not gain weight.”

Ten raised a mirroring eyebrow.

“Am I supposed to eat?” Ten said.

_You’re so full of rubbish_, Ten thought, chuckling lightly at the silly boy in front of him. It earned him another grin in reply.

“Well,” Suh said, “When it’s a drinking game it’s kind of a punishment to be forced to drink because the other exposed you—but in this case with such delicious cakes on our plates, it’s more of a treat. So when I was right, it’s my piece. Ah—” Suh opened his mouth, clearly certain about his assumption.

“Not sure if that one counts, but sure, go on,” Ten said, unable to contain the smile on his lips, “my turn,” he continued, “you, in contrast to me, love fruit.”

Suh clicked his tongue.

“Actually…” the hazel eyed boy started, dragging out the word as he reached for one of the macaroons and for a moment Ten wondered if his assumption had been too generalised, but then instead of taking it himself, Suh extended his arm further and offered it to Ten.

“No fruit, no life,” Johnny Suh said simply, “You can convince me to almost anything for a slice of watermelon.”

“How am I supposed to accept your company now?”

Ten shook his head in faked disappointment before he looked at Suh again.

“But I knew it,” Ten said as he tried to keep eye contact with Suh as he—instead of taking the offered macaroon, leaned forward and took the smallest bite he could off it from the other boy’s hand.

Ten leaned back, smirk on his lips as he noted the light tint on the other’s cheeks. It didn’t take long before Suh broke their eye contact and Ten watched as the lad took a rather large gulp of coffee.

“Well, you may accept my company because of _just_ that. I can save you from all the fruits in the world by eating them.“

“Deal,” Ten replied, amused to see the other searching for a way to compose himself, clearly affected by the way Ten had eaten from his hand. 

_He might not be gay_, Ten thought, _but he’s still human_.

Suh mentioned that it was his turn again, but the next comment made Ten freeze. It rang too true, and was something Ten wouldn’t have thought the photographer would have picked up on.

“You and Taeyong _are_ more than _just_ business partners, right? I didn’t see you two interact for that long, but I felt like you two share a strong bond.“

Ten leaned back against the wall, he was quiet for a few seconds before replying.

“Well observed, Johnny Suh, most don’t see that.”

“Ah, I am not like ‘most’” came Suh’s reply, looking proud of his guess proving correct.

Ten’s eyes didn’t leave the macaroon in Suh’s hand as Suh smiled and took a bite from the very same sweet he had offered Ten only a moment earlier.

"Woah,” Suh looked at the macaroon as he lightly squished it between his fingers, looking absolutely mesmerised by the taste (but didn’t eat the rest of it).

Ten noted how the filling pressed out at Suh’s touch. Disgusting, and yet impossibly hypothesising.

“Mm, by the way…” Suh shifted his position as he reached for a pile of magazines beside them, eyes apparently focused on one in particular.

"Look at this,” he continued and Ten could only watch on as Suh seemed to confidently open the magazine in his hands, certain in what he was looking for.  
It was easy for Ten to identify the picture in front of Suh even though it was turned upside down at the moment. It was a picture of Ten.

“You know… I believe my friend Yoonoh will most certainly give your friend a call soon enough. He was impressed by the shot and is actually scouting young artists. It appeared he was very curious. Just a heads up,” Suh left the magazine open as he calmly continued, “Your turn.”

It almost came as a shock. _How?_ was the first question that formed in Ten’s head. But then, he already knew that Taeyong-hyung had got featured in a smaller magazine. Those weren’t news per se. It was rather that Ten was staring at himself—and it wasn’t like Ten hadn’t seen pictures of himself before, nor that he wasn’t used to the reflection of himself. Sure enough, he did every time he checked the mirror—and that was most days. But this, seeing the photograph that Taeyong-hyung had taken let Ten see himself through someone else’s eyes. It was a peculiar feeling.

_Is this what I look like to them?_ Ten thought. He did look good, the angle made the bridge of his nose soft and sharp at the same time, shadows pleasant on his thin top lip, light catching onto the curve of his jaw, chin. It wasn’t unpleasant, but it made Ten uneasy.

Ten was used to being photographed, he was used to perform, used to even record himself when he practised dancing; to better himself, see the millisecond that started a mistake, to be able to improve faster and learn from his failings. But there was a reason why Ten never looked at photographs of himself. He didn’t buy the magazines that featured him, he didn’t save those he was sent either. Leaving the work for his portfolio to his agency.

It was uncomplicated. Ten came in, performed, and left without having to look himself in the eyes, seeing what everyone else saw. Seeing _Ten_.

Ten caught himself turning quiet and quickly commented: “That’s quite an opportunity,” because he was _happy_ for Taeyong-hyung, “he’s very talented,” because it was _true_.

He then looked back at Suh with a smile on his face.

It was easier that way.

“You sing in the shower,” Ten said, eyes intent on Johnny Suh.

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Johnny looked surprised at Ten’s quiet random guess, eyebrows rising as he wondered if the other just trusted his luck with such an assumption, or if he actually had an observant nature just like him? So random, so blunt - Johnny loved it. 

“Woah… How did I give that away?” 

“Intuition,” was Ten’s answer and he also added with a broad smile on his face, “you seem the type,”

The photographer shook his head in disbelief and reached for one of the delicious macaroons.  
_They looked so delicious_

A sigh escaped his lips when he looked at it for a moment and saying with quiet a dramatic act,

“Good bye, my sweet darling.”

After a moment of hesitation as if he struggled to let go, he finally offered the piece to Ten who immediately started to laugh. This was just what Johnny intended and why he was fooling around like that. He was known for his famous acts among his friends, once feeling comfortable with someone, Johnny would go overboard on some aspects - fully aware and on purpose.

This act was just so silly, but if anyone would ask Yoonoh about it, he would say that this is the real Johnny Suh.  
Yet, the model did not accept the photographer’s macaroon with his hand, instead leaning forward to take the one with chocolate flavour while saying, “Don’t worry, marry her if you want to”  
  
The photographer just loved to be carefree, funny, and entertaining to others. So when Johnny watched Ten having a small bite of the other macaroon just like he did before this round, he decided to continue his act just for the giggles.

“Awwww," he placed his free hand over his heart and spoke to the macaroon with a soft expression like in a good k-drama, “Have you heard that, honey? We got green light for our love from no one less than Ten - the number. We can unit now, after all this time. Let my love consume you.”

He held the macaroon close to his ear and nodded, as if he was listening to it, “Ah I love you too. She is the sweetest, literally.”  
  
Ten laughed more at Johnny’s act, commenting with cheer in his voice, “Is the trip to your stomach the honeymoon?”

“The best honeymoon of her lifetime" the photographer responded before he finally decided to drop it all and ate the entire piece, humming in approval when the rich flavour kicked in. 

  
It got quiet for a moment as both enjoyed the sweetness. Johnny swallowed his and meant to add to what had been said before,

"Good Intuition, by the way. I am actually not a bad singer according to Yoonoh. We two went out a lot during our teenage years and enjoyed embarrassing each other with karaoke.”

Ah, the good old times. Johnny held very fond memories about his teenage age, especially when he somehow managed to hang out with the always busy and travelling Yoonoh. They made the little time they had worth it, laughed a lot, fooled around a lot, getting scolded a lot.

Not that any of that changed at all during the years passing. Perhaps just the scolding had stopped because they were now responsible for them selves alone.

To not drift off too far, Johnny said, “Mhh I assume, it is my turn again.”

He looked at Ten closely, eyes narrowing and then pointing at the other,

“You are a cat person”, watching how the smile on Ten’s face growing again and hearing the other complaining: “You’re too good at this! What gives it away?” 

Johnny had to giggle because this just had been quiet a random claim just like Ten did before with the shower.

Perfect Payback. 

And the fact that Ten said the very same thing in response was funny to the photographer. 

“He he he, you actually…uhm”

_How should he put this?_ He thought about his words for a moment and then hummed, “Uhm.. well.. you do have some cat-like features, like yours sharp eyes or the way you move in front of the camera. It reminded me a couple of times of a panther. Do you have a cat at home?”

“Is that your next assumption?” the model said, eyes teasing until he replied anyway, “Unfortunately, no. I’ve always wanted one though.”  
  
That was too bad.  
Johnny loved cats, especially ever since he lived with one for a couple of months and right then it made him miss the little furball immensely.

He thought of having a cat on his own, but was way too busy to be a good owner in his opinion. Johnny was travelling a lot, sometimes spending nights in hotels or at friend’s places - with a cat waiting at home, it would always make him feel bad for being away. Johnny loved his freedom way too much at this point. But maybe one day he will change his mind. 

His thoughts about cats were interrupted by Ten’s, “I think you had your treat for being right this time,” the model even gesturing with his hand vaguely towards Johnny’s stomach and faking a half disgusted face. Johnny looked down on him, his stomach in particular and rubbed it with an offensive expression on his face, another act was about to start,

„But that’s my Darling‘s home now.. how can you say such a thing. Don‘t listen to him baby, your place is lovely and cosy and juuuust right.“ Johnny clicked with his tongue and leaned forward. “Yes, my firetooth, he is a meany.” 

  
After just receiving a proud grin from the model, the next guess was made by Ten, “So, my turn. You do photography but you’ve always dreamed of working in the music industry?” Ten tilted his head slightly, trying to see if he got that one right or not. 

„Oh interesting thought…“ Johnny said firstly and brushed his hair back.

He had been caught again and this was getting impressive, really. He underestimated Ten there, wondering how he could get to such correct conclusion after such a short time knowing him. The only answer for that was, that the model truly paid attention to him, not just nodding and keeping the conversation alive at any cost.  
This was a nice feeling and made the photographer appreciate Ten’s company more and more. 

„That‘s partially correct. I did a few jobs here and there before deciding to make my hobby to my job as well. I worked as a DJ, and produced a few remixes, and I’m actually playing piano, so this was a close enough call of yours.”

He sighed and looked at his fingers thoughtfully, “But that dream was too far away from reality to seriously think about it. Plus - I hate dependency that you agree on the moment you sign with labels. No thank you.“ 

“Hm,” Ten hummed in reply, and Johnny gave an assuring smile. “It’s good. I am happy with my decisions.” Not that it was needed to add, it was obvious how much he loved photography. But Johnny did not want for Ten to feel bad about his questions and he noticed how the other became more quiet as Johnny leaned forward, a new round ahead, waiting for his next assumption.

„You have at least one thing that you gather for a hobby, like uh… having a collection of hats, jackets or maybe super boring coins? He laughed at the last part that was obviously just another joke of his. 

Ten letting a small smile teasingly hint towards a reply.

Johnny rose his eyebrows again when the model was quiet for a bit longer, before he also dropped the act suddenly, going quickly for a small spoon of chocolate cake.

He licked the spoon clean for emphasis, eyes intent on Johnny, letting his actions be his answer.

“No way.” Johnny said in protest as the other took his cake, the photographer pouting even a hint of disappointment, “From all the things I suggested tonight, I was certain that this was a safe one. Tch.” 

However, he chuckled then and pointed out next, “Well, you are obviously very aware of the effect you can have on people and play with that quite a lot. So I can at least assume that you collect broken hearts a lot.”

That changed Ten’s expression directly, he gaped at Johnny in exaggeration, a whole new face that the photographer was now able to see.

“I’m aghast!” Ten exclaimed, loud but not too loud considering they weren’t alone, “You say your assumption of me is that I break hearts on purpose?” 

Johnny watched Ten clicking his tongue and shook his head disapprovingly, he then looked up at Johnny again, a sigh of emphasis on his lips, “What kind of person do you take me for?”

Johnny just grinned like a dork when Ten gave him a scene about his claim.

What kind of person Ten was? That was a good question. Johnny slowly started to have a clearer picture about the model, but still.. There was much to learn and Johnny was looking forward to get to know him, maybe they could actually become friends, considering that it felt like they had a chemistry.

But for now Johnny tilted his head when saying: „I will give you an honest answer when I know you better.“ 

Hazel eyes looked up again to meet the model’s then.  
Was he pouting? Could Be. Cute.

Before he feld urged to ask or anything, Ten quickly moved on by gesturing with his hand, “Anyway, it’s my turn—and that, whatever that was doesn’t count."  
  
So sappy. It made Johnny chuckle before he reached for his mug and finishing his Americano, complaining to the model,  
“Ah the last sip would have been great with a little piece of sweetness. But you are right. No treat for Johnny this round” He sniffed with his nose as if he was sobbing over it. 

Act No. 3, check.  
  
Ten did not jump on this one and rather cleared his throat for another question, raising his eyebrows, “So… you liked the stylist?” 

Johnny tilted his head surprised at the next claim, again this one was coming out of the blue. 

„You know that this was one thing I wanted to figure out tonight about you.“

It was really true that he wanted to ask about the stylist. After all she was very ambitious to get the model’s attention and approval for everything she was doing. Johnny also knew that she only accepted the job because she heard Ten being the model. One would be blind to not see her motives at this point.

„She was cute, and had really pretty eyes. But those were all on you.

Johnny took a piece of the remaining cake and ate it with a satisfied hum. After he chewed and swallowed, he added, “Plus I’ve learnt the hard way that it is always better to know someone first before going in any direction that causes you emotional distress or heartbreaks.” 

It was clear in the way he said it and looking at the empty mug in front of him, that this was pointed at his latest relationship that ended so sudden and without warning to the photographer. After a moment of silence, Johnny noticed how Ten was licking his lips, looking slightly nervous. He might worry that he had overstepped a line he shouldn’t. The photographer sensed it when the model’s eyes were flicking slightly from the cup to Johnny’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Ten said quietly, “I shouldn’t have asked.”  
  
Bingo. Just as Johnny had assumed, so he quickly assured, „Ah don‘t be sorry. You can ask anything you want, except about my grades during highschool," hopefully this would be lighten the atmosphere. It appeared it was not that much of a bummer, since Ten moved on: "Anyway,” and actually taking another bite of cake, eyes again focused on Johnny, not breaking eye contact. 

_How captivating he could be when he wanted… _Johnny thought and clicked with his tongue another time because Ten was enjoying the cake and it meant that he was also not interested in the stylist.  
Fair enough. 

  
Johnny sighed as he looked at the remaining cake on the plate and he randomly said „You are younger than me.“ 

“And here I was thinking you’d already had your turn,” Ten arched an eyebrow, most likely to emphasise the previous assumption Johnny had seemingly forgotten about. He hadn’t and showed a grin for disregarding certain rules.

The smile must have worked because Ten then added, “but I’ll let you off that one…” rather looking at the photographer suspiciously as he thought about the answer, “How am I to know?” Ten then laughed and added, “I don’t even know how old you are?” the last part sounded like a question and it made Johnny grin even more. 

“What a fair point, I had never told you.. Hmmm. Maybe you should ask?”

He did not even know why he was so sure that he was older, he assumed that their gap in age was not too much at least and the rest was just a feeling. At this point he finally decided to give his age away,

“I’ve turned 24 in February 9th. How about you?”

“Another water sign, huh?” Ten said with another smirk was visible on the model’s lips,

“How old do you think I am?”

Careful. A trap. Johnny thought. Whenever someone was asking for their age it was actually hard to tell. Kids nowadays looked much older, and there was also the possibility of offending the other when assuming the wrong age.  
  
Cautious about that, he warned himself thoughtfully, 

“Hm. That’s actually hard because back at the exhibition… I could have sworn that you looked older than me. Not in a bad way.. Just a feeling. But seeing you without all the makeup today made you younger in my eyes again. Well, since you will beat me to an answer Hm… I will go with 21 - 23. “

”Really?” Ten seemed amused by that as he was leaning his elbows on the table and resting his chin in his hands, 

“Well guessed, I guess?” Ten laughed, “I’m 23.”

Johnny clapped on the table. “I knew it…. hehehehe” He seemed so pleased by that and took quite a big piece of chocolate cake on his fork, the plates were soon empty for sure

“You better call me hyung from now oooon”. 

Actually, the photographer never cared much about titles and all. Coming from the US, it was not common there and Johnny only picked it up again when he was spending time in South Korea. But of course he still wanted to tease Ten for being younger at least one time.

He saw Ten pouting, withdrawing his arms from the table and crossing them over his chest instead, until he cracked the act and blurted, in a rather high pitched sound: 

“Hyung!!!” 

Johnny laughed at that scene and how Ten had dragged out the word in such a funny way. Yet he waved and explained quickly, "Ah I never cared much about being called Hyung, but the way you just said….hm… it makes me reconsider.“ 

“Noted,” Ten replied, as he sipped at his last drops of Americano while Johnny focused on the cake on his fork, eating it with another hum on his lips, although he was already feeling stuffed and would not get much more into his system without regretting this. 

This piece had quite a lot of chocolate in it and Johnny also regretted just then to have finished the Americano. He really felt the thirst and weird feeling in his mouth from all the sweet cream and chocolate. And since Ten just had finished his coffee as well, he swallowed with a little effort and asking, "You want something else to drink? Water? Or a Tea? Or another Americano?" 

But Ten shook his head quickly, a small smile still in place, “I’m good. Thanks though. I could get you something, if you want?”

Johnny declined that one quickly. This time around he would not allow for the other to pay. First with Yoonoh at the restaurant, then this time with Ten who brought all this delicious cake and desserts. 

"Na na, you already spoiled me today. Let me just grab a bottle of water." 

He almost jogged to the counter, to assure that Ten would not insist like he was used to with his best friend every time, but also because he had too much sugar in his system and was radiating with energy. 

“Heeey” Johnny greeted his friend Yuta who was a barista part-time. Yuta was Japanese and actually working as a dancer here in South Korea. At the moment he only got some jobs as background dancer for idol groups, so he had the job here at the coffee shop for some extra coins.

Johnny and Yuta were not particularly close, but close enough to have a vivid banter about everything and more, when both were in a good mood for it.

Today was one of those days and the Japanese greeting him with a bright healing smile, “Johnny-hyung” - again with the title..  
But the Japanese was very polite at times and Johnny appreciated it. . 

“Who is the good looking lad at your table, huh?” Yuta pointed at the model and Johnny smiled once Ten caught their attention, waving back at them..

“That’s Ten, the model from that magazine, remember?” Johnny explained

“Riiight yes.. I almost did not recognize him because he is not wearing make up right? Still a looker, I must say. I like his nose.”

As far as Johnny knew, Yuta was interested in women and men equally, his carefree nature making him look flirtatious and playful at times.

The photographer immediately got the vibe here with Ten as well. No surprise. 

“Well, that is part of his job. But Ten is truly gifted in that area.” 

“So formal.” Yuta chuckled amused but then getting back to his job, 

“What can I get you my friend?”

“Just a bottle of water please, we surely had enough sweets tonight” 

He chuckled as if he had to say that to have an apology, although it wasn’t necessary. 

Yuta went to the fridge and got his friend the water, who paid quickly and then returned to the table, not mentioning his small banter with his friend. 

"Yo… missed me?" 

He noticed to have forgotten a glass for the water and kind of felt too lazy to get back to the counter, so he shrugged and actually took a sip from the bottle. After all, Ten had said that he was good and did not want anything, so this was not rude, right? 

“Hm,” Ten hummed in reply to Johnny’s ‘missed me’, “you’re hard to miss,” he said, smirk in place as he gave Johnny a clear look-over. 

Once the thirst from the creamy cake was satisfied, Johnny sighed in relief and finally switched his attention back to the model.

"I believe it would be your next turn.. not much of the cake left buuuut we are optimists right?”

“Sure,” Ten commented, chuckling as he looked at the sad remains of cake, it was true, not much was left, perhaps only enough for one or two more assumptions.

“You’ve never guessed that I speak English,” Ten said, making this his first time changing to using English with the American even though he could have done so much earlier on.

Johnny had just focused on his water when Ten suddenly switched to English. He almost choke in surprise and admit in english tongue himself then „I thought you might know English yes but that well - unlikely. Besides there is actually much more I want to guess but the cake…“ he sighed sadly at the last two pieces.

„Hey you want another one.“ 

A voice interrupted their conversation suddenly and both looked to the barista from the counter who was glancing over as he had cleaned a table close to theirs

„That one will be on the house, we are closing soon and it would be a shame for the delicious cake, right?“ the barista said and showing again a radiant smile. It was kind of a signature feature of the man, Johnny had noticed it many times before. The photographer then saw Yuta and Ten exchanging eye contact and almost forgot his role of knowing both parties, „Ahh, Yuta.. come over real quick. Let me introduce you.” Once the other male approached their table, Johnny said 

“Yuta,.. this is Ten… Ten, Yuta“ The barista beamed and made a polite bow with his head, his long hair falling into his face that he quickly fixed once getting his head up again,

„Nice to finally meet you Ten, how is it going?“

“Hi,” Ten replied shortly and Johnny looked over to the model since his voice sounded a little reserved. Ten was actually glancing down at the pieces left of cake, then turned his attention to Yuta, “Yuta, Uh…”  
  
_Hm, Something was off._  
  
The photographer noticed that Ten’s mood as well as expression had changed. He even trailed off to reach for his phone,  
“I— I’m truly sorry, but I really must be going. I had completely forgotten about the time,Lovely meeting you, Yuta” he beamed as he shuffled out of the cramped space between the wall and the table to get out. 

„What?“ Johnny frowned and seemed really shocked because he had not expected this change of events. 

Even Yuta tried to convince the model at this point, „Ah come on.. a few more minutes huh? I can make you an Americano on the house instead of the cake. Mh? How does that sound?“ 

Ten smiled at Yuta, eyes still not having gone back to meet Johnny’s again.

“Thank you for offering,” he said and added with an apologetic smile, 

“Trust me, I am sorry. I have an important meeting scheduled in only about an hour and I can’t miss it. I’m sure there’ll be enough time to talk another time, really, thank you,”   
  
Johnny watched Ten reaching back towards his seat to pick up his jacket, only once he’d already put it on did he look back in the direction of the photographer.

Johnny did not want for the model to leave like that, they had such a good time? Right? But neither did he want for him to feel pressured to stay, especially for him. Ten was so polite all the time, he wouldn’t be surprised.  
  
So he declined Yuta’s offer for coffee.  
„Appreciated, but it’s fine. If he wanted to leave.“ 

The photographer made it sound like a question, hazel eyes fixed on the model who seemed to avoid looking at him.  
  
What.. was going on?  
  
This moment felt like an eternity but nonetheless, the photographer did not understand.

Had he offended Ten? Was one of his jokes too much? Was he too childish at one point with his acts? 

While the oldest of the trio was still lost in his thoughts, it was Yuta who reacted next and clicking with his tongue, announcing: „I… might go back.“ and was doing just that, leaving the two alone at the table. 

  
It was hard to find thing to say, but Johnny managed, "You want me to drive you home?“

“That won’t be necessary,” Ten said quietly and finally shifting to meet Johnny’s searching eyes, “I’m sorry about leaving so suddenly,” Ten’s voice sounded so low, it left Johnny alarmed, “Thank you—for today. I’ve enjoyed it a lot. It’s been lovely talking to you, Johnny Suh,” 

A last smile was seen on the model’s bare face, eye contact broken once again as Johnny watched him closing his jacket and walking quickly toward the door. 

„Uh… have I done something?“ Yuta had returned to Johnny once Ten was outside.

The photographer was still looking at the door, trying to recall what he could have done wrong, looking for the mistake on his side rather than Yuta‘s and assuring the barista,

„Na, surely not you. Don‘t worry.“ 

„Too Bad tho… man he is a looker“ Johnny‘s friend sighed but then turned back to clean the tables. The shop was closing soon enough and there was still much to do. 

That reminded Johnny of his task ahead. With the model gone, he had not much else to do here anymore, feeling bummed and irritated in a way.

Ten will have his reasons and even so it felt like an excuse, he might have an appointment for real. Who knew that better than himself anyhow. And who was Johnny to actually question that?

It was still startling however, considering how much both had enjoyed the day together or at least Johnny thought it was fun. Still… It felt like Ten just had fled, as if he could not wait to be away from him.

_Why. Just why?_  
  
There was no answer to that. Even with the game he still did not know what the other was thinking, what was on his mind and if actually liked the day at all. 

Johnny, who still held the bottle in his palm, sighed, brushing his hair back before deciding to leave as well. He said his goodbyes to Yuta who just had closed the coffee shop for other guests, suddenly not feeling like chatting a lot with anybody. Yuta understood and just gave that usual warm bright smile of his.

Johnny appreciated it and left, hearing how the barista locked the door behind him again and then was walking over to the car. Since he could not help the situation it was best to distract himself. And what else could be better than editing his work today.   
  
He deeply hoped that Ten was alright and planned that he would contact the model the next day. 

Had he done something wrong?  
Was Ten upset?  
These questions were still bothering him through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who have already left kudos–and even bookmarks! Thank you for reading, we'd love to hear from you if you have any time to spare us! Stay with us through the angst for next chapter!  
Additional characters: Jung Jaehyun, Nakamoto Yuta are written by Caledra. Lee Taeyong is written by dracospungen.  
We do not own the photographs included in this chapter. Source: [Ten](https://www.instagram.com/p/B364TfEF4eF)


	4. Colder Days

**TEN**

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. It was difficult to keep up to beat, and usually it wasn’t, but Ten knew he was being pushed further than he’d ever taken it before. One, two, three, four—change, five, six—turn, seven, eight—arch, down.

“You can do better!” Lee Taemin could be harsh—but he wasn’t wrong, Ten knew as much.

There was a performance at stake, and Taemin had promised that Ten could perform on the stage Lee Taemin himself usually performed on. It was located in a place that knew dance, which audience would appreciate the practised moves, could read the emotions put into it.

That was why it was more important than ever to do better. Especially since Ten was still set on being a dancer, and quite frankly he wouldn’t be one if he didn’t actually do any performances.

It wasn’t very difficult to put all of his energy into practising. Ten simply had to get better, and Taemin made sure that was to happen. He even seemed excited about it—and Ten felt proud. Ten had looked up to Lee Taemin for quite some time. The day he had finally been accepted onto the workshop with Lee Taemin still felt like a dream come true, and whenever Taemin praised Ten’s hard work was truly the moments Ten felt like it was all paying off. All of the ache he put his muscles through—completely worth it. Ten was getting better.

“You’re ignoring him,” Taeyong had told Ten later that week, but Ten knew he had to focus on dancing.

It was now—and it was important.

“He’s clearly important to you.”

“People leave,” Ten had replied simply, because it was true.

“You don’t even know him yet.”

“Exactly.”

“He didn’t leave, you did.”

Ten wished that had been a lie, but it wasn’t. Johnny Suh never left—Ten did.

  
***  


At first it was easy, ignoring Johnny Suh. Ten was busy, as usual, busy keeping up with work. It was especially easy to ignore the text message Ten received Monday morning.

Johnny Suh  
  
Hey, it’s me Johnny. I hope you did not get into trouble on Saturday? You were gone so quickly that I had no chance to properly thank you for the collaboration but also a really cool and funny evening.  
Are you free sometime the next week? I‘ve edited some photos already and they are awesome, I tell you. Ten/10! Haha. I could show you them, if you want. ~J  
  


Ten hadn’t got into any trouble Saturday evening. He had left quickly after Suh’s handsome friend (Yuta? Was it?) had been introduced. That was the moment Ten knew he shouldn’t have got involved. It wasn’t that Yuta didn’t seem nice enough—sure enough, Suh’s friend did seem very friendly and suddenly Ten had seen it all very clearly. A future where he was hanging out with _Johnny_ at the café, being served coffees by Yuta and laughing at _nonsense_. It was so easy, and it would be _comfortable_. No more shots out with new people every other evening, no more new introductions and no more lies. It hadn’t been all a lie though: the so called ‘important meeting’ Ten had used as an excuse to leave—Ten had indeed made sure to call Lee Taeyong as quickly as he could when he was on the train back to his flat, fingers shaking as he lifted the phone to his ear. It was an important meeting, had felt absolutely vital for his survival at the time.

“Hyung,” Ten had said, appalled to find that his voice—too—was trembling.

“Ten?”

“Please come.”

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ten?” and Lee Taeyong’s voice was getting more anxious too.

Ten hated it. The way he had made Taeyong nervous, afraid for him—for Ten, again—and even though the nerves got better as Ten was back in his flat crawled up in the ever so familiar sofa with Taeyong’s skinny arms cradling him, he didn’t feel much better. Ten had fucked up. It could have been easy. To instead blame Johnny Suh; for being too demanding, for trying to achieve fame through Ten; for wanting something—but it wasn’t easy. Because Johnny Suh had done none of those things. There was nothing Ten could blame for what he was feeling and what he had ended up doing: fleeing from something, something that had barely got the opportunity to bloom.

There was a lot Lee Taeyong could be saying; that he could be scolding Ten for. Taeyong could question him, ask why he left, what happened, if Suh did something to him—and instead he was quiet. Ten knew the questions would all come later, but for now, Ten was grateful for Taeyong’s silence. He didn’t have the energy to reply, to give answers to the questions which all would end with: _why_ _Ten?_ _Why_ _did_ _you_ _leave?_

Taeyong-hyung stayed the night, and even though they could have spent it comfortably in Ten’s bed they didn’t. Instead they both fell asleep in silence, still there, on the sofa in Ten’s sitting room.

Monday morning came and even though Taeyong had to leave for a few errands Ten was too busy—once again—posing before another lens, an unimportant face behind another camera, clicking away and asking Ten to bend more to the left, or perhaps looking more to the side. In the end, Ten didn’t even notice Suh’s message until the dark was once again embracing Seoul. Ten told himself it was too late to write a reply (it was easy to forget he’d sent his first text message to Johnny Suh at 03:17. It was easy to forget the two kisses he’d typed at the end).

  
***  


“You’re different.”

The voice was dark, softer than Taeyong’s and Ten should have known Sicheng would be the first one to comment on it. Ten’s dance partner was quiet, and perhaps because of that very reason: as observant as ever.

“In what way?” Ten replied, trying to keep a nonchalant act going as he continued on with his current move: fingers outstretched, reaching, and then withdrawing—five, six, seven, eight.

The performance that was coming up was planned for Ten and Sicheng. A collaboration. Many hours of work and practise with Lee Taemin, and then they were allowed to choreograph their own dance and perform on a stage. Ten did free style every now and then, but to choreograph something himself, even if it was together with someone else was big. Important. A moment to look for their own style and expression. And it was difficult: making sure the both of them were always in tune, moving together in sync. Even if Sicheng did his best performance it might not have been Ten’s best. They had to work harder, practise more. Come up with better ideas, improve and perfect the dance.

“I don’t know,” Sicheng said, following Ten’s movements, in turn letting his right leg turn, up in the air and forward, towards Ten—one, two, three, “you’re…,” four, five, “less distracted,” six, seven.

“Are you implying I’m not usually focused on practise?” Ten replied—eight, one, two.

“Well,” Sicheng continued, as blunt as he could be, “you’re… more present.”

What a joke.

“Careful,” Ten commented as he saw Sicheng almost missing a step.  
It was more difficult to ignore the next message. It came the next weekend, on Sunday—Ten was not counting.

Johnny Suh  
  
Hey, it’s me Johnny. I hope you did not get into trouble on Saturday? You were gone so quickly that I had no chance to properly thank you for the collaboration but also a really cool and funny evening.  
Are you free sometime the next week? I‘ve edited some photos already and they are awesome, I tell you. Ten/10! Haha. I could show you them, if you want. ~J  
  
You must be very busy. That’s alright, just text me when you have some free time and please take care of yourself! Johnny the Suh  
  


Ten had met Dong Sicheng years back. They had been dance partners before, it was what they did—but also the only thing they did, and perhaps that was why Ten allowed Sicheng back in his life. He wasn’t necessarily a friend, but he wasn’t like the people Ten worked with on a shoot. Sicheng was dedicated, as hard working as Ten himself, and even though photographers and other models could be too, Sicheng wasn’t all front like the rest of them in the fashion industry. And even though Ten worked with him again and again, Sicheng never overstepped Ten’s boundaries. Sicheng kept to himself and rarely talked about anything other than practise and dancing. It suited Ten. Even if they never shared each other’s beds or went out drinking Ten had _fun_ with Sicheng. He felt as alive as he did being on a night out—possibly more so. Because after all, work was what was most important to Ten. Modelling might be creative in its own way, but nothing could beat dancing. A good choreography to fully express himself through; that could move not only him, but an audience too—that was what truly made Ten feel alive. Ten often wished modelling could do the same, but he was mostly faced with looks of desire or envy when it came to the modelling industry.

_Johnny Suh had seemed different though_, Ten thought. Not wanting Ten for his body and looks only, nor did he want Ten’s life. Suh didn’t care about fame. But then, he didn’t really come from the fashion industry.

Johnny Suh was so much Ten wasn’t. The worst part was that Suh seemed so _real_, tangible and Ten didn’t know what to do with that. It was as if Ten could just reach out and take it, get a taste of what a _real_ life could be like. To have friends to meet up with every other week, to spend his time on work he _cared_ for, that he was passionate about. Like dancing. Maybe he could have tried painting some more. Forget about modelling and spend his time on the things that mattered in life. Perhaps he could have got the cat he had always wanted, even as a child. Perhaps he would dare find love that could ignite a flame burning longer than for one fiery night. But those things were dangerous, less temporary, _reliable_ even, and Ten didn’t know how to deal with consequences.

  
***  


The next message came on a Wednesday. Taeyong-hyung was in Ten’s flat again and Taeyong must have seen the name flashing on Ten’s phone as it laid between the two on the sofa.

“Ten,” Lee Taeyong caught Ten’s attention again, brown eyes studying him.

“What?” Ten replied, and when Taeyong didn’t reply he continued, “I know that look.”

“What look?”

Ten sighed.

“That one, the one that tells me you want to ask me something but you don’t know how. It’s okay, don’t overthink it.”

Taeyong bit his bottom lip, turning around on Ten’s sofa so he was resting on his stomach instead of his back.

“Ten.”

“Mm.”

“It’s that photographer, isn’t it?”

“Which photographer?”

Taeyong rolled his eyes but Ten pretended like he didn’t know exactly who Taeyong was talking about.

“Suh Johnny.”

“Oh,” Ten said, “Him.”

“Him.”

“What about him?”

Taeyong’s eyes travelled elsewhere, not that there was much they could find considering Ten’s empty walls that surrounded them. Protected them.

“How did the photoshoot go?”

“It went fine,” Ten replied as if Taeyong hadn’t been forced to come by Ten’s flat after that very day to sit with him until dawn was upon them again.

“Ten,” Taeyong said, and then his eyes were back on Ten’s, insistent, worried, and Ten worried about what was to follow, “I really thought you had found a new friend—but there’s something I’m missing, isn’t there? Something happened during the shoot?”

Nothing worth mentioning, and wasn’t that the worst part. That everything with and about Johnny Suh went perfectly fine. More than fine. Close to perfect. It was too good to be true. Reality wasn’t constructed that way. Nothing lasts, only a camera could feed such futile ideas.

“I mean, I don’t want to pry but you seemed so happy after the exhibition,” and Taeyong was as polite as ever, even though the two of them had been through more than most, “but there’s something you’re not telling me?”

“You tell me,” Ten replied, stretching out beside Taeyong, eyes shifting to the ceiling, because perhaps there was something to see there anyway.

Ten knew that ceiling, the white walls that surrounded them. A reassuring presence. A protective layer between himself and the rest of the world—where only Lee Taeyong was allowed to walk inside.

Ten opened the message when Taeyong had left.

Johnny Suh  
  
Hey, it’s me Johnny. I hope you did not get into trouble on Saturday? You were gone so quickly that I had no chance to properly thank you for the collaboration but also a really cool and funny evening.  
Are you free sometime the next week? I‘ve edited some photos already and they are awesome, I tell you. Ten/10! Haha. I could show you them, if you want. ~J  
  
You must be very busy. That’s alright, just text me when you have some free time and please take care of yourself! Johnny the Suh  
  
Ten? I hope you are doing okay? J.  
  


If Ten was honest he didn’t understand why it irked him so much. Ten was used to walking out on people. It was what he did. Ten rarely stayed through the whole night, but even if he did he was gone before the other would wake up. Ten always did that. He went into a club and danced, talked and laughed. He never regretted leaving. Ten didn’t care that he might never see their faces again. He liked it that way—and yet this time it was different.

It shouldn’t have to be. Ten could count the times he had met with Johnny Suh on one hand’s fingers, and even if that was more times than he met with most people it shouldn’t be enough for Ten to care about leaving. Not when that had been his automatic response to anything the last couple of years. Possibly his entire life. What could possibly make Johnny Suh so special? Ten was afraid to ask, so instead he preferred to forget.

  
***  


The night was cold, air brisk and wind a bit harsh against his skin. It would change soon though, as Ten entered the club. Blinding colours over his head, changing off beat to the song playing in the background. It wasn’t so much a song as it was noise. A heavy drum and bass in the background snaking themselves all the way into his very bones. Completely taking over from the cold outside. Embracing him and moving him.

Ten let his body move. It was easy, even like this, in a place cramped with sweaty people dancing without a clue of what they were doing. Ten preferred this. The less expensive clubs always attracted the more carefree people. Most at the more exclusive ones around the Gangnam area were a lot more stiff, moving carefully, as if they thought themselves too important to risk looking like a fool. And anyway, by always going to the lesser known places Ten could avoid being recognised or meeting anyone he would later be working with. Not that it mattered a lot. Ten never looked a fool dancing.

He just preferred it if the others would allow themselves to move along too.

Ten could feel the heat of a body pressing up on him. Ten could tell she was female only by the way she let her body move with his. He didn’t mind when it came to dancing, as long as it stayed just that. Ten didn’t mind not facing her, but delicate fingers were travelling up his arm and tugged at him, and Ten was forced to turn around. She was cute. About his height. Black hair with a cute fringe that framed her face nicely. Pink lips smiling at Ten as she moved in front of him. She wasn’t bad, Ten had to give her that.

Ten saw the moment she tried to kiss him before it happened. If he was honest he’d probably seen it way earlier. But it was when both her arms were circling his neck and she was pushing herself against his chest that Ten knew this was going out of hand. Not for most—but for him.

“Um,” Ten said, eyes fighting to find something else to focus on as he tried to distance himself from her, “Sorry, I really have to go to the loo.”

He excused himself and went off the dance floor to look for the restrooms. He found them around the corner, passing someone as he went inside. Relieved to find it empty, Ten went for the tap, turning it on and splashing some cold water onto his face.

Ten hated when the moment came and he’d have to say no, again, and _again_. But then, it was hard to tell with Ten, he knew as much. Ten was flirtatious all the way through. It was hard to tell the difference sometimes. He didn’t blame the girl outside. Instead he hoped she would find someone else to dance with.

“Hey.”

Ten’s eyes flicked towards a guy standing by the door, visible through the mirror in front of Ten. He was clearly talking to Ten, eyes meeting his as he looked back through the glass.

“Hi,” Ten replied, hoping it wasn’t someone else who’d he’d once walked out on—but then Ten knew voices well, and he didn’t recognise this one.

“I saw you. Out on the dance floor. You were practically on fire.”

Ten hummed in reply, straightening his back, a small smirk on his lips as he noted how the other was slowly walking towards him. Closing in on Ten carefully as if he was approaching a child, or a scared animal. Ten wasn’t afraid.

“She looked really into you.”

The bloke was about Ten’s age. Perhaps a bit older, it was hard to tell. He was pretty. Dark almond shaped eyes and similarly dark hair, cut in a cute bowl. Even though the boy was taller than Ten he didn’t seem very big. He wasn’t very muscular, black trousers looking almost a size too big on him, his shirt hanging loosely from his shoulders—and even so, he seemed brave. Daring, even. A bit like Ten in that way.

“She was,” Ten mused.

“But you,” the lad continued, tilting his head as if giving space for Ten to fill him in—when Ten didn’t give him that the lad continued, “you weren’t,” and it wasn’t really a question.

Ten shrugged.

“Perhaps she just wasn’t my type.”

“Few guys would turn down a girl like that.”

“I guess I’m different.”

The boy was right beside Ten now. Ten could still see it in the mirror, hadn’t shifted his gaze even once during their time talking.

“I guess you are,” the nameless boy replied, and finally did Ten turn his attention from the reflection to the guy beside him.

Ten looked him in the eyes and they were standing much closer than Ten had thought they did. The boy’s eyes were so dark Ten couldn’t tell the difference between his iris and pupils. Ten wondered if that was due to the dim ceiling lights or rather _what_ was propelling the boy to approach Ten.

Ten didn’t have to wait long for an answer.

“Maybe you would rather kiss me than her?”

Ten didn’t reply in words. Instead he attacked the boy in front of him with lips and clutching fingers, making them both stumble inside a cubicle, the door slamming shut behind them.

This was what Ten liked. Fiery touches that would leave his skin burning the morning after. Thoughts blown out of his mind by an insistent tongue, unapologetic hands searching for purchase. It was everything that Ten preferred—and yet, it wasn’t right. The touches not heated in the usually infatuated way, but instead, too hot, scorching, uncomfortable even.

“Stop.”

Ten pushed at the boy’s chest. The sound of the lad’s back colliding with the cubicle’s thin wall echoing around them.

“What?” the reply came out breathless, and Ten could hear the confusion (Ten didn’t have it in him to look up and meet those dark eyes again).

“Let me breathe for a moment.”

“But—I… I thought you wanted this?”

“I thought so too.”

“You seemed pretty clear in your intention just a moment ago,” the frustration was evident at this point, and inevitable.

“That was then,” Ten replied, and it was the closest to the truth he could get.

Ten left the club distressed, probably not much less upset than the boy he’d left hanging. This should have been everything Ten wanted. He wanted this. The momentary fire, gentle strokes and harsh tugs—so why hadn’t he taken the bloke home, continued through the night to find some release? Ten had done it many times before. This, was by no means different from any other encounter. Why was it, that now when he could once again have all that he usually enjoyed—Ten didn’t want it?

_Something’s_ _wrong_ _with_ _me_, Ten thought as he fell asleep that night.

  
***  


The next day Taeyong came over. Most times Ten didn’t have to ask him, he simply came anyway. As if there was some kind of unspoken rule of meeting every now and then, and every time was at Ten’s place.

“I had the oddest experience yesterday,” Ten admitted as Taeyong-hyung was putting in two boxes inside the microwave, tapping at the timer.

“I met a guy,” Ten continued, not waiting for Taeyong to reply, “We made out a bit—“

“So far I don’t hear anything out of the ordinary.”

“Hang on, I’m getting to the point,” Ten said and he could hear Taeyong chuckling under his breath even though his back was still turned towards Ten, “and,” Ten sighed, “I stopped it at that. He would probably have said yes if I’d asked him over—but I didn’t.”

“Everyone’s not as eager as you.”

“But he was,” Ten insisted, “I don’t know what’s going on with me.”

Taeyong-hyung turned around at that, finally facing him. There was a crease between his eyebrows as he looked down at Ten who was seated by the kitchen table.

Ten had never told Taeyong he was gay. Not explicitly. Ten didn’t have to tell him. It was evident in the way he was, acted. It was engraved within his very being. Ten never pretended otherwise, and in the end perhaps that was what got him where he was. Getting money off being pretty enough, sexy enough, showing off his face and body for the world to see. Ten was allowed to be flamboyant. He could be whatever he wanted when dancing, and in front of the camera they wanted that.

Ten had moved to South Korea when his parents split-up. Honestly he didn’t really have a choice. As soon as he had got enough money to take care of himself he had moved out, getting financial help from his father to afford a living of his own. Ten had moved away from his family when the break happened. He often told himself it was inevitable. That the parting didn’t only affect two people’s marriage but the children as well. It seemed only logical. His sister, Tern, had stayed behind in Thailand, and Ten had gone with his father. Just like his father had: Ten had left their family too. Ten could blame it on his father’s irresponsible actions but Ten knew it was just as much on him.

Therefore it wasn’t a problem to be gay. Even though Ten had known about his preference for boys a long time he hadn’t had any romantic or sexual experiences with anyone before moving out and into his own flat. It had been impossible, compared to Taeyong Ten could never tell his parents. Tern might understand, but he didn’t dare to imagine the look his parents would give him. The discussion he’d be forced to have after telling them. As if it was something he had any say in. As if it was something anyone had any say in. It simply was the way it was.

It was different for Taeyong. Even though Lee Taeyong was out to his parents and the Lee family all seemed overly supportive of their son, Taeyong had never dared to be explicit about it outside the comfort of his home. It had taken Taeyong long enough to admit it to himself, and Ten would never question his decisions. Ten could relate to that. It was all fine as long as it was still under control. Even if they went on with it differently, they were similar in that way. Both afraid, yet unable to change who they were—and both unwanting to change anything about it.

Ten could see the worry in Lee Taeyong’s eyes and even though Ten could easily imagine his friend trying to discuss everything with him, Taeyong said: “I got a job offer.”

Ten was glad Taeyong had chosen instead to change topics. Perhaps sensing that Ten needed a distraction.

“Really?” Ten asked, though he wasn’t surprised—not really: Ten knew Taeyong would soon get the recognition he deserved.

“Jung Yoon Oh contacted me.”

The microwave gave out a loud _ping_ into the empty kitchen.

_Of_ _course_, Ten thought. He hadn’t forgotten what Johnny Suh had said. That his friend would get in touch with Taeyong-hyung.

Apparently Johnny Suh kept finding a way to reach Ten. His presence in the room suddenly making it difficult for Ten to breathe. Not that Ten knew why. He still didn’t understand. Why couldn’t he just leave him?

Ten was forced out of his reverie when Taeyong was pushing his phone into Ten’s hands. An email at display.

Ten looked up at Taeyong. His friend had a shy smile on his lips. Ten read:
    
    
      Jung Yoon Oh (Jung.Yoonoh@NCT.com).................7:03 PM to contact@leetaeyong.com
    

"Subject: _Looking for an opportunity on both ends._  
Message: _Good evening, My name is Jung Yoon Oh and I am CEO at NCT Inc., a start-up that is currently looking for artists to scout in diversive art fields, such as photography. I found your work in a local press and was impressed about the photo’s composition and quality. You probably don’t often see CEOs reaching out to potential candidates to discuss career opportunities. My company success so far is based on finding people like you, young, talented artists who might seek to make bigger steps in life._

_That’s why I focus a lot of my personal time on recruiting the greatest talents for my start-up. I do want to offer you such an opportunity. But not only via Email. Please, let me know if you are interested to learn more this chance and leave me a number to call. Sincerely, Jung Yoon Oh CEO NCT Inc._"

“Wow,” Ten said.

”We’re meeting in a few days, he seems nice.”

“He?”

“It,” Taeyong replied quickly, pink tinting his cheeks when Ten looked up at him again, “_it_ sounds nice, working with them.”

Ten beamed at his friend. Dropping all of his worries for a moment. Not everything was about Ten after all.

“That’s a wonderful opportunity hyung! I knew you’d hit big soon!”

  
***  


That evening he was alone in bed again. Ten thought of chlorine, swimming pools reflecting soft lights and warm water; of hazel eyes and the scent of coffee beans, soft lips curving at a silly comment he’d made, kind words meant for Ten.  
Ten turned over, looking at the black screen of his phone. With hesitant fingers he touched it, the screen lit up in a blinding blue hue.

_Voicemail_, it said. There were no new voicemails and yet Ten couldn’t stop thinking of the memory of the familiar small white number beside it whenever a new message had been left for him. However much Ten had wanted the red surrounding it to disappear on its own it had remained a constant, and then he had clicked it, making sure the red disappeared.

Ten clicked at the text again, looking at the only message he hadn’t yet deleted.

_Johnny Suh_, it read, _South Korea_, 0:17 seconds.

Ten already knew what it said, he had memorised it after the first time he’d heard it. Ten hadn’t even been busy the following Sunday when Suh had called. Like a deer caught in the headlights Ten had been frozen at the spot, eyes flicking towards the screen as the signal had gone off. Vibrations buzzing and Ten’s fingers had yearned to pick the phone up, hear Johnny Suh’s voice and explain to him why he couldn’t stay. Why he had to leave. Ask for forgiveness and Ten felt so sure that Suh would give it to him, all forgiven and forgotten. Too kind and too easy-going. Too comfortable.  
Instead he’d remained rooted to the spot until the buzzing stopped. Suh no longer waiting on the other side of the line.

Ten licked his bottom lip. The recorded voicemail still there. Like a photograph it captured a moment already long gone. An illusion of something that could last. Even when reality continued, the moment would still be there. A message from a time already gone. Ten pressed _play_.

“Hey, it’s Suh. Are you alright? Have I done something wrong? Please… please leave me a message,” Johnny Suh’s voice was gentle, a bit tired perhaps, and it was emphasised by a low but audible sigh that followed, a pause; a break, as if he really did have to say the last couple of words instead of just hanging up, as if they were important and even though Suh didn’t want to stay long enough to say it, he had to, “ I am starting to get worried.”

At first it was easy to ignore Johnny Suh—and then it wasn’t. So Ten did the only thing he could to stop himself from receiving any more, stop himself from writing back, calling.

_You will not receive phone calls, messages from people on the block list_. **Block Contact**.

Ten hit the red letters. It was for the best.

* * *

**JOHNNY**

A deep sigh escaped Johnny’s lips as he closed the door behind him and was now in the dark apartment, keys dropping carelessly on the small table next to him. 

_Empty_.  
  
Nothing unusual and yet tonight it felt more present.  
He still was thinking about the events today, how much joy it was to have that photoshoot with Ten, how professional and just flawless the model worked in front of his camera. They laughed so much at the coffee shop as well and everything just felt like Johnny knew Ten for so much longer than just a couple of days. 

  
The photographer was easy to approach, easy to talk to, easy to hang out with. It was something that many had told him and it just happened effortlessly to Johnny.  
But why did that not seem to have worked today… when it had been so meaningful to him?  
  
Ten was not just a business partner at that time, he was an inspiration, motivation and encouragement. Something Johnny was lacking for months now. He felt so unchained today, taking all those pictures of the model.  
Just remembering some of these shots, the one he saw on his laptop, made him feel the tickling in his fingers to go to his computer and edit them.  
But still, he leaned against the door a little longer, just lights from the street and passing cars illuminating his place.  
He definitely needed to check on Ten.  
The way he left this evening was odd and beyond Johnny’s understanding. It felt rushed as if he was fleeing from something, even so, he assured that he just had forgotten about an appointment.  
If Johnny was truly responsible for him getting into trouble, if the excuse was true then he needed to apologize at least for stealing his time.  
  
But it was too late now, and Ten was busy as he claimed.  
Johnny could not do much tonight, except for editing.  
After having the Americano as well as all the sugar from the cakes, he did not feel like sleeping just yet anyway.  
  
Johnny brushed his hair back and finally walked away from the door, footsteps almost not audible. When arriving in the kitchen he opened the fridge.  
He was not particularly hungry, neither thirsty since he took the water bottle with him and finished it on his way back here with Yoonoh’s car.  
  
The water reminded him that he needed to ask his friend when he might need the car back. Yoonoh said that he could have it all day, but Johnny felt anxious to have such a fine car parked in front of his flat.  
Later.  
He closed the fridge without getting himself anything, rather deciding to walk to his working place that was part of his living room. He started the computer and placed the sd cards on the table, checking if anyone left a voice message on his phone at home.  
  
A highlighted Zero on the display.  
  
Suh decided to play some music, mainly instrumental, calming, uplifting. This kind of music was needed sometimes to lose himself into his work and to not get too distracted by it on the other hand.  
The piano sounds finally made this place more like his home and Johnny sat down in front of the desk.  
After extracting and doing backups of all the work, he opened the very first picture which had been the test one. A smile immediately appearing on his lips as he looked at Ten and the way he looked into the camera.  
This warm comfortable feeling he had back then now returned and lifted his mood.  
The next one was on the screen, then the third one.  
It had been such a good photoshoot.  
He deleted only some and then started to edit the remaining ones.  
Hours and hours passed.  
Just when he noticed the sun rising again, Johnny leaned back, massaging his neck and deciding to have a break and get some sleep.  
  
He took a quick shower that did not help to wake him up and he got into his bed with just a plain shirt and boxers, sighing when tiredness pressed him down on the mattress.  
While looking upon the ceiling like every night, he actually smiled, feeling good about the shoot and all the pictures he had seen today. Hopefully, Ten will like them too. He could use that as a reason to contact him.  
  
Good plan.  
  
The photographer rolled on his side, hugging a second pillow before falling asleep. 

It was after lunchtime when his phone vibration woke him up again. He groaned sleepily and took it, responding in a husky tone: “Yeah?”

“Hey, sleepyhead.” Yoonoh’s voice was on the other side of the line and Johnny yawned as if that was his response.  
He heard a chuckle before his best friend asked. “Are you doing okay?”  
  
Johnny thought about it,

“Sure. Had been up late to work on the photos I’d made. Ten outmatched any expectations of mine.”  
“That is great to hear. I am so glad.” He heard Yoonoh cheering and it made him smile. Of course, Johnny had been aware of the worried looks the other gave him at times, the way he asked about Johnny’s lacking inspiration. The photographer never wanted for his friend to worry about him but it eventually just happens when someone is this important to you.  
  
“Yeah, it felt really good,” Johnny added and inevitably remembered the way Ten left afterwards, the smile was now being replaced by a thoughtful expression that luckily Yoonoh could not see.

To not think about it yet he quickly asked the businessman,

“When do you need your car back?”   
Johnny could hear noises at the other end, Yoonoh was probably on the street. 

“I am actually on my way to your place to get it.”

“What” Suh sat up. “Have I missed us agreeing on a time? Have I overslept?” 

Yoonoh chuckled. “Na, it’s fine. I just have an appointment with another young artist. He just agreed on meeting me yesterday when you were busy with your photoshoot. So stay in your bed, relax, get yourself a proper breakfast.  
I have another set of keys for the car and will drive to the restaurant right away.” 

Typical. It always seemed like Yoonoh was one step ahead of him, surprising him each time. And once the businessman had a plan it was hard to convince him to something else. So there was no point in arguing about this one.  
Johnny smiled, appreciating to lay in bed a little more at this point and letting himself drop back on his pillow.

“Thank you. Again I owe you one” He said, unable to count the many times he said that to his best friend and the other knew that. 

“Not for that. Wish me luck for the meeting today.” 

“My best friend does not need any luck.” 

Another low chuckle and Johnny just knew how Yoonoh was just shaking his head but eventually responding with a short. 

“Thank you” 

“Not for that” Johnny turned the very same conversation they just had around and was amused by it. So was the other it seemed who just clicked with his tongue and then said,

“Talk to you later.” 

“Yep. Enjoy your meeting”

And the call ended.

***

Johnny started his day then with a big plate of Omurice.  
He wrapped the omelette around the seasoned rice and added ketchup and mayonnaise as a topping, actually making a smiling face on it for no good reason. His mother used to do that too back when he was a kid and somehow he felt like he wanted to eat it again. Such a comforting food.   
  
He also made himself coffee, and turned on the TV, watching the news while eating. He showered afterwards and went out for a walk, planning to edit some more in the evening and did just that.  
This time he did not make it an all-nighter, rather choosing to go to bed after midnight. His sleeping schedule had been quiet of a mess lately and Johnny just hated to wake up so late during a day, fearing to miss important events.  
  
He had forgotten about texting Ten, maybe inwardly had hoped for the model to reach him or hesitated to make a move?  
Either way, he was not aware of the reasons.  
It was too late now to bother the other, so Johnny decided to send Ten a message the next morning and so he did.  
  
Monday had been very busy for him. The photographer had a new project for a newspaper to work on. He frequently checked for a message from Ten but did not get a message back.  
  
He was probably busy, unable to write back. Suh told himself as days passed without any contact with the model.  
On Wednesday there was still no message and Johnny was slowly wondering why and what was keeping the other from messaging him. It was the first time where the photographer did not really find an excuse for it anymore, so it inevitably made him worry about the circumstances of last Saturday, trying to recall again all that had been said and done. He still did not believe that Yuta was at fault. The barista had been so kind and actually being very similar in-person to Ten.  
All of this did not make any sense, really.  
In a moment of overthinking and not knowing what to do, Johnny was on the bus after a long day working on his new project. He was on the way to his apartment when Ten came to his mind as water drops run down the window, just like they did on the model’s nose and chin during the photo shoot.  
He picked up his phone and sent Ten another message. 

It was possible that the model just forgot about his message, right? It happened to him before too and with their busy schedules, it was very likely to have happened.   
Hazel eyes looking out of the window again and he thought about a conversation he had with Yoonoh the day before. 

Johnny had talked with him about all the events on Saturday, even showing a couple of shots that left Yoonoh amazed and actually in a more exciting mood than Johnny. He insists for the photographer to find a magazine or other platform to release those.  
Yoonoh just had made his exhibition and would not be able to do one in such a short time again, but he told Johnny a couple of times, that he would so do that if Johnny wouldn’t do something with such outstanding results.  
  
Regardless of what Yoonoh said, Johnny kept all the work to himself.  
He never did that to gain fame by having a model like Ten posing for him. It had been done out of a passion for his job, anticipation, inspiration. Frankly, Johnny got all he had hoped to get right after the photoshoot.  
Not to mention that he still had no words from Ten and wanted to hear his feedback first before doing anything with these pictures of him.  
  
More days had passed, the project proceeding and forcing Johnny to travel a lot. He was rarely at home and even during the weekend he was working.  
He originally planned to be done until Friday with it but somehow none of the photos he did were anything special.  
Johnny was not pleased and it was getting frustrating to the perfectionist in him.  
So he spent extra time, working harder and longer - even the following Sunday.  
  
_No. Not good enough._

Johnny sighed and dropped a photo on his desk, leaning back on his chair and rubbing his face with another deep sigh.  
  
He felt tired,   
he felt drained,   
he felt uninspired. 

God, how much the photographer hated that feeling.  
  
_It had returned, hadn’t it?  
The artist’s block?  
_  
Well, maybe it was just the project itself that was not allowing that much of creativity. It was the only explanation Johnny allowed at this moment and hoped that it would pass soon enough. 

He checked the time that sunday and looked briefly at the photos placed on the table.  
There was hardly much more time left to redo them, so these had to work.  
Johnny put the selection in an envelope that he would bring along for the next meeting with his customers. And checked his phone next.  
No message, no call, nothing. It was like Ten did not just leave the coffee shop that evening and an uneasy feeling crawled up on Johnny. Again thoughts came up of having done something that made the other uncomfortable?  
Shouldn’t he have introduced his friend Yuta?  
So many questions with no answers.  
The photographer pressed his lips together and actually dialled Ten’s number next.  
  
Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep.

_Please pick up._  
  
Beep.  
Beep.  
“Hello. The number you have called is unavailable. Please leave a message”  
  
_Damn it._  
  
Johnny thought of cancelling the call but then the Beep was audible and he actually left a voice message without thinking about his words firstly.  
He hated the sound of his voice, he wanted to delete the message as soon as it had been recorded. Ugh.. what was he doing here? Why was he always coming back to Ten with his thoughts?  
  
He put the phone down next and called it a night.   
Some more days were ahead of him where he needed to focus on. This was the job, this was how he could pay his bills. Anything else must wait.  
And it was not as if he did not try all he could at this point to reach the model.  
  
Some more days passed with no message from Ten. Much to Johnny’s irritation, it appeared that he was no longer able to send messages or calling the model. Perhaps he got a new number, maybe he lost his phone?  
That would explain why he did not call him back.  
  
Johnny was again in the bus on his way home, head leaning against the window, not bothering that with each uneven street his head bumped against it. The meeting with the director he worked with went well, he managed to achieve the other’s expectations at least. He could do better hough, Johnny knew that.  
Ever since he did that exhibition collaboration with Yoonoh, he received a lot of mails and calls, people getting interested to work with him.  
Wasn’t this all he wanted? Recognition?  
Why did he feel so drained then?  
Should he be unleashed and happy and energetic for more jobs?  
  
_You always crave something when you do not have it._  
  
Maybe now that he got himself a little attention from important names, he looked different at the entire situation.  
Fame consumes creativity.  
You need to work for others, exceed their expectations, please their likings - not your own.  
  
Bump.  
Now that one hurt his head, but he remained in his position, absent in thoughts so he did not even realize that he missed his station.  
Just a couple of minutes later did he sit up straight and rolled annoyed with his eyes.  
  
_What is wrong with you, Johnny Suh?_  
  
The photographer decided to wait for two more stations before exiting the bus. Two streets further ahead of it was Yoonoh’s house and he had messaged his friend to come by for a quick visit.  
At least this way it was less of a bother to have missed his station, Johnny thought.  
  
Yoonoh was at home and opening the door immediately as if he had waited for Johnny.

“Hey” 

“Hey, what’s with that frown?” 

His best friend asked right away. How would he know? 

“Just a little tired, was a long day” Johnny responded as he walked in and made himself comfortable in Yoonoh’s living room. 

“Want a beer?” the other offered but Johnny shook his head. “No, thank you.”   
A sigh was audible and the photographer looked up to the businessman, noticing the judging eyes on him. He was not talking to a stranger, this was Yoonoh, his brother, the one person he shared every secret with. Johnny brushed his hair back and sighed. 

“It’s gone again.”

Silence surrounded the two for a brief moment before Yoonoh sat down next to Suh.

“That quickly huh?”

He asked rhetorically and Johnny pressed his lips together. 

“I really hoped you would have gone through it completely when you started working with Ten the other day. You seemed quite alright and very much the old Johnny I know.”

Hazel eyes moved to Yoonoh, knowing someone this well was a blessing and a sometimes a curse. Why did everything the other said sounded always so right?

“You are right. It felt great to do this shoot and there was so much I wanted to do, I had plans in my head but now. Ugh.”

“Have you contact him again?"

Of course, Yoonoh knew what happened and Johnny chewed on his inner cheek.

“A couple of times. Still no way to reach him. My messages are not going through and calls get instantly denied.”

“That’s all so weird.” Yoonoh sighed and placed his hand on Johnny’s shoulder, trying to be of any comfort.

“Maybe he was some sort of muse to you.” He heard the other saying and could only nod at this assumption. “Maybe he was.”

But what was the point to dwell on it now? He knew nothing about Ten, even so,, they did that little game. He did not know where Ten lived, he did not know what was on the other’s mind, and why the fucking hell he left.  
Why was he angry now?

“Let’s. Not talk about it for now please.” Johnny asked and missed the comforting hand of his friend once he withdrew it.

“Okay. Have you eaten something?”

“No, not feeling hungry.” He responded and got a scolding look from his best friend another time.

“Come on, let’s finally do what we wanted to do all the times before. Let’s cook something together.”

“I do not think this is a good …”

“This was not a plea” Yoonoh interrupted Johnny and actually grinned, trying to lift the mood with the sudden change in behaviour. It worked.

Johnny clicked with his tongue and got up to join the other in the kitchen.

“Okay Mom, what we gonna do”  
  
He never knew he would need that time with Yoonoh the evening. But it was the first time in days that Johnny relaxed, laughed and felt a little less the numbness that bothered him. So as much as he cursed before to have missed his station, he was now glad he did.

It was past midnight when Johnny planned to leave and Yoonoh offered him to take his car. He had not drunk anything unlike Yoonoh so this was the fastest way for him to get home and the other said he would not need it the next day since he would go to one of the artist’s working places not too far from his apartment.

So Johnny agreed and took Yoonoh’s car, and another long day ended.

Another morning - another challenge. Johnny had just a toast with butter between his lips as rushed out of the house and driving to work.

He had royally overslept and now was really grateful to have accepted Yoonoh’s offer with the car. This way he would make it in time to his appointment, what the bus could never do.  
  
_Bless Yoonoh. _

Luckily he was able to repay him.  
  
He got a call in the evening, just when he planned to actually bring the car back to the rightful owner. Yoonoh planned to head out with someone and asked Johnny if he could pick them up later on, so both were able to enjoy some wine and all.  
Johnny immediately smiled at that question. He could hear in his friend’s voice that Yoonoh was looking forward to that and it made the photographer curious who that person was.

Yoonoh had been very busy just like him for the last few weeks. He worked on another exhibition, collaborating with new young artist’s that he scouted. _It was probably one of them. _Johnny thought and agreed to pick them up later. This way he would also leave the car right there and take the last bus home. Easy. So he decided to develop more photos and waited for the call to get them.  
  
It was after midnight when that call came.

Johnny had stopped working on the photos and just watched a movie when his phone vibrated and he picked up, quickly holding the phone away from his ear because there were a lot of noises and loud music in the background.  
  
It was in the middle of the week and Jung Yoon Oh was out, preferring this over his one and only love - work? He was drinking, laughing even during the call - who was with him?  
Johnny thought again and agreed to get ready now so he could find out soon enough.  
  
20 minutes later and he arrived at the location Yoonoh had sent, only waiting a minute or two before two approached the car. The door opened and he could already hear in the voices that the night must have been fun. Rarely did he see Yoonoh like this and it lifted his mood a lot.  
  
“Suh’s Escort Adventures, at your service gentlemen." Johnny greeted his best friend, surprised to see the other male getting into the backseat together with Yoonoh. He knew him and as if fade was playing tricks, it had to be someone associating with Ten. 

“Lee Taeyong..?” Johnny said and smiled regardless of the sinking feeling in his chest while looking into the mirror.

Nothing that happened was Taeyong’s fault and Johnny did not even understand at this point why he felt what he felt. Perhaps deep down he accepted the thought that Ten had cut ties without any explanation, but the chemistry they shared, the fun they had - all those good memories of spending time with the model, did not want to believe it. He thought he had found another amazing friend. 

Hazel eyes saw that Yoonoh was only half aware of his surroundings, not even saying much at this point. 

Soon enough and he will be out, Johnny knew it. 

Taeyong nodded to the photographer’s words and chuckling “That’s me.”, Yoonoh was only bobbing his head and was only half cautious it seemed, unable to take part in the conversation. 

“My my my, what a sight to behold. Mr. Jung Yoon Oh is drunk.” Johnny clicked with his tongue.

“That makes 1:0 for Taeyong." 

Back when they were younger the did count the many times one was too drunk and the other had to help, his remark was directed at that, an insider between Yoonoh and Johnny.

But no response was coming from the businessman, only a low mumbling was audible.

There was no point to tease him now about it, rather do that in the morning then. So Johnny’s attention went back to the other photographer, smiling amused while starting the engine.

"So, where can I drop you off?”

“Oh,” Taeyong said, head bobbing slightly, “just… the closest train station…” he trailed off.

Johnny blew out through his nose.

“Not on my watch. You got my best man in this car safely and let him enjoy himself for a change, I will drop you off safely too - your place.. or maybe just street if you don’t want to reveal too much. Not debatable.”

The photographer was known for his caring side all the time. No matter who it was, Johnny would offer to accompany them home, making sure everyone was alright and safe. That was just his nature and it also adapts to people important to his friends.

Yoonoh did not give him much of an update about the scouting activities. He mentioned to have contacted Taeyong the other day, but with all happening and both being so busy, it never got into more detail. But seeing the two now heading out for some fun was very refreshing to see and about time.  
  
Yoonoh was really good looking in Johnny’s eyes. He was not just saying that because they were friends. He would have better chances with women than him, if he would be interested that is. It was around the age of 15 when Yoonoh told him about his attraction to men. Even so many years after, Johnny was pretty sure that this was the only time he talked with anybody about it. And during all this time, Yoonoh was putting all other needs above his own, neglecting his interests, hiding them with acts and lies, so he would not upset his family for example. He was the only son of an influencing wealthy family empire. He will carry on the legacy of his father at one point and it was expected for him to do the same - once he had a child. Liking men was not compatible there and even so Johnny always supported his best friend, trying to convince him to open up and stop living a lie. Yoonoh did not listen to it. He thought it was selfish to do so and the photographer had to respect that. So now seeing the two in the backseat, was kind of and overdue sight in Johnny’s eyes. He did not know their connection, they worked together yes, but once you head out and have fun - it’s more than that.  
A new friendship blossoming. Good for the two. Why he got a certain vibe of more was beyond him, maybe it was just how the two sat there, Yoonoh leaning against Taeyong like that, the darker colour on the cheeks. Even so, it was dark, it was noticeable. Johnny’s thoughts were interrupted when Taeyong blurted the address as Johnny had requested it before and adding before looking out of the window, 

“You don’t have to though,” The words came out low and for the observant Johnny it felt like some cold or at least reserved vibe was spreading here toward him. He could be wrong, but considering that he was still clueless about Ten, the assumption crawled upon him immediately that Taeyong knew something and was now judging him perhaps?  
  
Or.. he was just dead ass drunk and tired like his best friend next to him.  
  
_Cut it out Johnny, none of this was Taeyong’s fault. _If there was an issue he will address it eventually, so Johnny was just replying, “Please, I insist” 

This time he did not get any protest. Good.

So Johnny just turned on the navigation and added the address Taeyong mentioned, following the directions and driving carefully so he would not make Yoonoh bump against the driver’s seat or window by accident. 

It got a little quiet and with the previous thoughts he felt like breaking the ice a little with a banter, 

„So you two working together now! That’s cool.“

Only after he asked his question, he saw in the mirror that Taeyong seemed to had drifted off like Yoonoh, his head had leaned close to the other’s shoulder and now he quickly sat up straighter, saying in an almost gasp, “Yeah.” 

Shit, Johnny felt sorry right then to had said anything at all.

Taeyong just looked like someone who had been caught by doing something forbidding or by dozing off.  
But it seemed to be okay when the other added in a more collected tone, but still blinking sleepy, “Yes, we are. I’m very grateful to be part of the upcoming exhibition.” 

This answer could have come from Johnny himself and he shared sympathies then with the other photographer, smiling as he assured the other,

“When Jung Yoon Oh got into your work this much" He pointed at the sleeping friend next to Taeyong, who was actually giving away a very innocent side of him at this moment. “Then your work deserve to be displayed for people who appreciate it.” Johnny had his eyes back on the road then, the silence surrounding the trio like darkness the night.

After 10 minutes they arrived at the address that Taeyong had given to him. Johnny made sure that the other had not fallen asleep yet before speaking, watching the other just looking out of the window again. So Johnny cleared his throat and announced.

“Here we are. I will wait until you got inside safely”

“He watched the other getting out of the car with some difficulties. Not too surprising when drunk and it seemed he was extra careful to not wake Yoonoh up. So considerate, JOhnny thought.

Taeyong turned around to the car, “Thanks, for driving me all the way to the door.” The other’s eyes were now moving to the backseat and Johnny could see a quiet warm smile on Taeyong’s lips when he said, 

“Take care of Mr. Jung.” 

“Count on Me” Johnny responded and then watched the other heading to the apartment building. Being the considerate and protective type as always, he waited in the car, eyes on the dark building before he spotted a light turning on and Taeyong getting inside.

From that far he did not see much else there but a silhouette or two. So he was not alone after all. 

Mumbling was audible from the backseat and it drifted Johnny’s attention from the building to his best friend.

“Hey, you fine wine you.” It was an old joke of theirs and now it literally fit since Yoonoh must have had more than a bottle would hold. Yoonoh stirred with a grown as if he was regaining consciousness. So Johnny assured him quickly,

“Just relax, Taeyong is home and so will you in a couple of minutes.”  
  
And that sigh that followed from his best friend was saying more than any _Thank you_ could. 

* * *

**TEN**

It was weird. Everything was the same after Johnny Suh left Ten’s life. Only. It wasn’t. Now silence reigned. It was not as if Ten wasn’t used to silence. He’d lived with it for a long time, and time after time he’d made sure to end it.

The louder it was the easier Ten found to enjoy it. The bass going deeper than usual, drums humming through his body, people passing by; singing, screaming, sighing profane words into his ears; traffic, moving, shifting, changing—constantly—around him. Ten always liked it that way.

Nothing had changed since the moment Ten walked out of the coffee shop, away from the boy with legs too long and eyes too kind for the likes of Ten. Ten’s life continued, as did everything else. Days passed. _Weeks_ passed. Weeks turned to a month. Two months. It didn’t matter. Johnny Suh didn’t matter to Ten. Suh wasn’t a friend. He wasn’t Lee Taeyong who had been there for Ten more times than Ten could count. Nor was he the kind of person Ten usually hang out with. He wasn’t stiff and boring like most of the professional photographers and directors Ten worked with or even the choreographer’s Ten had met—nor was he greedy, resentful, or lewd like the people at the clubs. Johnny Suh belonged to another category, one which Ten didn’t associate himself with. Whatever that was.

Now silence followed Ten, because since that incident at the club some weeks back Ten hadn’t gone back. Not to that club in particular, but neither to any other for that matter. Nothing had _actually_ changed but apparently: Ten had. Perhaps he had finally grown up, realised that he couldn’t keep living like that. That had to be the reason Ten was changed—right?  
It _was_ weird though, how when Ten ordered his Americanos all he could think about was hazel eyes meeting his, warm bubbly laughter and a voice all too soft for the walls Ten had built around himself. It was the same at every shoot he went to. Another camera, another photographer, and everyone was just as unimportant as ever—not pulling any jokes, not asking Ten questions about _him_, not caring a second longer than they had to. It was the same when he sat at home, and even though Taeyong-hyung was seated beside him eating Tteokbokki (and that was Ten’s favourite Korean dish, not Johnny Suh’s—because honestly, Ten didn’t even _know_ what Suh’s favourite dishes were. Only that Suh liked it cheesy and spicy, and he liked Americanos too, and pizza, salted caramel macarons, strawberry cheesecake, fruits in general apparently—_but_ _who_ _the_ _fuck_ _likes_ _fruits_ _anyway?_), Ten’s thoughts kept drifting, kept reminding him of someone else. Someone who was never his to begin with. Someone who wasn’t even his friend.

Ten pushed his plate away from him, stretching out his arms on the table.

“You can’t possibly be full already, you’ve barely had like… two pieces,” Taeyong pointed out, eyebrows raised.

Ten shrugged. What could he even say in response to that?

And then silence hung over them, like a thin blanket it surrounded them and even though Ten would prefer to, he couldn’t run.

“You don’t have to pretend with me,” Taeyong said and Ten sighed.

“I’m not.”

“Then, what’s going on?”

“I wish I knew.”

“I think you do know,” Taeyong said.

_But_ _do_ _I?_ _Do_ _I_ _want_ _to_ _know?_ Ten didn’t know. Everything seemed so stupid. And for what? All for the risk of getting close to a straight photographer? No, that was impossible. Ten didn’t know. He didn’t care, and yet everything that happened seem to keep pointing Ten in the direction of the tall boy with stupid hazel eyes and a round laughter.

It didn’t help that Sicheng was especially excited. His feet bouncing off the floor making him metaphorically _and_ practically flying.

“What’s got into you?” Ten asked during practice and the blush that started showing at the collar of Sicheng’s shirt was telling in itself.

“Oh, I sense _love_,” Ten said, voice almost singing as he could see the embarrassment on the other’s face.

“Since when did you ever care about my private life, keep to your own,” came Sicheng’s reply.

“Since now,” Ten replied, mind already set on getting it out of the Chinese boy.

Sicheng only rolled his eyes as he extended one leg in front of him to turn on the next count.

“Come on,” Ten insisted, “you have to tell me!”

“When do _you_ ever tell me anything?” Sicheng mumbled back as they changed poses and moved to the next part.

Ten knew they should be focusing on the performance, Ten usually preferred it that way, and yet he was unable to stop himself from pinching Sicheng’s side as he passed him—Ten didn’t miss a step, Sicheng did as he had tried to move away from Ten’s fingers. Ten couldn’t help teasing if he sensed there was something to tease about.

“Okay, yeah, I’m… seeing someone.”

“Oh,” Ten replied, dragging out the o as he moved, “I knew you’d find a handsome young man someday soon.”

Sicheng snapped his head in Ten’s direction, next move completely forgotten.

“I never said his name! And anyway, we’ve only been to two dates so far, if you can even call it that.”

“Oh, so it _is_ a _him_!”

If Ten was honest it had been pure luck he had guessed right. Sicheng wasn’t very vocal about his preferences, not that they’d ever really taken the time to discuss things like that anyway—but then, it wasn’t too uncommon that young boys interested in contemporary dance were in fact gay.

Sicheng’s cheeks were practically burning.

“Don’t tell me you like girls,” Sicheng said, crossing his arms over his chest and Ten wondered if he realised how defensive he looked.

“Hah!” Ten burst out, unable to help himself, and stopping with his own move as he put down both his feet on the ground to turn fully towards Sicheng, “Have you completely lost your mind?”

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that Ten eventually had to meet Sicheng’s new love interest. Well, it wouldn’t have been necessary since the both of them seemed satisfied enough to keep to themselves, have their private and professional life separated, and yet it was surprising when the door opened just as Ten had suggested their last moves and positions to be decided for the upcoming performance. The choreography had to be done soon, the rest of the weeks would have to be focused on practising and perfecting it alone.

“Winko?” came a voice through the door, loud, and ridiculously happy—emphasised by the echoing inside the bare dance studio.

Ten sighed. He’d never heard Sicheng being called _Winko_ before. _That_ was new. So clearly, the person behind the door _had_ to be that special someone. Not everyone would dare give Sicheng a nickname other than what he himself had chosen for the stage.

They were both out of breath. Chests heaving from the strain of the physical work they’d been through the last two hours. Ten walked towards the speaker, quickly pausing the song they had chosen for their dance.

The smile that was already plastered on Ten’s face soon dropped. Ten knew that voice. He had heard it before. In a place with too much noise, chatty people making small talk, sweet and salty flavours mixing, the sound of coffee beans being grounded.

A head poked inside the studio, long hair falling down and a wide smile was already glowing on his face. His eyes were open, searching and settled quickly on Sicheng’s slightly sweaty form. The man was gorgeous, his face and hair alone: breathtaking. His existence, and especially here, in the dance studio, made Ten absolutely furious. He entered, smile still in place as he waved towards them, a bag in his hand. Ten knew that logo, even if he’d only seen it once before in his life. He couldn’t forget it.

Yuta. The coffee shop. And, inevitably, Ten’s thoughts were back on hazel eyes. Johnny Suh.  
Ten should have been used to silence by now. It seemed that that was what had replaced his noisy existence—and yet Ten felt uncomfortable. 

“Hey,” Yuta said, voice singing on the word in a way that Ten could have found unusually like his own way of speaking had he not been so occupied wanting the other gone from the room, “Thought I would stop by and provide you with something sweet?”

Sicheng was finally pulled back to reality, his arms suddenly stretched out, raised in front of him, hands making the gesture of a _stop_ signal.

“No, no, _no_, you have to leave,” Sicheng’s low voice rang as he stepped closer to Yuta, “We’re in the middle of practice!”

“What? But I…” came Yuta’s reply, and even though Sicheng was approaching him Yuta had already taken a few steps inside, the door to the studio making a soft thudding noise as it closed behind him.

Yuta’s eyes turned big, eyes flicking around the room as if he had barely registered Sicheng’s pleading, “Woah, now this is so cool,” he continued, his face absolutely beaming as happily as Ten had ever really seen a person look.

“I know you were, you told me,” Yuta eventually replied, eyes back on Sicheng as he spoke, “I was so curious to see where you practise and I also missed you a lot. Isn’t me showing up not a win-win situation. Te-he. Got it? Winwin,” Ten would have laughed, because _that_ was hilarious, but then Yuta’s eyes finally drifted towards Ten, as if he hadn’t truly seen him there before, and Ten could swear Yuta’s eyes were narrowing at the mere sight of him, and _that_ was telling, “Yo,” Yuta said, not looking very happy about Ten being in the room with Sicheng either—but then it wasn’t Ten who were interrupting their practice session.

Ten could tell from Sicheng’s tensed shoulders that he wanted to say something in return, but as realisation daunted upon Yuta, Sicheng too turned his head in Ten’s direction.

Ten still hadn’t moved away from the speaker, finally he let his hand drop from the pause button.

“Hey,” Ten said in reply.

Sicheng just looked between the two of them, but Ten’s eyes were on Yuta.

“What a small world this is, huh?” Yuta continued and it seemed that his mood had done a 180 turn, all enthusiasm gone from his voice.

Yuta glanced towards Sicheng again, and Ten guessed he felt the need to explain as Ten heard him say: “Ah… we just briefly met a while ago. Being friends with the same person—think I mentioned Johnny to you before,” Yuta brushed a few strands of shining hair away from his face, eyes back on Ten—Ten could swear they judged him, “Or business partners in _his_ case,” and that was definitely judging.

Sicheng only seemed to nod in return, a small crease between his eyebrows as he studied Ten. Ten usually didn’t mind being at the centre of attention, but this wasn’t really the way he preferred it go. Ten shifted his weight to his right foot instead.

“Well… he’s a photographer,” Ten said.

That much was true, and honestly Ten didn’t know how well Sicheng _knew_ Johnny. It didn’t seem like they had met in the way Yuta had explained it to him. That was probably why Ten felt the need to make the comment at all, stating facts.

“We worked together once,” Ten continued and he hated the way his voice sounded rigid, even to his own ears—defensive, almost—Ten folded his arms against his chest.

He was only saying the truth, nothing to be ashamed about, but he had to say _something_ in reply to whatever look Yuta was currently sending him.

It was true, after all. _Once_.

“He is not just ‘a’ photographer,” came Yuta’s sharp reply, and as if that wasn’t enough he made sure Ten understood what he was saying by gesturing with his hands to emphasise the _a_—as if Ten was a child at kindergarten not being able to fully comprehend a standard school rule.

It didn’t last long. The man truly could change his mood in the span of seconds. Yuta shrugged and Ten thought briefly of a dog shaking off bothersome raindrops after harsh weather.

“But it’s all about one’s perspective. How ya’ doing?” Yuta asked.

“I’m sure he’s a great photographer,” Sicheng quipped quietly.

_He_ _truly_ _is_, Ten thought bitterly, though relieved the topic was dropped for the time being.

“We’re doing alright, trying to get the last things in order—for the choreography,” Ten replied, gesturing vaguely with his hand to indicate the room in general.

“Ten’s a brilliant dancer, I’m learning a lot from him,” Sicheng said.

Ten gave Sicheng a small smile.

“Ah, he’s giving himself too little credit! I keep learning a lot from him too,” Ten replied, eyes on Sicheng in gratitude for a second.

“I believe you both are good then,” Yuta commented, crossing his arms as he continued, “I am a dancer too, actually. Just earning some extra money aside at the coffee shop,” Yuta wiggled the bag again, “You know, Winko’s dance style is not quite mine or I would have loved to do a collaboration. But we luckily collaborate in other ways… hehe.” 

Sicheng’s face was turning redder by the second, and it almost brought a smile to Ten’s face. He did love seeing the Chinese flustered, he was too easy to tease.

“Don’t be gross,” Sicheng said.

“Hm,” Ten considered Yuta, “Difficult to make money off dancing,” he commented casually.

Perhaps it was a bit rude, but then Yuta hadn’t really started off on Ten’s best side. Something about the way Yuta talked irked him. As if what Ten had said wasn’t only hard facts when that was exactly what it was.

Yuta raised his eyebrows, the dashing smile gone as the words seemed to sink in.

“Well, you must know the struggle, model.”

“True, but at least I can laugh _my_ way to the bank, don’t know if you can say the same,” Ten gave Yuta’s bag a pointed look before returning his gaze leisurely to Yuta again.

“Oh you mean right after leaving a kind and caring heart out in the rain because it’s all about business to you? Such a way to laugh indeed. I can’t say the same but I am actually glad to not be able to compare myself to an asshole.”

“Ten,” Sicheng said in a low voice.

Ten heard the warning in his voice and Ten stretched the silence a bit. It followed him everywhere anyway, there was no need to fight it anymore.

“He’s not wrong, you know. You can be a bit of an arse,” Sicheng continued, the joke was there but his voice was still low, uncertain.

“Pft,” Ten looked over at Sicheng and rolled his eyes, allowing his dance partner to lead them away from any serious discussion.

Ten decided he could play along.

“It’s a cross I have to bear,” Ten said, “At last mine’s nice to look at.”

“I’d definitely pick his every time,” Sicheng replied, sending a quick glance Yuta’s way, a blush visible on his cheeks again.

Ten was glad Sicheng had got him out of the bad act. Ten could spiral down something like that, he knew it, it had happened before and it wasn’t pretty. He hated when it happened, preferring to stay polite and humble. Something he usually took pride in being. It bothered Ten, that he’d wanted to get back at Yuta. Yuta had never done him any harm. Ten didn’t even know the bloke—and yet here he was, picking a fight with a stranger? Because of what? Ten didn’t want to think about why. The reason too evident if he looked any closer. Ten would prefer to turn a blind eye.

Yuta pressed his lips together, and Ten caught a wink followed by a smile in Sicheng’s direction as the other had indirectly complimented Yuta’s arse. _Smooth_, Ten thought, trying to calm himself down.

Yuta sighed, shifting his weight to his other leg as he said: “Look, I did not come here to fight. I meant to see my boyfriend and bring a treat, nothing more nothing less.”

“Sorry about that,” Ten tried, feeling a bit bashful.

This was stupid. Ten didn’t care about Yuta, and he definitely didn’t care about his connection with Johnny Suh.

“Anyway—you didn’t say you were boyfriends already?” Ten said, voice a bit more cheerful as he was pleased to find another reason to tease Sicheng, who was already walking up to Yuta, putting his hands on his shoulders, pushing him slightly towards the door.

“We said we were discussing that _in_ _private_”, Sicheng said under his breath but Ten could hear it clear enough, suppressing a chuckle, glad that Sicheng was able to turn the situation around a bit.

Yuta grinned in reply: “Oh, oh,” he commented with a kind smile on his lips, eyes only on Sicheng, “In _private_ he says,” he chuckled and turned to give Ten a wink, a soft giggle leaving him as Sicheng pressed on, opening the door with one hand.

“Don’t be too long!” Ten replied.

Ten should be more grateful to Sicheng, really. He’d remember to say sorry later on; about attacking Yuta all of a sudden. Neither of them deserved that.

_Who_ _deserves_ _to_ _be_ _close_ _to_ _someone_ _like_ _me_ _anyway?_

Perhaps he could pretend for a bit longer. Maybe Yuta knowing Johnny Suh didn’t bother Ten after all. Maybe it was fine. Ten would be fine.

  
***  


It was dark outside and Ten could tell Taeyong was _more_ than pleasantly drunk. It was evident in the way his grip on Ten’s arm was a bit too hard and his feet clearly not as grounded to the floor as they usually were with his typical photographer’s control on his limbs. Ten could swear Taeyong could stand as still as had he been carved in stone. He’d heard it was useful when shooting on film at least—all of that though, useless as Taeyong held onto Ten in the hallway for about a minute too long.

Ten had been in his room when his doorbell rang. As he’d opened the door he’d almost immediately been hit by Taeyong-hyung’s slender body. Arms circling Ten’s shoulder.

“Someone’s had fun,” Ten commented, a low chuckle escaping his lips.

Taeyong chuckled in reply.

“You could say. Do you want me to tell you about it?”

Ten laughed. He loved Taeyong drunk, he truly did. Taeyong’s alcohol tolerance was way lower than most people Ten had met—and that was saying something.

“You really want to tell me, huh? I guess it can’t be helped,” Ten said, not caring what the time was—if Taeyong wanted to tell him something, Ten wouldn’t be able to stop him, he’d sit at the end of Ten’s bed telling him all about it if he so had to, “Well, you could start by disentangling yourself from me and we could have a talk in my sofa, which, dare I say, is a lot more comfortable than standing here,” _and_ _having_ _to_ _hold_ _all_ _of_ _your_ _weight_ _up_, Ten’s mind added for him but he didn’t say it.

“Mm,” Taeyong complained, doing nothing to step back—but then, Taeyong only got more touchy and clingy as he drank.

“Come here,” Ten tried, guiding the two of them towards his sitting room.

Ten was satisfied when his and Taeyong’s arses finally touched the soft cushions.

Taeyong’s rambles couldn’t be stopped. He told Ten about how great it had been, how he and this bloke had talked about everything, covering music, art, even dancing, and how Taeyong had understood that the man was different from his exterior, all a facade. How this guy wasn’t just a man in a fancy suit—well, he surely _was_ that too if Ten was to believe Taeyong, but he was also interesting. Not only being another businessman in stiff blazers but clearly having his own dreams, ideas and concepts, wanting to be independent and not only being known for his parents titles and names. Cool demeanour slowly falling away as the evening had passed quickly for them—at least for Taeyong. But that wasn’t all; apparently he was funny too, kind and understanding—and that was when Ten knew Taeyong was in love.

Taeyong’s cheeks blossomed in a rosy red and Ten knew it wasn’t only due to the alcohol still in his system. Ten could see the way the boy on the other side of the sofa smiled as he talked about the guy he’d spent all evening and early night with. Taeyong’s eyes crinkling as he recapped a funny story he’d been told and the way his voice gave away soft sighs of contentment as he drifted away into his own memories of the night out.

Ten knew Taeyong had never been in a relationship. Taeyong had turned 24 this summer, and even though Ten was the younger (only by one year but still) he’d had his fair share of sexual encounters already when Lee Taeyong hadn’t had any. It wasn’t weird, or anything, some people took time to find the ‘right one’ or whatever people called it. Ten would never judge his friend for it, it was different for everyone—but then, Ten also had his guesses as to why Taeyong had stayed away from encounters like that. It wasn’t that Taeyong wasn’t attractive—because he was (Ten would have fucked him if it was for his looks only, but Ten would never have suggested it—would never actually have done it even if Taeyong would have been the one to ask. Taeyong wasn’t a conquest. Ten knew that. Taeyong was his best friend, and Taeyong deserved better than sharing Ten’s bed for one night—in more than a literal sense). Nor was it about Taeyong not acting in a sexy way because god he really could make everyone want him. Taeyong was charming and flirtatious in similar ways Ten was (and perhaps that was one of the reasons the two of them worked so well together), but Taeyong was also easily flustered, embarrassed and sensitive. It was something else that kept Taeyong from it. Ten had never really asked, but then he didn’t know if he ever had to. It wasn’t easy being gay, and Taeyong was wary of people’s opinions and had grown more uncertain the older he got. It worried Ten. Sometimes he could still see the boy crying his eyes out, not because he’d been hit, but because another boy had been hurt—because he sympathised with that, he _related_ to it. Taeyong had never said it, but Ten could easily imagine Taeyong’s voice telling him: _“It_ _could_ _have_ _been_ _me.”_

“Who’s the lucky one?” Ten asked, fingers playing with the hem of Taeyong’s trousers.

Taeyong’s cheeks turned impossibly more vibrant. _Yup,_ _definitely_ _in_ _love_.

“Uh.”

“Oh, come on, spit it out. You’ve been talking all night, not even pausing for a second to let me respond—no need to stop now,” Ten smirked.

“You know…” Taeyong started, eyes cast down as he gathered his hands on his stomach, elegant fingers fidgeting, “Uh… Jung…”

“Jung? Jung _who_?” Ten prompted.

“Jung Yoonoh.”

_Oh_. Jung Yoonoh. CEO of whatever his business was called, only son of a wealthy family, Johnny Suh’s best friend—_and_ _Taeyong’s_ _business_ _partner_ _and_ _crush_, Ten added to himself. Not everything was about Johnny Suh.

“You’ve spent a lot of time together recently,” Ten contemplated, “I thought you said it was _just_ work related though? Now you’re telling me the handsome fucker has stolen the rights to your prick? I hope he treats you like a princess, being all careful when he’s having your precious cock—“

“Stop.”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it?” Ten teased, unable to wipe his sadistic smile off his face.

“Just stop, Ten. It’s not funny.”

“Oh, you _have_ thought about it. It’s not only your prick he’s stolen, is it? It’s your heart as well?” Ten pushed at Taeyong-hyung’s legs, chuckling—but then.

_Shit_. For all the times Taeyong had treated him with kind and open arms, knowing how to comfort him without Ten even being able to articulate it himself—and Ten hadn’t been able to see this coming.

A single tear ran down Taeyong’s left cheek, face looking stern, as if the tear had been rejected existence within his body and was now being forced out into the cold air.

“Fuck,” Ten said, because he didn’t know what else to say.

He so wished he was better at giving emotional comfort, or even advice.

“Yeah,” Taeyong replied, and his voice was quiet, small and Ten hated himself.

“What did he do? I’ll fucking beat him into—”

“Ten, listen,” and Ten shut up, “He didn’t do anything. It was just that… we _have_ spent a lot of time together recently. We’ve had so much fun too, even if it was all just planning and installing for the collaborative exhibition,” Taeyong said and Ten knew that, he had seen how much joy this opportunity was giving Taeyong.

Ten had thought it was mostly about finally being able to exhibit his work, even if it wasn’t a solo exhibition, this was big, and especially for Taeyong who was just out of uni after all. He had all his life in front of him, and he’d already been able to get a deal with a gallery.

“I… I asked him out for a drink, after checking the last test prints today and it was lovely, really. I don’t know, perhaps I was too naive, perhaps it was just wishful thinking on my part because, Ten, I was so sure I had the situation under control. We flirted—or, I flirted. I thought he did too, flirted back at me. But then… he said ‘I can’t’,” and Taeyong’s voice broke.

It felt like something broke within Ten too. Because apparently nothing stopped reminding Ten of Johnny Suh. It was so similar though, wasn’t it? The way Taeyong described he’d thought Jung Yoonoh had flirted back—in the same way Ten had thought he knew what Johnny Suh had wanted. Wishful thinking, was that truly what it was? It seemed so easy for Taeyong-hyung to admit it, and yet Ten was so sure it wasn’t _wishful_ _thinking_, not on _his_ part at least. There was no way Ten was so uncomfortable with the whole situation because he himself wanted Johnny Suh—and not the other way around. Ten never really wanted anyone, he wanted something, and those things were all to do with his career and heading in the right direction. He didn’t need people, people came to him. That was the way Ten knew; the only way he knew of. Ten shook his thoughts of Suh out of his mind. This wasn’t the time for selfish contemplation.

“We held hands, and I know it wasn’t really _like_ _that_ but it lasted for so long, and still, he withdrew his hand and—“

Ten couldn’t do anything but ‘shush’ Taeyong and adjusting in the sofa so he could pull the other into an embrace. Ten petted Taeyong’s hair, dark strands soft between his fingertips. Too soft for this world.

“Ten… it hurts.”

“I know,” Ten replied.

***

Ten was on his way home from practice. Another busy day, and even if he’d been on the train for half an hour already his hair was still damp from the shower he’d taken afterwards. A tiny droplet falling down on his nose.

There was something comfortable with this, public transport. Busy people hurrying about with their own lives, too occupied with their own world to care about anything else. Ten was invisible there. Just like he was in a club. Too much noise, the loud rush of humans a comfortable cushion to Ten’s existence.

Ten was on his phone, checking on Taeyong-hyung.

TY  
  
I’m home in about an hour.  
  


TY  
  
I’m home in about an hour.  
  
If this is you telling me to come over, you better not come empty-handed.  
  


TY  
  
I’m home in about an hour.  
  
If this is you telling me to come over, you better not come empty-handed.  
  
Duly noted. I’ll bring chocolate cake and coffee.  
  


TY  
  
I’m home in about an hour.  
  
If this is you telling me to come over, you better not come empty-handed.  
  
Duly noted. I’ll bring chocolate cake and coffee.  
  
Deal.  
  


Ten only vaguely registered a voice some feet away saying: “Oh, no, no… there’s no need—“ but it was the words that followed that pierced through his very being.

“Please,” the other voice said, “I insist.“

Ten would always recognise that voice in an instant, wherever, over the noise of a hundred of other voices. It didn’t matter that he’d only met the person a handful of times. Ten knew voices well, he didn’t have to hear them very many times to be able to place them.

“You are too kind, young man,“ the first voice replied and Ten looked in the voices’ direction.

An elderly lady sat down as a lanky boy stood up to make room for her. Leaving the lady his seat. Ten’s breathing was getting quicker, blood thrumming underneath his skin, sweat prickling under his coat. The previous exhaustion from today’s practice nothing compared to this.

“No problem. Have a nice day,“ Johnny Suh said.

Ten might be cursed. In a city with close to 10 million habitants and Ten had to stumble upon the one he couldn’t stand to see again. Ten had never considered himself a coward, but in the face of hazel eyes Ten found it hard to swallow, his mouth dry. For a moment it seemed the world had stopped around them. Ten briefly wondered if people around them was seeing what he usually liked to look at himself: two people caught in their own world; too much between them but no time for words; everyone around them turning to background noise, debris.

The familiar voice from the underground speaker announced the next station, and even though Ten was usually able to register what was said Ten couldn’t hear where the train made its stop. He couldn’t possibly be home yet, it was too soon, and yet: Ten had to leave. It didn’t matter. This was his stop.

Ten stood up quickly, turned around before he could change his mind and headed for the doors, bumping into shoulders, elbows connecting with his chest and getting a few angry comments thrown his way but Ten didn’t care. He needed to get off before it was too late.

He squeezed himself through the closing doors, just making it in time. Ten could almost make out the concerned voice of someone beside him, a hand on his shoulder as they asked if he was okay or something of the like. Ten hadn’t even realised he was on his knees. _When_ _did_ _I_ _fall?_ Ten thought distantly as he stood up, wiping off the dust from his trousers. Ten had a small bruise on his left palm. It burned a bit.

Ten turned around; the train already gone. He picked out his phone from his pocket, glad he hadn’t dropped it on his way out. With his heart beating in his mouth Ten typed.

TY  
  
I’m home in about an hour.  
  
If this is you telling me to come over, you better not come empty-handed.  
  
Duly noted. I’ll bring chocolate cake and coffee.  
  
Deal.  
  
The chocolate cakes were sold out, and when I think about it I’ve already had enough coffee for today. I’ll make us tea. Btw, I missed the train, I’ll catch the next one.  


**JOHNNY**

“For real?”

Yoonoh asked with enthusiasm written all over his face, his attention on his best friend, as the two were sitting in the coffee shop and enjoying their Americanos just like usual.

Well, truthfully, it had been a while since Johnny had showed up here and actually took a seat.

Even without noticing it himself, the photographer had shown up not as much as before and then only had a cup to go. When he was asked about it, he always explained that he had shootings or meetings in other districts the past weeks and got a coffee somewhere else.

Or he excused it with not having enough time to stay, or he just did not feel like having coffee.

And he said it so many times that even Johnny believed these were the reasons.

Today though, he promised to spend the lunch break with Yoonoh, who suggested to go there again.

Yuta was very happy to see the two and even more when Johnny was picking a table for them while Yoonoh ordered the Americano.

The barista had almost jumped over the counter to hug him and also announced to come join them for a moment once Doyoung would show up to take the next shift. He had many many things that he wanted to share with the two it seemed and looked so happy. Perhaps he could give the two friends some of his positive vibes too.

At Forst however, Yoonoh and Johnny were alone at their favourite table. After chatting about a few things, Johnny had mentioned an invitation that he received this morning.

And it seemed that Yoonoh was very excited about this news.

“Yeah, I was surprised when I got it”

Johnny replied and smiled with less enthusiasm than the businessman but still enough to look pleased.

“Well, that’s really something big.”

His friend said and took an ice cube from his iced coffee , cracking it with his teeth.

“I know.”

Johnny responded shortly and saw Yoonoh tilting his head.

“Buuut?”

“What do you mean?”

Johnny had no clue and emptied his Americano.

“You do not seem that happy.”

“Ah I am. Do not get me wrong. It will be a great opportunity but also very exhausting.”

That made Yoonoh chuckle in amusement, knowing that events like this will draw a lot of fake people with attitudes there and Johnny was by far not any of them, but the one who had to endure the shows and act and smile all the time.

They had been at smaller events like that too and the business man knew how much Johnny hated them. On top of it all - it was a fashion based event, not exactly Johnny’s field of work.

“Most definitely. But you will get through this and have the chance to get a lot of important contacts for your work. You just have to go.”

Johnny’s hazel eyes were locked on Yoonoh as he repeated.

“You will go.”

“Yeah yeah, do not worry.”

He gave his friend a small smile and knew why the other would question it in the first place.

Yoonoh was worried about him. Ever since their conversation about the lacking inspiration, it appeared that the other was trying over and over again to motivate Johnny, giving him ideas, dragging him out and away from his desk at home. Even Yuta seemed concerned about the photographer and Johnny wondered if he and Yoonoh might have teamed up on him, because the two were constantly asking to do something together.

But nothing had helped so far.

Johnny could not find a way to overcome this artist block that had been more severe than the one before. If it had actually not just still been the same but got worse over time.

He had it back at one point - his inspiration - he felt it.

Every fibre of his being had known that once he met Ten…all doubts were gone.

He had so many ideas, so many plans, so much to work on.

Those plans were still there but felt less exciting. The exhibition had helped him with some attractive contracts.. but his ideas… and his quality were slacking.

Nonetheless, Johnny was invited to a very popular fashion event, where many important key people will attend and were looking for new faces and artists.

There had been a handful of people – mainly models – who had been discovered during these events before. Photographer’s not so much but he had to do what he could.

Realistic as he was at times, or especially when it came to his job – Johnny knew that he only had been invited, because of his recent work with a local fashion magazine.

Not that he was in any position to complain.

But he felt bumped about some circumstances and facts nonetheless.

And Yoonoh knew that.

That’s why he was trying to remind Johnny about this opportunity.

And the photographer was grateful for that.

“YOOO” Someone tabbed his shoulder and sat down next to him. Yuta just finished his shift just like he told them and Johnny glanced to the counter to wave at Doyoung who actually owned this place.

He surely was a businessman just like Yoonoh, travelling a lot but sometimes doing shifts himself to experience the atmosphere, getting impressions he would use for future decisions, hearing feedback of the customers. And this concept was working well. The coffee shop was really a successful establishment in this district and always well visited.

Once the owner waved back at the trio, Johnny turned his attention back to Yuta.

“You guys have no idea what happened to me.”

He beamed from one ear to the other and that could mean two things. He might have got a big job offer for his passion for dancing. But that would mean that he probably would not work here anymore for some extra money. The other option was..

“You’ve met someone”

His hazel eyes moved to Yoonoh who came to that conclusion much faster than the photographer. They exchanged a smile of approval before Yuta started to talk excitedly about his lover, a chinese dancer who had come here a couple of times and blew him away from the first moment he saw him. He told them about their first encounters, his attempts to flirt with the other and how happy he was when the other finally accepted his invitation going out with him and the cute pointy ear the other had, the deep voice.

Yuta really was on cloud 9 it seemed.

Things could work so smoothly sometimes – Johnny thought and smiled at his hyper friend.

He was happy for Yuta and patted the other’s shoulder.

“Congratulations. You should introduce him sometime.”

He said to the Japanese who nodded with enthusiasm.

Yoonoh seemed happy about this news too and the trio ordered more coffee.

This one was on Yuta.

Of course, Johnny’s friends would again both team up to assure Johnny that he has to take that opportunity and attend the party.

Yuta jokingly added to be willing to accompany him, but that would make his Winko jealous for sure. They chuckled about it but somehow it left a weird taste in Johnny’s mouth again, going there all alone. The invitation said to bring a partner along - a significant other. Firstly he considered to take Yoonoh along, it would be an opportunity for the businessman as well, but his best friend had refused the offer, because he wanted to avoid mouth propaganda of people questioning their friendship. Events like this were the worst to start gossip and his friend surely did not wanted that.

Why going alone there felt so off to thephotographer, he did not know. But the photographer got quieter ever since it came up again and just nodded so they would stop bothering him about this freaking invitation.

They spent another half hour in that coffee shop before Doyoung placed a bag on the counter and called for Yuta who jumped up immediately and jogged over to have a look inside.

Seeing the Japanese bow his head a couple of times, Johnny was curious what it was but the two found out quickly when Yuta announced to go visit his boyfriend. He was practicing not too far from here and could use some sweets from the counter here.

Then Yuta said his goodbye and was gone with the wind.

His present mood drop as well as having the opportunity himself now that he was not the first to leave, Johnny felt like going home as well.

Yoonoh asked to drive his friend home but he refused, rather preferring to take the train.

He used that one more often than the bus and found it quite relaxing actually in comparison.

At home he actually ordered himself a family sized pizza, somehow craving for something familiar, some kind of soul food, anything to feel comfortable enough and forget about his mental stress to not perform anymore and everyone around him having butterflies in his stomach.

He also opened a bottle of beer and turned on the TV, waiting for the food to arrive with no channel actually showing something interesting to him.

He stopped at a Food show and already felt so hungry. Luckily, his phone rang and he could see his mother’s name on the display, a smile showing because somehow this angel of a woman always did those calls when he was feeling the need for it but never voice it himself.

She must sense it, her timing was most accurate.

“Hey mom”

He said shortly and covered the waiting time for the pizza to talk with her and openly admitting to not having the best of times.

“Honey, you do well. Don’t push yourself too hard. We all have those phases”

“But over such a long time?”

“Well, maybe? Yes! I do believe that thinking about all of that won’t help you overcome it. You need to distract yourself, maybe do something else for a change, maybe do something you would not do usually, refresh your mindset to allow a spark to happen.”

“Mh, maybe, I don’t know”

“Have you met someone?”

“Mom,…”

“What?… I mean it’s been months since Sue.”

Johnny sighed, and licked his dry lips. Somehow always feeling weird to talk about his love life – if it would exist actually – with his mother.

“Not really, but I was not looking for it neither”

“Honey…”

“It’s fine, really. I will let you know when I found someone, okay?”

The photographer tried to assure her and also did not want to hear more things to contemplate about.

He could hear a sigh and knew that she knew as well, but giving up to bug him any further.

“Alright, alright. It’s up to you, Johnny.”

She replaced her usual sweet titles for him with his real name – that meant she was displeased, which made him say,

“I am sorry. I do not want to force myself into something I do not feel ready for. It will not help me with my artist block either, if that was your original thought. I need to fix this first, before I can think of anything else.”

That seemed plausible to him and also his mother, since she changed the topic to ask about Yoonoh. Somehow she always saw him like a son too. Perhaps for the same reasons that Johnny called Yoonoh his brother at times.

After talking about some more things, the delivery service arrived and they hung up. This call had helped his mood, feeling a little closer to home now and hopefully the food will continue that feeling just fine.

He did not finish the entire pizza though.

These times were over where he managed that, Johnny thought and put the rest on a plate and into the refrigerator, his mind drifting to a couple of moments that day, the talk with Yoonoh, the call with his mom, Yuta dating someone…

He needed to move on like them, trying to focus again and came up with the only thing that had helped him for a short period of time.

Johnny walked into his small room where he usually developed photos himself. It’s been too long since he spent lots of time here.

Most of the recent days when he worked was at his desk - digitally editing his photos. Only the best shots would actually be created in this small room. And the last Johnny developed were now in an envelope that he had not touched for at least a month or was it two already?

He walked back to the living room since it was more comfortable and opened it, taking out a couple of pictures from the Photoshoot with Ten – the last project where he felt that spark his mother mentioned. A smile showing as he admired the other, trying to recall the feeling he had back then, inspiration, their conversations, everything.

Damn, how many times did he want to get back there?

Knowing the outcome of that evening, he would actually try to stop Ten to walk out of that coffee shop which had been the last time he saw the model.

He had not known that this was their last interaction, his messages and calls not being answered.

Words from Yoonoh came to mind again to publish these photos because they were really good.

And Johnny was truly proud about them as well – but,.. not having contact with Ten anymore made him drop those thoughts.

He did not know what happened, why things turned out like this. And somehow it felt not right to do anything with the photos than appreciating them himself.

He sighed and placed them on the coffee table.

It did not really help to distract him, because it made it all too present again and even so it was not so late as usual, Johnny decided to just go to bed and call it a day.

Perhaps this fashion event would make him meet new people who can be of inspiration just like Ten did.

***

Two days passed with Johnny helping Yoonoh on his new project.

The business man was rotating but doing everything with passion and enthusiasm for the artist who he worked with.

It was admirable.

There was a moment where Johnny had worried about his friend though. Back when he and one of the artists he scouted headed out and got drunk.

The photographer was asked to pick them up since both had too many drinks that night and Johnny gladly did a favour for his friend who did such things all the time for Johnny as well.

It turned out to be Taeyong, the young photographer he met in the park the other day that led him to meet Ten as well.

They seemed to have had a great time that evening, at least Johnny felt like they got along nicely and only heard the morning after about a couple of details.

They actually had flirted.

Taeyong showed interest in Yoonoh, when he already admitted to Johnny beforehand that he was absolutely crushing hard on the other photographer.

It was the first time that Johnny had seen Yoonoh talking about someone with such sparkling eyes and a soft warm smile on his lips when praising Taeyong. It had been not just a fling – that was for sure.

With the two men sharing the same kind of interest in one another, there was nothing to worry about, right? In fact, this was usually a good thing, right? .

But his friend’s situation was a little… “complicated”.

And that had changed the mood that evening – a lot.

He remembered how nervous Yoonoh was the next morning, asking if he did something embarrassing, if he said something weird and all.

But truthfully, he had passed out before Johnny had even started the engine.

So in his opinion and observation nothing had happened.

Still Yoonoh was anxious to see Taeyong again and Johnny tried his best to assure his friend that the other did not seem upset and rather speaking fondly of Yoonoh that night.

Johnny remembered the way the other had looked at the sleeping CEO, how they leaned against one another in the back seat.

They looked good together – in Johnny’s opinion and would really love for his friend to finally find a partner as well. Yoonoh never had been in a relationship before, never dated someone for real. He was forced to fake being in a relationship. Back then his father and mother were starting to worry about him not having a girlfriend at the age of 19. Yoonoh was wealthy, successful, smart and very handsome.

To not worry them more and also covering the real reasons for it, Yoonoh had asked a friend from university to play along for one dinner with his parents. Of course he never revealed to her that he was gay or explaining much except for his parents pushing that topic.

Johnny was sure Yoonoh had told no one about his interests but him.

Not even Taeyong.

So Johnny could see how everything was a little awkward perhaps, but to his surprise – both seemed to move on quickly and still shared a great chemistry and passion for their collaboration.

For Johnny, it felt like they just royally liked each other and wanted to rather continue this friendship than anything else.

Sometimes good things happen when you least expect it – Johnny thought and kept supporting Yoonoh, but also the exhibition. As if he could do anything on his own at the moment anyhow.

It was late afternoon when Johnny said his goodbyes, receiving another offer – like always – that Yoonoh could drive him home. And – like always – Johnny denied it and preferred to take the train.

He should have accepted it that day…

***

What happened?

Almost an hour after his meeting with Yoonoh, Johnny was standing in the middle of one waggon, many people around him, confused just as much as the photographer himself.

Here he stood, unable to move, staring at the window where Ten’s sight had disappeared the moment the model had run off – again. He even saw him hurrying this fast to get away from him, that the Ten had stumbled. And all that Johnny wanted in this very moment was to ask - if he was okay.

Why?

The question was all too prominent on his mind and he only regained cautious about the here and now when the train stopped at the next station and he stumbled forward from the rough breaks, managing to get a hold just in time yet bumped into another person.

“I am sorry” He smiled apologetically and tried to cover everything up, bowing his head and actually getting the hell out of there himself once the door opened.

The fresh air was needed, he inhaled deeply, brushing his hair back and taking his cellphone out of the pocket.

Even so, this encounter was short, Johnny did see that Ten still had the same cellphone. It was the same case at least and he doubted that one would get the same old phone again, if he for example had lost the other. This had been one of the many theories of why the photographer was unable to contact Ten anymore.

In the time when new phone updates were coming out every year – it seemed very unlikely.

For a fashion oriented model and part of the entertaining genre…even more.

No, it was the same cellphone, Johnny knew it and with a bad taste in his mouth he clicked on the contact “Ten – the number”.

The sinking feeling in his chest told him that this was a bad idea. But he could not help it. He did not understand what had happened that made Ten change like that.

They had been good, they had fun, they had spent lots of time in a short row and just shared such good chemistry that the photographer actually wanted to be friends with the other.

And there was nothing that Johnny could think of that would explain Ten’s harsh reactions. Johnny needed answers. Anything to work with.

Click…

“The number you have called is unavailable.”

Johnny pressed his lips together.

This was it. There was no chance to deny anything anymore.

Now he had to accept the fact that Ten had blocked him and that just not only on his phone.

Johnny had walked home that afternoon, it took him almost an hour since he left at a station far away from his home. It got dark in the meantime.

This bothered him so much. All this negativity, all those thoughts, it was wearing him down.

That’s..

Why he no longer could create anything.

That’s…

What made him feel shackled.

It was… Ten.

He put his stuff carelessly into a corner and took off his jacket, pullover next and then his shirt.

It had started to snow on his way home, he was not particularly soaked but cold and actually put on something warmer to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling. The lights were still off and at the moment Johnny preferred it like that.

He sighed and rubbed his face, tired from the day but more tired of the thoughts in his head.

He did not know Ten that much. He thought he learned enough to like someone but at this point he had to face so many facts that he did not like.

Why had he been so elusive around the other?

And why did he have to find a muse for his daily doing, his passion, his job - in someone who no longer wants to know him?

It was all the same in a way… when Sue left him and took that cat with her.

Johnny could only watch them leave just as he watched Ten leave.

Suh noticed how anger had crawled up on him as he threw the wet clothing across the room.

Fuck all of this. FUCK.

Where should he go with all this frustration that had been fed well this evening. Johnny stomped into the bathroom and washed his face with cold water, trying to calm down, literally cooling off. But the water actually felt warmer than his skin since he walked this long in the snowy weather.

He looked into the mirror and wiped the water drops off his chin, intensely thinking of what to do next.

He will definitely not edit anything.

He will definitely not talking to anyone today.

He will definitely not go to this stupid fasion event that was around the corner.

Somehow it felt like he was punishing himself at this moment, unable to see it himself however. In fact.. Whenever there had been arguments, misunderstandings, struggles with another person, Johnny objected to his behaviour, seeing the fault in himself rather than the others.

They were all leaving because he was elusive and naive.

***

The next morning, things had calmed down a little.

Johnny stopped at the end of the park, bending on his knees and catching his breath after a long run. It was just what the photographer needed, pushing and distracting himself with sport.

It always had a positive effect on his mental health and that was royally needed.

He wiped sweat off his forehead and shook his legs a little to ease the burn of his muscles.

Perhaps, he pushed himself a little too hard, but nothing to complain about now.

After his breath got even again, Johnny decided to get himself an iced Americano and a cream cheese bagel at the coffee shop and walked in.

“Yooo, Johnny-hyung.. you’re here early today.” Yuta greeted him with a flashing smile that was hard to ignore. Johnny smiled back at his friend and the two greeted each other with a brotherly hug over the counter.

“Yeah, I went out for a run and now need some energy.” Johnny announced and saw Yuta already preparing the Americano.

“Iced this time.” He said and was craving for the refreshment there, his hazel eyes browsing the food plates.

“Oh… no bagel’s today?” he had to notice and his eyes got bigger like the one of a puppy.

“Pft… you really think we would neglect your american taste for one day? Not on my watch”

Yuta pointed at the plate of freshly made bagels with all kind of toppings and then winked at his friend.

“Told you, you were early.”

Johnny sighed in relief and already put the money and tab for the consideration on the counter, having the iced americano and bagel in his hands a minute later and leaving the coffee shop.

After the workout he felt renewed and hoped that he could turn this energy boost into his work, deciding to walk home and edit his latest photos.

Just when he arrived at his place, bagel already half eaten as he checked his mailbox, holding the food in his mouth as he browsed the different envelopes.

Bills, ads..nothing new.

“Hey Johnny?”

The voice was not new either, but came out of nowhere and was unexpected in all kinds of ways.

The photographer turned to see someone standing at the door that he had not seen or heard for in months.

“Sue.” Was all he said at that moment, confused about what this visit was about.

The answer came soon enough.

***

“Oh Johnny, this is soooo exciting.” Sue giggled and clung to the photographer’s arm like glue, wearing a way too short skirt and exposing top in his eyes as they passed the security that he had showed his invitation to.

He himself was dressed quite normal, way too normal maybe for a fashion event. But he was here to not just look stupid and out of place, but also to do some photos of the event himself. Truthfully, he never liked most people and the atmosphere of these fashion based events. And some days before he swore to not attend. But meeting his ex girlfriend as well as getting asked by his current contracted to do some photos for an article, there was not much Johnny could do.

Johnny wore a black cap, jeans and a shirt that just showed the logo of Yoonoh’s scouting company “NCT”, never missing out a chance to promote his friend, especially when he could not be here himself.

If Johnny was honest, he rather would have passed on this freaking invitation, but they were booked by names, so there was no way to get out of it.

Even less, when his ex girlfriend had showed up three days ago and seemed different than before. She was clingy and very nice to him, too nice for his taste to not believe that she actually wanted something from him. Johnny was not naïve, he witnessed her bad sides. She could be very manipulative and act like the situation requires.

But even being aware of these facts, he still allowed her to accompany him to the party.

It was just one evening and he knew that she did work hard to get recognition as a model herself. She starved, worked out, looking good, but somehow had not been discovered yet.

Even when she hurt Johnny, he could not neglect the fact that he had loved her once. On top of it, Johnny was not known to be a resentful person either.

And she seemed really happy and grateful about this chance, maybe this can help her greatly if she meets the right people. So regardless of what had happened, Johnny would be the last to deny her success because of old grudges.

Once they found table they had been assigned to, Johnny ordered them both champagner that she accepted with the widest smile. She looked good, Johnny had to give her that, but that was about it.

He could say with certainty that he was over her and that was assuring.

Just this evening, and then she will probably not call him again anyway. No hard feelings anymore.

“Thank you, love.” She said sweetly which Johnny just ignored, looking around as he sipped from his glass. It’s been months since he drank champagne, actually. It was at his own exhibition months ago. And still it will never belong to his favourite drinks, he just had to notice again.

“I’ll get us the next “

He heard Sue announcing, surprised that she seemed to have emptied her glass way too quickly.

“Not for me.”

Johnny said and pointed at his half finished one.

“I also have to work for a bit”

Sue nodded and turned around, heading to a counter where more filled glasses of the expensive liquid was waiting for her. Have fun.

Johnny dropped his attention for her and took out his camera, making some adjustments and doing some test shots of quiet random things in different lightning.

This setting will do, he thought and kept himself busy to capture the evening.

Click. Click. Click.

Some will turn out well.. Johnny thought as he checked the preview screen. He wished he had his laptop here for that, but couldn’t get it in. This will do for now.

He zoomed in on the preview photo to check the quality and sharpness as his eyes saw someone in the background of his motive. Someone familiar.

His heart had skipped a beat that moment when he noticed the markant profile of no one less but Ten – the number.

A shiver ran down his spine, memories of their last encounter in the train all too present to him, as Ten had ran away from him as if he was some sort of monster.

His hazel eyes now moved in the direction that he had captured in this picture and now saw the model in flesh several meters away from him.

Ten…

Johnny opened his mouth to call the other, but stopped himself when seeing that he was not alone.

Eyes narrowing as Johnny saw Taeyong at Ten’s side, both clearly enjoying the party together. They had looked different, both seemed to have dyed their hair. That‘s why Johnny had not noticed them sooner.

Click.

This time it was not the camera that made that sound.

Realisation had kicked in once he saw the two, his words came to mind the evening he had played the little game with Ten in the coffee shop.

“You and Taeyong are more than just business partners.”

Ten had admitted that it was correct, but now it was clear that it was truly way more than that.

Click.

The evening… when he brought Yoonoh and Taeyong home after they had a couple of drinks too many. Taeyong was not alone at home, someone opened the door for him. Even so he could not have seen who it was, the silhouette actually could have been Ten.

They… are more than just friends.

It was all clear now.

It was none of his business for sure. But in a way, it rubbed Johnny the wrong way. He remembered his talk with Yoonoh, he knew how deeply his best friend had fallen for Taeyong. Realising now that.. it was one sided and his friend maybe just had misunderstood certain gestures of the other photographer.

Taeyong couldn‘t be interested in Yoonoh.

He will be heartbroken. Shit. But Yoonoh needed to know, he deserved the truth.

Unable to do anything about this for now though, he finished his glass and saw Ten suddenly looking his way and their gaze met.

God, there was so much going on in this short moment.

Johnny tried to show a smile in order to tell the other that he was still feeling good about seeing the model, but Ten had looked away again so quickly, turning his attention back to Taeyong that it made Johnny hesitate to actually approach the couple.

What if Ten would run away again?

Johnny would have ruined the evening for them all.

So he just decided to stay where he was, suddenly not feeling like taking more pictures or doing anything really. Great. Now he looked like a fool out of place.

Perhaps he should leave, this place was not for him anyway and Sue seemed to be fine.. giggling and talking with someone she seemed to know just some meters away from Ten and Taeyong’s table.

Of course, he would be here, he should have been aware of this. Ten was a model with such a good reputation that it was rhetoric to think that he would not be invited. Even Sue mentioned what a big chance it was for her, that there would be so many potential business partner, directors, photographers and models.

Could it be that this fact was the most pursuing argument Sue said to Johnny that evening? Even without admitting it openly, this irritation he felt whenever it came to Ten was bothersome and effecting him for months now. Shit, he really needed to talk with him, having a chance to explain himself, he wanted to know what it was that made Ten hate him this much.

Perhaps a chance to meet him here had made him agree to go in the end. Not actually helping Sue, but that was easier to accept.

Speaking of the devil, his ex just returned to him.

“Ahhh this is such a great place, I have met Olivia, hadn’t spoken to hear in ages. Are you enjoying yourself as well, sweetie?”

Clearly she had more glasses of Champagne than him to call him that, but also running her fake nails through his hair to brush a strand of it behind his ear that had shown from under the cap he was wearing.

It was truly not the right timing, nor the right place, or the right way to approach your ex.

Why even?

Hadn’t she gotten all she wanted from him today?

Still the photographer smiled politely at her, not wanting to upset her, but feeling quite uncomfortable to be at such display in front of everyone, especially those fierce eyes that now gave him and Sue the attention that his camera got month’s back.

Most friends close enough to him knew what Sue had done to him, how badly he had been hurt by her attitude and words she chose when leaving him for someone “Better” and “more successful”.

Johnny gave the model hints about it.

What must he think now?

And inwardly he tilted his head to the side to avoid her affectionate fingers. Sue noticed his behaviour with a little frown but quickly leaned closer to him again.

The photographer did not really pay attention to her though, rather focused on the other table because somehow Ten was talking with Taeyong with a stirn expression. Something was not right there as well it seemed. He could see the tension in the other’s body language as the model stood up and was leaving the hall. Johnny now looked at Taeyong who seemed quite startled about this.

Everything seemed alright a moment ago and the fact that Ten had not run off directly after seeing Johnny, made him think that he was not the reason this time. Had they fought about something?

Absently about the bubbling around him, Johnny stood up.

Sue did the same and tried to block his path by saying,

“Johhhhhnyyyyy. What if I tell you that from everyone around here, you still. are the hottest guy.”

She ran her hand over his arms and planned to swing her arms around him, but he gently pushed her aside and left too – following Ten.

He had to run to actually catch up with the other, passing the reception and seeing Ten waiting at the counter where someone was looking for the other’s jacket. Thank god it was winter now.

“Ten..” Johnny said to get the other’s attention from the other side of the room, watching how the model grabbed his things and quickly headed to the exit.

Not again.

“Ten please…” He called as Johnny hurried to catch up, just being able to grab the other’s arm to stop him from stepping outside in the cold.

“Ten.. please… do not run away from me like that again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, we hope you're enjoying the story so far!


	5. Winter Interlude

**TEN**

Ten moved on. That was inevitable anyway. One of the few constants in his life that he couldn’t change. What Ten could change, he did. 

He dyed his hair. He knew he should probably have spoken with his agency about that before actually doing it. But? Why not? Ten was here, now, and there was this fashion party event thing coming up. Both he and Taeyong-hyung could need a break. Start new. New contacts, new opportunities. They deserved this.

“Is it even? What if I end up bald?”

“I still remember when you wanted to shave off all your hair.”

“This is not the time, Ten!”

Ten laughed. Taeyong could only blame himself.

Ten had got his hair done at the saloon the other day. The cut a bit shorter than before, an even line on his forehead, and all turned a neutral shade of grey. Sure, it hadn’t been cheap visit, but then, he didn’t have to stand in the bathroom losing his mind like his hyung seemed to be doing.

Taeyong checked himself out in the mirror again, trying to look over his shoulder to get a better look at the back of his head.

“There’s nothing you can do now, stupid. You can only wait,” Ten chuckled.

The bleach was in, and there was no going back.

“Easy for you to say,” Taeyong mumbled back and Ten tried hard to fight the next laughter that wanted to bubble up.  
He had already spent an hour or two trying to convince Taeyong he was doing the right thing—even though this was 100 percent _Taeyong’s_ idea. It was Taeyong who had insisted Ten would help him dye his hair, after all, not Ten. Ten had even tried to offer to pay Taeyong for a visit to the very same saloon Ten himself had been to but his friend had kindly declined, instead saying _“you can help me. Just make sure I don’t end up a leopard,”_ with a smile on his lips. So here Ten was: forced to look at Taeyong who seemed both excited and nervous at the same time, waiting for the bleach to do its job.

In the end it turned out fine—more than fine really. They were immaculately dressed for the event. Taeyong in a checkered shirt with a black blazer, Ten in a white shirt and a red blazer in velvet that matched Taeyong-hyung’s new hair colour. They were expensive looking. Only fitting for an event such as these.  
It all seemed fine. Light champagne and dull discussions—until Ten saw _him_. Johnny Suh. _Again_. This time in mundane clothing. Black shirt and a black cap. It shouldn’t fit him that well. Not that Ten cared. He didn’t. It was just an observation.

“That’s…” Taeyong asked beside him, and Ten nodded in reply.

Ten could feel Taeyong’s hand on his under the table, squeezing lightly.

That was when Ten saw the woman who was seated at the table with Suh. She seemed overly chatty, perhaps in comparison to the rather quiet photographer. That wasn’t the Johnny Suh Ten remembered. The person Ten had worked with had had a lot to say himself, infectious laughter and witty jokes.

“You okay?”

“Huh?” Ten looked back at Taeyong beside him.

“Ten?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

Ten couldn’t see what the woman said to Suh—he shook his head in reply, and soon she was on her feet again, moving away. Ten knew he should stay in his seat with Taeyong. But who knew what she was up to? It was the look on her face—something wasn’t right, and Ten needed to know what it was. Ten simply _had _to know. It could be about _anything_ after all.

”I’ll just… go get another glass of champagne,” Ten said as he excused himself from the table, shuffling out and following the woman towards the bar.

Ten licked his bottom lip as he placed himself within hearing distance from the woman. He was so sure he had seen her before. She could have been an assistant in a studio perhaps? He couldn’t place her face, but as her voice rang over the counter, ordering a glass of champagne it fell into place—just as another voice called: “Sue?”  
Sue. Ten knew her. Or well, _knew_ was perhaps not the right word for it. But he had seen her before, trying to get her foot into the high fashion industry. Ten had seen her trying to brag her way into the best jobs and offers with little to no experience. Ten didn’t mind, he knew this was how it worked. It was difficult to get good jobs and sometimes talking was the only way in. It wasn’t that she wasn’t pretty though, she was. She seemed the right height too—compared to Ten. She should probably have got more recognition at this point. Ten had met her the first time at an audition. It was another big name, a brand everyone wanted to work with—but this one would only offer jobs for two models, one for the men’s section and one for the women’s. He had seen her in the line for the women section, a bit divided from his area and yet she had made quite a big name of herself that day. Soon everyone at the audition knew about the high demand that was waiting for her in Paris, how this _small_ brand in Korea better give her the job since she could _barely_ fit it into her schedule as it was—and they would be _lucky_ to be working with her. It had been pretty clear from the start that it was just that, _talk_. The other models at the audition never got to know the truth, but as Ten had been picked for the shoot on his part he’d ended up hearing about her interview later on as she had nothing to show for her big words. This though, an event with guests of high positions might actually be exactly what she needed in her career. Ten knew there were art directors invited, photographers, casting directors and managers. If attending could bring her better offers in the future Ten was happy for her. He didn’t have time to think any less of her for trying in the way she did. They all did. It was a harsh competition, one did what one could in order to survive.

“Hi!” Sue greeted the person who had called for her and as the other one (another tall woman with a pretty face and slim figure—most likely in the modelling industry too) approached her they exchanged kisses at each other’s cheeks, soon both with new champagne flutes in their hands.

“Isn’t that, Suh? The one you dated for a while?”

_Dated?_ Ten thought. For some reason he couldn’t picture her with Johnny Suh. Or perhaps it was that he could. From an objective point of view they were both tall, handsome, gorgeous and absolutely breathtaking. Maybe it was a bit too easy to see how well they fitted together. And anyway, perhaps all of what Ten had heard of her only spoke to how ambitious she was. Ten didn’t actually know her, after all.

“Yeah,” Sue replied, sighing and Ten could swear it was the way one would emphasise a particular rough patch in life.

“Why are you here with him?” the other model asked and Ten couldn’t help but wonder the same.

Sue rolled her eyes before replying: “Because I needed to attend to this party today, this is my chance and he is easy to manipulate, really, never got over me—I believe so I have him wrapped around my finger.“

The other girl chuckled in clear amusement. Ten felt a flame ignite within him.

“So mean—but, if he is that naive…“

Sue seemed to consider those words for a moment.

“Actually,” she said, “I consider to give him another chance with me.“

“What? Why?”

“Hm, I sense that he might be able to help me, since he’s gained some fame lately. You know he was actually not bad in the first place, like in bed and all. He just didn’t have a suitable bank account for my taste. But since he got invited to this event, he must have some kind of breakthrough and I am all here for it.”

Ten wanted to slap what-ever-her-name-was-Sue in the face. It didn’t matter that _that_ wasn’t suitable, but it seemed like the kind of wakeup call that that woman was in need of. It had absolutely _nothing_ to do with Johnny Suh, but the fact that someone would talk about _anyone_ in that tone? Using those words? That was absolutely horrendous. Outrageous. _Isn’t she ashamed of herself?_ Ten thought, pure hatred streaming through him as he gave her another look.

Still, there wasn’t anything he could do. Not at this point, and Ten went back to his seat by Taeyong.

“Didn’t you go to get more champagne?”

Ten looked at Taeyong. _Shit, I forgot.  
_

“Uh, I realised I’ve probably had enough already.”

“Right.”

Ten licked his lips. This was bad. The flame that was burning within him seemed to want to start a fire. Ten didn’t know what was worse. That he had to be in the same space as Johnny Suh again or the fact that his girlfriend _Sue_ had an ulterior motive for staying by his side. It was stupid that this unsettled him. He just had to take a breath, calm down, and get his thoughts in control again. Ten just had to stay through another hour or two.

“You don’t have to stay.”

Ten’s eyes snapped back to Taeyong again. Sometimes he forgot how well his friend could read him.

“You sure?”

“Quite positive.”

“Do you think less of me?”

“I don’t know what you’re on about—what I do know, is that you look as if you’re ready to throw the next champagne flute to the ground, or—scratch that, you look as if you’d want to throw it at someone.”

“Unsettling how on point that was.”

Taeyong gave out a light gasp as he covered his mouth with his hand. Looking as if he wanted to say something like _shit I meant it as a joke_.

“I know you,” Taeyong said instead, as he lowered his hand, a serious look in his eyes.

“I know.”

“It’s fine. I can handle being on my own. I might need the opportunity to get more contacts anyway, and if you leave I have more reason to pick up a chat with someone,” Taeyong gave a quick smile.

“You’re a blessing.”

“I know. Now, off you go.”

Ten didn’t need to be told twice. Even if his body was tense Ten stormed out the only way he knew how, and as fast as he could. Running away seemed to be his go-to option. Not that Ten knew what he was running away from at this point. Superficial people and their uninteresting conversations? Spiteful people with unethical intentions? Ten didn’t know, but he was definitely not leaving because of Johnny Suh and _his girlfriend_.

Ten rushed towards the door, finally finding his coat in the ocean of different colours and materials, he grabbed it close to his chest and hurried towards the front door before anyone would notice his leaving—and that was when Ten felt someone grab his arm just as he had opened the door to step outside, preventing him from going all the way out. It was raining, and with the door half open it was coming in through the door, creating a small pool by the threshold. Snow melting away and Ten heard the words leaving the one behind him, voice so very familiar. Ten turned his head, body frozen in the act of running away.

“Suh…” Ten said, voice quiet.

The grip Johnny Suh had on his arm softened and Suh walked past Ten to face him, standing in his way to go outside—away.

“Is that all you have to say? Am I just a name? I…“ Johnny Suh trailed off, as if there was too much on his mind, thoughts clouding and making it difficult to pick the right ones, “I gave you so much more than just my second name…“

Ten swallowed as he looked into Suh’s—Johnny’s eyes. Johnny. _His name is Johnny_. Ten knew that, and it was true. _I know_, Ten wanted to reply, but didn’t dare to. Because he did, Ten did know. They had opened up, talked about small seemingly nonsensical things. They had worked together. Johnny opening up about a few personal things—Ten too, Ten had done that too. Ten was afraid of everything he wanted to project onto Johnny. _I have to stay realistic_.

Ten opened his mouth to reply, but closed it again, wetting his bottom lip with his tongue instead. What could he possibly say? The tall boy before him pressed his lips together.

“What have I done?” Johnny blurted, “What did I do wrong? Please tell me… I… I am sorry if I did anything that hurt you in a way. Please…“

Ten tried to smile, he didn’t know if he managed.

“That was never it,” Ten said, because it was true, “you did nothing wrong. It was never you.”

“Then… why?“

A small laughter cracked out of Ten but he could hear what it sounded like, broken. That was what hurt the most. The truth Ten feared to face but knew was there. The truth he preferred to ignore. Look the other way when the pictures were published. The truth he couldn’t avoid anyway, day after day, still there, staring him into the eyes when he looked into a mirror.

“It was never you,” Ten repeated, “you’re thoughtful, kind, caring… you have brilliant friends, who care for you, a job you’re passionate about,” Ten smiled, suddenly he felt so, so tired.

In the end, it was easy to tell the truth.

“You’re simply too good… It’s me,” Ten took a breath before continuing, snow being washed away from the ground, “I’m the fuck up,” he took a deep breath.

This was it.

“I shouldn’t be around someone like you.”

“You? What do you mean?“ it was clear that Johnny didn’t fully comprehend what Ten had said, not with the way he continued: “You are not fucked up!“ the protest came and Ten wanted to believe him when he placed both of his hands on Ten’s arms, “You are you… remember?“ and Ten felt like crying, “Whatever foolish thought you had, it’s not true,” Johnny continued, “I like you Ten/10. And you can’t decide for me whom I want to have around me just like that. It’s not working like that.“

Ten bit his bottom lip, eyes cast down as Johnny had finished talking. _He doesn’t get it._

_Well, that’s the thing_, Ten thought, _I can. I can decide that, and I must. Because you’re not making the right decision __for _you_—so I must, for _us_.  
_

“I can’t…” Ten said, although it came out as a whisper, the memory of Taeyong’s conversation with Jung Yoonoh on Ten’s mind and suddenly Ten understood the man he’d been so upset with just a few days back.

_This was what he meant_, Ten thought.

“What did you say?“ Johnny asked, and Ten closed his eyes when he realised Johnny mustn’t have heard him. 

Breathing in. He opened his eyes again.

“I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t do this,” Ten pulled away from Johnny’s grasp, using the moment of surprise to run past Johnny and out in the cold, coat still in his arms as he ran as fast as he could.

***

Ten would have done everything to be there for the opening of the exhibition that would be featuring Taeyong’s work. He truly would—except, it was Jung Yoonoh’s exhibition. Jung Yoonoh was Johnny Suh’s best friend. Not that Ten cared about Johnny. And yet, Ten couldn’t make himself go to the opening. Too afraid of the _what ifs_.

“Hyung,” Ten said, a stupid drama playing on the tv in the background that none of them seemed to pay any attention to.

“It doesn’t matter, Ten.”

“But it does—it does to me.”

“Then go with me anyway?”

Ten bit his bottom lip. That was it? Wasn’t it? Ten could just _go_ if he really didn’t care about Johnny Suh’s _possible_ presence at the opening, being a photographer and Jung’s friend it would only be reasonable for him to be there really. Just like Ten wanted to be there for Taeyong-hyung. Ten didn’t care so why would it matter if Johnny was there or not?

“Don’t worry, Ten, I get it.”

Ten looked up and met Taeyong’s eyes. Brown doe eyes meeting Ten’s and Ten didn’t know if he’d ever hated himself as much as right then. This was the truth of his own selfishness. His own cowardice that he was too proud to even acknowledge himself, still, insisting even to himself that he didn’t care about Johnny bloody Suh. And yet he did. Ten did care. Enough to not be able to attend his best friend’s—his _only_ friend’s—first _real_ exhibition.

“You don’t have to be there. I can do things on my own, you know. I don’t need you to babysit me,” Taeyong cracked a smile but Ten knew he was keeping things from Ten, feelings he wasn’t showing him right now.

“Yes, yes I do. I do have to be there.”

“Don’t be stupid. You don’t want to go, and anyway—if you’re there, I won’t have a chance…” Taeyong trailed off.

Ten hummed. Perhaps there was still hope for the shittiest friend in the whole fucking universe. _Thank fuck for Lee Taeyong for being able to change topics_.

“True, I’d steal all the spotlights,” Ten teased back.

Taeyong pinched Ten’s arm and Ten allowed himself to give in to a short laugh.

“Don’t even try!”

“You’re right—if I’m not there you’ll definitely be the hottest guy in the room. Don’t say anything—” Ten hushed Taeyong-hyung up by pushing his index finger to his friend’s lips, “I don’t have to see any of the other artist’s to know you’ll be the best looking one. If Jung Yoonoh can’t man up and take the chance he’s not fucking worth your time.”

Taeyong pushed his fist playfully into Ten’s side.

“Shut up.”

Ten laughed. Taeyong was too kind to him, allowing Ten to continue with his lies. Play pretend.

Ten walked Taeyong to the door and waved him off. _Jung Yoonoh, you bloody well must take care of Taeyong. Please be the friend I could never be to him_.

***

Ten had been walking up and down the sidewalk the past hours. Perhaps it was stupid. Especially considering they were _never_ at Taeyong’s place anyway. It was always at Ten’s, but it was the least Ten could do for Taeyong—at least he could show up when the opening was over and welcome Taeyong home and celebrate the end of his day together. Ten would go to the exhibition one of the next upcoming days, but there was always something special about the opening. That was why he’d brought a bottle of wine and two orders of Kalguksu from Taeyong’s favourite place in two containers in a bag and was walking up and down outside of Taeyong’s apartment block. The food had already gone cold but could easily be heated as soon as they came up to Taeyong’s flat. It was plausible that Taeyong would accept an offer to have a drink with the other artists after the show but Ten would wait anyway. Knowing they both enjoyed a nightly meal for occasions like these. no matter the time.

It was cold outside and the wind tried to continue its harsh dance against him, turning and shifting, but seemingly without a plan. Ten burrowed his hands deeper into his coat pockets. Slowly turning to walk back up towards Taeyong’s front door again. There was a car driving past him and which stopped just outside but Ten didn’t mind it. Ten was imagining the satisfied expression on his friend’s face. Taeyong would like the food, he’d appreciate the thought—and that was when someone stepped out of the car. The silhouette lit by street lights. It was too dark to make out much, but Ten could tell it was a young man, properly dressed. He went around the car and opened the door, some words were spoken but Ten couldn’t really hear anything, until he was close enough to catch the reply to whatever had been said: “Always too kind,” the voice said, dark and light at the same time, a bit raspy, a comfortable presence that Ten would always associate with home.

Lee Taeyong walked out from the passenger seat, giving a small bow with his head in the man’s direction—Jung Yoonoh—and Ten stopped in his tracks.

_The_ Jung Yoonoh closed the car door with a thick thud and Ten could only follow the businessman’s motions as Jung reached towards Taeyong—and took his hand in his, lifting it to his lips and pressing a closed mouthed kiss to the other’s knuckles. The act so soft. Pure. Ten felt like he was walking in on something extremely private. Ten should probably walk off.

The two of them started approaching the very front door Ten himself had been heading towards—that was when Jung Yoonoh and Lee Taeyong too, froze in place, mirroring Ten as they came face to face with each other. Too late to turn away.

“Oh…” was what left Jung Yoonoh’s lips as his eyes met Ten’s.

Ten flicked his eyes to Taeyong.

“Ten,” was all that Taeyong said, Ten’s name rolling from his lips in a whisper, almost too quiet for Ten to hear.

Ten was aware of the way Jung Yoonoh looked between Taeyong and Ten. Ten wondered what the other must think. Why hadn’t Ten just stayed away for the day? He could easily have visited Taeyong again after the day Ten would actually go and see the exhibition—tomorrow most likely, and that was definitely soon enough. He and Taeyong could easily have gone together and Ten could have insisted on taking Taeyong out to his favourite restaurant instead of bringing cold takeaway to his door uninvited. This: Jung Yoonoh _holding_ Taeyong’s hand in his—that was everything Ten would ever have wished for his friend. Ten wanted Taeyong’s happiness—and yet, why did it hurt to see them together? Ten silently cursed himself. The selfish part of him ever as persistent, always there to ruin everything. Why did it hurt to see Taeyong happy? It wasn’t as if Ten had assumed Taeyong would stay single for the rest of his life, always coming by Ten’s flat whenever he had time and prefer to spend time with Ten rather than any of his other friends. It wasn’t as if Ten himself didn’t go out with people all the time, it wasn’t as if Ten hadn’t dated whilst still being Taeyong’s best friend—it wasn’t like that, or was it? They were a constant. Ten and Taeyong. They’d stay the same, together, even if the world would be in ruins. They’d stay strong together—that was how it was, how it would always be—wasn’t it? Ten worried his bottom lip. What if Ten had been so spoiled with Taeyong’s presence that he had given in to the most foolish trap: believing that he had something that wasn’t temporary. Ten and Taeyong—a permanent duo. Ten only had himself to blame. Taeyong wasn’t his answer. He couldn’t be Ten’s answer. He was someone else’s. Quite literally, if the sight before Ten was saying anything.

Or—was it the fact that Taeyong, despite his own battles had dared to take a step towards _something_ that Ten couldn’t. Something risky. Something fragile. Precious.

Ten tried to shake the thoughts away. This wasn’t about Ten. It was about Taeyong, and for perhaps the first time Ten saw it clearly. _This isn’t my place_. This wasn’t where Ten was supposed to be. It never had been. Ten never visited Taeyong’s flat. This was for Jung Yoonoh—not Ten.

“I didn’t mean to… interrupt,” Ten managed, finally, voice sounding uncertain even though his intention had been to be as assertive as possible.

Ten could see Taeyong’s hand giving a light squeeze on Jung Yoonoh’s hand.

“You…” Jung started, his own fingers brushing over Taeyong’s knuckles in a silent reply, “You didn’t interrupt. I was just about to accompany Taeyongie to the door.”

_Taeyongie_. Ten’s breath hitched despite himself. This was everything he had ever wanted for Taeyong-hyung. _Why do I have trouble breathing?_

“No, really,” Ten tried again, giving a small smile to try to make his words more insistent, “I was just passing by anyway—I, I should probably… go,” Ten smiled apologetically, tears stinging in his eyes.

_That’s it, Ten, for once you’re doing the right thing_.

“Taeyong-hyung’s clearly in good hands,” Ten said, adding a wink for good measure.

_Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry_. Ten turned on his heel. He had to get away from here—and that soon. He was afraid his emotions would betray him. What would Taeyong think of him if he saw Ten cry? How would Ten explain that? Could he call it happy tears? But it was Taeyong he was talking about—_hyung won’t believe that, and you know it_. He had to get away.

“Ten,” Jung Yoonoh’s voice called and even though Ten was already on his way, back turned towards them, Ten could hear Jung’s step forward as he called after Ten, “This is… ah…” he trailed off as if unsure of what to say next but Ten was set on getting away, he had to get away, “We… are… uh…” Jung continued to mutter but Ten only took another step away from them, “Please don’t tell anybody.”

That was the second time something with Jung Yoonoh made Ten stop in his tracks. He spun around on his heel again, the threat of tears completely forgotten.

“Pardon?” Ten asked, taking a step back, closer to Jung Yoonoh too to fully face the other.

Ten’s eyes searched Jung Yoonoh’s.

“What did you say?” Ten repeated his questioning.

After everything. Taeyong here, finally being able to chase the happiness he deserved, finally _getting_ it—and here was Jung Yoonoh having the nerve to not being able to give Taeyong his happiness wholeheartedly? Even Ten could do fucking better than that. Taeyong deserved better than that.

Ten looked in Taeyong’s direction, but hyung’s eyes in turn were only on Jung Yoonoh. It worried Ten—the look on Taeyong’s face: wary, insecure, almost.

Jung Yoonoh cleared his throat.

“I kindly ask of you to not tell a soul about this. We… Well…” Jung Yoonoh looked over his shoulder back on Taeyong as he continued, “I… have to sort things out and need a little time.”

Ten took a step back, eyes only on Jung Yoonoh. _He’s got to be kidding me_. Here he was, standing in front of a man who Taeyong—Lee Taeyong, his best friend—_only_ friend’s love. Taeyong’s feelings finally being reciprocated, and here was Jung Yoonoh, not wanting to give his everything to Taeyong.

_You can’t even say it yourself_, Ten thought, disbelief flowing through his veins as he looked at Jung Yoonoh. _He doesn’t even dare call Taeyong his boyfriend_, Ten thought, _not even to himself, not even here, with only the three of us around, he hasn’t been able to say it—then how the fuck will he be able to tell anyone at all?_ Taeyong deserved so much better.

“Ten.”

It was Taeyong’s voice, a low warning echoing his name once again and Ten realised that he must have said some of that out loud. _Shit_.

“Just as you can’t even tell Johnny what’s going on?”

_Shit_.

Jung Yoonoh’s voice sounded defensive, of himself or for his photographer friend, Ten didn’t know.

“Well, yeah. I can’t. But you don’t know anything about me so you better not judge me too early for my actions or possible intentions,” Jung continued, stepping back and pulling Taeyong gently to him, “My intentions are good, believe it or not.”

Ten felt like a tiger kept away from his cubs for too long, aggravated and restless, ready to protect—attack, if he must.

“They better be,” Ten gritted out, “I’ll hold you to that,” Ten looked Jung Yoonoh in the eyes.

_You better not play with me_.

“Don’t act as if you’re above any flaws,” Jung Yoonoh retorted in an instant, “How could I possibly want to hurt the man I love from day one?” he looked back at Taeyong—a heavy sigh leaving his lips, frustration clearly written over his features,

“Perhaps you two should talk,” Jung said, seemingly speaking to Taeyong, “I feel like my presence is not doing any good right now.”

Still, Ten couldn’t let him go without having the last say in this.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Ten tried to make his voice lighter even though it all came out through his teeth, “I have flaws enough for the two of us,” he allowed, giving a short nod in Taeyong’s direction, “he deserves better. So, I’m sorry if I want to make sure you won’t let him down. I owe him that much.”

Ten could hear Taeyong’s words, spoken to Jung Yoonoh alone: “You don’t have to leave.”

“I will not let him down,” Jung replied, voice calmer than Ten would have preferred it.

Ten hated it, being the one out of control.

“I believe we both want the best for him, and this right now, is not good for any of us,” and then in a softer voice Jung directed the next words to Taeyong: “It’s for the better…” and Jung Yoonoh turned towards Taeyong, cupping his hands, palms soft against Taeyong’s cheeks as he gave a weak smile, “Please don’t worry, okay? Remember my promise.”  
It felt like something was breaking within Ten as Taeyong gave a small smile in reply. It was the most selfish thing, but all Ten wanted was for Taeyong to come back to him, to Ten’s arms. A place that was safe, that they both knew. That was the one permanent thing in a crumbling world.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong whispered as he in turn put his hands over Jung Yoonoh’s.

_I’m sorry_, Taeyong had said. _He’s sorry for me_, Ten realised. It was a stab to Ten’s heart. The heart he’d locked away and pretended didn’t exist. But then—Taeyong had always been an exception. _That’s for allowing yourself to be weak when it comes to him_, Ten thought, _but you want that_, his mind provided, _you can’t not be weak around him_.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, love,” Jung Yoonoh assured and Ten could only stand there, watching as Jung leaned in and kissed Lee Taeyong on his lips, “Today has been exhausting to you, but you did amazingly. Promise to rest well,” Jung then let go of Taeyong and turned instead to Ten, giving a nice, calm bow, all previous grievance seemingly gone, “I’m sorry I upset you with some things I said. It’s not my business but just as you protect Taeyong, I have my responsibilities as a friend as well. No hard feelings. Good night,” and with that he turned back to Taeyong, a warm smile on his lips, “I’ll call you in the morning.”

Jung Yoonoh walked off towards his car but Ten caught Taeyong’s reply before the other had left: “I’ll wait for you.”

The steps and wait in the lift were all heavy, quiet. The air thick as they moved as if the world had turned to slow motion, movements sluggish. The hallway echoed every action as Taeyong locked the door after them. Ten threw the bag into the fridge, not sure if they would be wanting any of the food tonight.

“I’m sorry,” Ten started, knowing he had to—wanted to be the one to start.

“Don’t be.”

“Don’t just say that. I mean it.”

“I know you do, that’s why you shouldn’t say it.”

Ten looked into Taeyong’s eyes, sitting down on a chair heavily as Taeyong instead dropped down on the sofa—bigger than Ten’s. Reasonable, really, considering that Taeyong shared his flat with two others. Two other students—both majoring in music. Ten guessed that was why Taeyong had felt at home with the two others in the first place, always having a weak spot for music.

It seemed the flat was empty—or both of the others were already fast asleep.

“But I am, Taeyong-hyung. He’s right… Jung Yoonoh. There’s a lot I don’t know—which takes me to; _hyung_, you have a _boyfriend_?” Ten smiled.

It was easy enough. Ten didn’t know how he could have been so afraid of losing it all just a few moments ago when it was clear how eager Teayong was for keeping this the way they usually were.

So Taeyong told Ten everything, or the most important parts anyway, about how the opening had gone splendidly really, and with pink tinted cheeks had the red head told Ten that he had indeed got a few compliments on his works but nothing could compare to the shade Taeyong turned when it came to how the evening had ended.

Jung Yoonoh had insisted that they’d all leave and he’d take care of the mess they had left behind alone, all those empty champagne flutes and whatnot. Even as the others had insisted on helping out too, Jung had simply replied “Of course,” and let them all scatter into bars and whatever continuation of their celebration they wanted to go to. Taeyong had waited behind, and as Taeyong was telling Ten about it Ten went over to join Taeyong in the sofa, pinching his ankle to squeeze down beside him with a: “So you were in to get him tonight?”

“No! Of course not!” Taeyong gave out a soft laughter and Ten joined him, them both trying to keep the volume down as to not wake the household.

“I don’t know,” Taeyong said, “Yoonoh’s seemed… low. I wanted to talk to him. Make sure it wasn’t something I’d done, you know?”

“Of course,” Ten replied, winking to his friend and ignoring the tug of familiarity.

A memory of someone else echoing inside Ten.

“Oh, shut up and let me finish!”

Ten laughed as loud as he dared to.

“Okay, okay, go on then!”

“So, as I was saying. I was standing there, outside the exhibition. Tapping at the window, and Yoonoh opened the door, he said ‘You forgot something?’. I replied, ‘Oh, I don’t know. My boyfriend, maybe’,” and Taeyong’s cheeks put his hair colour to shame, “He… he actually thought that I meant you, for quite some time I think he was so sure you were my boyfriend.”

Ten’s laughter died down and he looked back at Taeyong, meeting his friend’s dark eyes.

That had happened before. With the regular occurrence of Taeyong’s visits it had happened before that Ten had brought someone home, only to end up having a rather awkward conversation as the poor lad Ten had taken with him was to discover Taeyong: the constant presence by Ten’s side. Everyone ended up frustrated and confused.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ten. Don’t turn all egocentric on me.”

“What?”

“I know what you’re going to say.”

“And what will I say?”

“Probably something about how you’re better looking than Yoonoh,” Taeyong smiled.

Ten smiled back. No, he hadn’t thought of saying that.

“Yeah, you got me,” he smiled anyway.

Taeyong pinched Ten’s ankle in return. They laughed for a bit, Taeyong’s eyes crinkling and Ten felt happiness bubble within him in a way he had almost forgotten he could feel. Lately it seemed everything was turning greyer by the minute—perhaps that was why he’d dyed his hair a similar shade in the first place.

“We kissed. At the exhibition. That was the first time,” Taeyong’s voice was calm, loving almost, in a way Ten had rarely heard his friend speak about anyone before, not even words of his sister were this gentle, tender even, “He’s never had a boyfriend either, before me,” Taeyong continued, blushing furiously, “he told me…” Taeyong pressed his fingers against his lips thoughtfully, eyes focused somewhere beside Ten and he seemed almost lost to his own memory, “‘I was a fool…’ he said, ‘but I no longer want to resist you. I’ve never felt anything like this right now’,” and Taeyong looked back at Ten, meeting his eyes, “Yoonoh told me he ruined his first chance with me. It wasn’t just me, Ten. He felt it too. Even back at the pub. I’m happy, Ten. I’m so happy. I know you want to protect me, but you don’t have to. We’re not kids anymore, and I can protect myself now. Yoonoh cares about me. I know he does. We promised to be patient with each other. I—” Taeyong chuckled, “I asked him to come up for a cup of tea but he declined. I was actually relieved when he said it. I think I need to take things slow too… I’m aware that there might be things we need to work through. Things that will take time, but if we’ll face difficulties—we’ll face them together.”

Ten licked his lips. _We’ll face them together_. That’s how it was supposed to be? Wasn’t it? Not handling things the way Ten did—simply running away, but standing up, fighting for something.

***

Then finally it was the day of Ten’s and Dong Sicheng’s performance. Ten’s hair back to black, fitting Sicheng’s better. Ten dressed all white, and Sicheng in black and grey.

Ten had awaited this moment for so long. Even if he had performed dance before, nothing could ever compare to this. This was perhaps the opportunity and moment of his life. No fashion magazine, no cover picture, nothing could compare. Ten had been counting the days for this. For a moment he had considered inviting his family to come and watch him—but then, neither his mother nor Tern would be able to come. The travel too expensive, and too far away, plus, Ten was pretty sure they were both busy enough with their own lives. And Ten didn’t want to bother his father. It was better this way. Instead he had asked Taeyong to come see him. Taeyong-hyung was the only family Ten needed.

“You okay?” Sicheng asked, almost bouncing with nerves beside Ten.

Ten nodded, smiling. He was, for the first time in a long time he really did feel okay. Maybe even more than okay—Ten felt good. This would be good.

“I am. You?”

“Mm, yeah. A bit nervous,” Sicheng said—Ten could tell.

“That’s okay. Me too. Proof that it means something to you,” Ten replied, giving Sicheng a pat on his shoulder.

The makeup artist came by and gave Ten one last dab of something on his cheeks, nose, and then they were in line to walk onto the stage. _This is it_.

The two solo performances was already done. Now it was Ten and SIcheng’s duo. The piano started playing, a gentle tapping like raindrops, soon accompanied by warmer tones as the string instruments came along. Ten breathed in as he turned around, coming face to face with Sicheng. The constant beat helping to keep them synced. It came natural. All the bundle of nerves Ten had felt before, dissolving into only the beat, the movements, the emotions as he let his hand guide him, gaze towards the ground. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Ten’s and Sicheng’s hands meeting, turning, sinking to the ground. The same movements coming together, meeting, shifting. Then the turn. Ten’s hand on Sicheng’s, throwing them off. Out of control. Teasing, forcing—the shake of Sicheng’s head. Ten’s hand moving them down together with Sicheng’s control of his own body to help them—the beat, a swift spin and Sicheng’s hand moving Ten instead.  
Ten put all his emotions into his dancing, reaching out again. Whatever he was reaching for—he wanted it, needed it, _craved_ it. And yet, Sicheng’s hand around his neck, the dark keeping him in place. A quick release. A turn. The change of tempo. Shifting into quicker movements. Things barely in control, and yet exactly as planned. The hopelessness, the longing, the confusion and decisiveness. All in this one performance. Ten felt in tune with every turn. Every change of his weight, every jump. And even though he and Sicheng had practised the same movements many times before they felt new. Raw. Ten’s emotions on display as he moved his arms, aligning them differently, shoulders changing. The break. The soft tenderness as Ten reached towards the ceiling—the sky, looking into it. The fight within. Clenching of his fist in his sweater and another try—reaching, once again. Letting his hands fall, one by one—and again. Quicker movements to the same beat again. Moving once again with Sicheng on his side, the air moving around them, hair whipping Ten’s forehead as he moved his head. The opening of his arms, trying to break free. A jump backwards. It was all there. Open for everyone to see. Even though the performance was made by them both, steps and turns decided between the two of them; Ten felt it all as if it was coming straight from within himself. Everything he didn’t know how to put into words, everything he didn’t _want_ to put into words. Breaking and locking his hands over and over on repeat. And then—the ending scene. Hands over his ears, blocking the outside world, the truth, everything Ten couldn’t bear to look at. The lock of Sicheng’s hand Ten knew happened behind him together with the beat—and the break, again, lock falling from Sicheng’s hands and Ten: now free, broken, and not ready to face the world.

Ten took the steps towards Sicheng, the lonesome string playing around him and the voices finally allowing him in, prompting him—Ten’s head, resting on Sicheng’s shoulder.

Breathe in, out, in, out. The music over.

The room was quiet for a moment. Sicheng’s fast breathing audible in Ten’s ear, his own heartbeat, fast but steady within him, echoed by the body beside him, Sicheng’s hand resting on his nape.

Then came the applause. Ten took a shaky breath. They had done it. Him and Sicheng. On a stage. A proper stage. Their own choreography. They had created, practised, perfected, and now performed.

Ten took a step back, smiling into Sicheng’s face. Sicheng gave him a quick nod, without words Ten could feel the words coming from his dance partner. The same proud feelings radiating from him. Together they turned to face the crowd, and Ten realised this was the first time he truly met their faces for the whole evening. He had been in his own world, dancing what he had felt within, what he had somehow needed to say, as if it was dependent on his life. Crucial for his survival.  
Ten smiled as he bowed with Sicheng beside him, a whispered _thank you_ on his lips, disappearing in the loud noise of people clapping around them. This was perfect. The worry they had felt before, all gone. It had gone better than Ten could even have hoped for.

Ten looked into the audience: first seeing the warm smile of Taeyong-hyung on the second row where Ten had placed him (Taeyong gave a short nod and Ten smiled back, eternally grateful for his friend’s support), and then continuing to search for the neatly cut hair dyed grey that Ten knew was somewhere in the crowd too. Ten couldn’t wait to see the look on Lee Taemin’s face. He just knew Taemin would be proud of them. Ten knew he and Sicheng had done well, probably better than any time they had practised before.

Ten searched, eyes flicking through the rows of people with kind or even stunned expressions written all over their faces. This was what he had wanted, for so long had Ten waited for this moment. To finally be standing before an audience who knew dance, could see everything he and Sicheng had put into their movements. _Where is he? Next row?_ Ten continued to look—and then: just as so many times before now, Ten’s heart missed a beat. Beside the now familiar face of Nakamoto Yuta was no one less than Johnny Suh. Of course the American would be there. Where else would he be? His existence forever haunting Ten. The one place where Ten had somehow thought he’d never see Johnny. He hadn’t even told Johnny he danced for goodness sake! _Why is he here?_ Ten was afraid he knew exactly why.

Ten hadn’t been able to stop thinking of the photographer since they had last spoken. The memory of the unfortunate ending of the fashion event still present on his mind’s eye whenever he closed his eyes. Ten hated the way he’d acted back then. Ten had blown it out of proportion. He knew that—and still he hadn’t been able to not act all dramatic for once in his godforsaken life. It was just like him to be like that. Ten didn’t have time to consider blaming that to be the reason for his next actions. He wasn’t dramatic, he wasn’t exaggerated. Ten did what he had to to survive. That was all.

“I have to go,” he said quietly, knowing Sicheng could hear him.

“What?” and Ten looked into Sicheng’s brown eyes, concern shading his features, “You can’t go, I know Taemin-hyung has prepared a celebration cake—cake Ten, _and_ we’re still on stage!” Sicheng bit out and even though the words were hushed Ten could hear the slightly frantic tone underneath.

Perhaps Sicheng somehow knew Ten better than Ten had thought his dance partner did.

And really, Ten was proud he managed to say anything in reply at all—Sicheng better be thankful he wasn’t just running out without any explanation at all: “I’m sure you’ll represent us both fine, you did great,” Ten tried to smile, because it was true, and even though he needed air he wanted Sicheng to know how happy he really was with their performance.  
But that was about as much as Ten could stay for—with one last bow, eyes fighting hard to not look back at the American again, he hurried off and away from the stage and the clapping audience—Sicheng on his heels.

Thank god there was the natural break before Ten and Sicheng were to return on stage to welcome a second round of applause, and Ten could instead, head towards the dressing room.

Breath quick and Ten felt it hard to breathe, instead of changing clothes and removing his makeup he only took his coat and ran towards the stage door. He had to leave—now, before the applause was over and the audience had had time to leave. He couldn’t stay one second longer.

With relief and his heart beating in his throat, Ten pushed through the door and away. He hadn’t had time to find Lee Taemin—or thank him, but there was still time for that. He’d do that later. First thing first, Ten needed air.

The wind was harsh, the cold biting at his skin, but it was better than the heated stage. Winter slapped him over his face and Ten wondered when he had forgotten that autumn was already over long ago. _Where did all that time go?_

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Johnny woke up with a jump as the vibration of his cellphone caused the device to fall from the coffee table. A little confused by it, Johnny sat up with a groan, rubbing his face picking it up and seeing several missed calls from Yoonoh.

This looked urgend, so he dialed the other’s number, checking the time while waiting for his best friend to pick up.

“Johnny?” He heard the other saying and he answered in a husky tone.

“Yep, sorry. I must have passed out on my coach.”

He heard the other clicking his tongue when saying with an amused tone in his voice

“I wondered what’s going on,it is past 12.”

“Shit, you were waiting for me for lunch…”

“Yep.” Came as a short answer to Johnny’s panicked question.

“Sorry, ” Johnny hated when he was this unreliable, especially to his best friend. How could this even happen? He went home; had a beer and was…

Eyes now browsing over the photos on the table of no one less but Ten. Right that was what he was doing and almost annoyed by his own actions he rolled with his eyes, putting them back in the envelope like a couple of times before.

“Johnny? What’s going on?”

Yoonoh sounded concerned, which was justified in a way. It happened rarely that the photographer missed a date.

“Just feeling tired 24/7, might catch a cold or something.” Johnny yawned and decided to finally stand up, walking to the window to see snowflakes passing it on their long way down. It was a cozy moment really, but a shiver ran down his spine. It might be the snow, or his tiredness that made him too sensitive to the temperature at this point or he truly was dealing with first signs of a cold.

But he remained there as he listened to Yoonoh.

“You need anything? Want me to come over and…?”

Usually, Johnny would refuse. He was not someone who was that cranky and whiny when catching a cold. And Yoonoh was already helping him on so many occasions that Johnny felt like he wouldn’t deserve any more of the other’s rare free time.

But with all that happened this night, the only thing that left his lips was.

“Please come.”

There was a pause on the other side and Johnny hated this weird vulnerable feeling in his chest, yet was relieved when without further questions Yoonoh just said.

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”

When the call ended Johnny decided to take the chance for a quick shower. He had just changed into comfortable joggers and a black shirt when the door rang and Yoonoh was standing at the door.

“Always on time, how do you do that?” Johnny greeted the other with a smile and heard Yoonoh saying,

“Uhm… my navi simple estimate my time of arrival”

“That’s not what I meant.” Johnny answered promptly and let the other in. Just like his mother, his best friend always got in touch with the photographer when it was needed.

“I’ll make coffee” he announced then and the two walked into the kitchen. While Johnny prepared everything with his french press, Yoonoh leaned against the counter, arms crossed, observing him closely. Johnny could literally feel the other’s eyes on him..

“What’s wrong?” The photographer heard the other’s gentle voice and he wondered how he could possibly sum up what was truly wrong.

He did not even know that himself at this point.

The pause before he answered was bringing up a heavy atmosphere, but Yoonoh did not push it, patiently waiting for his friend to be ready.

“First of all.” Johnny finally found his voice again as he prepared anything and now was just waiting for the water to heat up, turning to face his friend and leaning against the counter as well. “I will not go to such a fashion event ever again.”

“That bad?”

“Hm..” Johnny nodded and rolled with his eyes.

“How can people deal with this artificial environment.Ugh.”

That made Yoonoh smile.

“I know this is not your world. But I had hoped that it could help you in a way.”

“With what?”

Johnny asked prompted.

“Well, your inspiration. Sometimes doing something aside from your routines can be refreshing.”

He had heard something very similar the other day when his mother called and brushed his hair back while admitting. “Well, it did not. I feel so paralyzed in a way. Like.. everything is there, all i need to make pictures is in the same room but I am chained to something that will not allow me to reach my tools. Something is holding me back”

“And you do not know what it is…”

Yoonoh added and Johnny could only nod.

Not able to find a solution for that then, his friend chose to dig deeper.

“So how is Sue? Did you two have a chance to..”

“No.” Johnny interrupted whatever Yoonoh meant to say and scratched the back of his neck. “It was a mistake to bring her there.”

“How so?” Yoonoh seemed surprised.

Johnny pressed his lips together, pushing down the sieve of his press and the hot water turning to blackness. No sparks. No lights. Blank. Just like his creativity.

He noticed the much longer pause then and turned to Yoonoh who now really looked concerned.

“Sue is smart but obvious. You know just like me why she approached me, why she was sweet and charming just how I had met and fell in love with her before. But I have not forgotten her words when she left me.”

Yoonoh nodded, he was aware of it and actually showed Johnny a smile. “I knew it yes, but in a way I just trusted your good judgement in people. I still thought it was better than going alone in a way.” That made Johnny rose an eyebrow,

“Well, in a way you were right about that. I mean, we do get along. But not more, not anymore. She tried to flirt with me.”

“Really, huh?”

“Of course, who wouldn’t? I wore all black.” Johnny joked which made Yoonoh chuckle, the mood slightly lifting at this point.

The photographer filled the mugs and offered one to his friend, both men walking to the living room and making themselves comfortable on the couch.

“So, you wore all black and you tell me that nothing else happened? Where is the lie, Johnny?”

He chuckled at that but then stopped, running his finger over the mug, still too hot to drink it but it would have made the pause of the conversation a little easier.

“Hmmm.” He considered his words and recalling what else had happened, what majorly had gotten him down, what still bothered him beyond words.

“Ten was there.”

Now it was Yoonoh’s turn to add a pause.

And Johnny knew that what he was telling his best friend next was not something the other would like to hear.

“He was there with Taeyong.”

That caused an instant reaction on his friend, Yoonoh parting his lips, meaning to ask something, but Johnny quickly added.

“I am sorry but I think that.. Well.. I do think Taeyong and Ten are…actually dating.”

At this point, it was Johnny now who looked worried and concerned at the other.

Yoonoh looked shocked in a way, not happy about the news for sure and Johnny felt bad for telling them.

But he was like a brother to the photographer, he needed to know, he deserved to know.

“I am sorry.”

“Are you sure?” Yoonoh’s words sounded heavy and sad and Johnny nodded mildly.

“Pretty much. They went there together.. Just like Sue and I. And remember when I told you that someone opened the door for Taeyong the night I drove you two home? It could have been Ten. And uh.. I recall Ten confirming that his bond with Taeyong was more than just business”

Yoonoh sighed, chewing on his inner cheek, brushing his hair back before actually putting the mug on the coffee table, not feeling like drinking any of it, it seemed.

“They looked close. That’s all I can say for now, but I couldn’t keep that from you.”

His friend nodded, showing a small smile.

“Wow,.. I don’t really know what to say.. this …this is… ”

Knowing how the business man felt for Taeyong made it hard not to feel sorry for him.

It was the first time he fell in love, and now this was also the first time that his heart got broken - plus… this evening was the exhibition where Taeyong would have his showcase too.

It was bad timing maybe, but Johnny did not want his friend to feed on false hopes.

“I am sorry I only tell you now..” tumbled off the photographer’s lips but the other brushed it off

“I know, Johnny. It’s … it’s okay.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. It was not okay, nothing was okay at this point.

He did not mean to bring his best friend down, he meant to talk about his conversation with Ten but somehow mentioning Taeyong made him change his plans and now the attention went from him to Yoonoh.

They switched roles right then and this felt hardly fair since his best friend came here to cheer him up.

“I know it is not.” Johnny said with a sympathetic smile.

“Well, it sucks a lot..” Yoonoh played with his fingers, still chewing on his cheeks that was telling Johnny that he was trying to control himself. It was not necessary in front of a best friend. He would understand if the other felt angry and wanted to curse or actually would start crying.

Johnny wrapped his arm around Yoonoh.

Nothing will make him stop caring for the other like that. Nothing would ever make them stop supporting each other.

“It really does, and I am sorry to bring this news.”

Yoonoh sighed, not looking at his friend.. Only his fidgeting fingers.

“But you deserved to know”

That made the business man nod. “I guess. Well, at least this will help me focusing on the right things tonight”

It might have sounded cold to others but it was not like that. Johnny knew what Yoonoh meant with that and agreed. He was struggling so much with his secrets toward family and his image and the exhibition was very important to him too. Now, he did not have to take any risk, Johnny thought and was actually glad about it.

Their conversation went on, not really with uplifting topics, but somehow they managed to keep things collected.

Johnny told Yoonoh about his meeting with Ten. About their conversation that made no sense to the photographer at all. Yoonoh tried to explain possible motives for the model’s actions but it was clear that his mind was somewhere else and Johnny could not blame him for that.

“You like Ten?”

That question caught Johnny a little off guard but he responded truthfully,

“Sure I do. He is very unique and talented and…”

“he Inspired you.” Yoonoh said and pretty much hit the center of truth.

It actually hurt to be this easy to read by the other.

“Yeah. I’ve… I’ve rarely felt so balanced than during the time I’ve met Ten. And I really do not understand why things turned like this. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Nothing.” Yoonoh immediately added with certainty.

“You did nothing wrong.”

Hazel eyes moved to his best friend and appreciated those words. “That’s what he said as well.” The photographer added and by the time he finished his coffee, hearing Yoonoh ask further,

“So, why are you blaming yourself?”

Good question.

“Because…”

“You are Johnny Suh.” Yoonoh answered his own question with a chuckle. He seemed kind of relieved that the attention had dropped off him at this point. He was still by far not okay, but it was easier to control his thoughts and emotions. Johnny knew him that much, just as much as Yoonoh knew the photographer to give an answer like that.

“You always blame yourself. But this time it’s not on you. Even Ten said that and you can not know what made him do what he did, why he ran away from you, why he can not explain things.”

Johnny nodded, the other was right about that but still…

“I don’t really know why I do that. I believe that I am not a bad guy, I wanted to .. well make a friend? Ten was reallying someone I felt a great chemistry with. Just like with you, Doyoung, Yuta. It would have been cool to hang out and maybe do more of these photos.”

“You still have not released them?” Yoonoh asked,

“No. It wouldn’t be right, now more than ever.” The other had to agree, everything was really a mess for the two childhood friends right now and there as not much to do to make things better at this point.

“Is there anything else..?” Yoonoh asked and made Johnny wonder what he meant.

“What do you mean?”

He saw his friend scratching his chin “Well, I don’t know. You seem more upset about Ten running away than Sue trying to manipulate you.”

That was actually a fact Johnny had not thought about before. He was more upset about not knowing why Ten was always running away from him. When clearly his ex wanted him back for selfish reasons, not feelings. “Well… maybe because with Sue, I had it under my control, I knew what she was doing. But Ten.. he is unpredictable.”

Yoonoh only agreed on that and now patted Johnny’s shoulder.

“Inspiration or not. He might not be deserving of any of your respect and acceptance for his selfish actions.”

Johnny looked at his friend and sighed when he reluctantly had to agree. After all, he did not even know Ten’s real name. He did not know anything at all and if that what the model told him about himself was actually true.

So why was the model influencing him that much?

Neither of them were in a mental state that afternoon to find an answer to any of their questions.

Yoonoh couldn’t stay much longer then, he had to drive over to the showroom and do the last preparations. Even so he was CEO of his company, he still insisted on working like anyone else, cleaning tables, checking the microphone. Just like always he was doing as much as he could, moving on despite bad news like the ones today.

Johnny wanted to come to the exhibition as well, he planned to but Yoonoh told him to stay at home much to the photographer’s protest. But the business man made some valid points about resting when it felt like he got a cold, and it also might be tough to be around other artists who do not show any sign of trouble for Johnny with the artist’s block. It could unnecessarily pressure him when he already did that himself and Yoonoh did not want that.

At one point Johnny gave up arguing and stayed home.

It was the second time that day that Johnny jumped up from sleep on his coach, this time however without the cellphone falling on the ground. It was actually 3 am and it took Johnny a moment to realise that he dozed off on the coach and the short nap turned out to be a good night sleep already. Why did he feel so drained?

So weak?

“Hello?” He said in a raspy tone and heard Yoonoh saying

“We’ve kissed..”

It took a couple of seconds for Johnny to realise in his half cautiousness and this late hour who was talking and what he just said to the photographer.

“You did what?”

“Taeyong and I…” it was audible in Yoonoh’s voice that he was smiling from one ear to the other. Johnny sat up to collect himself a little before asking,

“I am lacking the middle part, sorry.”

The other chuckled at the other side of the line. “Johnny… you were wrong, so so wrong about Taeyong and Ten. They are close friends, just like us. But nothing more. We’ve kissed, Johnny. At the exhibition. I… god this is so overwhelming right now.”

Johnny smiled at that, knowing how lonely his best friend was at times, something he could never fix for him.

He was glad that Taeyong did that, although it also worried him a little. But this was natural.

The photographer would hate to see Yoonoh’s good intentions and kind heart to be played with and knew too little of the other photographer to know his intentions and to instantly trust him. And when he was this close to Ten, he might be just as unpredictable.

“Damn, I did not expect your evening to be this successful. I am happy for you.” He said and truly meant it.

“Thank you, I still can’t believe it. Everything worked so perfectly today at the exhibition and then with Taeyongie.”

“Taeyongie, huh? Oha, you really are a lost course now.”

Yoonoh chuckled lowly and sighed “I love him Johnny. And he likes me too. I… well I told him about my struggles with Dad and all and he is willing to give me time”

That made Johnny smile. It was about time that Yoonoh was able to live his life for himself, not for others. He deserved to be appreciated and loved for who he is, not who he acts to be. “That’s amazing of him. I approve. So… this is serious for you both?”

It sounded like a question, not intended but he just spoke it out loud.

“It looks that way.”

“So, Mr. Jung Yoonoh is off the market. Congratulations brother. The world of all the singles out there is quaking now.”

“Ahh stop it…”

“Never.”

Yoonoh added a pause before he mentioned “I’ve seen Ten too.”

Johnny did not expect this but then again had to accept that in the future it might happen again.

“And?” Was all that came out at this point.

“He is not doing well, without me being a good judge. I don’t know him but he is on edge at the moment and seemed not happy for Taeyong and I.”

“How so?” It did not really sound like the Ten Johnny knew but then again, what did he know about the model anyway. He was a closed book, a mystery in some ways.

“Maybe he was just protective over his friend?”

Johnny suggested, still believing in good intentions here and could hear Yoonoh agreeing. “I believe so, he was not amused about Taeyong giving me time, I believe he just wants the best for his best friend.”

“Relatable” Johnny added and received a chuckle.

“Yeah, I am okay with it as long as Taeyongie is okay with it. All I want is for him to be happy and never doubting how much he means to me.”

“Surely he will not doubt that. A blind fool can still see the beam on your face when someone just mentions his name.

“Ah no, that’s not true.”

“It is.”

“End of discussion.” Yoonoh said with a chuckle and Johnny could just imagine how red the other’s ears must have turned during this conversation.

“It’s late now, can we meet for lunch today?” His best friend asked and Johnny quickly looked at his calendar at the table.

“Sounds good, maybe around 1 pm? I am in Gangnam district in the morning.. well in 5 hours.”

“Go to bed Johnny. Sorry if I woke you up but I needed to tell you.”

“It’s more than fine. I would be upset if you wouldn’t have told me right away anyway. And hey… I am really happy for you.”

Another pause before Yoonoh responded,

“Thank you, I still can’t believe it but god.. he is so amazing.”

“Probably. Mr. Jung Yoon Oh is not falling for anything less.”

Johnny praised and then they ended the call. So Yoonoh and Taeyong, Johnny had hopes for it but truly believes that this was it when he told his friend about his theory with Ten. In a way he was happy to have been very wrong about that, and sorry that he caused more heartache to his best friend than it was necessary.

In the end it all turned out okay.

So Johnny was okay as well.

Time for bed.

***

It appeared that days rarely got that much sunlight. Johnny really craved for warmer days to come - in all aspects. The melancholy and colourless surroundings we’re not allowing much inspiration and Johnny had done enough of winter themes photos in the past.

Plus he still felt like getting sick, but it did not break through and just handicapped the photographer with random sleeps, and mood changes.

“This one is on me.”

Johnny looked up with the money already in his hand but Yuta refused to take it as he had placed the Americano in front of the photographer.

“If you keep up saying this, Doyoung will not be amused about the lack of income.” Johnny joked and heard the Japanese clicking his tongue.

“I survived the application process - I am invincible now.”

That made both men laugh, knowing what an ambitious perfectionist the owner of the coffeeshop could be.

“Are you sure?” Johnny still asked and Yuta agreed again.

“Yes, you look like you can needa little energy boost, double shot espresso.”

The photographer raised his eyebrow and looked at his barista friend for a brief moment and could only come up with a confused “Why” at this point.

“Well” Yuta started but paused to clean the coffee machine properly, no other customer around in the moment.

“You seem different, if I may say so.”

“In what way?” Johnny was truly surprised to hear this observation, somehow inwardly taking a defensive role although that was not really necessary, since the two were close friends.

“Well I talked with Yoonoh this morning…”

“He was here?”

“Yeah, with probably the biggest smile I had ever seen on him. Man, he is on cloud 9.”

That made Johnny smile, they all were truly happy for Yoonoh. While they all did have relationships and all, Yoonoh had always been by himself, never complaining but that usually was only telling Johnny that the other was lonely at times. Now he is taken, just like Yuta. It was the time of the year where people actually craved for some company like this, Johnny was not free from these wishes if he was honest with himself. Come to think of it, he was single for more than half a year now.

Time flies.

“But that’s not my point.” Yuta changed back to the original topic, much to the photographer’s dismay because this meant he was on the investigation chair again.

“Yoonoh told me you are having a rough time. Not going into detail but it’s not even a secret. Once you know the real Johnny Suh, you just see that this example in front of me is just a shadow of himself.”

Johnny chewed on his inner cheek, Yuta never talked around an issue, always straightforward and honest. He admired a s appreciated that but right now it was troubling in a way.

“You are right, I am not feeling like my usual self. I can not point at something in particular, just feeling like everything around me is happening faster than I am moving myself.

“Hmm” Yuta thought about this for a moment, cleaning some mugs. “Perhaps you need a change. Something new to fuel yourself. Hey.. why don’t you come with me tonight? You can use a distraction and great company - meaning myself”

The Japanese beamed proudly and was absolutely confident about it, explaining further “My baby is performing today, it’s really meaningful to him and can get there for free, surely you can too if I ask him.

Ten is also there.”

Hazel eyes now looked from the polished mug in Yuta’s hand to the face with the most healing smile.

Why was everyone linked to Ten now?

Yoonoh was in a relationship with Ten’s best friend.

Yuta was in a relationship with Ten’s dancing partner.

Ten Ten Ten.

“I don’t think…”

He started but got interrupted by Yoonoh joining their conversation from behind

“… you have anything else planned tonight, right?”

Johnny glances between the two, both smiling warmly at him.

“What is this?” Johnny asked, again feeling defensive.

“What is this? Your best friends are trying to cheer you up, Baka. You always do that for us and now it’s a pleasure to do so in return.”

The barista winked and nodded to Yoonoh.

Teaming up against him. That’s the new game?

“Fair” Johnny shook his head, contemplating about the offer again.

If he goes with Yuta, it means that he will see Ten again. Even when it was not the Japanese main reason to offer this, Johnny felt like it was Yoonoh’s.

Only he knew more about their past.

Perhap she should trust him about this.

But Johnny still hesitated to accept or decline the invitation.

He worried to look desperate, or like a stalker of the model.

Ten made it clear that he couldn’t handle talking with him and that not just once.

Surely he did not ask Johnny to leave him alone, he did not tell him to never try seeing him again. He just ran away.

And that stirred in him some kind of hope.

Somehow Johnny could not move on from this with how things were.

If only Ten would listen to him just one more time.

No one was simply messed up, like Ten called himself. Everyone is going through life with difficulties and hardships, and no one was flawless.

One more time?

He asked that himself, still worrying to come off like a creep.

Before Johnny was saying anything, a customer came in and Yuta was momentarily focused on her rather than his friends.

Some weight was added to Johnny’s shoulder and he looked at Yoonoh who said assuringly.

“It will be okay one way or the other. You both had time to think about things after the last time you talked, that was already better than before. And perhaps he will listen now and all good things come in threes.”

“You think so?”

Yoonoh nodded without hesitation and added.

“From what I had seen the last time I met Ten, he is not happy with how things are. Might not exactly be about you. I don’t know. But I am sure that some encouraging words of yours might make him feel better. So even when you two won’t talk after this ever again, you at least tried your best and all you could.”

He had a point there. It was in Johnny’s nature to cheer for others, be the happy virus, absorbing the positivity for his own feelings. Negativity like this was affecting him way too much, he hated it and he needed to fix it or at least make things better.

“Alright, one more time.”

This answer made Yoonoh smile and nod, “Good. So you will go with Yuta.”

The door opened and Doyoung stepped inside, greeting his friends and actually taking over the next shift, so Yuta was able to see the performance.

Johnny assured him to wait for the Japanese to change and enjoyed his coffee with Yoonoh. Just then his best friend got a call and needed to leave, allowing the photographer to think about some things on his own.

After 10 minutes Yuta returned and announced that he was ready to go. He seemed very excited, not really nervous for his boyfriend.

Just excited and proud.

Love was admirable.

Johnny thought and actually noticed how much better he felt by just hanging out with people who recently found their happiness with a partner.

***

An hour later the two friends were sitting down on their seats. Johnny insisted on actually buying a ticket instead of getting in for free like Yuta. It was the least he could do to show his support and had a feeling that this will be actually a good performance. He had seen by now who dedicated Ten was with what he was doing. He was not doing anything half hearted. So he must have worked hard for this.

Johnny remembered that Ten said he liked to dance, but never had he expected to do this in some sort of professional way. What else did he not tell Johnny?

“Man, I wish I could dance with my Winko, I could be on that stage right now.” Yuta said absently, eyes fixed on the two silhouettes up there when the show began.

Johnny did not comment anything, eyes on the stage as well when the first tunes began.

And what happened then was nothing that he ever expected…

This dance performance was carrying the music to a whole new level. Johnny had never seen any kind of dance that touched him this much. The audience was all silent, no sounds, no words, nothing but admiration.

This was art.

This was perfection.

This was Ten.

Well both were showing an amazing performance here, the union of them was what made the impact. Sicheng was incredible just as Ten. By now it was clear how hard the two must have worked for this to express their message to the audience with such clarity.

But with their past, Johnny caught himself only looking at the Ten - the number. The model.

Or should he say the dancer? The artist?

He was everything that was creating beauty. Johnny could see the two sides of a personality - white and black, the struggle, the constant battle that they interpreted was - a battle with self-cautiousness, ups and downs. Probably everyone in the hall could relate to that on a different level but what moved Johnny the most right in the moment was Ten’s expressions. The photographer felt Ten’s pain, his disappointments, hopes and doubts, bitterness, a playful side. He was recalling the way the model smiled and laughed at his silly jokes so long ago.

And then words echoed on his mind.

“I am the fuck up. I can’t do this.”

Johnny’s vision got blurry for a moment, swallowing down the lump in his throat but never lowering his eye from the stage. How could something this beautiful and inspiring be fucked up?

What happened to him, that he was thinking this low of himself when right here everyone saw a diamond shining in all colours.

The spark Johnny felt when he was around the model.

It had returned to him in this moment.

Images, a comforting warmth that was surrounding him. He felt the itchy tickling in his fingers, regretting not having brought a camera to capture the diamond in this light. He wanted to make photos, capturing this as a memory just like old times.

He was dragged out of his trance-like state when the music stopped.

And then everyone started to cheer for the duo, Yuta the loudest of all. Johnny could see the teary eyes of his Japanese friend. Proud was by now an understatement what he felt and expressed for Sicheng. They all gave standing ovations and for a moment Johnny saw Ten’s eyes on him. Then the two got off the stage but everyone continued to cheer and clap. Johnny shouted too, still overwhelmed by the beauty and talent he witnessed, but also what he found out during the performance. It seemed during the entire song Johnny was holding his breath, or at least this feeling he just discovered was long buried in him and only now returned to the surface. He could breathe again.

Ten was his muse, the spark he needed to function as a photographer and artist himself.

The audience got louder when the light hit the stage again and Sicheng stepped into it. Where was Ten? Johnny was looking for the other, he could see parts of the backstage area. But it seemed that Ten was not coming back to receive the audience’s praise.

A sinking feeling hit Johnny then.

Was he?

….Not… again.

“God damn it.” He mumbled when Yuta turned to him, trying to say something but Johnny had no time and brushed the other off.

„I am sorry, I need to go…“ was all he said before leaving the row of seats and hurrying to the only exit light he could see in the direction Ten must have gotten out. .

Yes, he left again.

Of course he would.

He left because of him.

This was a mistake.

***

Johnny did not care to take his jacket, just running outside as well to catch up.

He will not allow another restless episode like the last one and neither wanted to be responsible that Ten would not get the recognition of his fans this evening.

When being outside he could not see anyone. Shit.

He looked around and luckily noticed that the new snow revealed fresh footsteps that the photographer followed immediately.

Quickly he spotted the other and started to sprint to catch up at least enough to be audible for the other.

Somehow, deep down he had hoped that the other would not have run off another time.

That he was still backstage or something. But here they were - again, running away from Johnny.

„Ten, wait.“ he shouted but was ignored so he added more speed, feeling the burn in his lungs from the cold air he took in.

The space narrowing between them and Johnny managed to stop the other.

„Why are you always running away from me for fucks sake.“

He was angry and upset, not just for Ten leaving but also the rollercoaster of emotions he was dealing with for months.

Both were breathless, the air visibly escaping their mouths as Ten bit his bottom lip and was finally looking up to him, asking

“What else could I do?”

What else he could do?

Why was it so hard to grasp the other’s motives?

The model’s gaze was on him then, these fierce eyes looking so vulnerable right now and telling Johnny to calm down, to not drag the other into a defensive position or actually scare him.

He needed to ease the tension in the air and licked his own bottom lips when answering honesty but calmly.

„Stop being so selfish for once?“

A moment of silence surrounded them, Johnny let these words sink in.

In another situation, he never would have said it like this, but it’s been months, several months where this unsolved issue got Johnny down on so many levels.

He tried to not sound too harsh, calmly adding „Running away never solves anything, whatever it is, it will continue to chase you.”

He could tell Johnny to fuck off. But since he was not the one to blame, this was not what Ten was running away from.

“Please…Please do not do this. Do not leave things like that. If not for you, then for me.”

Their eyes met for a moment and Johnny could see a little change in those orbs, adding quickly.

“Let us.. talk. If you don’t want to see me again afterwards, I’ll accept that. I will not bother you again. But don‘t leave me with this feeling that I have for one day longer.”

Ten was briefly looking down at his feet, while Johnny asked this of him. After a moment he nodded and looked up to the taller male, saying with a low and weak voice,

“Okay.” Johnny exhaled in relief and heart Ten repeating

“Okay—I’m listening,”

Only now that he was not running any longer, the cold was slowly crawling up on Johnny and made him shiver mildy.

Snow was gently falling down on them, some flakes glistening in Ten’s hair when Johnny finally said.

“Well first of all - your performance today had been absolutely incredible. I had no idea you were that good at dancing. I am glad Yuta brought me along to witness it.”

Johnny smiled and hoped that this could ease some of the tension as well before adding,

“Secondly, I… am sorry for kind of following you here. I am bad at letting things rest, when being unsolved. I can not just pretend that it did not mean something to me to hang out with you. I enjoyed everything we did and even so you said I am not to blame for anything, I feel punished. I feel the injustice, being blocked like that, not having a chance to understand you.”

Another pause kept the air heavy, Johnny saw Ten biting his bottom lip, taking a deep breath. It seemed that the model wanted to say something as well so the Johnny waited with patience, the coldness more and more noticeable but he ignored it.

“I liked it, too, I enjoyed your company, Johnny,”

It was actually odd that Ten used his first name. He recalled how much it bothered Johnny the last time just being called “Suh” - as if he was just a name like any other.

The consideration right there meant a lot to Johnny and he watched Ten giving a light chuckle, looking up at the sky.

Were these tears Ten was fighting against? His eyes were sparkling.

“In many ways I’m a social being, I mean? We all are. But I like it—I like being at the centre of attention, otherwise I wouldn’t be working as a model, you know? But I guess, in the end, that’s just what I am. I’m good at that. Modelling. Keep smiling whilst they take pictures of me—but they don’t care about me. Not the me behind all that, the clothes and the dolled up face. So why do you—why do you care, Johnny?”

Ten looked down from the sky and met his gaze, the first tear falling down his cheek and it felt like what he would tell him now was real, it was coming from the heart, this was the real Ten.

“I never meant to make you feel like that—but… I don’t know what you want from me, Johnny. I’ve never been good at keeping friends. Heck, I don’t even treat the ones I got right, and I don’t even know if that’s what you want us to be—honestly we’re not much more than acquaintances,” he laughed a himself and that only made Johnny want to support him, hug him, comfort him. But Ten continued,

“but I can’t be what you’re looking for,” Ten smiled sadly, “I usually like spending time with the people I work with, but I don’t usually enjoy it very much. I’m afraid of that; that I enjoyed spending time with you. I guess I’m afraid that I want to spend more time with you—when I know you deserve better than that. Better than me.”

Johnny felt the urge to protest, for the first Ten time talking this much about himself and what was on his mind. He could sense that every word was hard to say for the other and he appreciated that he still was trying to explain things. It might not change something for him, but it did for Johnny. If only he would have known sooner what it was, so much could have been avoided. Johnny thought about what to say to Ten, how to cheer him up.

What to say to him?

Would he even listen?

Well, Johnny wouldn’t be Johnny if he would not try it at least.

“You ask why I care and in the same breath you tell me that you see us just as acquaintances.” Johnny started calmly, placing one hand on the other’s shoulder. He thought about hugging the other again but it might be not appropriate, considering what Ten saw in him.

“Tell me, would an acquaintance run after you without a freaking coat to see what’s wrong with you? Or do you tell any acquaintance what you just told me? I don’t think so.”

A smile showing now, he really hoped that he could make a difference here and make Ten look at things differently, more brighter, more positive.

“We both enjoyed the time. No matter what this is or what will happen, why can we not allow this to continue for the time being? We never know what comes for all of us, but it’s wrong in my eyes to just see everything in black and white. It’s wrong to just put a label on something and there is no in between.” He paused for a moment but Ten did not say anything. so he continued.

“You see yourself as a bad friend, but I am 100% sure Taeyong might say something very different. It’s always in the eye of the beholder what you are to them. You tell me you are good at modelling, and hell you are nothing but amazing at that. But just look at the event over there, your performance in dancing moved the people who came to see you and Sicheng. You moved them with more than just a pretty face. And on a personal note, I can say that clothes and dolled up faces are not my appeal. It never was and it’s not what I was looking for in my photo shoot with you. I was looking for something natural, something pure and no makeup or accessories can give me that. You have more talents than you admit to yourself. And to be honest, I doubt you can judge what is best for me and what is not. I like to choose that myself and so will you for yourself.”

He could see Ten biting his bottom lip again, a habit for sure when uncertainty was troubling him, Johnny observed.

Another tear was rolling down the other cheek, matching the first trail on the other side with odd perfection.

Johnny hated to see others cry.

He couldn’t handle other’s sadness that well but when this weak little smile appeared on Ten’s face, Johnny visibly relaxed, hearing the other say lowly

“Okay,”. He could feel the cold fingers that Ten had put on his hand which still rested on the model’s shoulder.

“Well,” he said with a rough voice

“So what is best for you?” Ten glanced back towards Johnny’s eyes.

That was a good question.

“A coat and a coffee.” Johnny said honestly with his red nose and ears glowing from the cold, snowflakes in his hair and on his pullover.

He looked at Ten who did not look any better in this matter and added.

“And so do you”

It was of course just to lure out a chuckle from the other, helping him to win against those tears.

And it felt good when he felt like he managed.

Because Ten chuckled at Johnny’s comment, although another tear rolling down one cheek that he wiped off his face, his makeup smudging at the corners.

But he smiled at the photographer, that was all that mattered to Johnny right now.

“Hm” He then decided to give his real answer.

“It’s not that hard for me to say. I felt much better the time when we hung out. The last months were not that.. great to be honest.”

He brushed his hair back with a sigh.

“I’m slacking and could use a witty tongue like yours to stop me procrastinating on doing things. Yoonoh is too good and kind to do it and Yuta is all over Sicheng for now - well deserved. But that leaves me in deep waters.”

A pause.

“ And you? What.. Do you think it is best for you?” He licked over his bottom lip when adding

“Try to .. uh.. well .. try to consider what was good for you in the past, what felt cool and what not.”

Ten took a moment to answer this, only covering the waiting time with a thoughtful “Hm.”

But then this small smile of his got brighter as he glanced up at him.

“If you insist we’re not acquaintances. I guess I could do with a friend,”

His voice sounded less weak, more like the voice Johnny knew from before.

“You better fetch that coat of yours so we can get coffee—I owe you one.”

A wide smile was now on Johnny’s lips as well. He had hoped for this and was proud to have achieved changing Ten’s mind.

“Roger that. But please wait inside though, okay… friend?”

“Sure, and if you don’t care for a ‘dolled up face’ perhaps I should take care of my own then,” Ten gestured at his with a pout, before laughing about himself. Johnny shook his head amused and bowed. “By all means, I am good when you are. Come on then. It is really chilly.”

They walked back to the building, entering again through the stage door and Johnny could hear Ten saying “I’ll see you soon—friend,”. Hazel eyes now looking back at the model who just winked at him and waiting for him to get his coat. Johnny nodded and felt like for such a long time, finally something felt right again.

So Yoonoh was right.

They got themselves their beloved Americanos, lucky to get them at this late hour, but Johnny was using his privilege and charm with Doyoung. Sometimes it worked, mostly not. Yet, at this moment it seems that the other sensed that this was… in a way important and gave in to the two. And they actually managed to end the night the way it should have ended so many months back.

***

“Ugh”… was all that escaped Johnny’s lips as he rolled around in his bed with a sore throat, fever and a running nose.

Damn it…. now this is what you get when going outside in the snow without your fucking coat, Johnny Suh. Well done.

He had already felt sick before even doing that, now he got the bill for this stupidity. It was the first time he called in sick for a very long time, not feeling like leaving the house to even go to a doctor. What could he possibly find other than Johnny dealing with a cold and the known symptoms.

So he remained in bed all day, watching some movies and sleeping a lot. He only did a call with Yoonoh who checked up on him early in the morning. Yuta had been with the business man it seemed, bubbling in the background about the performance, and all.

Johnny assured him that it was alright, that it was good he went and when Yoonoh told him that Yuta went outside for a call with his lover, the photographer added what happened between him and Ten.

Yoonoh was very pleased to hear this and sighed.

“I am happy it turned out like this. If I can give you any advice, let Ten.. contact you first. Allow him some time to adjust to this properly.”

Johnny always admired how thoughtful and empathetic Yoonoh was, even for people he did not know. “Yeah, I believe you are right as always.”

After some assuring words to survive this cold and be okay even without his friends taking care of him - he hung up and collapsed back on the bed, actually dozing off in an instant and was sleeping for a couple of more hours.

Had he dreamed about the doorbell ringing? He opened his hazel eyes and checked the time. Johnny stood up to make sure it was not really someone standing at the door. His head was aching now on top of it all and he was feeling cold the moment he left his bed.

It took him a moment to get to the door and opened it slowly.

“Oh” He said surprised that there actually had been someoneat his door.

And what a surprise that was.

“Um,” Ten said, shuffling with his feet.

“I know you’re sick, and… I was in the area anyway, spotted a pizza place around the corner that I’ve been dying to try out, I’ve read their review and everything so—I just thought? With that many people inside too, the queue far out on the street, you know how it is? The pizza really had to be good and it would be such a pity since you live so close by and I’d be here eating it when I’m the reason you’re sick in the first place so—it seemed only fair, that I’d buy you one,”

Johnny tried hard to follow the other’s words despite his condition, somehow it was amusing to see the other rambling like that. And Ten must have noticed his big smile right there.

“Of course, since it’s so well known I bet you’ve already tried it. Fuck, I’m so stupid—here,” Ten pressed the box into Johnny’s chest, “Anyway, take it.”

The photographer just managed to hold the pizza box even when he saw Ten seemingly regretting his choices. But not on Johnny’s watch.

“You just read my mind. I am starving.”

The assuring smile he added was hopefully proving the truth of his words and he added. “I knew this place yes. They do have the best pizza in my area. Thank you for thinking of me.”

Johnny really meant that, realising that this was a family sized one just like he once told Ten to have eaten all the time back when he was a teenager.

“I would offer you to come in and help me eat it, but I can understand if you don’t want to risk getting sick yourself…”

He stopped then. Just one look into those fierce eyes were telling Johnny what Ten thought of that and with a chuckle he stepped aside so the other could enter his apartment too.

He showed the other around, it was nothing fancy or extra like the house they did the photoshoot in but Yoonoh said once how this apartment suited Johnny.

They had sat down in the living room while enjoying the pizza together. Ten even remembered which toppings the photographer preferred the most and this surprised him just as much as Ten actually knowing his address. He might have gotten it from Yoonoh if he was with Taeyong at the moment, and in the end it did not matter. What mattered was this calmness inside and that it not even had been 24h since they parted ways and Ten was already visiting him.

They watched a movie together in the living room. Johnny got his big blanket from his bed so there was enough for both.

Sometimes it was getting cold in his apartment, the heating construction not the best in cold winter days like this one.

Johnny had laid down while Ten sit on the other side of the coach. Since the photographer was so tall he had to bend his legs a little but assured a few times that this was cool.

This peace. Had this all been about him?

Hazel eyes did not really look at the tv but at the model. The side profile was actually Johnny’s favourite pov on him.

Eyelids were getting heavier with each passing moment, this warmth and comfort but also the fever were just the lullaby he needed to drift off to sleep once again.

* * *

**TEN**

Spreadsheets were covering all of Taeyong’s sofa, forcing both Ten and Taeyong to sit on the floor beside instead, leaning their backs on the cushioned side that they still had access to.

It was getting unusual, rare even, these moments. Just the two of them working through scribbles of notes Ten had taken down before—and past the so called bedtime, which generally, was both his and Taeyong-hyung’s usual time for composing. The watch on Ten’s phone was telling them it was past midnight and Taeyong’s flat was quiet, only a low buzz of a bass playing from the bedroom, indicating that the flat’s habitants were already in bed. The living room was small, one bed placed in one corner, a quite generously sized sofa considering the size of the flat—back against the wall, a kitchenette facing the other side, and a corridor leading to the one remaining bedroom at the furthest back of the flat. Taeyong had taken the bed in the corner, which now, too, was covered in spreadsheets.

“Perhaps we should have asked Kun for help,” Taeyong whispered to one piece of paper with his eyebrows furrowed as he continued to scrutinise Ten’s scribbles.

“It’s not _that_ bad!” Ten protested with a hushed voice.

“Of course it isn’t,” Taeyong assured but his eyes were still on the same paper, the look on his face together with the sound of his voice not seeming to lessen one bit.

Ten sighed.

“I think this one might actually work,” Taeyong continued to Ten’s surprise, index finger tapping against the wooden floorboards, “Hm…” Taeyong said, eyes finally moving over to Ten from having focused for so long on that one particular paper in his hand, “Everything worked out for you and Johnny then?”

It had only been two weeks since Ten’s and Sicheng’s performance, meaning it had also been two weeks since Ten had started to hang out with Johnny, on quite a regular basis. It had started small, and Ten had assumed it was because Johnny had got sick pretty quickly after their talk—which was most probably Ten’s fault (he still felt bad about that; having forced Johnny to stand outside in winter without as much as a thick jumper to keep out the cold). During those two weeks Ten had spent more time meeting up with Johnny then he had met with Taeyong for the last couple of years. That could only really mean… that he and Johnny was on good terms, right?

“Yeah,” Ten replied, voice casual as he put together two spreadsheets to form a small pile as he gathered up the others within his reach, “I guess it did.”

“You’re friends now,” Taeyong said, and it wasn’t really a question, not really.

Ten licked his bottom lip. It was a statement. It was clear. Evident.

Johnny Suh. The photographer, artist. Johnny Suh. Ten’s friend.

“I guess we are.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“I’m happy for you too, hyung.”

“Ten.”

“Mm?”

“Be careful.”

“Of what?” Ten looked up, eyes searching Taeyong’s face.

“I don’t know, just… be careful.”

***

Spring was finally coming, waiting around the corner as time passed, slowly approaching Lunar New Year. Ten had planned to spend it alone with Taeyong, perhaps he’d go out and dance at a club later into the night, Taeyong could have joined him. But things had changed during autumn, Taeyong was no longer single. Instead there was Jung Yoonoh, and truly, Ten was happy for them.

It had taken some time for Ten to come around. Not, this time when it came to Taeyong and Yoonoh—but with Johnny. Just like spring, Ten had waited and waited as winter took over. Freezing the ground over and pausing time. Ten had tried to run away from it, from warm round laughter, honey coated smiles and fond eyes. Eventually the ice had melted and Ten was left bare, vulnerable. But Johnny didn’t hurt him, instead he’d given Ten his hand, not holding it too roughly, instead it was as if he was stroking his thumb over the back of Ten’s hand.

The wind was a bit chilly as it pushed and pulled. Air crisp but sky finally clear above. Ten might have dressed himself as if the temperature was a bit warmer than it actually was. Completely black, from his black polished shoes to the black blazer that covered a translucent black shirt. The blazer was adorned with silvery brooches, a similar style on the necklace around Ten’s neck. The weather definitely called for a coat, but it was a bit late for that now.

Ten spotted Johnny on the other side of the street, searching his pockets—perhaps for his phone, as it seemed to ring. As Ten passed over and Johnny moved his hand to push his phone against his ear (clearly not having seen Ten yet) Ten started to catch Johnny’s side of the conversation.

“Presidential security service, you are speaking with Johnny Suh.”

Instead of Ten and Taeyong slouching about, waiting in the new year, they had instead decided to go out for dinner with friends. Though it hadn’t really worked out the way they had planned at first. Sicheng had gone on a trip, visiting both Japan and China in one go—as he was now together with Yuta, they went together. It seemed they were to visit both their families, introducing each other to their respective parents and whatnot.

Ten hadn’t given Sicheng as much credit as he deserved. Ten had eventually realised that, that he wasn’t as alone as he’d somehow thought he had been. He’d neglected and ignored the very truth of a friendship he could have cared more for, treated more kindly. But now, with Sicheng out of the country, there was not much he could do at the moment. He would try _better_ soon. It would be enough. It had to be.

Left were Ten with Taeyong and Yoonoh, but Yoonoh had proposed that they’d go out with Johnny. It was only fair, really. Considering how close friends Yoonoh and Johnny was, a mirroring friendship of Ten and Taeyong’s. And so Yoonoh had reserved four seats at a new restaurant. A bit on the fancy side, but it was already extremely popular, reservations needed to be booked a month in advance to visiting and no one of the four of them had had the time to try it out yet (plus, Ten knew that some of them—Taeyong for instance—would not have been able to afford it had he gone alone anyway).

“Well, how can I be of service Mr. Jung,“ Johnny said, eyeing Ten as Johnny finally noticed him, his face brightening and moved his lips as if to say _Yoonoh_, Ten only nodded and stood at Johnny’s side.  
Johnny’s cheerful expression changed as he was apparently absorbed in whatever Yoonoh was saying on the other end.

“True, that‘s for the best… no, no it’s… it‘s all good, we will survive. Yes… Ten is with me now,“ Johnny said and shot a wink in Ten’s direction, the call continued only for a bit longer, Johnny ending and turning his attention to Ten completely this time, putting away his phone.

“Well… it appears singles are the only ones you can rely on. Our lovebirds are not coming.“

Ten raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t seen that coming—maybe he should have.

“Really?” Ten said, “Hm… guess our love birds really are too busy, huh?” Ten chuckled, “What are we to do now, then? Go anyway?”

“They did everything they could, yes,“ Johnny chuckled and explained, “Yoonoh was spontaneously invited by his father and rather wished to spend time with Taeyong, so he called in sick for the event and will stay with him at home. Tsk. I admit it’s kind of cheesy but I also support this.“

Ten shrugged. That was understandable. Ten made a mental note to send Taeyong a message later on. He didn’t doubt Taeyong was in good hands, but Ten wanted to check on his friend.

Johnny looked around, eyes lingering on the restaurant behind them where they had four reserved seats at and gave an affirming nod.

“You bet, I am starving and today is a special day. Let’s have a treat.”

“Sweet,” Ten said, as they entered to stand in the small queue inside. 

It didn’t take too long since they were in for a seating and were on time.

They were shown to a table by a window, the table set up for four—the waitress kindly taking away two plates as Ten explained that they were the only ones coming.

“Is this a set menu—or are we supposed to order a la carte?” Ten asked with a hushed voice as he leaned a bit over the table when they sat down, his black blazer hugging him tightly and Ten unbuttoned it.

“Damn, Mr. Jung really knows all the fancy addresses,” Johnny commented as they sat down, scratching the back of his head.

“Sure seems like it,” Ten said as he scanned the place.

It was one of those new, modern restaurants, the people were fancily dressed—it could be the occasion of Lunar New Year today, but it was also quite possible it was the restaurant’s dress code.

“Do I look like I go to these places often?“ Johnny continued.

The waitress came back with the wine card and the menu and Johnny grinned at her as he was handed the card.  
Ten looked at the menu in his hands, clicking his tongue in reply to Johnny’s last words. 

The menu featured three options, all set menus—which then answered Ten’s question. The first option being vegetarian, second one a combination of fish and seafood and a last choice with a filet steak.

Ten raised his eyes to look over his menu at Johnny.

“Well, by the way you’re dressed today one could argue that you _do_—really, you look ready for the runway,” Ten said whilst trying to decide on which menu to go with.

Johnny did, really. Dressed in a grey suit, colour bordering on blue when the light was reflected from the fabric. Johnny was dressed in layers. The first one in a pattern resembling floral shapes and branches, a silky blue bow tie around his neck. The colour of the pattern on his shirt repeated itself on the outlining of his handkerchief in the pocket of his blazer. Above was a dark blue dress shirt that further took out the blue from his suit.

Ten licked his lower lip as he scanned the menu in his hands again.

“Why… thank you,“ Johnny said, adjusting the bow tie and collar, “I was scared they wouldn’t let me in otherwise. But damn, you look like you just jumped out of a fashion magazine. Ten/10,” he continued and Ten tried to push down the heat that he felt was threatening to spread up his neck and reveal an embarrassing shade of pink.

Johnny put down his menu, clearly having made a decision as he moved onto the wine card.

“So, what will you order, fashionista?”

Ten leaned back in his seat, satisfied to feel he was still in control of his display of emotions, eyes on Johnny as he smiled at him.

“I’ll take the second one,” Ten replied, already having decided on sea food since the other two were out of the question for him, “Are you drinking—or is it still too early?”

“Mm, only if I’m not the only one drinking, don’t want to be the only one with regrets,” hazel eyes were looking through the wine list again and Ten could see wrinkles in the corner of Johnny’s eyes as a smile took over his face.

It was starting to get annoying. Johnny was attractive. Ten had known that since the first time he had laid his eyes on him. Ten worried he was only interested because he knew Johnny was untouchable for him. Always so close, yet never within his reach. It was starting to get harder to ignore how attracted Ten really was to the man. But it didn’t matter. Ten had been able to keep Taeyong as a friend for all these years and never once been to bed with him—it couldn’t be so different with Johnny, right? Ten just had to keep it in his pants and not embarrass himself any further. It couldn’t be that difficult.

“Hm, but a bottle might be too much… in price and amount of alcohol,” Johnny considered, “Plus, I believe you might go with white wine while my plate is more suitable for red,” Johnny hummed, “Hm, don’t think I know anything about good wine, I’m just bluntly quoting Yoonoh,” Johnny confessed as he put the card down, “Maybe we can have a glass each and after dinner we can have another drink somewhere else?

“It’s a deal,” Ten smiled in reply and ordered when the waitress came back—when she had left them alone again Ten said, “So… do you have any new year resolutions, big boy? Like… buying a thoursand coffees all from the same café, or, petting every cat you see on the street even if you’ll be late?” Ten laughed.

“Ahhh, I actually did all of that already—no, no I am doing something better,” Johnny said, something looking like excitement sparkling in his eyes, “I definitely want to do a barista workshop with Yoonoh, you can come join us if you want or just be beneficent of the results. Your choice,” he grinned and sipped on his water that had already been served and placed in front of them.

“Oh?” Ten replied, sipping at his own water before replying, “That all sounds lovely. I’d like to join your barista lessons but perhaps it’s better to leave it to you and Yoonoh—I’ve rather taken a liking to your making me coffee, perhaps they’ll be even better now?” Ten raised a teasing eyebrow, “Just kidding—perhaps then _my_ coffees won’t taste as bad,” Ten laughed.

“Mhhh, I want a new camera too, with a macro lense. But I need some more projects to actually get me the model I want. So another goal to focus on… and at one point… man, it would be nice to find someone too—it’s like; everyone is getting into serious business but not me, and all those people with pink glasses are creeping me out. And you?”

“Hm—me?” Ten said, trying to think about the question he himself had asked earlier, “I don’t know…” he started, and then, “Well, it would be nice to dance again. On a stage similar to the one you went to see me at,” Ten smiled shyly as he looked down on the table in front of him.

It had been absolutely brilliant to work with Lee Taemin. Ten so wished to be able to do another workshop with him, but Ten wasn’t sure if it was his place to request another one. He’d remember to talk to Sicheng about it later on. Ten raised his head again.

“People with pink glasses, you say?” Ten smiled, “Watch out so you don’t turn judgemental—you can’t blame people for being happy, who are you and what have you done to Johnny Suh?” Ten teased.

Johnny bloody Suh chuckled.

“Johnny Suh, judgemental… ahahahaha, I am the hardest judge to myself but soft like a marshmallow when it comes to the happiness of my friends and family. It’s just the winter time I guess, makes me cuddly. And I fully support you dancing more, you were incredible. You have any other project in planning?”

“I know, you’re too good,” Ten assured, a smile on his lips, he didn’t doubt that for even a second, “Hm… not so far, the workshop I and Sicheng went on ended with the performance, I’d like to work with our course leader again but… I don’t know when that’ll happen—if it’ll happen again… we’ll see,” Ten smiled again, trying to force his concerns regarding dancing out of his mind for the time being—there would be enough time to worry about that later, “Anyway, you want to find someone, huh? What is the dream girl of Johnny Suh like?” Ten asked.

Ten smiled, fighting away the nagging feeling at the pit of his stomach. The nervous churning that wasn’t allowed to exist. Not right now, it wasn’t the right time—and _this_ wasn’t the right person. It was Johnny Suh. A man Ten had only just welcomed back as a potential _friend_. A real friend. But nothing more and nothing less. No expectations, and especially no romantic ones. Taeyong could joke all he wanted about that. But there’s simply no way you can turn a straight man gay in a flash. It didn’t matter how charming Ten could make himself, how flirtatious he could be. How fucking much he himself could see Johnny’s arms around his neck, resting on Ten’s shoulders as those soft lips of his would drift closer to Ten. It didn’t matter. Johnny was straight—and a fantasy like that would only leave Ten quite literally hot and bothered. It wasn’t professional.

“I see, well… I will keep my eyes open for an opportunity for you. Since Yuta is working in the same field, there might be chances there and you should definitely keep this up,” Johnny’s soft voice brought Ten back to reality, a supportive smile on his lips.

Ten looked up at Johnny, but Johnny’s eyes were not on Ten. It seemed instead he was really contemplating the question Ten had asked. Ten feared for the answer. Would she be tall? Beautiful silky hair—or curly? A fringe, dyed or natural hair colour? Tight fitted clothes that could show off her figure, curve around her chest and hips in ways Ten could never make any clothes look on himself. Would she have a high pitched voice that would fit Johnny’s dark round tone in a perfect match? 

Ten bit his bottom lip. These thoughts had to stop. _Be careful_, Taeyong had said. Ten was afraid Taeyong was more right than Ten wanted him to be.

“I am not looking for a dream girl really,” Johnny said eventually, shrugging—Ten releasing a breath he didn’t really realise he’d kept in, “I want something real for a change,” Johnny continued, “Something meaningful, someone who just accepts me for who I am, someone who really loves me. Size, color, age or whatever… is not important… if the chemistry is strong.“

_Size, colour, age—is not important_, Johnny had said. _No_, Ten thought, _perhaps not. But sexes are. And I’m the wrong one. The wrong one for you_.

“What about you? What is poking your interest in a partner?” Johnny asked innocently and Ten swallowed thickly.

Ten had to do better.

He hummed at Johnny’s answer just as the waitress came back with some of the smallest dishes Ten had ever seen, when she’d filled their glasses and left again Ten raised an eyebrow, smiling at Johnny.

“This’ got to be the least I’ll ever get for a price like _that_,” Ten commented, humming again as if to buy time, “I should probably try to aim for the same for once,” Ten finally settled on, “Someone who loves me for me… I’ve never really cared much for… love,” Ten paused briefly.

Had he ever cared for love? When was the last time Ten had been in a relationship for the sake of _love_? Had he ever? Hadn’t it all in been for sex? For the occasional gateway from reality? Part of the fame? Being desirable? Love. The closest Ten remembered feeling when it came to love was Taeyong. Taeyong and Ten’s dogs perhaps. The ones still left in Thailand. Along with his mother and sister. Tern. Yes, Ten loved her still. Even if it was years since they had last been in touch.

“—In any previous relationship,” Ten traced the foot of his wine glass with his index finger, “Perhaps that’s my resolution for the next year: dare to love,” Ten chuckled as he looked back at Johnny.

It was ironic after all. It could almost be passed as a joke. Ten wondered if Johnny could see through him.

Johnny’s head tilted for a moment before saying: “You never cared for love?” and Ten feared just how much Johnny could see the truth in his words, “Then you never met the right person to be with,“ Johnny said bluntly—but as if his own words caught up to him Johnny quickly added, ”That might have been insensitive, I am sorry. I hope this year can be different for you. You deserve love.“

_I deserve love?_ Ten wondered silently as they started eating. It didn’t take long before they had finished and the next one was brought it, impossibly even smaller, and then they had already moved onto the next dish, and soon they were on the final one. The two of them left the restaurant only about an hour later.

“Mh, I don‘t know… the food was excellent but I feel like I just had a small snack,” Johnny said as he rubbed at his stomach over his coat, pulling the collar up against the wind, “The coffee shop is closed today, want to try my french press? It’s really good and we can also prepare something else as a midnight snack?“

Ten smiled.

“Yes, I’d like that.”

“Great, I do have some things at home to cook.”

***

When they were on the train, seated beside each other Ten looked over at Johnny.

“I’m sorry,” he said, eyes drifting down to the floor again, a trace of someone’s dirty shoe to the left, “About everything. Running away, and all. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid,” Ten smiled sadly.

“It never was stupid, you had your reasons. It’s… really okay, now that you gave me a chance,“ Johnny’s soft reply came and Ten glanced up at him, relief pouring over him as he noticed the warm smile on Johnny’s lips, “I can‘t really do this myself, I need to know where I stand with people. So whenever something is not cool between us in the future, promise to tell me okay?“

“I promise,” Ten said, as he put one hand on Johnny’s knee beside him.

He would. He wanted to, and Johnny deserved as much.

Johnny smiled in reply again, and Ten ignored the way it warmed him up from inside.

Once off the train Ten walked beside Johnny. The dark once again creeping in over them, soft yellow lights from the street lights showing them their way forward. Ten had been to Johnny’s place a handful of times already, yet he found he was always as excited to visit him again. Anticipation prickling on his skin. Ten hadn’t really taken Johnny home yet, all times they met they had done things together either outside—walking around, talking nonsense, about work—or relaxing in Johnny’s sofa in his flat; TV playing some film which in many ways were similar to how Ten often spent his time with Taeyong-hyung. Only, Ten didn’t think half as much about lips and soft accidental touches or even the assuring ones, squeezes around his arm or knees, as he did when it came to Johnny. Always hyper aware of every movement. As if on cue Ten’s shoulder bumped into Johnny’s arm. It happened again, and again. Every now and then as they walked up the pavement towards Johnny’s home. It felt important, to be invited inside, to the place Johnny spent most of his time. Did all his everyday things, sleeping, eating, perhaps met with other friends. Ten was planning on inviting Johnny home, it was on the tip of his tongue once every hour when they met up lately—yet somehow it hadn’t really come up yet. _Everything has its time_, Ten insisted to himself. Ignoring that the reason he might be putting it off. He’d ask him later, they had all the time in the world.

“How come people that we know all suddenly got together?” Ten chuckled at the thought, “I didn’t think the world was that small.”

Johnny joined in, his round low chuckle making Ten’s smile broader.

“I knooow! I just recently thought the same thing, like… my best friend and yours, then my friend Yuta and your dance partner Sicheng. What‘s going on, have we missed the Cupid shooting hearts everywhere?“ Johnny said, but then in a more serious tone he continued: “But actually, you have no idea how glad and happy I am for Yoonoh right now.“

“I might have a clue,” Ten said, “I am too—happy for both of them. Taeyong-hyung sure deserves it,” he continued fondly,

“I’ll be at Yoonoh’s throat if things go south though,” Ten teased, “and I’ll be at Taeyong’s if it’s his own fault,” he added, pretending to sound serious.

Johnny chuckled again.**  
**

“Yoonoh told me about your encounter with him that night,” he said and the warmth disappeared, Ten almost freezing on the spot—but in some unfathomable way managed to not stumble and make a fool out of himself, his legs miraculously continuing, one in front of the other, “Don‘t be too hard on him, please. I… shouldn’t say too much but he really has a rough time with the high expectations of his family, the pressure and constant fight with his own sexuality and this has been going on for years. But he is on cloud 9 and has no intentions to travel back, I can assure you that he is a good man. He rather hurt himself before anyone else, especially Taeyong.“

Ten looked down on the path ahead of them, the last sprinkles of frost glistening in the dark on the ground. Spring was soon here, but evidence of the winter that had only just left them were still at their feet.

“I’m sorry about that,” Ten said, swallowing, “I’m sorry about a lot of things—and I know I should say sorry to Yoonoh, too. It’s on my list of things to do right, perhaps that should be another resolution?” Ten smiled as he looked up at Johnny briefly before continuing, “That’s tough. Even more reason to be happy for them. It’s not only Taeyong who deserves happiness, huh?” Ten smiled towards the ground.

There were a lot of things he regretted. Especially about that night. Only because he had been so selfish he had ended up hurting perhaps not only Taeyong, but Yoonoh too—and in extension Ten didn’t know how that had affected Johnny. _That_ was a miracle. That Johnny let Ten have a second chance. Or a third, fourth, or whatever this counted as.  
Johnny wrapped an arm around Ten’s neck and Ten looked up at his face, a smile on Johnny’s lips. Those lips, soft and having turned even more pink, almost in a rose colour in the cold air. _God, pull yourself together_, Ten thought to himself.

“So much for you claiming to be a bad friend. Liar,“ Johnny teased, and let go before Ten had time to catch himself with more inappropriate thoughts, a chuckle leaving him.

“Everyone deserves happiness,” Johnny said.

_Even me? Even after everything?_

***

Ten followed Johnny into the small lift up to the upper levels, not many words exchanged on their way up. Johnny opened the door saying: “Make yourself a home, I‘ll be right with you.”

Johnny rushed inside.

“Sorry if this is a little chilly. If you need anything, a blanket or hoodie… let me know.“

“I’m fine,” Ten yelled back as he walked inside, closing the door behind him and dropped down a chair in the kitchen for the time being, waiting for Johnny to get back to get started on whatever food they were planning on making.

Despite Ten’s words Johnny came back with a brown soft looking hoodie in his hands, placing it on the table beside Ten without any further comments and opened the fridge to check inside. Ten wordlessly took the hoodie and wrapped it over his shoulders for the time being. It was useless on the table, right? It could just as well be draped over his shoulders were it could be useful.

“Hmmm Ttoebokkiiiii,” Johnny said a bit loudly, his voice pitched similar to the way Ten remembered Johnny having said the first time they had shared a meal, so many months back now.

Johnny turned around, smiling towards Ten.

“You still like this right?“

“You can never go wrong with tteokbokki,” Ten replied as he stood up, ready to help out.

The cooking was so much more fun than Ten had ever remembered making a meal was. They laughed whenever they bumped into each other, moving around Johnny’s kitchen, Ten looking for whatever plate or ingredient Johnny mentioned he had in a cupboard or in the fridge, perhaps behind the pot of mayo in the back to the left, Ten sprinkling condiments and whatnot into the frying pan. Ten tried not to linger on the way their fingers brushed when they both reached for the same thing, a bottle on the kitchen, forgetting about two glasses and Ten standing on his tiptoes to reach them and Johnny walking up behind to take them down, his breath hot against the back of Ten’s head, his ear heating and not only because of the warmth emitting from Johnny.

Finally the dish was finished and Ten felt a whole lot more satisfied with this than the expensive visit to the restaurant only some hours ago. Johnny had only just put his first bite into his mouth, not really having started chewing when Ten noticed a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“What?” Ten asked, amused as he took his own first serving.

“Oh, you planned to add some Ttoebokki to the salt, mhh?“

They ended up ordering takeaway. Ten hadn’t been able to fight the blush that spread across his cheeks when Johnny had looked at him then, Ten realising his mistake. He did remember perhaps dropping down a bit too much salt, but Ten hadn’t really thought much about it. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to cook, only that he usually preferred to leave most of the work to Taeyong and otherwise Ten was almost always ordering food home. The ttoekbokki from the restaurant tasted really good, just the right amount of spicy—and this time, not too salty.

When everything was tidied away the two of them went out to take a walk, Johnny’s hoodie too warm and cosy to be left inside when it was so cold outside, so in the end Ten had pushed his arms inside and was happily bouncing his way through the park, located not too far from Johnny’s apartment block. It was only about half an hour left until it would be a new year.

“Oh my god,” Ten exclaimed as he saw the swings in the corner of the park.

A set of two beside a small playground. Ten gave Johnny one last glance before spurting like an idiot towards the two swings, sand flying as his feet pushed forward, claiming the one to the left as his as Ten jumped on it, using the momentum to swing up in the air as soon as he got on it.

“It was ages since I was on a swing,” Ten said, laughing as he used his legs to take him higher.

It wasn’t much people in this corner of the park. Ten assumed most who were out on a night like this were at the festivals in town. The quiet was nice, only the faint sound of children laughing far away. Ten looked back at Johnny who was walking in a slower pace to join him, a smile taking over his features and their eyes met. Ten smiled back as Johnny finally sat down on the swing beside him, Johnny’s legs a bit too long. Johnny chuckled as he looked down on his legs and then moved his gaze to Ten’s moving form. Ten didn’t know if Johnny was smiling because he found it funny that he had outgrown the children’s swings, or if he found it that hilarious that Ten hadn’t, still being able to swing without any difficulty.

“It’s made for you, I see,“ Johnny commented and Ten smiled as Johnny answered his own question, “I want to swing too,“ Johnny dragged out the last words as his face turned sulking.

“Oh, come on grandpa, it’s _easy_,” Ten laughed, swinging higher, “you just got to try _harder_!”

Ten thought about Johnny’s comment. For once, perhaps the first time in his life, here was something positive about being short.

Ten could see the moment Johnny’s expression changed.

“No one’s calling me grandpa you imp,“ Johnny said as he started to swing too, legs too long be damned, clearly he didn’t care—even though the swing was clearly objecting, mechanism squeaking as Johnny forced himself off the ground, “It’s really been ages…” Johnny said before letting go, using the impetus to jump off, landing gracefully, both feet in the sand and he laughed clearly amused, “And no one around to scold me for that.“

Ten laughed in reply.

“Kids these days better watch out for grandpa and his shenanigans!” Ten teased from his swing and Johnny only nodded in agreement.

He laughed, but as the swing started going lower, slower again, Ten bit his bottom lip.

“Are you happy with your past year, Johnny?” Ten watched as Johnny walked back to the swing, sitting down and pushing his swing in a similar pace as Ten’s.

“Mhhh not really,“ Johnny said and Ten wondered at Johnny’s honesty—_he’s too good for me_, were words still echoing within him every now and then, and especially in times like these, “There were a couple of moments where I wondered if I was doing the right things and I still have no answer to that. That’s not satisfying. Like… my success depends a lot on something I have no control of. I had hoped to achieve more with my photos. Surely it was better than the year before but it feels like I could have done more without the artist block I struggled a lot with the last half of this year. I had some cool moments though, I do not want to neglect. Meeting you for example.“

Ten smiled, hoping it to look reassuring.

“Likewise. Even if I was an absolute arse and ruined a good part of our beginning. I’m looking forward to continue to get to know you—I’ll stick around for it this time. The good and the bad,” Ten looked up at Johnny before turning his head and swinging with his legs to get a bit higher up again, “I’m sorry to hear your year wasn’t as good as you wanted it to be. I hope next year will be better. If someone deserves it, it’s you. About your art block, that’s a bother. But everyone has their ups and downs. I’m not trying to diminish your art block—I know it’s shit, utterly dreadful to be in. I’m just saying it to remind you that, you know,” Ten continued, dragging one foot against the sand below, “It happens to everyone, and it doesn’t make you less of an artist for it. Rather the opposite, it’s a reminder that you are. And that it’s difficult sometimes.”

Johnny remained silent, looking down at his feet thoughtfully.

“Wow, that’s…” he started, eyes moving to Ten and meeting in the dark, the cold air tugging at their fringes, biting through their clothes, “I’m so glad you stick around to remind me of things like that. I… truly needed that. Thank you, Ten,” Johnny licked his bottom lip, before continuing, “I still call you Ten… but now you are more than a number, you’re my friend… care to tell me your real name?”

Ten looked out over the park for a bit, after a minute he turned his head in Johnny’s direction. Eyes searching his. Ten bit his bottom lip. When he released it he took a small breath. It was now or never. And this time, it would be irreversible. Something that could only be revealed once. Learnt once, and not taken back. Something permanent.

“Chittaphon,” Ten breathed, “My real name is Chittaphon.”

Ten didn’t know if his words were audible or not, because suddenly the loud noise of fireworks were over their heads. Ten turned his eyes towards the sky.

“It’s a new year,” he whispered.

***

“Do you think we’ll surprise him?” Taeyong asked behind Ten, the leather of his black bomber jacket brushing against Ten’s black blazer.

Ten wasn’t clad very differently since Lunar New Year. An all black attire that hugged his body tightly. Possibly this outfit was a bit less extravagant than his New Year’s outfit. Today there were no silver details—other than his earrings and piercings. However, instead of his almost transparent black-ish shirt the current one was thicker in material, but shorter in length. Leaving the skin on his hips and stomach exposed whenever he leaned on either side or reached for anything. Hair styled slightly backwards with gel and black tight fitting trousers stretched around his thighs.

Ten nodded to Taeyong. _They had to_.

“Yoonoh says they’re in the lift!”

Everyone rushed up from the sofa and bed where they had all been slouching as they had waited for the guest of honour. Ten checked so that everyone were lined up against the wall and Ten placed himself closest behind the door, peaking out through the peephole whilst Taeyong placed himself on the other side of the door, ready to open.

“It’s them!” he whispered.

Ten could see Mark finding it hard to stop the laughter that streamed through his lips even as he pushed the heel of his hand against his mouth as to seal it shut.

“Shh!” Ten hushed at him as quiet as he possibly could whilst still being forceful and loud enough for Mark to hear him.  
Mark pressed the sleeve of his jacket against his mouth too, nodding towards Ten as he probably did his best to stifle the hysteria. His brown polo neck fit him really well, Ten would make sure to compliment him on it later on.

Ten pressed his ear against the keyhole, opening it from inside to listen in on any conversation outside. He knew he probably should let them have their privacy, but the nerves were making him fidgety and Ten couldn’t keep himself from checking anyway.

“I am a little nervous honestly,” he heard outside as two set of shoes shuffled outside.

That was Yoonoh voice—soft in sound, but a touch darker than the one Ten was listening for, and without the slight lisp.

“How so?” another voice replied, Johnny definitely, the low rounded sound easy to identify—it almost sounded as if he was smiling as he continued, “Come on, I know Taeyong… will you relax around your best friend, please?" 

"I know,” rang Yoonoh's voice again, “Sorry I’m like this. I just… well you two are the most important people in my life.”

"And we both love you,” came Johnny's reply, “Now stop worrying,” Ten could hear the soft thuds that Ten assumed was Johnny giving Yoonoh some reassuring pats.

"I try… I’m really glad we have this chance—” Yoonoh continued and just then Ten moved away from the door as it almost bumped into his head, Taeyong opening to peak out, “To finally hang out all together.“

“Hi!” Taeyong said, beaming as he opened the door for Yoonoh and Johnny, “Welcome to—“

“Johnny’s surprise party!!!” Ten yelled at the top of his lungs as he jumped out from his place behind the door, confetti already thrown up in the air as the others emerged to join his cheer.

“Happy belated birthday!” they all said, in less coordination than Ten had hoped for.

Ten had with Taeyong and Yoonoh’s help been able to arrange a surprise party for Johnny. As Taeyong had mentioned it would fit well for Yoonoh too, since his birthday had been on the 14th of February—but of course Jung Yoonoh had been busy working on his birthday and so they hadn’t found time to properly celebrate him. Ten knew that was part of why Taeyong was so happy to help with the arrangements. “Why don’t you arrange another surprise event for Yoonoh?” Ten had asked when he had first mentioned it and learned about Yoonoh’s birthday having passed without anyone’s notice. “He wouldn’t allow it,” Taeyong had replied back then, “But he _will_ if it’s dedicated to Johnny,” and so they had ended up preparing for Johnny in mind even if Ten knew it meant something more for Taeyong. Yoonoh had then helped gather some of their closest friends. Including the Japanese, which therefore had lead to them inviting Sicheng as well (perhaps Ten had been too ignorant to acknowledge the people surrounding him. The reason Ten could argue with was that he was always surrounded by too many people anyway—but that was hardly the _actual_ reason he hadn’t thought of Sicheng as a friend until only a few weeks ago). With the other couple invited was also Kim Doyoung. Ten had finally learned that _that_ was the chap who had owned the house where Johnny’s photoshoot had taken place at, with the softly lit swimming pool and faint scent of coffee. Doyoung, even though he was apparently the same age as Ten, already owned his own coffee shop which had become increasingly popular.

Ten and Taeyong had made sure Yoonoh had in turn told Johnny, that Taeyong had only invited the two of them over for a small dinner, reasoning that it would help them get to know each other—which wasn’t entirely a lie after all. It would be a first for Taeyong too though, since Nakamoto Yuta and Kim Doyoung were both not only Johnny’s friends, but Yoonoh’s too. However the introductions had all gone very well. Taeyong had told Ten about being nervous to finally and officially meet people important to Yoonoh. “You’ll be fine, you’re the most charming person I know,” Ten had replied without hesitation—and as it turned out, it had all gone exceptionally well, smooth even. Especially considering Ten still remembered the discourse at the dance studio with the Japanese. When the couple had stepped inside and greetings were done and over with, Ten had taken Yuta to the side, biting his bottom lip as he had said, in a hushed voice: “I’m sorry. You know, about that time. I’ll do better,” Ten had smiled, only hoping he was convincing enough. _Trust me_, Ten had thought. For some reason it felt important that Yuta would. _It would be fair if he doesn’t though, I’m not even sure I’d trust myself_. Soon they were all introduced to Taeyong’s roommates. The two music majors seemed intrigued to meet new people. Kun had been as polite as ever and Mark was kind, shy and funny all at once. It didn’t take long until everyone was feeling at ease. Last came the youngest. A friend of Kun and Sicheng. Dressed in a red shirt with some irregular pattern on, black ripped jeans. Ten had met the chap quite a few times earlier last year. Liu Yangyang went to the same uni as Kun and Mark and had met Kun through a party—or if it was something dance and music related, or both, Ten couldn’t remember. Somehow Yangyang had ended up a friend to Kun who in some way had the younger and Sicheng meeting by God knows whatever. Something dance related, Ten was pretty certain about that part. “Actually, I’m working on a new project, a composition,” Kun had said when Yangyang was seated on the sofa waiting for Johnny and Yoonoh. “Oh?” Ten had asked. “I want to make a collaboration. With you,” Kun had continued, eyes fixed on Ten. That had come as a surprise. Ten truly hadn’t thought Kun would even remember Ten danced, let alone have him in mind for a project. “I want you—Ten, to choreograph a dance performance to it, with Sicheng and Yangyang.” Ten was still slightly shocked by the offer. He’d accepted immediately though. Oddly touched.

"Woah,” came Johnny’s reaction, taking a step back as everyone’s cheer was over him, confetti flying in the air as the other’s fired theirs in the air along with Ten’s, Johnny’s hand were pressed against his chest over his heart as he looked around at everyone.

Yoonoh joined in too, cheering as he walked over to Taeyong to stand beside him as he clapped his hands. Yuta then walked up to Johnny, practically dragging him inside. Ten couldn’t stop smiling. It had all taken quite some time to pull off. Firstly there had been Johnny’s actual birthday. On the 9th of February. Ten hadn’t want to push and ask anything since Johnny hadn’t invited him to anything. Ten had simply assumed he wasn’t invited. It wasn’t too unlikely. He’d messed up more than a handful of times, and honestly, it was just what he deserved. But then Ten had sent Johnny a text.

Johnny  
  
Happy Birthday twat  
  


When Ten hadn’t got a reply in 9 hours dread had started to spread like a virus, making his hands cold. _I offended him_, Ten had thought. _Shit, after everything and you fuck up again_. The only thoughts that tormented him throughout the day was that Johnny had blocked his number. _What if_, Ten’s thoughts continued and with a slight tremble he had typed his next message.

Johnny  
  
Happy Birthday twat  
  
Just kidding (not about the Happy Birthday part). Hope you’re having a good time  
  


When it didn’t return with a “failed to send message” Ten assumed Johnny had spent his time with friends—_real friends_, his mind had added conveniently.  
When Johnny’s reply finally came it was not what Ten had expected.

Johnny  
  
Happy Birthday twat  
  
Just kidding (not about the Happy Birthday part). Hope you’re having a good time  
  
I did not expect things to turn out like this on my birthday. Sue stopped by and brought Sparks (her cat) along. I had my hands full, I tell you  
  


“Woah, guys I…” Johnny continued, bringing Ten back to the present, “That I truly didn’t see coming… good job to the organizer.”

Ten gestured with a mime version of a bow as he shot his imaginary arrow at Johnny, winking as he released it. He so hoped this could prove to Johnny how much Ten did regret not allowing him into his life earlier on. Johnny was too good, and he deserved it all. Johnny in turn fell down to the ground in the most dramatic way, and with unusual grace managed to pull himself up real quick.

“They were equally good at keeping their mouths shut,” Ten said, smiling as he looked over at Taeyong and Yoonoh.

“Seriously… Yoonoh deserves an Oscar for today’s act,” Johnny chuckled, a low repeating of his previous, “Woah,” leaving his lips.

“Hope it’s not too much,” Ten caught Taeyong asking quietly to Johnny before making space for Johnny’s closest friends to greet him first.

“It’s not too much… this can never be too much,” Johnny assured, beaming like a child and Ten smiled too as Yoonoh tackled Johnny with: “Of course I congratulated you before, but not in the proper environment, Happy Birthday,” Yoonoh said hugging Johnny tightly.

“Thank you… for all you are to me. I love you, brother and Happy belated Birthday to you as well,” they parted, still chuckling and Ten could swear Johnny’s eyes were sparkling. Was that tears?

“I didn’t come here to see you crying—make it stop,” rang Doyoung’s stern but light voice as he approached Johnny with a sly smirk all over his face and gave him a hug.

“JOHHHHHHHHHHHNNY!” Yuta jumped on the two as they were still hugging, clearly too impatient to wait for his turn, “Happy Birthday!”

It earned a laugh from Johnny and Doyoung seemed to stumble—if it was acted or due to the actual force of Yuta’s attack Ten didn’t know.

“Yuta… you…” Doyoung narrowed his eyes dramatically—definitely acted, Ten thought, “This will earn you a morning shift on Sunday.”

Yuta laughed.

“Uh, uh, uh—you are not my boss right now, not my problem if you are also a friend to your overall amazing and always hard working barista,” Yuta retorted before shifting his attention back to Johnny, “Hyung… I know he is mean but that shouldn’t make you cry. Cry for love, for bad taste and your monthly income, but not for Doyoung,” he said, and was followed by a fit of laughter.

“Sunday morning shift after the Saturday night shift,” sounded in the background.

Sicheng jumped in when the others had got to say their happy birthdays to Johnny.

“Happy birthday, Johnny,” he said politely as he walked up behind Yuta to peak over his shoulder at Johnny.

“Thank you so much, Sicheng. If you want time with your man in the near future, you better collect him now,” Johnny giggled, pointing at Yuta who was clearly still occupied with teasing Doyoung.

Johnny exchanging a silent conversation with Doyoung as Johnny patted his shoulder and got a pat back in return over his hand.

Taeyong continued after Sicheng.

“This is Qian Kun,” Taeyong said as Kun emerged, pink dress shirt over a basic white t-shirt and pale jeans.

Kun gave Johnny a warm smile and another happy birthday wish, “And Lee Mark,” Taeyong gestured at the second lad walking up to Johnny and who offered Johnny his hand, black fringe falling forward as he gave a nod.

“Just Mark,” Mark said, “Happy belated Birthday,” he continued in English, smiling.

“It’s so nice to meet you. Ah, thank you all so much,“ Johnny replied.

“Kun and Mark are my roommates,” Taeyong explained, “Both majoring in music—Kun in music production and—“

“I’m trying composing and such for the time being,” Mark continued himself, back in Korean.

Johnny seemed surprised to hear Mark talk in English. Sometimes Ten forget that they weren’t all Korean.

“You speak English really well… woah… lessons?“

Before Mark could say anything in reply Yangyang jumped in to answer in English as well: “Nah, he’s Canadian. Happy Birthday, I‘m Yangyang,“ Yangyang beamed and shook Johnny’s hand.

“Nice to meet you,” Johnny said before shifting his gaze over at all of the new faces, ”I’m Johnny, American with an old Korean soul, photographer—and actually the coolest guy of all of them,” and Johnny pointed at his friends beside him, chuckling as Ten noted both Yuta and Doyoung were giving him looks. 

Ten didn’t really expect it when those hazel eyes moved over to him, meeting and holding his gaze for a few moments. Ten swallowed. It seemed that man had the power to make a whole world with the noisest of people cease into thin air. _Fuck, I’m done for_, Ten thought as Johnny walked over to him, arms extending and then suddenly he was hugging him. Ten tried to calm his heart, beating faster and faster in his chest. Was this how it was supposed to be? It wasn’t though, was it? Friends weren’t supposed to make your heart beat out of your mouth. Ten inhaled. There was a nice scent to him, a perfume of some kind. Clean and fresh, like a mixture of greenery, possibly clean cotton, and under a faint tone of Johnny’s personal scent, the one Ten had noticed on New Years too. Ten tried hard not to quiver in Johnny’s grasp—and then he felt it, hot breath against his ear and Ten froze as the words left Johnny’s lips, a whisper for him only.

“Thank you, Chittaphon.“

Ten tried his best to relax._ God, why is it so difficult?_ Ten could deal with stressful situations. This was nothing. Ten raised his own arms belatedly and hugged back, pressing his palms against the soft fabric of Johnny’s white polo neck.

“Happy belated Birthday, fatass,” Ten whispered back, trying hard not to linger on the fact that after all, Johnny had heard Ten’s reply back at the playground—and he had remembered.

“Excuse me?” Johnny said, voice dramatically sulking as he pushed away from Ten—Ten regrettably realising he was already missing Johnny’s solid frame against his, “Fatass? There is no fat, just muscles,“ Johnny continued, ”And even so it comes from the late night orders after you ‘salted’ my homemade food,“ Johnny chuckled and Ten looked down—which generally would have been the best shot he could take, but this only made him stare into Johnny’s firm flat chest still in front of him. 

“This surprise means a lot to me,“ Johnny’s words were soft, soft like the cotton still under Ten’s fingers.

***

Doyoung and Yuta had brought all kinds of sweets from the shop and everyone had a coffee or milk tea in hand. For the first bit they had sat down around the small kitchen table but soon they were placed around the sitting room. Ten seated on the floor below the sofa, Johnny above him in a corner. Beside him was Yoonoh, followed by Doyoung at the left corner. On the other side of the room was Kun, Sicheng and Yuta lounging on Taeyong’s bed. Yangyang on the floor on a cushion and Mark leaning against the corner of the bed. Taeyong had moved a kitchen chair over and was seated behind Ten on his right side. Ten was sipping on green milk tea, one of his favourites, and really, Doyoung’s coffee shop did them brilliantly. Creamy and soft on his tongue.

Ten had placed himself on the floor beside the sofa. Taeyong had put on his small speaker, playing a few songs Ten for once wasn’t acquainted with. Perhaps some new recommendations from Mark. Taeyong too was sipping on green tea, but Ten was pretty certain it was without milk, a macaroon in his hands.

“Mark’s in his second year, YangYang in his first—but another major, but we go to the same uni,” Kun explained the story Ten had heard some time ago to Johnny as they had got to the point of asking what the three of them were doing, “I started my post grad this year. I’ve seen some of your works, Taeyong’s shown me, it’s impressive, really. I wish I was out working already too,” Kun said.

Johnny seemed to be finishing up chewing on a macaroon too, Ten recognised the colour as the salted caramel flavour they had shared some months back.

"Ahh, you are too kind,” Johnny said, smiling, “I am trying to get better with each shoot, trying new things, adding something opposing to a scene, like have a very natural looking model being surrounded by luxury and extras,” and Ten noticed how Johnny’s eyes drifted down to meet Ten’s for a moment. 

“But enough of me…” Johnny said, breaking their eye contact as he switched topic.

The sound of Yoonoh crushing another ice cube with his teeth echoed through the room as he had seemed to pick them out of his Americano throughout the evening. A silence laid itself over them, but only for about a minute and then the youngest started clapping in excitement. Ten already knew what that meant—Yangyang had an idea. Ten only hoped this one was actually a _good_ one.

“Let’s have a Truth or Dare game,” Yangyang suggested.

"Well, I dare you to not be ridiculous,” Doyoung spared no time before protesting but Yangyang, just as Ten had assumed, seemed to ignore the older’s comment as he continued, “Come on, it will be fun!”

Doyoung and Yangyang seemed to have some silent duel as they met eyes across the room until Johnny’s voice broke the silence: “I’m in…” Johnny said—Doyoung already rolling his eyes as he exclaimed, voice the least excited Ten had every heard anyone, “Yay.”

“Of course we are in too,” Yuta joined nevertheless, “Haven’t played it in a while." 

"Sooo, who is gonna start?” Yangyang asked, excitement dripping from his voice as he seemed to practically bounce off the floor where he was seated.

“It’s Johnny’s birthday, isn’t it? So, isn’t it fair that Johnny starts?” Ten said, a smirk on his lips.

Johnny glared down at Ten, though Ten sensed it was without any real seriousness to it.

“Technically it was also Yoonoh’s birthday…” Johnny said, but as if on cue the sound of ice breaking sounded even louder than before. 

“Can’t talk right now,” followed the muffled voice of Yoonoh, mouth clearly still stuffed with ice but Johnny cracked a laugh.

“Dare.”

“Oooh,” someone said and Ten was pretty sure that was Sicheng.

“What should we make him do?” Ten pondered out loud, smirk still in place.

There were a lot of things _he_ wanted Johnny to do, none appropriate or fair. _Fuck, Ten, focus!  
_

It looked like Yoonoh had an idea as he placed the empty cup on the table which saved Ten from any more embarrassing thoughts.

“Well…“ he started but then was interrupted by an exciting Yuta, “Oh, oh, oh! He should give us his phone unlocked for 5 minutes!“

Yangyang made a sound of shock but the intrigue was unmistakably there.

”Oh…” Johnny said, “There is actually not much to see.“

“I bet there iiiis,“ Yuta replied.

Ten glanced at Johnny, and then back to Yuta. Yuta knew Johnny, probably better than Ten did. It didn’t matter that Ten and Johnny had spent several days together the last couple of weeks. Johnny had known Yuta for… shit, Ten didn’t know.

“Well, we’ll see about that soon enough,” Ten said, smirk still in place, “It’s a dare—and if your phone really is that boring it won’t be much of a problem to let us have it for a bit, right? There’s only so much you can do for 5 minutes…” Ten trailed off, eyes back to examining Johnny and his reaction.

Johnny clicked with his tongue and unlocked his phone, handing it over to Ten. Ten took the phone in his hands.

“Start with his photos,” Taeyong suggested and Ten started there.

Ten was quiet for about half a minute, just scrolling through lengths and lengths of… cats. Ten smiled to himself. This man was too precious. There were only a handful of selfies, a couple of pictures of friends or some nice coffee he had had—though Ten recognised the logo as Doyoung’s brand. Mostly there seemed to be a variety of soft, fluffy looking cats with more and more aesthetic poses and colours and some with hilarious expressions.

“What did you find?” Sicheng quipped from beside Yuta, leaning down as if to check if he could see the screen too.

“Um, a lot of cat pictures… so far,” Ten offered, still scrolling, it didn’t seem like he’d be finding any gold here—or well, not any that would fit the game.

Ten glanced up at Johnny, only to catch him shrugging as if he truly couldn’t care any less. Fair. Ten had a great deal of random cat pictures saved on his own device.

Ten moved over to mails, not finding much. Quite a few conversations, back and forth regarding shoots, locations, list of names.

“Oh,” Ten exclaimed as he laid his eyes on a particular email, “Order confirmed!” Ten read out loud, proud to finally having found something of interest—confirmed as he could practically hear Johnny shifting in his seat above him and Ten looked up to check with the others, “It’s from amazon. Thanks for another purchase—let’s see what you ordered…” Ten scrolled down, “That… looks like candy?” he shot Johnny a raised eyebrow, and then continued, “An SD card… how convenient, oh… Water-based,” Ten started, leaning back—away from the sofa, just in case, better safe than sorry, “250ml… silky smooth, premium… oh, that’s very luxurious of you, Johnny.”

The bottle looked nice, Ten noted as he took a last glance at the small picture of the bottle of lube Johnny had ordered. Images of Johnny on his bed, flashed by and Ten swallowed as he consciously forced them away for the time being.

Most seemed to have got the clue as Ten scanned the room. Johnny only shrugged again, an apologetic smile on his lips as he faced the various amused and slightly judging faces around him.

“Come on, you got to love yourself every now and then, and I do not trust anything cheap for little Johnny,” he said casually taking his phone back from Ten’s hands, fingers brushing softly but then Yangyang reminded them that there was still one minute left and Johnny dropped his phone back into Ten’s lap.

Ten raised another eyebrow at Johnny, all the while still smiling.

“Really? I never thought of you as that little,” Ten commented, eyes on Johnny.

“He’s the tallest one in the room, take a joke, Ten!” Mark said but Ten ignored him, instead going directly for Johnny’s text messages.

Ten looked through them, one particular preview peaking his attention—_a good one?_ Ten thought, smirk on his lips.

The contact information read “Sue”. Ten swallowed thickly. He still remembered the conversation he had listened in on at the fashion event.

Sue  
  
Today awakened memories, didn‘t it? Thank you for everything, Johnny. 😘  
  


Ten licked over his lips as he checked the date of the message. 9th of February. That was Johnny’s birthday. The same time Johnny had so conveniently texted _hands full_. Ten swallowed again. So Johnny had spent his birthday with Sue? It was logical, really. Ten hadn’t asked, but he had still seen that they had gone together to the fashion party, and by the way Sue had talked about them it seemed she was aiming to take Johnny back as her boyfriend. It really wasn’t Ten’s business, but her intent had not seemed fair back then and Ten doubted she had changed her mindset. But if that’s who made Johnny happy—it’s all good? Still, the memory of Johnny’s words from Lunar New Year were still fresh on Ten’s mind, _“Someone who just accepts me for who I am, someone who really loves me”_. Was Sue really someone who did that? Not if Ten was to believe her own words.

Ten knew he could show the others that text, it seemed the right kind of topic that would usually come up when playing Truth or Dare—yet, it felt personal. A bit too personal. From what he’d heard from before the whole ordeal with Sue was still raw, still seemed to hurt Johnny, and perhaps he was only trying this out again to see if it could give him what he wanted? Love? Ten licked his bottom lip. He’d ask Johnny about it later, he didn’t have to put it out for everyone to see in case Johnny wasn’t ready to talk about it with everyone.

Ten moved over to Johnny’s contact list quickly instead. 

“How many restaurants do you have saved in your contact list?” Ten asked as he continued to scroll, voice pitched as light and carefree as he could muster, only pausing when he came further down and recognised a name: Sue.

The picture on her contact seemed to be old, she didn’t look the same as she had at the party—but then, people did try to look extravagant for events like that, it was hard to know how recent the picture was. Ten wondered if Johnny had taken that picture himself.

As Ten came further down the list he noticed another name. His own. _Ten_ it read. _Chittaphon_ it was followed up by. Ten swallowed again, silently cursing himself for not finding any salvia to swallow, instead he picked up his milk tea and sipped once.

“Yeah, that’s about it,” Ten said, cursing a second time as he heard his voice sounding a bit deflated.

_He could have given his phone to someone else_, Ten thought, heart beating quicker again, _he didn’t_.

"Well, it’s your turn, Ten. Truth or Dare?” Johnny asked as he put away his phone and Ten looked up to meet his eyes, concern showing between his eyebrows.

Ten plastered his previous smirk back on his lips.

“Dare,” Ten said without missing a heartbeat.

He had already made that decision when Yangyang had suggested it. Truth wasn’t really an option, one day perhaps, but not at this time, and Ten didn’t feel like lying.

“Make at least two people in this room laugh,” Yangyang said as if he had sensed Ten thinking about him, “Not Taeyong though… you probably have a ton of inside jokes,“ Yangyang added.

Clever, Ten had to admit.

“Two?” Ten blurted, straightening up as he took a breath, “No problem, I’m the funniest, most charming one in this room,” he smiled, “Just kidding. Anyway. Two? Not Taeyong? Well. I’m starting with…” Ten pointed at Johnny with his index finger, and Johnny straightened up, taking on an unamused and quite stoic look.

Ten dropped his finger, hands instead coming up to clasp under his face to look as cute as he possibly could.  
“Please laugh for me,” Ten pouted, and then shifted expression within less than a second, “Oppa!” Ten said quite loudly, voice dragged out and pitched higher than usual.

At first Ten feared Johnny had won, but then Johnny broke, as Ten had hoped. Johnny was always weak for anything cute. Johnny’s laughter sounded out, round and infectious and Ten laughed along, smiling in triumph. Ten made the gesture of a one with his index finger, still smiling as he looked around the room, settling on Yoonoh finally, a smirk on his lips before he put up one hand beside his mouth as if to project the sound better.

“How’s the weather up there?” Ten yelled making himself even smaller on the floor, crouching down and squinting up at Yoonoh.

Yoonoh visibly pressed his lips together, managing to not crack any smiles and instead replying: “How’s the shadow down there?“

“It’s pretty cool,” Ten said, nodding approvingly to himself and striking a pose as if he was under a tree relaxing. 

Ten lay down on his back and stretched out on the floor, leaning back on his elbows—and then he reached out with one hand underneath Yoonoh’s feet, tickling him and moving up his ankle.

“But my perspective might be advantageous at times,” Ten smiled.

This time Yoonoh broke into a fit of laughter, trying to get his feet and legs out of Ten’s reach.

“Hey—that was…“ Yoonoh started to protest.

“I swear he doesn‘t know this from me,“ Johnny said amused, both him and Taeyong laughing at Ten’s sides.

Next one was Yoonoh, he seemed to think for a moment.

“Dare,“ he decided as he brushed his hair back, eyes on Taeyong but Ten could already see Mark sitting up a bit, leaning his forearms on his legs.

“I dare you to call the prettiest girl on your phone,” Mark said, smug and clearly entirely unaware of the situation that Yoonoh was in.

Ten could feel Taeyong freezing beside him as the slight bouncing of his left leg stilled, but only for half a second, Ten could feel the fidgeting starting again. Ten only kept his eyes at Taeyong in passing, leaning back against the sofa, head brushing against Taeyong’s legs again. Ten hoped Taeyong could feel his support even if he couldn’t say anything.

“There must be someone you’re dying to call but would never dare to usually,” Mark chuckled as he clearly thought he had come up with something funny.

Ten instead moved his eyes back to Yoonoh who blinked, quiet for another moment. Then Yoonoh’s eyes looked over at Taeyong again but Ten had already seen him looking at the floor. Ten wished Taeyong would look up, perhaps Yoonoh was trying to say something. Yoonoh brushed his fingers through his hair as he shuffled to pick up his phone, scrolling for a bit and then dialing with the speakers on. Someone picked up and after a short moment.

“Hey mom, just calling to tell you that I love you,” Yoonoh’s voice rang, a pause and then he was asked if he was alright.

The call continued as with Mrs. Jung seemeing worried, it was apparent that Yoonoh didn’t usually call her like this.

“Exactly why I am doing this right now,” Yoonoh replied, “Call it a new year’s resolution,” Yooonoh chuckled lowly and after a short exchange of words Mrs. Jung continued, asking: “Are you really okay?” and Yoonoh smiled, Ten saw how his eyes had moved to fixate only on Taeyong, Ten wondered how many of them noticed it, how many of the ones that didn’t already know now _knew_, “More than I ever was. But I have to go now,” and so the call ended soon after.

“There we go” Yoonoh said with a pleased smile.

“Woah, man,” Mark said, “That’s honourable,” he clapped his hands.

Ten joined in and clapped once too because there was not much more he could do. Ten glanced in Taeyong’s way and saw a faint smile on his lips. It would be okay. Ten looked over at Doyoung.

“Guess it’s your turn,” Ten said, smiling, hoping that the best option was to move on—after all, the call had worked out unusually well.

Ten was glad Yoonoh hadn’t fucked up, and not only for his and Taeyong’s sake—but also for Ten’s and Johnny’s friendship. Ten was pretty sure Johnny might find it difficult if he continued to bother Yoonoh.  
Doyoung huffed.

“You really go hard with those dares. I’ll go with truth,” he said and looked over at Kun on the other side of the room.  
Kun seemed to focus, fingers steepled.

“You haven’t spoken much tonight, so why don’t you reveal five facts about yourself that most of us wouldn’t have known about you if not for the game?”

Ten hummed, being quick to add: “You could go for four facts that we,” Ten said, referring to the ones who hadn’t met Doyoung many times before—or at all, “Don’t know about you and one fact that not even your closest friends here know,” Ten smirked.

Doyoung shot both Kun and Ten a look, and Ten was surprised to note it looked almost satisfied.

“Very well,” Doyoung started, turning his attention to the other side of the room where most of the people he didn’t know before today as he started with the first finger, similarly to Ten gestured with his finger and making a one, “I’m running a coffee shop not too far from here and I travel a lot to South America and other countries, so I’m rarely home,” he then held up two fingers, “If you have a grudge against me, mind my advice—surround yourself with cucumbers and I shall leave you be. I hate cucumbers,” as Doyoung finished on his second fact Yuta chuckled beside Sicheng, it looked as if there was a particular memory that came to his mind.

“That one is more true than anything,” Yuta said, Doyoung only smiling in return, so far seemingly unbothered by mentioning a dislike.

“Hm… fact three about me—I actually like this noisy Howl over there. He can be annoying but is one of the most hard working men I know,” Doyoung kept a straight face as he glanced over at Yuta with his hair touching his shoulders, lips parted in a small o, Ten could swear Doyoung looked even more amused than before.

“Hm and another one: I love to sleep and do nothing and actually enjoy some alone time more than you might think,” Yoonoh smiled and nodded as if agreeing, in a supportive manner or by agreeing to think the same, Ten wasn’t certain.  
Doyoung inhaled and licked his bottom lip as he was clearly thinking about his last fact.

“If I had not discovered my love for coffee and running my business… I might have become a singer." 

Ten noticed the silence that stretched over them, especially around those that knew Doyoung better.

“We could take you on an audition for a small project,” Kun offered quite suddenly, “They’re looking for some extras at uni. You could try your luck?” Kun smiled, and Ten couldn’t make out if it was of kindness or if there was a hint of a challenge.

“Just letting you know,” Kun added, his smile turning softer.

Doyoung’s quite expressive eyebrows raised as Kun’s offer seemed to sink it.

“I‘ll keep that in mind, but for now I am happy with how things are, thank you,“ Doyoung said, eyes still on Kun as he continued, “Truth or dare, my new friend?“

“You're welcome, new friend, let me know if you have any second thoughts,” Kun said, then wiggling his eyebrows at Doyoung, laughing, “Why not go with truth then, try _my_ luck?” Kun smiled.

A smirk started to show as Doyoung seemed to think about it. Ten noted the way Yangyang shifted on his pillow on the floor as if ready to blurt one and forget about Doyoung, but Doyoung was quicker.

“Tell us your top five pet peeves.“

“Oh my god, really? Why would you want to know?” Kun scratched the back of his head, still smiling as he leaned back on Taeyong’s bed, “Well… um,” he started, either buying time or considering what to reply with, “Anything that revolves around insects—uh, ew,” he said as if disgusted by the mere thought, “Like,” he continued, gesture mirroring Doyoung, five fingers in the air, “Mosquitos, spiders, maggots, butterflies, and Ten.”

“Ey!” Ten exclaimed.

Kun rolled his eyes, and then ignored Ten, eyes fixed on Doyoung. _Really?_ When had Ten been so annoying that he had ended up on Kun’s top five? Ten shook his head in disbelief, yet unable to wipe the smile off his lips.

“As long as you’re not like him,” Kun said, not even sparing time to look or gesture towards Ten, “I’m sure I’ll like you plenty, new friend,” Kun smiled.

Johnny chuckled beside Ten and Ten glanced up, momentarily locking eyes with Johnny’s.

“Come _on_, butterflies are not that bad,“ Johnny offered but Kun only glared back—which seemed to amuse Johnny further.

Sicheng was next, and Yuta shifted in his seat to face him.

“Dare, dare, dare!“ Yuta requested excitedly.

Sicheng swatted Yuta over his arm, a smile still on his lips even so.

“Fine!” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

The beam that took over Yuta’s face almost looked like it was hurting in Ten’s opinion. It fitted him nevertheless. As unlikely as it was, they fitted well together.

“Oh, oh, we know that _look_,“ Johnny said from above Ten.

Ten was expecting something dirty. If they were lucky it would only be some teasing, but if Ten had got the right vibes off the man Yuta really only had one thing on his mind. However Yuta let everyone wait with anticipation before finally breaking the silence, lifting his hand to try to get something out of his jacket.

“I‘ve been meaning to give you this tonight, so why not now…” Yuta said, voice soft as he unfolded his fingers to reveal a small piece of metal in his hand.

Ten looked on, uncertain as Yuta’s eyes were focused on Sicheng. Finally Yuta’s hand shifted a bit and Ten saw the familiar shape of a key.

“I dare you to move in with me.“

Sicheng’s eyes were fixed on the key in Yuta’s hands, and everyone seemed to be holding their breath. He blinked, seemingly frozen in place.

“Winkoooo, don‘t leave me hanging or I have to get the ring from my jacket…“ Yuta said and that seemed to do the trick, Sicheng finally making a first attempt at a reaction, hands coming up to clasp over his mouth as he raised his gaze from the key to Yuta’s eyes. 

“Oh my god,” Sicheng said—unusually for him—uttered in English, “I—I—“ he tried as he lowered his hands from his face, visibly swallowed as he gave a short nod.

Yuta grinned as he cupped Sicheng’s face, palms against his cheeks.

“Saranghaeyo. Saranghaeyo, Winwinnie,“ Yuta said, giving Sicheng a small peck on his cheek, “Just see this as an invitation and reminder that my home is always your home. We’ll see how things work,” Yuta beamed again, looking exceptionally proud of himself—and then he moved, as if noticing someone looking at him and winked (Ten looked in that direction. It was Doyoung), giggling some more.

Even though the gesture was small and made with very few movements Ten had no trouble seeing Sicheng’s hand moving to settle down on the bed, then moving a few inches until he could put his hand over Yuta’s.

“I‘ll go with a…“ Yuta started again after a short moment, looking at one of the few who hadn’t made a suggestion at all tonight and his eyes, quite unsurprisingly focused on Sicheng, “Dare, baby.“

“Me?” Sicheng asked, a bit flustered as a nice shade of pink was still visible on his cheeks, “Um…” Sicheng’s eyes drifted away for a moment, down the floor as his voice grew a bit smaller—pitched lower, “I dare you to go on a dance workshop with me, work on a performance together,” Sicheng’s eyes were still on the floor.

Ten bit his bottom lip. That was a good one. Yet he couldn’t explain why he felt a small spike of jealousy. There was still the performance that Kun would work on with them and Yangyang. It wasn’t as if Ten was losing a dance partner? Ten took a breath. He had to work on being less selfish.

Yuta raised the hand that was linked to Sicheng and Ten could tell that Sicheng was trying not to lose it as the affection was put on display, it only increased as Yuta lowered his head and pressed a kiss to Sicheng‘s knuckles.

“That isn’t a dare, but my dream, _baka_,“ Yuta said.

“As if anything else would come out of your mouth,“ Ten heard Doyoung’s dry voice commenting before taking another sip from his mug, the sound too loud to not be intentional, “Ugh, so sweet,“ Doyoung complained as he placed the cup back on the small folding table. 

“That one’s on you,” Ten laughed.

“Wait until you fall in love, Doyoung,“ Johnny said and his voice was so soft, so gentle—Tens laughter died down.

“I am waiting,“ came Doyoung’s reply and Ten thought he heard him telling Yuta and Sicheng something like: “I am happy for you two, and of course I want to watch the performance for sure,“ but Ten wasn’t too sure himself. His mind too busy processing Johnny’s words. _Love_, there it was again. Was it love that Johnny felt? When he texted with Sue? When he met her? What was it like? Being able to spend time with someone one really loves, being allowed to share smiles, laughter, kindness—but also touches, touches only meant for one’s _love_. _Would it be different?_ Ten wondered. To touch someone Ten hadn’t met the very same day, but someone he would know? Would it burn, hurt—or would it be soft, gentle, kind and understanding—like Johnny’s voice? 

_Shit_. Ten was in deep waters. _Be careful_, Taeyong’s voice echoed again. _I know_, Ten thought, _I know—and yet_.

“Thank you,” Ten heard Sicheng saying—to who, Ten didn’t know; could be Yuta, or Doyoung, or possibly both.

“Doyoung always plays the meanie weenie—but he’s the softed of us all,“ Yuta’s voice commented. 

“I wish to resume my fact three,“ Doyoung immediately protested.

It was followed by laughter and Ten joined in. Because it was easier to ignore. Easier to try to forget.

Yuta then pointed at Yangyang.

“Your turn, gummy grin,“ and Yangyang’s smile only grew broader.

“Truth.“

Kun poked at YangYang with his foot from the bed.

“Tell everyone about two memories you much rather wish everyone would forget that you were ever involved in,” Kun smiled.

“Oof…“ Yangyang scratched his chin and then hugged his pillow to his chest, “I’m such a good boy and living with no regrets,“ he said and giggled mischievously.

Ten heard Kun huffing. It seemed true, Yangyang’s words, by the months that Ten had stumbled upon Yangyang that sentence seemed to be one thing that truly rang true.

“But I could happily erase the memory of going up the rhine tower back when I lived in Germany with my Mom and sister… I hate heights and shouldn‘t have agreed on trying,“ the youngest explained shuddered—Ten made eye contact with Kun over the room.

Yep, confirmed. Yangyang was acting.

“Another one is actually a TMI but I often get brain freezes since I’m eating so much ice cream. You know them? Ugh.“  
Kun laughed and Ten threw a cushion he had beside him on the floor at YangYang.

“We’ll let you off that one, _not_,” Ten emphasised, “Because you’re the youngest but because were very, very kind,” Ten smiled.

Yangyang giggled and threw the pillow back.

“You _are just_ jealous of my youth; old man,“ he teased and actually got another pillow thrown his way, this time from Johnny.

“What does that mean, green ear? Respect the wisdom,“ Johnny said which only earned him more laughter from Yangyang.

“Which one? The water based one?“

Another fit of laughter and giggles followed until it was Mark’s turn.

“Truth or Dare?“

“Um,” Mark said, clearly thinking, “Dare? Dare. Shoot,” he said as if he was physically preparing for something.

Kun giggled beside Mark.

“Freestyle rapping?”

Everyone seemed to agree and cheered Mark on, Ten and Yangyang joining in with beatboxing and Mark going on for about half a minute. He finally stumbled on a few words as it was starting to get quicker and he sat down on his cushion below the bed again.

“Yeah,” he said, tilting his head as if slightly embarrassed.

“Well done, mate,” Kun said and they exchanged a smile.

“Dare,” Taeyong said without anyone having asked him yet.

Ten looked around as everyone seemed to check if anyone was going to suggest anything. Eventually Johnny gave in, grinning.

“I dare you to do something very unexpected tonight at a suitable time for you. Surprise us.“

***

Eventually it was Mark who complained. His complaints, to be fair, held some truths. After some insisting on his part everyone seemed to agree. They were all quite literally fed up with sweets, and since most of them had prepared for the surprise party there hadn’t been much time neither for lunch nor dinner. There was a call for a midnight snack—or a meal, more like it. However, decisions were harder to make than they had first thought and after some heated discussions about noodles, soups or anything fried they decided to split up. Taeyong and Yoonoh were the first to offer going out, but soon they realised they wouldn’t have arms or hands enough to carry that many cartons for everyone’s specific taste. Nevertheless, they all seemed to agree that Johnny was to stay behind, even as he insisted he wanted to help out. “It’s your birthday, idiot!” Ten had exclaimed and somehow they had ended up being the only two left back at Taeyong’s flat. The rest all deciding to go out and order in different things. Ten didn’t mind though, it was still cold outside, and there were a few things he wanted to ask Johnny anyway.

Taeyong lingered behind for a bit before leaving, standing on the threshold and Ten walked up to him.

“What?” Ten asked, voice hushed.

“Just…” Taeyong said, eyes drifting to Johnny who was still seated in the sofa, “Be careful?”

“I know—you said,” Ten replied, trying hard to not break right then.

_It’s bad_, he wanted to say.

"Don’t worry,” Ten said instead and smiled before closing the door after the lot of them. 

He turned around back to Johnny still placed on the sofa.

“Guess you’re stuck with me for a bit,” Ten said, grinning anyway.  
****

Johnny smiled in return, moving aside a pillow beside him to make space for Ten.

“Ah, that’s actually more than alright for me,“ Johnny said as he brushed his hair back, “I didn’t expect this tonight, thank you for the party, Chittaphon.“

Ten licked over his bottom lip as he walked over to Johnny, slowly sitting down on the sofa beside him. Ten swallowed. _Chittaphon_. Ten had almost forgotten about that part of him. Something not for show biz. Something real, authentic. When was the last time someone had called him that?

“You’re welcome,” Ten replied, meaning it, “I’m glad if you liked it.”  
Ten took another breath.

“Um… I’m not… very used to people calling me that,” he said, voice sounding a lot smaller than before.

“Oh? So Taeyong is also calling you Ten?“ Johnny asked, voice sounding curious, “If you prefer that, I adapt easily.“

Ten gave a small smile.

"Yes, he does,” Ten admitted, “I don’t know… I guess I’m just not… used to being… him,” Ten chuckled at himself.

Johnny tilted his head.

“Him? You mean yourself? Maybe it’s time to get used to a lot of things, mhh?“

Ten smiled, leaning his head on the back of the sofa as he looked over at Johnny.

“I guess,” he said, smile still on his lips, Ten bit his bottom lip.

“I was meaning to ask you,” Ten started, eyes drifting down as he found a loose thread in the sofa, fingers reaching out to touch it, “I know it’s not my business… but I couldn’t help but see,” Ten swallowed, not sure how to continue.

“Did something upset you?“

Ten’s eyes flicked up to Johnny’s, and then down to the thread again.

“Ah, no, no… I’m not upset,” Ten assured, giving a slight shake of his head, not sure if he was trying to reassure Johnny or himself, “I just… I saw some of your recent texts… I… I guess I just wanted to say I hope you had fun on your birthday?” Ten looked up to meet Johnny’s eyes again, a smile on his lips, “I mean. Your real one, not today. On the 9th. I hope you spent it with someone you like,” Ten bit his lip as he studied Johnny.

“It was not how I expect my birthday this year to be,” Johnny answered, brushing another strand of hair back behind his ear, “Indeed, I got a surprise visit that evening that stayed with me a couple of days. It was just like old times in a way,” there was a fond smile on Johnny’s lips, mind clearly on those memories and Ten found it hard to swallow again, “It felt good to take care of someone again.”

Ten’s eyes drifted down, as he exhaled. Sinking down lower onto the sofa, his head dangerously close to Johnny’s thigh. It was a big sofa, and Ten had no problem fitting in it. He might as well make himself comfortable. The conversation was calling for it, if nothing else.

“So you found love?” Ten breathed, voice barely audible.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

Ten looked up at Johnny.

“Sue. Do you love her?”

“Wait, wait, wait, Sue? Oh, no, no…” Johnny chuckled then and looked down at Ten, “My ex even forgot my birthday that day, just meaning to drop off Sparks.”

Ten’s eyebrows furrowed.

“What? But… wait… you’re trying to tell me she only came by… with the cat?”

“Yeah, Sue asked me to take care of her cat. Sparks was sick that time so I could not leave my little friend alone that evening,” Johnny made a brief pause, and then continued, “What Sue and I had ended last year. I’m not an idiot to fall for her twice. She showed me her true intentions more than ones.”

Ten looked at Johnny.

“I moved on,” Johnny said.

“I know it’s none of my business,” Ten said after a moment’s silence, “but… I’m glad.”

“You were concerned about that?”

“I heard her…” Ten’s eyes drifted away again, “At the fashion party, she was talking with a friend. I happened to stand beside and heard parts of their conversation… her intentions… didn’t seem very kind,” he tried.

When Ten looked back Johnny seemed surprised.

“Oh you did? Well… I only took her with me that time because she asked me to. She works hard and this event was a chance for her after all. She never loved me but I did have feelings for her last spring… and in a way you can not just stop caring for someone, no matter how wrong their intentions are. I wanted to give her that chance for her career, but that’s it.”

“You’re too good,” Ten commented quietly.

_He’s too good for me_. Ten breathed in.

“You see that as a weakness?” Johnny asked.

Ten pinched Johnny’s side, easily accessed from where he was lying down and Johnny giggled, even though it was only a small pinch—through his jumper. Perhaps he was even more ticklish than Yoonoh?

“Of course not!” Ten chuckled, “It’s just… you never cease to amaze me, Johnny. I didn’t think people like you existed. Willing to give anyone a second chance.”

“Well, I am glad I do. Everyone deserves a second chance, some maybe even three. People are trying, everyone does. I would wish for someone to give me a chance too, so why should I deny it.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, our chapters are turning increasingly longer? Hope you're liking where the story is going so far! Thank you to any readers coming by and everyone who's stayed with us since the start! It means so very much! Any kudos, bookmarks and of course comments are appreciated, it means the world to us—thank you! And, a happy new year!  
We introduced some new characters in this chapter and hope you enjoyed them! Additional character: Yoonoh, Doyoung, Yuta, and Yangyang are written by @caledra, and Taeyong, Sicheng, Kun and Mark are written by @dracospungen.


	6. Spring Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the main story, there will be an epilogue posted shortly which follows up on a few events but this chapter can also be read as the final and last of the fic.

**JOHNNY**

27th of February, the days passing like hours really. 

But this day was special because he was with everyone he cared about and also liked the new people from Taeyong’s side. He enjoyed himself greatly, laughing, joking a lot, and it felt like he surely needed more of this quality time in his life again. 

The Truth or Dare game was hilarious and highly interesting for everyone, so many different personalities coming together.  
It had been ages that Johnny played it last time but swore that the dares were much milder back then than now. The fact that from all people Ten checked his phone and found his order for lubrication in his amazon list was – embarrassing.

He perfectly managed to act cool, as if this did not fluster him. But if only anyone knew why he felt like he was caught by doing something wrong. 

His hazel eyes moved to Ten. No one needed to know indeed.

An hour later everyone except for Ten and Johnny were getting ready to get them some late snacks, a few street food stands nearby the apartment should be still open if they hurry. They all insisted Johnny to stay here since it was his party and he should not work for it.  
Ten kept him company until they all would come back.

It was a welcome situation. This way Johnny could actually thank the other privately for this evening, this surprise, this reminder of what was important.  
It was all cool until Ten was mentioning Sue and his expression clearly changing, if he intended to or not. If Johnny had feelings for her?  
It turned out that this was all a misunderstanding in a way, and Johnny remembered the time that might led to Ten’s theory.

***

Back on 9th February he got a call from Sue, hadn’t heard from her ever since the event where he had left her alone to follow Ten.  
He thought she just called to wish him a Happy Birthday, but it appeared that she had forgotten about that. 

Instead she was pretty close to tears and worried about her cat Sparks, the little black fellow that Johnny held close to his heart forever. 

Sparks got sick that day and since Sue had major plans that she did not explain further to Johnny, she asked if he could take care of the kitten and have an eye on him for the next few days as well.

How was the photographer supposed to say “no” to that?

He already had a guilty feeling for leaving Sue hanging at the event in not a polite and known way of him. 

Plus it was Sparks, who needed someone and if his ex was this busy as she claimed, no one else could probably take him in better care.  
The cat was very picky with liking humans, Johnny luckily got approved, so he would not make any trouble to stay at his place.  
Sparks had lived there for a couple of months after all. 

So it was early in the evening when Sue rang his doorbell to bring the cat. 

He invited her inside and got instructions for the medicine and diet plan the vet gave her. The photographer made some notes before she hurried back outside, since the car was waiting. 

She had her traveler purse with her, it looked like she was supposed to leave for the airport or something. Johnny did not really care where to or why, so he did not even ask.  
He only was concerned for the pet at this point and wanted his little friend to recover quickly.  
  


Even so, she forgot his birthday, she did not forget some manners to hug Johnny and thank him for taking care of her cat the next few days. Johnny returned the hug at the open door and off she went. A small glance in her direction told Johnny that the car was expensive and a man in suit waiting for Sue. She must have found someone new, good for her.  
Whatever the reasons were for her to leave, it must be important to her.  
So there was not much more to think about for Johnny. 

He walked back in and canceled most plans he had the next day.  
During that time he received a message from Ten, who remembered his birthday. It made Johnny smile, remembering to have talked about it on Lunar New Year.  
He remembered. 

Although he was happy to read the message, he sadly was unable to reply right away with the cat demanding a lot of his attention.  
But later on he texted the model and really did not think much about it.  
How could Ten think he was spending time with his ex, rather than his friends? 

Silly.  
  
He was actually alone. Very alone. And that reminded him of another thing of that day that was associated with Ten. Damn it.  
  
Once Sparks was asleep after taking the medicine, Johnny had ordered pizza, opened a beer and just turned on the TV but there was not anything good to watch really. He turned it off after checking his favourite channels, rolling on his back and looking at the ceiling.  
This was by far the quietest birthday he had.Not too bad, but this silence, the dark room, a slight coldness in the room - all of this was getting a toll on him.  
  
Thoughts drifting to some thoughts he truly wish to ignore most of the time.  
Yuta and Yoonoh were all over their boyfriends, perhaps this was why Johnny slightly felt like not celebrating .He truly wished only the best for them and was happy that they found love.  
But what about him?  
Why had he said yes to watch over Sparks and dropped his plans with the others?  
“Because you are Johnny Suh” he literally could hear Yoonoh’s voice on his mind and rubbed his tired eyes.  
He could be with him, and Yuta (and their boyfriends)? What was the big deal?  
How did these envious thoughts come into mind?   
He remembered the time when he was in a relationship and Yoonoh was not. Only know actually understanding that at times… it truly sucked to be a third wheel.  
  
He needed to fix that this year, get things to a normal routine, “Finding love.”  
Somehow his conversation with Ten on the swings got to him and he nodded in silence.  
He wanted the warmth in his chest again, the feeling to be needed, to be appreciated and loved, feeling warm smooth skin on his.   
He absently started to rub his belly, scratching it a little and after a while his hand moved lower and under his joggers. 

  


Johnny inhaled and held his breath for a moment, eyes closing as his hand closed around his member. He exhaled and repeated the move, and another time. It’s been a moment since he took this kind of care of himself, slowly stroking his length and pulling the joggers down to not stain his clothing.  
He worked his hand up and down, swirling the palm over the sensitive head, drawing his hand to his mouth and applying some salvia, no lubrication around.  
It helped and made him feel more, his panting increasing but somehow.. It wouldn’t work just like that.  
Johnny closed his eyes, trying to think of some moments that usually helped him with this. He thought about Sue, a scene from a movie with this cute actress and her American boyfriend he associated a lot with… nothing.  
At one point his lust was not increasing as he wished for.  
It was quite a struggle, was he even not functioning for himself anymore?  
How to handle his own body’s needs when the mind won’t shut up?   
He moved his head to the side, still trying, stroking faster, firmer… eyes were now locked on a picture that was still laying on the coffee table.  
  
A pointy nose, fierce eyes, water reflection and drops on smooth skin.  
He must have forgotten to put this one back into the envelope that he still often brought back from his desk. And then he looked down on himself when actually his salvia had been gone from the intense stroking and yet something was different.  
He only focused on his tip for now, feeling how some precum helped much better with the dryness and he panted, eyes falling back on the table.  
  
Was it… this?  
  
He looked at the photo from this distance unable to actually see every detail but his mind had captured all of this shoot in perfect precision.  
  
He remembered Ten diving into the water, how he came up on the surface and brushed his hair back, pearls of water running down his face, his cheeks, his chin, how those eyes were on him.. Not technically. They were looking at his camera but… on his mind Ten was looking at him.  
Johnny started to pant, not daring to open his eyes as he started to fantasize more.  
Ten walking up, slowly, eyes never breaking eye contact. The model leaned over and smiled.  
  
Why did this work? Who cared. He… couldn’t stop.  
  
He saw Ten’s graceous movements, the elegance, the extraness, the sexiness.  
Of course these features are there not just in his fantasies, but it was hitting him differently now.  
They were doing things to Johnny, triggering feelings and wishes he could not explain.  
He imagined how Ten unbuttoned his shirt, just the first button, then the second, smiling at him the way he did as he was fed with the macaron in Johnny’s hand in such a seductive way.  
He had his flirtatious ways, it was so easy for Johnny to recall them all, combine them in this very moment and getting himself closer and closer.  
Ten straddled him and rested his arms on his shoulders, leaning in for a kiss.  
Johnny’s mouth inwardly opened and he licked them, increasing the pace. His hand slid under the black shirt, feeling a marble between his fingers, a moan escaping Ten… or was it Johnny?  
The tension of muscles indicated his earnest undoing right there.   
Johnny shot into his closed palm, capturing all of his liquid and was trying to catch his breath, panting and feeling the final release washing over him. 

  
His body relaxed and he felt pressed to the couch, eyes finally opening to look back at the ceiling, heat clearly noticeable on his cheeks.  
  
What… was that?  
  
He looked down on himself and noticed one or two drops of cum already slipping through his fingers. “Damn it..” He muttered and walked carefully to the bathroom.  
As he heated the water up again after a cold moment to regain a clear head, Johnny leaned against the shower wall with his hand, water running down his body and he was trying to find reasons why he was thinking about Ten in a moment like this?  
  
Why did it arouse him like that?  
These images.  
Ten’s smile.  
Ten’s eyes.  
His body.  
God.  
  
All of this was made up, his mind pulling all the strings right now. It could have been anyone else too, right? He just saw the photo and… water drops.  
  
No no no.. you do not think of that again. Johnny scolded his own mind and turned off the shower.  
  
Had he been alone for too long? No.  
  
This had not been a problem before.  
So what was different, Johnny Suh?

  
He returned to the living room, Sparks just purred in his sleep on a cushion next to the TV. Good thing he had no one to witness this moment.  
Eyes moving to the photo again and he looked at it after picking it up.  
It was his favourite, it resembled all that Ten was. And tonight even more. Those Lips.  
  
“Damn it.”  
  


He brushed his wet hair back, quickly walking over to his desk to get the envelope and put that damn photo back inside to the others. His heart was racing, he felt so confused, and did not even know how he could… think like that?  
  
It was embarrassing too.   
  
Not ever will anyone know about this, he will ban this moment.  
He will order lube so it will work better the next time, without him needing … fantasies.  
  
THESE fantasies.  
Yes this is what he needed to do.  
***  
And from all people Ten had been the one checking this certain order.  
Fuck you Coincidence.  
  


Back in the here and now - at his birthday party he listened to Ten’s words regardless of those flashbacks when they could hear someone unlocking the door. Johnny immediately sat up straight and turned around when seeing one by one of his friends entering.  
  


“Enough of the gossip talk you two.” Yuta said and everyone was placing the food into the kitchen.  
Johnny grinned and stood up.  
“Speaking of the devil.”  
He patted Yuta and wrapped his arm around the Japanese’ shoulders waiting for the snacks to get unwrapped.  
How come he was already hungry again?  
  
Everyone was getting their own plate ready and seated themselves in the same order as they were sitting before.  
It was quiet for a while before the first were finished and Johnny observed Yoonoh looking at Taeyong, then nodding.  
  
Hm?

What was this about?  
  
Yoonoh then looked at Johnny and nodded as well.  
Honestly, he had no clue what this was about but somehow he sensed some tension between the couple. .  
  
Luckily his confusion was not to last long as Taeyong spoke up,

"I have something to announce," he said in a very casual calm tone, looking at Yoonoh and Johnny somehow sensed what was about to happen.  
  
Really?  
  


Everything seemed to freeze for a moment as Taeyong took the remaining steps closer to Yoonoh, hands coming up to rest around his boyfriend's neck.  
Johnny could hear someone gasping in the background—Mark, most likely.  
He could see this happy smile on Taeyong’s face as he leaned in and kissed Yoonoh in front of everyone. 

Taeyong leaned back, the grin back on his face.  
To Johnny it felt like … he was set free from leashes neither of the two ever wanted to be chained to.  
  
Johnny just grinned at the couple, eating his slice of pizza calmly while others spoke up and cheered for them first. He will have that chance soon enough.  
The photographer stopped chewing however, when he heard the next announcement as Taeyong looked over to Ten. 

"Oh...I forgot to say it earlier... Happy Birthday, Ten."  
And Ten just softly answering with a “Thank you”.  
As if that was nothing.  
Nothing?  
  
“For real?” Johnny asked and placed the plate on the table, cleaning his lips as he actually walked over to the model.  
“Why did you not tell? I had no idea.”  
He offered his hand to help Ten up so he could hug his friend another time.  
“Happy Birthday...” he said quietly and still couldn’t believe all of this happening on this day.  
“Didn’t want to steal your spotlight big boy,” Ten whispered teasingly. Johnny looked over to Taeyong who eyed them in the embrace and grinned, 

“You really made this dare to good use. Congratulations to you two as well.”  
The others lined up to congratulate Ten, so Johnny let go and actually walked over to also give Taeyong and his best friend a hug.  
“About time... god I am so relieved you did it. Both of you, I mean..” he glanced from one to the other.  
“You both are smiling like idiots. Ahhh so endearing.”  
  
They truly looked so good together, so united, made for one another. Johnny thought and gave Yoonoh a nod a proud brother would. This was a very special day for Yoonoh, a gift, a late birthday gift he made himself.  
  
Speaking of, he looked over and saw Ten waving off the others congratulations as best as possible. Yuta could be very persistent.  
“We have more important news now!” the model said and pointed at the couple, wishing for the attention to drop off him. How interesting to witness, didn’t he like to be the center of things? Well it was all depending on priorities and truthfully - who actually cared about his birthday party. 

This evening belonged to Taeyong and Yoonoh now. And Johnny and Ten were okay with that.  
  
Johnny watched Ten smiling at Taeyong. He was probably just as happy for them as Johnny was. And when he saw Ten actually hugging Yoonoh rather than Taeyong, even Johnny felt touched. They did not have the best start, Johnny had wished for him to give Yoonoh a chance, defending his best friend and his actions as best he could. And it appeared that Ten was really… trying. 

And when this already felt so precious and surprising to Johnny, how must Taeyong feel at this very moment?  
Well, the other photographer just beamed from one ear to the other, eyes sparkling even.  
  
Ah, if only Johnny got his camera with him to capture this.  
  
If only. 

Everyone calmed down after that, they finished their meals and talked for a while before they all decided to help clean up the mess. When most of it was done and the apartment looked okayish, it was Taeyong who suggested for the ones not living here to go home.  
It was getting late.  
Only Yoonoh managed to protest and stay, surely the two wanted to not leave each other’s side tonight.  
Mark and Kun also assured everyone that they were good and everyone should find some rest.  
Yangyang, Yuta, Sicheng and Doyoung left before Johnny and Ten. But they also got Taeyong’s look and message to leave soon enough.  
  
“Well, I don't really want to fight them. They outnumber us.” Johnny shrugged as he turned to Ten. And after a nod of agreement the two friends were on their way back home after saying their goodbyes.  
  
Johnny had insisted on accompanying Ten.  
His place was half way from his own home, so he would not even make a detour from Taeyong’s flat. And this way he could be assured that Ten made it home safely. 

  
They walked in silence to the train station, Johnny felt happy but also very tired and figured that Ten was not feeling anything different from this. 

It was chilly but not as much as other nights that he spent with Ten out on the street.  
No one else was around and after an evening with so many noisy people around them, this silence was very soothing.  
Johnny wore a long coat and had his hands in his pockets, contemplating when it will be the right time to talk with Ten about something very important to him. 

He had told Yoonoh some days ago and planned on telling Yuta and his other friends soon as well. Not here though. He needed the right moment for it.  
  


Johnny checked the time and nodded as he checked the time sheet on a wall for the arrivals. "We had not missed the last line... I blame your birthday for bringing us luck."  
He chuckled and added.  
"And don't even try to protest when I accompany you home. I can walk the rest to my place. I ate way too much and can use that walk."  
  


Ten shrugged, “I’ll do anything for you,” with a wink on his face before adding,  
“Well, guess you need the walk then, fatass,” Ten never missed a chance to tease Johnny, giggling as he took some long strides in front of Johnny, for the moment walking backwards so he was still facing Johnny.

"At least I can work on that, Imp"  
Johnny said to counter and chuckled as well.  
He just loved to joke around with the other like that, grateful to be able to. There was a time where he did not believe himself of them being so carefree around one another. 

The train arrived and the two got inside, even the wagon was abandoned from people.  
Wow, was it really that late already?  
The two sat down and Johnny looked at Ten through the reflection of the window, making grimaces for no good reason. 

"So.. you really thought you would get away with not telling me about your birthday, just like that." He clicked with his tongue, his expression getting a little more serious. 

"Well, perhaps it’s a "kinda" gift when I tell you that your photos got me the probably biggest chance I ever had for my work."

“What?!” Ten exclaimed, covering his mouth with his hands in surprise,

“No way?”  
Johnny could see this growing smile on Ten’s face before a playful punch of the other’s fist against Johnny’s shoulder made him stop looking at him like that. Johnny chuckled and rubbed the spot before the other said,  
“I knew it was only a matter of time before you would get noticed! I‘d only be satisfied with the very best,” 

Johnny could feel how this was flustering him. He was never good with receiving compliments, but a pro when he himself could cheer for someone like Ten did. 

  
“Really? It’s happening? Which gallery do I need to visit now—or in the near future?” He heard Ten asking. **  
** Johnny pressed his lips together, still feeling like all of this was surreal.  
"I ... well." Johnny looked down on his fingers.  
"It would be quite a ride..."  
He finally said and it was clear that this was said with mixed feelings.  
"I got this job in New York."

Hazel eyes glanced up to Ten, who raised his eyebrows, who responded with a broad smile. 

“Oh my god, that’s? That’s brilliant. I mean...” Ten trailed off as he seemingly caught the tone in Johnny’s voice, “It is brilliant. That’s tremendous.”

"It's crazy" Johnny added and shook his head.  
“I got the call last week, the contract two days ago. It is for two projects that will take around 3 months. And they did mention further projects if the previous ones will be successful. They will extend the contract then and even pay my rent, and the payment.. God.” He brushed through his hair, he never cared much for money but this truly dropped off some worries he always had in mind, especially when being around people like Yoonoh and Doyoung.  
“This all feels not real to be honest. And all because.. you... you convinced me to send the photos in." 

“Because of me? I keep hearing that,”  
Ten laughed,  
“Don’t be stupid—someone would have found you soon enough, but...”  
Johnny looked at Ten who sincerely smiled at him,  
“I’m glad you sent them in. I don’t usually... look at pictures of me,” Ten confessed, “But you... you have something else—something more,”  
Ten’s voice sounded so gentle to Johnny, until it shifted, giggles finding their way out again,  
“Shit, that’s great. I’m so happy for you, Johnny.”  
  


"Come on, you are just biased because I bought you tteokbokki." 

Johnny clicked with his tongue again and shook his head. He really couldn’t handle the praise right now, but at the moment this was all he really needed to hear, his friends supporting this. 

Anything else and he would probably hesitate to leave so much behind for the time being.  
Deep down he wanted this chance, but it also demanded huge new steps, unknown times and territory. It was exciting yes. But also - in a way - scary. 

  
"When this all works out, I want you, Yoonoh and Taeyong to come visit me. If we can work on this."

“Of course,” Ten replied immediately,  
“We’ll find a time and date that fits us all! We have to! I need to see you in your true environment, American boy,” Ten smiled, one hand resting briefly on Johnny’s arm and the photographer appreciated it. 

  
"I... I would really like that" Johnny said and now felt much more relaxed about it, knowing how Ten was thinking about this chance.  
"No matter what you believe or say... I really want to thank you. For a lot of things."

  
“Ah, there’s no need,” Ten smiled, “I’ve not done much,” he said as if he really believed that.

  
"You offered me that photoshoot on your own.. That's more than any other ever did and this got me this chance, Ten. “ **  
**“You’re wrong,” Ten’s smile never ceased,  
“You got yourself this chance. I’m just the model, it could have been anyone. It’s _your_ eye that they want. I’m not the one who got the offer, you did—you got yourself this.”

  
Johnny sighed "Is it really impossible to credit where credit is due? No more tteokbokki for you"

Ten pouted, arms crossing over his chest before he broke the act, laughing.  
“I guess I’ll have to treat you next time then, I hope they have tteokbokki in New York.”

  
"By the time you come, I found out." Johnny said and smiled, the next station being the one where they would have to exit the train. They walked to Ten’s place and wished each other a good night.  
  
Just like Yoonoh he was offered help from his friend when he will move or have to pack stuff and everything. Johnny was so very grateful to have friends like him and Ten.  
He explained to keep the apartment here in Seoul, just in case the projects will not turn out the way he wants to, after all - his artist block was still kicking. So he would not pack that many things and also would be closer to his family, surely getting a chance to fly over to Chicago to see them.  
  
He was more and more looking forward to it.  
  
Only a month left before it all will be happening.  
***

Some weeks passed when Johnny just got home after doing some errands for the upcoming trip and Yoonoh called.   
“Johnny?”  
“I’m here, I’m here, just… one sec.” He put the bag down before properly holding his phone and listening.  
“What can I do for you, Mr. Jung.”  
He heard a chuckle on the other end but then a sigh.  
“I need to know if.. uhm. .. “  
“Is Mr. Jung bickering?”

“I.. think so?” Yoonohh really sounded serious so Johnny dropped the foolish play and asked  
“What up?”  
  
“Well, would you be available next Friday?”  
“Uhm..” He checked his calendar and notes that were stuck to the fridge with upcoming appointments  
“Looks fine, why?”

“Well, I invited my parents.”  
  
Oh. Shit.  
“Wow.” was all Johnny could say and then quickly adding. “Even if I had plans, I will be there of course.”  
There was a pause from Yoonoh before he could hear an exhale and a low “Thank you.”  
“It… will be alright okay? Just remember how relieved you felt when you told them all at the party. And remember Taeyong’s smile. Yours was not different and to be honest. This version of Jung Yoon Oh is the one I want to see in the future.”  
  
“I..” Yoonoh seemed to struggle with words.  
“Don’t say anything. Send me the time and I will be there, I’ve got your back.”  
“But it's.. Two days before you..”  
“So just in time. You have enough on your mind, I am okay. And so will you.”  
Johnny tried to assure Yoonoh that he was doing the right thing, but could also understand why this was so hard. For almost 10 years he was hiding this from his parents, lying to them, faking relationships. It surely will get harder to confess with each passing day living this lie. Another reason to do it soon and worry about what happens, when it happens.  
  
They exchanged a few more words before the other hung up to call Taeyong. Johnny sighed and looked at his reflection in the window.  
Things will be alright. They had to. Yoonoh deserved this. 

Taeyong had asked Ten to be part of the dinner as well, using all their professions as a first excuse of why they were gathered in this group to meet with Yoonoh’s parents.  
Surely it did look odd, but then again it all worked out. Yoonoh's parents accepted the invitation and announced they would be there on Friday at 7 pm. 

Johnny and Ten had helped with the preparations, being there before the parents actually arrived.  
Yoonoh introduced them all with names and how they worked with each other. His mother was clearly surprised to see Ten that she had seen before. Mr. Jung and Johnny respected one another, the long friendship made it easy to banter but it was clear for everyone once seeing Yoonoh’s father. That he was stoic, and hard to read. 

They started the dinner and everything looked just fine for now. But Yoonoh was stiff and a little jumpy, clearly he was struggling the most at the table, although Johnny noticed Taeyong’s tension as well.  
  
Before the dessert, they opened another bottle of wine that Johnny poured into their glasses. He could see another eye contact between the couple just like the evening before. This time however it was not Taeyong who spoke up but Yoonoh.  
  
“Well, thank you all for coming tonight.” He sounded so formal, he surely had said it a couple of times in front of the mirror.  
Johnny sat down quietly and exchanged a glance with Ten.  
The parents noticed that something was up and Yoonoh’s mother put down her glass. “Yoonoh.. ``was all she said and he smiled here.  
“You probably wondered why I invited you here to my place. Well, I figured it's for the best. I’ve been meaning to tell you something very important to me.”  
His father did not change his expression, just looking at Yoonoh sternly.  
“Mom, Dad.”  
A pause happened that felt much longer than it actually was but everyone was holding the breath it seemed and Yoonoh finally took heart. It's now or never.  
“I am in love with the man beside me. Lee Taeyong. And we are in a relationship.”  
  
The following pause was heavy and even longer than the first, everyone was looking at the father, though Johnny noticed the first reaction from Yoonoh’s mother who gasped and glanced over to her husband.  
  


“Are you serious?” Mr. Jung asked, his dominating presence radiating from him and he sounded angry.  
  
Oh no.  
Johnny sat up straight, not being able to say anything.  
  
And then it all went south.  
Yoonoh’s father stood up and started to yell at his son. “How dare you disgrace me like this. I’ve given you everything so you become a man, and this is how you thank me?” He pointed at Taeyong and Yoonoh pressed his lips together, standing up as well. “Yes. I am hiding this long enough for your sake. I’ve found what I was looking for, what makes me the man I want to be. So it is time to live like that and stop lying to myself.”  
  
“Yoonoh, hun..” His mother stood up as well but the father lifted his hand for her to not get between them right now.  
It took a lot for Johnny to hold back. This was bad. How could someone be this ignorant and heartless toward his own son?  
  
The father was even more angry now and started to leash out at his son with cold and hurtful words.  
He questioned the heritage, Yoonoh’s gratitude, Yoonoh’s hard work and even said with brutal certainty that love between men is not natural, not real love and that Yoonoh was a fool to risk it all for a fling of the moment.  
  
Yoonoh was about to say something but got interrupted by his father another time, and he did not even stop lecturing his son, he also suddenly pointed at Johnny and Ten.  
“And the next thing you are telling me is that they are fools like you as well. Going with the trend like a new fashion thing. You get me on one table with them to prove what exactly?”  
Yoonoh’s mother took Mr. Jung’s arm, clearly aware that he was more than stepping over his lines here. But she couldn’t say anything, tears in her eyes.   
  
This. was. Enough.  
  
Johnny put the napkin aside and stood up.  
„So what if we were, what does it change for you....? With all due respect Mr. Jung, but you are acting like an ignorant fool to your own son, your only son. You put your reputation and career above his feelings and future of Yoonoh and dare to talk lowly about anyone in this room, when you are just showing the lowest character a man of your standard could have.“  
Another gasp coming from the mother. It was surely not wise to talk in this rude manner to a man much older than him. But the American in Johnny came through and clearly forgetting about respectful tones and phrases that were usually due. He was disrespecting his friends, why should Johnny remind himself about any manners toward a man like him.  
  
“Johnny.” Yoonoh said with a nod. He had expected for this best friend to be shaken and hurt, but he seemed collected, more than before telling his parents.  
“I said what I needed to say to you. What you do or decide with it is up to you father. His eyes moved to his mother, trying to smile but it was a sad one. “You once asked me that I should find myself someone who makes me feel happy and I did. This is not just a fling.” Yoonoh was so calm, he either disconnected himself from any emotional bond to his parents, or he was acting immensely well to not show his upset toward the source of it.  
  
“That’s all. Please do find your way out on your own.”  
  
Johnny stared at Yoonoh who just was kicking out his own parents from his home. And voiceless the two turned and left, only the mother’s sobbing audible.  
  
The door closed loudly and then silence surrounded them. Johnny sat down again and brushed his hair back. Yoonoh actually sat down as well and took Taeyong’s hand. He was upset, he was hurt, he was a mess. But still he smiled at his partner and said lowly. “It’s done.”  
  
Nothing could really save anything that evening. Johnny and Ten helped clean up. Taeyong told Yoonoh to stay tonight, clearly wanting to take care of Yoonoh.  
At least they had each other. Johnny thought and as he hugged his best friend tightly, he whispered into the other’s ear.  
“I am proud of you.”  
Yoonoh pulled back and showed tears in his eyes for the first time. “I wish I would have heard that tonight from someone else”.  
He controlled himself however, not allowing a tear to fall down. Johnny nodded, lips pressed together and he patted his shoulder.  
“We are here for you. We will be the family they want to deny you. Okay?”  
  
That made Yoonoh chuckle bitterly, but he appreciated it.  
“I can keep the silent mode off on my phone, so can Johnny,” Ten had said to Taeyong who appreciated the thought and said his goodbyes to Johnny as well. 

  
And then Ten and and the photographer left.  
  


On their walk back to Johnny’s flat they had been more or less silent. Not many words were exchanged.  
It was a mess, especially for Yoonoh. Everything just had turned out as he had always feared it would.  
But he and Taeyong will work it out, they got this far and hardship like this strengthen their bond. Johnny kept telling himself that.  
Even though their hearts were heavy for their friends, they did try to keep their little conversation with one another on a brighter side, exchanging jokes, teasing one another - both desperate to forget the evening.  
Neither of them were talking about their plans, Ten just following Johnny and then the two were in front of his door.  
The photographer did not mind some company, besides it was probably the last time he was able to see Ten before his big journey. So he appreciated that the other was going to stay for a bit. 

Now they were seated on Johnny's sofa. Usually they would probably put on a film, as they usually did, but today was heavier. 

What a mess that was - Johnny brushed his hair back and landed on the couch next to the already seated Ten. He was still angry despite their attempts to brighten the mood.  
How bad must Yoonoh feel now?  
And Taeyong?  
What a burden it was when it shouldn‘t be a big deal at all.  
He couldn‘t hold his tongue, he had to step in and speak the truth - not just for his best friend.  
That old man was upsetting them all.  
Not on Johnny‘s watch, not ever. 

Silence stretching onwards for another minute.

“What you said earlier,” Ten started, “When you stood up for Yoonoh. That was... extraordinary. Impressive.”

Johnny smiled mildly, breathing through his nose  
„Yoonoh deserves better, everyone in this position does. I might have overstepped my line but someone had to. You have no idea how many times Yoonoh told me how scared he was to be told a disappointment, to not be taken seriously, credited for the work he does. And all of that because he loves someone who loves him back.“  
he clenched his teeth, still not done with his angry business it seemed but he reminded himself that Ten was not Yoonoh‘s father.  
„I am sorry I am this angry. I am usually more chill..but thank you for thinking like that.“

Ten smiled a bit, putting a hand on Johnny’s knee beside him.

“Don’t worry, I think it’s safe to say we’re all angry—and there's a reason to be. It should be easier. Being ourselves. You did great, Mr. Jung needed to hear that, and so did Yoonoh—and Taeyong. I wish more people dared to; speak up like that...”  
Ten seemed to trail off for a moment, and then adding, “I also wish more people were open to listen.”

„Yeah. I am not sorry I said what I said, I will speak up for everyone who is just trying hard to find their place in this world. It’s all fucked up and hard already - why making it even harder for them. It’s not fair“ he exhaled in order to calm down a little and then patted the hand that rested on his knee.  
„I just hope they are okay now, I hate the fact that I have to leave soon. Can you promise me to look out for them for me? If.. If you need backup you can always count on Yuta. He surely would have slapped Mr. Jung tonight so be careful with the dose of support you ask of him.“

Ten smiled, and Johnny felt him squeezing his knee a bit to emphasise his reply,  
“Of course,” he said,  
“I’m always looking out for Taeyong—and that’s looking out for Yoonoh too nowadays. We’ll keep them safe until you get back—and longer.”

„Much appreciated“ Johnny said and took a deep breath again - so much was happening.  
  
With him,  
his career,  
his home,  
His friends  
... everything.  
  
Somehow it felt like a bad time to leave for the US.  
But when would he get another chance like this?   
  


Silence surrounded them for a moment, both in their thoughts it seems before Johnny broke the silence to state,

„I... am going to miss you and the others.“

He watched Ten looking up at him .

“You’ll be back soon enough,” 

„Yeah, but still. I feel like I am leaving at a bad time. We just got closer and Yoonoh needs me...“ he brushed his hair back.

“He’ll still be here when you get back,” Ten said,  
“It’s a great opportunity for you—you can’t cancel. Yoonoh wouldn’t like that, I’m certain. Plus, I swear nothing could ever change between the two of you, not from what I’ve seen. He knows you got his back, you showed that today,”  
Ten smiled again, “Anyway, he’s got Taeyong now too. I think I’m qualified in Taeyong enough to say he won’t let Yoonoh down. You’re not leaving him.”

Johnny smiled with his lips pressed together, nodding  
„Why do you always sound right when you lecture me?“

“Because, I’m right?” Ten said, letting out a light laugh.

That made Johnny chuckle too.   
„Fair.” another pause before adding “Thank you...“  
His hazel eyes move to his friend „for us...“  
With that he meant their blooming friendship and the photographer had seemed to have calmed down a lot since he sat down.  
„well ..and for lecturing me like that when I need to hear the right things.“

“It’s my pleasure,” Ten said, smiling, head leaning on the back of the sofa, close to Johnny’s shoulder, his hand sliding away from where it had rested on Johnny’s knee to linger close to Johnny instead.

Ten glanced at Johnny.

“Will you really miss me?” Ten asked, his voice sounded softer, more real.

Johnny just smiled „Not your insults, but the rest... yes I will“ 

He didn‘t know what to do and fiddled with one of his AirPods that he had in his pockets.  
  
„Will you miss me?“

“Of course, don’t be stupid,” he heard Ten saying 

“I know I’ve never explicitly said it before,”  
Johnny glanced over at these words, seeing how Ten was biting his bottom lip. 

Johnny smiled  
„I am happy you think so... considering where we started.“ he bumped his shoulder against Ten, unaware how low the other had sunk on the couch as well as considering their height difference.  
So he was accidentally bumping the other‘s head with his shoulder ..  
„Ahh sorry sorry“ he patted Ten‘s head gently, it was not too hard so he hoped it was alright. He really was that clumsy sometimes.

He watched Ten licked over his bottom lip another time, smiling at Johnny and he relaxed. 

“I deserved that,” Ten said, not caring to shift to a more comfortable position is seemed, rather looking away  
“However, I wasn’t done speaking, idiot. Hang on,”  
Ten said, voice still light,  
“I mean—that too,” Ten offered, “but also... I’m... I’m gay,”  
Ten studied his own fingers in his lap.

A moment of silence returning before Johnny sank into the coach as well, even more than Ten to be on one eye level and get the other’s attention with a smile on his own face.  
„I kind of knew you were. Now I am even more glad I stepped up today.“

Their eyes met for a brief moment, stretching the silence a bit.

“Johnny...” Ten breathed, and Johnny noticed how the usual so fierce eyes treacherously glancing down on his … lips? Then moving up to meet his hazel eyes. 

“I shouldn’t ask...” Ten said next and Johnny felt weird, something stirring in his chest to see the other struggling to say something to Johnny. 

And then he watched Ten trying to prepare himself again to say something. So he shut up and just allowed the other to gather his thoughts and words that came out next - quietly - fierce eyes drifting down to Johnny’s lips

“Would you hate me if I kissed you?” 

Johnny parted his lips, holding his breath.  
Although the silence and way Ten acted was announcing something, the photographer did not see this question coming and he felt a strange tingling rushing over him.  
From all things. Why? Now?  
He should retreat from this position, straight up and fix this.  
But strangely,... this weird feeling - curiosity? - remained and left him unable to do anything.  
  
A kiss.  
He immediately remembered a few certain moments, right here on the coach that he wished to keep to himself forever. 

He looked at Ten‘s pretty eyes on his lips, hazel ones moving to the others too and Johnny swallowed as well.  
All those images in his head, the way the water dropped off Ten‘s bottom lip in the pool, his fantasy to kiss him, lick it off.  
  


Fuck. 

The silence was unbearable, he had to say something. 

Another time he swallowed before he finally answered, „I could never hate you.“

  
Ten then approached Johnny with a slowness that felt almost as if everything was happening in slow motion. They were searching each other’s eyes, Ten leaning in, one hand moving from the model’s lap over to cup Johnny’s jaw and he allowed it all to happen. Ten’s lips were only a few inches away, eyes fixed on Johnny’s lips, before closing the distance between them, pressing his lips softly to Johnny’s, only touching faintly, and then, Ten pushed on a bit, still close mouthed, keeping Johnny close for a few seconds before leaning back, eyes hooded as he looked at Johnny.

  
Hearts beating fast.  
Much faster than the moment itself. Johnny hesitated, as if he was unsure what to do.  
Ten did not. 

Perhaps this was for the best, only this way this curiosity in him felt okay with this. Still there was so much on his mind.  
Should they?  
Ten was his friend!  
He is going to leave soon!  
What if....  
Their lips parted as Ten pulled back. But not for too long before he spoke and even before Johnny could say anything if even capable, the warmth returned again.  
  


“I know you’re not gay,” Ten said, voice louder than earlier, assertive even, as he leaned back in, this time, with a bit more force, nibbling at Johnny’s bottom lip.

The moment their lips touched again, there was silence, no thoughts that told Johnny what to do or not. All he could feel right then were the softest lips on his, warm, gentle, hesitant. 

Had it been this long so a kiss felt this good? 

After a moment his mind returned slowly with questions and his previous confusion. 

Was it different from Kissing a woman? 

No. Not at all. 

Why did he think it would?

Why had he wondered about that in the first place? Because of his.. Dreams. 

  
Johnny wasn‘t gay... he liked woman but.... Ten.  
He was kissing Ten. 

  
Johnny meant to move again but just as before his body was not functioning as he wanted, his lips even parting as just the tip of his tongue nudged against the other’s lips. 

What. Was. He. Doing. Here?

Johnny was stiff, but couldn‘t deny that the way Ten kissed him... no one did before. And just that made him linger in this moment a little more.  
  
Please a bit more

Ten parted his lips, granting Johnny access and nudged with his own tongue, tip touching Johnny’s.  
Ten moved.  
Shifting as he struggled to sit up, not breaking the kiss as he did so, cupping Johnny’s face with his hands as he threw one leg over Johnny’s form under him to lean down over him.  
Ten was light as a feather, still supporting his own weight on his knees it seemed, only touching where his thighs touched Johnny’s sides, and his hands against his jaw, his tongue against Johnny’s.

Sensation washed over Johnny, warm and gentle like a summer rain - how he had missed the summer this winter.  
He could only return the kisses, he would be a fool to push back when something felt so good, his hands resting on the other‘s hips, not sure where else to go with them but there. 

With his eyes closed, he actually wanted to remember a time when Sue kissed him like this.  
And only came up with the answer.  
Never.  
Something about this kiss was making him question everything.  
He needed to break the kiss for a moment, Oxygen filling his lungs again before he licked over his lips that still tasted like Ten as one hand moved up to the other‘s face. 

„Chittaphon.. I...“ his eyes moved back to those lips, craving for another taste, more of this warmth, more of this attention. 

Just like Ten was his inspiration, his oasis in the desert, the answer to his artist block,... Ten was filling another void in Johnny right now.  
His thumb brushing over one cheek.  
„I am not sure what I am doing. I don‘t want to hurt you.“

* * *

**TEN**

_ Chittaphon _ , Johnny had said. No one really knew Ten by that name. He hadn’t _ been that person _ in many years. Had he ever? He had been called Ten for about as long as he could remember, yet, when Ten had left Thailand he’d left a boy who still wasn’t half of the things Ten was now associating with himself.

Now he was extravagant, earned money for himself to buy expensive clothes and pretty makeup. Was a closeted gay and yet the most flamboyant one he himself knew—and Ten had met a lot of people throughout his years in South Korea.

_ Chittaphon _, wasn’t a name Ten usually heard. Not even his sister called him that. Not even Taeyong-hyung—and here Johnny was. A photographer who shouldn’t have been any different from any of the others Ten had worked with, yet, the American boy had made Ten open up. Came back for him every time Ten had turned his back against him. Had given him second chances upon second chances. Always eager to forgive. Kind enough to listen. Ten hadn’t even known the artist for that long, not by lengths comparable with Taeyong—yet Ten was more comfortable around Johnny than he was with most people. Johnny was easy to like. Easy to fall for.

What had started as attraction had soon blossomed into something else—something _ more _. The buds that had stayed tightly shut throughout winter, cold breezes never leaving room for them to open up—had finally started to feel the rose gold sunlight hitting its petals. Now they were in full bloom and there was nothing Ten could do about it. Ten was doomed. He had known it since Johnny’s surprise party—since Ten’s own birthday. There was no going back.

And now, Johnny’s lips having been caught with his, not only Ten’s but Johnny’s tongue searching his—and that name, _ his _ name on Johnny’s lips. Ten fought hard not to shudder, hard not to moan at Johnny’s mere voice.

“You’re not hurting me,” Ten replied, swallowing thickly as he looked at Johnny before diving back in, taking charge and licking his way into Johnny’s mouth again, parting his lips teasingly with his tongue.

It was enough and not nearly enough at the same time. Ten wanted more. More, more, _ more _. Ten’s hands slid down Johnny’s neck, one hand resting at the juncture where his shoulder met his nape and his right hand came around behind Johnny’s ear, tugging lightly at the short hair there, so very soft against his fingertips.

Johnny didn’t seem to protest and Ten could feel their kisses becoming more confident, turning heated as Johnny’s tongue swirled around his another time. Ten licked back, tasting, exploring and Johnny tilted his head to meet Ten’s lips, aligning them better. Ten deepened the kiss, parting his lips a bit more, and in turn, licking his way into Johnny’s mouth again, an endless dance of back and forth, around each other, swirling to find a pace whilst at the same time never ceasing to explore. Under, above, around. Ten was drunk on Johnny’s kisses. Ten had been half-hard since he’d asked for permission to kiss Johnny, interest having peaked before that. It had started to get difficult to ignore with Johnny so close, within his reach. Ten knew he shouldn’t have asked. But how couldn’t he? Johnny wasn’t a conquest. But Ten didn’t want him only to prove a point, interested only because he was straight. Ten wanted Johnny because of his hazel eyes, warm brown colours fit for a sunny autumn day; one of those last warm ones before the cold settled, air still crisp. Ten wanted Johnny for his kindness, his generosity and full heart. For his voice, the slight lisp and round sound as he giggled and laughed. He wanted Johnny for his openness, his never failing bravery, the way he treated his friends, the way he stood up for them, loyalty and morals extending far beyond what most people Ten had met. Ten wanted the lips that turned slightly upwards at the corner even if Johnny wasn’t smiling, as if the softness within him was burned into every atom, every structure that made Johnny what he was. Ten wanted it all. All consequences be damned, he couldn’t be arsed to think another second about it. Ten only _ wanted _ and when Johnny continued kissing him back Ten moved his right hand away from Johnny’s hair, down the slope of his neck again, down his chest—firm and flat under his palm and another rush of blood headed south. Ten’s cock was already throbbing, trapped in his trousers. Had he really wanted this so badly? _ Yes _ , Ten’s mind offered, _ yes, yes, yes _. 

Johnny sounded breathless under him and Ten practically heard him swallowing under Ten’s lips against his throat and Johnny tilted his head again, as if to grant Ten more access, as if Johnny _ wanted _ too.

Ten sat down a bit, going slowly as he didn’t want to put all of his weight on Johnny’s thighs since Ten was still supported by his own knees. He only wanted Johnny to be comfortable—but Ten hadn’t quite realised how far down the sofa Johnny had slid as he had tried to get in eye level with Ten beside him. There, the brush of something hard against Ten’s arse and Ten fought against the urge to ground down on Johnny’s unmistakable bulge the moment he felt it through the fabrics. Ten wanted, but he couldn’t forget Johnny. Ten couldn’t allow his mind to be completely drowned and overtaken by emotions. Ten had to consider Johnny. Johnny who wasn’t gay. Who wasn’t attracted to people like Ten: with broad shoulders, flat planes, and hard angles. Johnny didn’t like that, he liked the soft curve of a female body—and Ten didn’t have one. Ten couldn’t risk ruining it all, not yet, not _ now _ when he had Johnny under him, sporting an impossible erection even though he wasn’t attracted to Ten. _ He likes my kisses _ , Ten thought, another rush of excitement filling him, _ Johnny’s getting hard, and it’s because of my kisses, my touches _. 

Ten tried not to freeze at the realisation, yet continuing to move without putting pressure on Johnny’s cock through his trousers, only breaking the kiss briefly to lick over his own lip, to gather some control, if he had any—and went back, aiming for the corner of Johnny’s lips, licking there as he moved to kiss along Johnny’s jaw, feeling the faint whisper of a stubble since last time Johnny shaved. Ten forced back a groan that wanted to escape his lips. Tentatively Ten put a little more weight down, just the smallest of pressure, checking for Johnny’s reaction, hand still roaming Johnny’s chest to try to keep him distracted. _ As long as he doesn’t look _ , Ten thought, _ as long as he doesn’t think too much _.

“Ah...“ escaped Johnny’s lips as Ten’s bum pushed lightly against his hardness, one hand finding its way to Ten’s hip and Ten _ felt _ the way Johnny was suddenly pushing, using his hand to press _ down _ at Ten’s hip as if Johnny wanted what Ten wanted—to ground down on him, frot shamelessly against one another.

Yet Ten couldn’t have that. Too afraid Johnny would end up not only feeling an arse against the length of him (for now, with this, Johnny could have his girl fantasy. Ten didn’t have to be male. He could be anyone, any gender. _ It’s just kisses, just touches _ . They would be the same no matter his sex). It was possible, from this angle, that Ten’s balls would rub against Johnny too, and surely _ that _ was something a girl didn’t have. That would be something Johnny would immediately recognise as _ not female _ and Ten was too afraid the kisses would end, the touch gone, Johnny pushing him away with disgust written all over his face. Ten couldn’t risk it, he just couldn’t—not when he had this. Finally.

“Sorry…” Johnny muttered, “I…“ he continued incoherently and Ten didn’t know if he was sorry for trying to push Ten down, flush against him, or if there was something else, some private thought in Johnny’s mind—or worse, sorry for wanting this, even if it was Ten.

Ten had guessed Johnny hadn’t been with anyone since Sue, Johnny had given enough clues about that. Surely Johnny was just dying to be touched. Even if that meant he’d have to touch Ten. Well, Johnny didn’t have to touch him. Ten would never force Johnny to do that, to do something he wouldn’t want to, something that would leave him with regret afterwards. Or worse, to have done only out of pity for Ten. Ten didn’t need anyone’s pity, let alone Johnny’s.

Johnny’s hands moved over the one Ten had placed on Johnny’s chest. It felt as though Johnny was searching for something to ground him, to get him down to Earth—but Ten was afraid of that. _ When reality hits him he won’t want me _ , Ten thought, as he urged on even with more eagerness as he pressed wet kisses down Johnny’s throat, licking and nibbling at his skin as he went, making sure he wasn’t leaning too close to Johnny— _ or else he’ll feel my flat chest, he’ll push me away _. As long as Ten could feed whatever fantasy that was currently on Johnny’s mind, it would be fine. As long as he could keep reality at bay, Ten would be allowed to touch, to taste, to breathe him in.

“Don’t be sorry,” Ten whispered against Johnny’s ear, pressing another kiss at his lobe before going lower, his hands reaching under Johnny’s shirt to splay his palms against hot skin, “Don’t be sorry when it comes to me,” Ten continued.

_ Whatever you feel, please don’t be sorry—anything but that _. Ten didn’t know if he’d survive that, Johnny being sorry for Ten, for having been caught in a fantasy and end up seeming as if he wanted Ten. He didn’t. Ten already knew that. He didn’t need the reminder. Johnny was hard, but because of what they did, what Ten did, but not because of Ten himself.

Ten moved the hand that had previously been resting against Johnny’s neck down, lower, and lower, until his fingers were nudging against the hem of Johnny’s trousers.

“Can I?” Ten asked, moving his fingers gently back and forth against Johnny’s hipbone.

Johnny let out small pants, his jaw working as if he was pressing his lips together or biting at his bottom lip and Ten worried what Johnny was thinking and Ten made the mistake to look into Johnny’s eyes as his eyelids fluttered open, hazel colour meeting his own.

_ Don’t think _ , Ten wanted to say, _ Don’t think—feel _ , and Ten pressed his face a bit close to Johnny again. _ As long as he doesn’t see me _. Ten only hoped him having asked wasn’t enough to push Johnny back and away from whatever pictures were currently displayed in Johnny’s mind’s eye.

Ten felt Johnny nod and Ten released a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding.

Ten sat back a bit, knees still on the sofa to support his own weight. Ten leaned back, curving his back in case Johnny would watch him as Ten worked open Johnny’s belt. _ What if he sees the bulge in my trousers? _ Ten swallowed. _ Please don’t notice it _ , he thought, working quicker, now at the top button and Ten’s eyes flicked up to Johnny’s face. Johnny’s eyes seemed to be fixated on Ten’s fingers. _ Good _ , Ten thought, _ he’s not looking at you _.

So he continued, pulling down Johnny’s flies, as he did so Ten leaned up towards Johnny again, pressing a kiss to his lips, licking to be allowed inside. _ Feel this, focus on this _. Johnny responded in kind, passion dripping through him and their tongues heated dance continued.

As Johnny’s flies were open Ten pressed the heel of his hand firmly over Johnny’s length, just feeling him for a moment over his pants, allowing space for Johnny to push him off him in case he would realise what he was actually doing.

Johnny hummed when Ten moved his hand in an experimental stroke, firm and slow, and Ten was pleased to notice the way Johnny clearly bucked his hips to meet Ten’s hand, seeking more.

“Ten…“ Johnny said and Ten inhaled with a shudder, Johnny’s voice sounded husky, rough as lust was taking over.

_ What if? _ started to echo in Ten’s mind. _ What if he wants me? _ That couldn’t be possible.

“You don‘t have to…” came soon after, Johnny answering Ten’s unspoken question.  
_ But I want to _ , Ten thought. Ten wanted so much it was a wonder Ten’s brain was working at all. _ That’s why he said my name _ , Ten thought, pushing down the sting that started to feel like needles pricking inside him, _ to let _ me _ know I don’t have to _ . _ I want to _ , Ten swallowed, _ and I’ll feed your fantasy with pleasure _.

Johnny closed his eyes, more pants escaping his lips. _ He’s escaping me—good _. If that meant Ten was allowed to continue touching him, that would do. Ten would take anything.

“Shut up,” Ten said between kisses, finally reaching down to pull at Johnny’s cock without any fabrics between them, moving with firm strokes up and down the length of him.

Ten kissed Johnny another time, swirling his tongue around Johnny’s before breaking it, kissing down his jawline again, and then moving down his body, hand never stopping as he shifted, making sure he wasn’t touching Johnny with his lower body until Ten had to pull his lips away from Johnny’s heated skin to able to change position, sliding down between his legs, Ten’s own knees hitting the floor.

“Up,” Ten whispered, lips not far away from Johnny’s groin, only then releasing his hold on Johnny’s cock to tug at his trousers, eyes fixed on where his hands were.

Ten didn’t dare look at Johnny’s face. It didn’t matter how much _ he _ wanted it, Johnny might not. Ten could make Johnny uncomfortable. Having his friend watch him in a moment which was usually done in private. Either alone (memories of the bottle of lube Ten had spotted at the party flashing by in his mind). Or, moments shared between two lovers. Someone Johnny wanted, too. But _ this _, Ten was Johnny’s friend. It didn’t matter what Ten felt towards Johnny. Johnny didn’t feel it that way.

Ten heard Johnny swallow before he could see his hips raising, arse coming off the sofa for a brief moment so Ten could pull down Johnny’s trousers right above the bend of Johnny’s knees. Johnny shuffled, probably trying to find a more comfortable position. When Ten looked up he could see a drop of precome glistening at the slit on the tip of Johnny’s cock, beautiful as it laid flush and heavy atop of his flat stomach. Ten tried not to lick his lips, his own cock twitching at the sight, straining uncomfortably against the flies. Ten’s eyes treacherously flicked to Johnny’s face and he noticed the way Johnny swallowed, but remained silent. Ten swallowed in turn. _ Imagine I’m not here _ , he wanted to tell Johnny, so Ten wrapped his hand around Johnny’s cock again, stroking leisurely as he said, voice quiet, breath ghosting over Johnny’s exposed skin: “Close your eyes,” _ close your eyes and continue to pretend _.

Johnny just pressed his lips together. _ Do it _ , Ten thought, _ please _—and Johnny did what he was told, closing his eyes.

Ten continued to move his hand slowly, the other one settling on Johnny’s side, moving in circles above his hip. Ten nudged his nose against Johnny’s inner thigh, breathing in as he pressed a close mouthed kiss there. Ten tried to put it all into memory. Burn it in. _ This might be my only chance _.

“Tell me to stop,” Ten whispered, hoping with all of his being that Johnny wouldn’t, “If you want me to—I will,” but he had to say it, he had to give Johnny an option out, a chance to push Ten away.

Ten pressed another kiss closer to Johnny’s groin this time. _ If I only continue to keep him interested _, Ten thought as he continued to move forward, kissing his way closer and closer to Johnny’s most private parts until his nose gently touched Johnny’s cock.

Ten’s eyes flicked up. He could feel the way Johnny stiffened underneath him, with anticipation or discomfort, Ten didn’t know, but Johnny nodded, eyes still closed and his head resting on the back of the sofa. Ten didn’t dare to move any closer, waiting for Johnny to give him permission to continue. Looking for any clues that would give away what Johnny wanted. _ Stay with me _.

“Please…” finally left Johnny, his lips barely parted and his voice about as quiet and low as Ten had ever heard it before.

_ Fuck _. Ten hummed quietly, lips pressing against the underside of Johnny’s length, not loud enough to make a proper sound but Ten knew there wasn’t a doubt that Johnny wouldn’t feel the vibrations of his voice anyway.

Ten didn’t want to make too much sound. It didn’t matter that his voice was soft, light in sound—Ten knew his voice would always be pitched lower than a woman’s. If he made too much noise it might throw Johnny off. _ Pretend for me _ , Ten thought. Ten knew he was selfish, to take advantage of Johnny’s loneliness. Only allowing Ten to take part of this in the lack of the future girl Johnny had mentioned he wanted to find this year. _ ‘I want something real for a change’ _ , Johnny had said back at Lunar New Year. This was everything but real, Ten knew as much. _ This is not how you treat your friends _. Yet Ten couldn’t help but continue nuzzling closer against Johnny, breathing him in, dragging his bottom lip against the thick vein at the underside of his cock. Johnny audibly exhaled above him.

He then let go, hand instead moving to circle Johnny’s right hip. Ten parted his lips, finally sticking his tongue out to flick a lick against Johnny’s cock. The quiet moan Johnny made had Ten wanting to look up at him—instead Ten dragged his tongue from base to tip, licking up the precome that had gathered there as he mouthed against the velvety glans. Tongue soft as he licked a second time, sucking Johnny’s cock gently into his mouth, enveloping him in warmth and wetness—_ just like a woman’s _. Ten made sure to use as little teeth as possible as he sucked slowly, the hand on Johnny’s hip moving back to the base of his cock and Ten could hear Johnny’s panting getting louder. Ten leaned over, making sure the top of his head was displayed to Johnny in case he would open his eyes, fringe covering Ten’s face. This would be better, better safe than sorry. After all, girls had short hair too. Ten wouldn’t be destroying Johnny’s fantasy, not yet, not now.

Ten heard shuffling above but didn’t dare look up. It sounded as if Johnny’s hands were clenching fabrics, thicker than clothes—perhaps searching purchase on the sofa. Ten was certain the sight would be breathtaking. Johnny lost to pleasure, wanton as his eyes squeezed shut. Ten had to live off his own fantasy, surrounded by the breathy pants of Johnny and his very real, hard cock leaking in Ten’s mouth. It was enough.

Ten moved his left hand to fondle Johnny’s balls softly in his palm as he continued on, mouth full, tongue twisting sometimes, hand stroking at the base, not pressing too hard. Ten picked up a bit of speed, moving quicker as he dropped his left hand from Johnny’s skin, instead focusing with his tongue and lips, his right hand’s fingers supporting. Ten moved his left hand to press the heel against his own hardness underneath his trousers, as it got harder and harder to ignore. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to touch any more than that, not giving himself the friction he longer for. Ten only needed that little bit of relief, but _ God _, it felt so good. Ten swallowed around Johnny’s cock, swirling his tongue and sucking it back in, as he forced his hand off himself before he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from opening his flies. Cock pulled out of his trousers, tugging until Ten would spill all over Johnny’s floor—possibly his sofa too, and Ten moved his left hand over to Johnny’s thigh instead, stroking the muscle underneath, ignoring the painful ache to be touched.

“God…” Johnny moaned, hips bucking up again as if to meet Ten’s lips on his way down again, but stilling instead of thrusting right up.  
Ten wouldn’t have minded. He’d gladly have taken it all. It didn’t matter if he would end gagging. Ten just wanted more.  
“I…” Johnny continued, ragged as his panting got even breathier, “I’m coming…” Johnny’s voice sounded strained, words barely managing to escape him in through gasps.

_ So hot _ . The knowledge that Johnny was so close to the edge egged Ten on. _ Fuck _ . For a moment Ten worried he’d be coming too, right then and there, untouched and still tucked away. Those _ words _ leaving Johnny’s lips above him and Ten fought a war against his own impending orgasm. It couldn’t happen. Not here. This wasn’t about Ten—well it was, he was here, on his knees on Johnny’s floor _ not _ because Johnny wanted him there. But because Ten wanted it. Craved it. But this was Johnny’s fantasy, and that didn’t include embarrassing come stains on Ten’s trousers.

Ten sped up impossibly faster, left hand circling Johnny’s hip again. _ Focus, Ten! _ Somehow Ten managed to take control, pushing his own pleasure back to where it belonged: at the back of his mind. Ten felt the pulsing under his thumb at the base of Johnny’s cock right before Johnny’s come hit the back of his throat and Ten swallowed promptly. Johnny moaned, and even though the sound was muffled against fabric—a pillow, or the sofa perhaps, Ten could hear it clearly. Ten felt hot, heart still beating in madness as he swallowed and swallowed, taking it and continuing to bob his head slowly throughout as Johnny came down. When the last drops were gone and Ten could feel Johnny’s cock twitching, perhaps because of oversensitivity he let go with a wet pop. Ten flicked his eyes up at Johnny’s face, eyes now open. But Johnny seemed to be staring at the ceiling and Ten focused his own on the hard floorboards under his knees.

Ten licked at his lips, wiping the back of his hand against his mouth just in case there were any traces of their deed left. He was still kneeling below Johnny, weight supported on his knees to be in the right height to hover above Johnny. Even though Ten was a dancer his legs were straining in the position they had been forced to stay in for the last… however long this had taken them. 

“I...” Ten started, trailing off as he heard the sound of his own voice, hoarse, and he cleared his throat, swallowing.

Ten knew this moment would come. He had known it when Johnny had told him he wouldn’t hate him even if Ten kissed him. Ten knew there would be a time, after everything—even though Ten had never thought it would have proceeded quite so far when he’d first asked—where Johnny would come down from his own mind’s eye, back to reality. Ten didn’t know what to say. _ He _ had wanted this—but Johnny?

“Are you okay?“ Johnny’s voice rang above him, but Ten found it hard to reply, the rapid beating of his own heart loud in his ears.

“Chittaphon…”

There it was again. _ Chittaphon _ . Ten’s name. Ten swallowed again, finally looking up to meet Johnny’s eyes. _ He knows _ , dawned on Ten, _ now he knows what you’ve done _ . Ten didn’t want to analyse those hazel eyes too deeply. Ten already knew and now Johnny knew too. _ Friends don’t usually blow each other, do they? _

“I...” Ten started again, surprised to hear his own voice sounding a bit more normal, “I’m fine,” and Ten looked away, breaking their eye contact, down again.

How could he fix this? Was there any way to fix it? _ You can’t undo a blowjob _. How could he turn back time?

“It’s late,” Ten tried for the truth, suddenly becoming aware of the darkness that surrounded them with only some warm lights in Johnny’s sitting room.

At least his voice sounded stable now, a lot more so than Ten would even have hoped for.

“I guess you’re tired... and you need to pack tomorrow,” Ten glanced back, trying a small smile.

Shame overcame Ten as he realised just how hard his own cock was, pants feeling moist and gross around him. It was hateful, the way he couldn’t lock his own emotions inside. Instead dripping over and destroying whatever Ten held dear. _ This one’s on you _ . Ten sat down on the floor, curving his back to hide the bulge the best he could, knees quivering as he finally shifted into a better position, pulling his legs up a bit closer to his chest. Hopefully Johnny hadn’t noticed. Ten took another breath, inhaling as he tried to ground himself. _ Go the fuck away _, he thought to his own weakness.

“You okay?” Ten asked, voice smaller.

“I think so…” Johnny started, “But… I don‘t know. I am sorry, I was selfish and—damn it,“ Ten’s eyes flicked back at those words.

_ I’m the one who was selfish _ , Ten thought, _ I’m the one who wanted this _.

Johnny was pulling up his briefs and trousers, and Ten could do nothing but swallow as he watched Johnny tucking himself away as he fastened his belt again, lips pressed together.

“You’re not,” Ten said, though his voice quivered too, like his legs, his erection—against his will, failing him, “You’re not selfish,” he tried again, swallowing, eyes still focused on Johnny.

“You do not seem to be okay, your… smile is gone,“ Johnny said, a sigh escaping his lips and Ten tried hard not to think about what that meant.

Ten glanced up at Johnny for a brief moment, catching him as he brushed his hair back behind his ear again. The way Johnny did when he was worried, upset, uncertain, _ uncomfortable _.

“I didn't mean to—to complicate things. I don‘t know why I… damn it, Chittaphon,” and again Johnny used that name.

What had started as something he’d liked was beginning to turn into something Ten couldn’t bear hearing another time.  
Ten should never have told Johnny his real name. Now all Johnny had to do was breathing those syllables and Ten felt as if he was being torn into pieces. It felt raw, as if the very fact that it was so rarely used made Ten vulnerable to it. _ He’s allowed _ , Ten thought. Johnny could use his name all he wanted to in order to wreck him. _ Blame me, I’m the one to blame, not you _.

“I will leave in two days,“ Johnny said.

Ten inhaled a bit too sharply. He’d tried not to think about that too much. Johnny leaving. At Johnny’s party—Ten’s own birthday Johnny’s departure had been about a month away. It had seemed they would have ages until Johnny left for US back then—and now it was only two days away. Two days. One day for packing tomorrow. Two days until Johnny left for perhaps one of the most important stages in his career. Ten had been fine for all of those four weeks prior. Why was today any different? Johnny didn’t have to stay in South Korea—and anyway, it wasn’t as if he was leaving for forever. He’d come back, eventually. Ten had reminded Johnny of the fact himself only earlier this evening. _ But that was before you kissed him _.

“I know,” Ten said, because what else could he say?

Because Ten did know. He’d known Johnny was about to leave and to be honest, all of today had been an exception. Johnny was busy planning and preparing, yet he’d made time in his schedule so that he and Ten could accompany their best friends as the two were to tell Yoonoh’s parents about something no one should ever have to explain to anyone. Today had been Lee Taeyong and Jung Yoonoh’s day—not Ten’s. But of course, Ten had to make it all about himself. In the end, Ten hadn’t been able to wait. Even if he’d felt the urge to get closer to Johnny for all of this new year, even if Ten had wanted to kiss him for as long as he could remember. Of course, it was just like Ten to wait until the last opportunity he had with Johnny; the moment before the most important processession in Johnny’s life were to set off. Of course _ that _ was the time, and the _ only _ moment Ten would finally give in. Having ignored any worry hiding underneath his skin Ten had pretended as if Johnny leaving (when Ten had only really just let Johnny in) wouldn’t affect him—wouldn’t affect them. Instead Ten had put Johnny in a position that would quite literally force Johnny to think about Ten. Ten always had to make it about himself? Didn’t he? _ I know _, Ten had said. Because he had so clearly known all of that, and despite the facts Ten had proceeded to realise his own fantasy, satisfy his own desires. 

And Ten hated the way Johnny was obviously blaming himself for everything that had happened between them. Johnny saying _ he _ was the one who was selfish, when in fact, it had been Ten all along. Johnny couldn’t help it. _ He longed for something real and this is what you gave him! _ Ten was angry with himself, his erection finally starting to give way, the strain against his flies finally a bit less painful. Now there was another pain that was taking over. Shame, humiliation, hurt. _ I deserve it all _ . But Ten still worried about the look on Taeyong’s face if he would ever hear about it. How could Ten ever tell Taeyong about this? _ Johnny trusted me, and I took advantage of that _ . Ten felt gross, repulsive. Johnny might be one of the few who would give anyone a second chance—or a hundred. Even when they didn’t deserve it. Ten worried that Johnny would forgive him, if Ten asked him to. _ Don’t let him forgive you, not when it comes to this _.

“I’m sorry,” Ten looked down at the floor again, arms coming up to rest around his own legs.

There was that soft sound of fingers sliding against hair again, the one Ten could easily recognise as Johnny brushing his hair back—another time. _ I make him feel like that _.

“Please don‘t be… I… I really was selfish, I can‘t explain…” Johnny said.

_ He doesn’t even want to try _ . Ten didn’t blame Johnny. Ten could easily imagine what went through Johnny’s head. Thoughts about how it could have happened—being disgusted at the idea to have had his most private parts handled by a man, by Ten. It didn’t matter that Johnny was supportive of queers. It was one thing to be supportive of a cause, of friends, a whole other deal to want to take part of something like that themselves. Ten didn’t mind straight people—but he couldn’t imagine himself going to bed with a woman, ever, not even if she was giving him a free blowjob. Ten would wait for something that _ gave him something too _ . Ten was sure he’d be distressed too, in Johnny’s situation to say the least. _ I put him there _.

“Where to go from here—what did we do?“ Johnny asked and Ten wondered if it was an actual question, or a rhetorical one.

Clearly Johnny didn’t want to believe what had happened. Ten bit his bottom lip. He shouldn’t be here.

“I could leave,” Ten offered, hating every second, hating the words that left his lips, eyes still on the floor, “You need to focus on work.”

Ten hated it. How leaving, once again, seemed like the best option he could come up with. But what else could he do? He was currently in Johnny’s home, _ for fuck’s sake _! It wasn’t as if Johnny could leave, if he needed space. Ten had to be the one to leave. Ten still remembered his promise to Johnny, to communicate better. But was there anything left to say? Ten didn’t think so. There was nothing he could say, perhaps time and space was the best he could offer Johnny. At least his erection had finally wilted. It was true anyway, Johnny had work—an important job offer coming up. The type of thing Ten knew Johnny had secretly waited on for a long time now. Johnny couldn’t screw a chance like that, and Ten didn’t want to be the reason Johnny would. Ten couldn’t be a distraction. Johnny couldn’t afford it.

“I don‘t know,” came Johnny’s reply quietly and even that was the answer Ten had expected—it hurt to hear it said out loud.

Ten hadn’t realised he’d been staring at the floor for that long until he noticed Johnny’s hand approaching him in his peripheral view. Ten bit down onto his bottom lip, hard, almost drawing blood before he released it, taking another deep breath.

“You do,” Ten insisted, _ you do know, and you don’t want me here right now—I understand _, “I’ll talk to you soon—text me... when you’ve arrived,” Ten cast his eyes down, studying the end of the sofa again, “You don’t have to, of course. Just. Be safe in America, okay?”

“Ten… please…” Johnny said, sighing another time and Ten hated it.

He sounded tired. _ He’s tired of me, for leaving, for treating him like this _.

It came as a surprise when Ten felt Johnny’s arms coming around, enveloping him, the movement familiar to any embrace. Ten came to stand up, hands raising to hug back, fingertips touching Johnny’s shirt, his skin still hot under Ten’s touch. Was this the last time Johnny would let Ten touch him? Ten was glad he wasn’t hard any longer, or else he’d fear Johnny would have felt it. Ten didn’t want to think about what Johnny would have done, had he felt it. Ten couldn’t take Johnny’s pity.

Ten breathed in, quietly, trying to feel it all, all of Johnny before it was too late. _ It already is _ . Ten had already memorised this scent on Johnny—yet he smelled a bit differently right then. _ Sex _ , Ten thought regretfully, _ This is the way he smells after sex _. Ten swallowed.

“I will, I promise. Be safe yourself, okay? I didn‘t mean to…” Johnny said as he pulled back and then letting go.

_ He doesn’t want to touch me, he hugged me out of pity _, Ten realised.

“Don’t worry,” Ten replied, glancing up at Johnny before taking a step back himself—perhaps Ten was in need of some space too, “I’ll just...” Ten continued on, gesturing towards the hall, “See myself out—I know the way,” he said, smiling once before turning around to walk away.

Ten paused before turning around the corner to the hallway, eyes flicking over at Johnny one last time, his hair a beautiful mess, his skin looking a mixture of deliciously and disgustingly sweaty.

“Thank you,” Ten said, voice quiet before leaving.

_ Thank you, for letting me touch you one time _. One last time. The only time. Ten never should have. It hadn’t been his place to do so.

Ten pushed his feet inside his shoes as quick as he could, not tying his shoelaces as he picked up his coat to throw over his shoulder as he unlocked Johnny’s door and left—again.

***

Under all other circumstances Ten would have texted Taeyong-hyung. Ten hadn’t thought there would come a day when he’d put his own selfishness on the shelf to make space for Taeyong’s life. It hadn’t stopped Ten before. He would call and message hyung at whatever time it was, whatever day, whatever happened. Somehow Ten had got dependent on Taeyong’s constant presence. And now, a day when Ten longed for Taeyong’s arms to hold him through the night there was no chance he would make the call. The memory of Yoonoh’s father’s words still echoing in Ten’s own mind. Ten had felt it too, for Yoonoh, for Taeyong, for himself and all queers with him. It wasn’t a choice. Yet, even if it was, Ten would have chosen being queer over and over again. Even when the world was cruel.

No, there wasn’t a chance Ten could ask Taeyong to come. Plus, it worried Ten. That he didn’t know what Taeyong’s response would be. Now, with Yoonoh vulnerable and in need of Taeyong—would Taeyong leave his boyfriend to be there for Ten if Ten asked? Ten worried Taeyong might. And Ten definitely couldn’t bear to be the person that split the two apart, and not in a time like this. Yoonoh needed Taeyong, Johnny had said so himself, worrying about not being there for Yoonoh. This was the least Ten could do, make sure Taeyong would stay at Yoonoh’s side. And then, there was another part that worried Ten. That Taeyong would choose Yoonoh over him. It was plausible, too. Probably more so. Whichever would be the case: Ten couldn’t put Taeyong through that. Ten wouldn’t force him to choose.

Instead Ten had gone home, alone. Somehow managing to put one foot in front of the other, even though his entire world seemed to have dulled in colour Ten had managed to get himself on the right train and step into the right apartment block, unlocking his own door, into his own flat. So Ten wrapped himself up in a blanket. Just about to curl up in his own sofa when the memories hit him like a punch to the stomach. Even though Johnny’s sofa was a lot bigger and this one held no memories which involved Johnny—it was the same kind of furniture. Ten ended up sitting with his back against the corner down at the floor. The rough hard surface of wooden floorboards similar to how he’d spent his evening with Johnny. There was no escaping the last couple of hours. God, what had he done? He’d gone down on his knees and blown Johnny Suh, that was what he’d done.

A broken sound made its way up Ten’s throat and through his lips and Ten clasped one hand against his lips. Unable to stop the next sob, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. _ Don’t be stupid, don’t cry, you did this _ . Ten didn’t dare to blink, trying to hold his breath the best he could to stop the tears from falling. It was ugly. Ten’s muscles still ached, perhaps even more so as the same muscles were used again as Ten had placed himself on the floor—again, his legs hurting and Ten sat down on his arse, back leaning against the sofa behind him. The scent of Johnny’s flat was still on his clothes, the scent of _ Johnny _ still present around Ten, the smell of sex soaking him. Ten felt disgusted and impossibly absurdly turned on. Apparently it seemed his neglected erection was finding new interest and Ten couldn’t hold back the sobs. Utterly pathetic. Whatever did it matter now? Johnny wouldn’t want to be Ten’s friend any longer. Ten had ruined it all. In a way, Ten guessed he had known it since the start. _ That’s why you tried to keep him away _.

Ten didn’t have the dignity to keep himself from opening his flies and shoving his hand roughly down his own pants. Fingers wrapping around himself and gasping at the sudden contact. It didn’t matter if Ten pulled himself off to the memory of Johnny below him, the smell on his clothes, the taste of Johnny on his tongue, tasting of musk and something cleaner, the faint scent of soap lingering, the noises Johnny had made as Ten had twisted his tongue, worked his head faster, lips stretched around Johnny’s cock. It didn’t matter if it only took Ten a few minutes to come like that, hand moving too harshly to be truly enjoyable, yet regrettably enough to bring him over. Come ruining his shirt and dripping off his hand. Sickening. It didn’t matter, because Johnny had given Ten permission to leave—and soon Johnny would, too. Ten always fucked up.

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Thank you?

Johnny was looking at the door that had closed and blocked his sight of Ten.

Go after him. Idiot.

Do not allow him to run away.

But Johnny’s legs were not moving, since they got to his place his mind and body were not matching well. He brushed his hair back and sighed, feeling a heavy pressure in his chest that made it hard to breathe properly.

Aware that it took him too long and Ten probably wouldn’t come back if he asked to, Johnny sat down on the coach and leaned his arms on his legs, trying to understand what happened and how they both ended up like this.

A guilty feeling crawled up on him for acting selfish here, for asking this of Ten.

He was his friend, his gay friend and here Johnny was feeling things like curiousity?

How pathetic, how unfair.

Of course, Ten would want to leave now, Johnny could see the reasons for it and also had to acknowledge that this blame deep down had held him back from stopping Ten.

What have you done, Johnny Suh?

He leaned back, another sigh on his lips, looking up to the ceiling.

What did all of this mean? 

The way he felt as they kissed, the warmth in his chest, the excitement, the way he felt drawn to Ten – his friend. 

What a mess.

In frustration he walked into the bathroom next and showered, trying to get a cool head again but strangely it did not work. At all.

He felt miserable and not like actually leaving for New York.

What would Yoonoh say now? Which advice would he have for Johnny?

He will most likely only scold him for not wanting to leave now and take his chance.

And he might not know what to say to the other - actual major - struggle the photographer felt.

Perhaps it was for the best that Johnny wouldn’t tell anyone. His best friend was busy enough to deal with their own issues.

Now it felt like days between the event with Yoonoh’s parents and… what happened here.

Shit.

How to get rid of this feeling? This lump in his throat.

By now Johnny knew that he needed to deal with this alone.

Somehow.

Perhaps a new environment and a lot of tasks will distract him?

Maybe, maybe not. But what he knew was - The issue will remain.

At this point he just went to bed and wanted this day to be done.

First Yoonoh’s ignorant father, then Ten asking to kiss him and Johnny feeling so different now, so confused and unable to explain it all.

“Please” He had moaned in front of Ten, eager for more.. More attention.

Images came back, his mind recalling Ten’s scent, the warmth of his skin, the kisses.

Everything Johnny could now think about was about Ten, Ten and Ten.

And with this rollercoaster of emotions he actually tried to sleep, stirring a lot, laying awake a lot. Feeling horrible.

Deserved.

Morning light had no mercy on him the next day was ahead of him. The last chance to get his business done, arranging some things overseas, getting in contact with an old friend there who was able to find a place for the photographer to stay. And packing.

Time was running at this point and in some ways - Johnny was running out of time.

The next day was _ the _ day.

„Could you wait please… I do not need long“

Johnny asked the man who was driving his cab. The older man nodded and stopped the engine of the car in response.

„Thank you.“ Johnny said and looked at the building in front of him. 

Johnny exited the cab and walked over, looking at all the names and bells to push.

He… did not know Ten‘s full name. Fuck. 

He did remember on which floor the light turned on, so he went for the names in that area, hoping that they were all arranged by the buildings set up.

After waiting for a moment a woman said “hello” through the speaker.

„Hi. I am a friend of Ten; is he there?“ he asked nicely and heard the woman saying that he was living next to her, actually unlocking the automatic door for Johnny to enter.

„Thank you, M‘am“ he said politely and walked to the door that had to be - his. 

In about an hour he had to check in at the airport, with the traffic ahead and all - he will not have much time here but this guilt in his chest was so strong, too strong.

He had to try to fix this.

But what made it so hard to … knock. Johnny stared at the wooden door and pressed his lips together, deciding to take his phone and texting Ten.

Ten—the Chittaphon  
  
Hey, I am soon leaving for the airport but - right now I.. am in front of your door.  
  


He could hear something on the other side of the door, probably the vibration of a phone? It also said that the other had read his message. But that was all.

No reply, no unlocking sound of the door - no chance.

Johnny sighed and did not want to give up. Texting another time. 

Ten—the Chittaphon  
  
Hey, I am soon leaving for the airport but - right now I.. am in front of your door.  
  
Please….please open the door. I don’t want to leave like this.  
I do not have much time…  
  


These minutes felt like forever. Shit, why was everything so complicated sometimes. Johnny was walking left to right, thinking of what to do about it.

He should have made things clear from the start, so Ten would not misunderstand things.

But the thing was.. Johnny did not even know if.. Ten had misunderstood him.

The past weeks with his “alone-time”, the way he felt when Ten was kissing him, everything was only creating new questions for the photographer. Questions he had no answer to yet and were just confusing him.

The door did not open.

He had to face the fact that Ten again - locked Johnny out of his life.

But this time he could understand, now he was at fault. Perhaps it was for the best that he was about to leave now. Ten needed it probably and so did he.

Ten—the Chittaphon  
  
Hey, I am soon leaving for the airport but - right now I.. am in front of your door.  
  
Please….please open the door. I don’t want to leave like this.  
I do not have much time…  
  
I…respect your decision. I’ll have to go now to catch my flight. Please forgive me…and stay safe, Chittaphon. Johnny.  
  


***

America. Home Sweet Home.

Why did it not feel like home?

He was restless from the start, in the plane barely able to think of anything but Ten and what happened between them.

The very fact that the other had not opened the door to even say goodbye, pained him and ever after some days that he was in New York now, it did not go away.

But from here he could not do anything about it. He had to focus on his work for now, make this all count and worth the trouble.

It had been weird, being alone in New York, far away from Yoonoh, Yuta, Doyoung.. All of them.

Although he managed to get back in contact with a friend from his childhood who lived in New York.

This was cool and was saving Johnny in a way. After two weeks he started to get warm with his every day, having his cream cheese bagel in the morning, his Americano, working a lot and chilling in the evening, either alone or with his friend. The daily routines coming back to him. Finally.

He did have a couple of calls with Yoonoh, hearing how things went on the other side.

His best friend still had no contact at all with his parents. Johnny still felt furious about it, but it appeared that Taeyong and Ten were around and able to cheer Yoonoh up.

He said he was alright and even so the photographer knew what a family focused person Yoonoh was, he also knew that it had been the right time for a coming out. Truly hoping the other was not regretting anything.

The fact that Yoonoh had not asked about Ten and him told Johnny, that it was not known what had happened back then. Or maybe Taeyong did but hadn’t shared it with his boyfriend. Or both shared the opinion to not stick their nose into their business. All options were possible but this way Johnny truly enjoyed hearing from his friends back in Seoul. He was also happy to hear that they planned to head out soon to go up to the Namsan Tower.

Johnny had been there a couple of times, three locks must still be up there with his unreadable wishes.

It was good that the trio was hanging out, this way he also knew that Ten was in good hands. Truthfully, he worried so much about him.

He had hurt him.

***

After a month of working in New York, Johnny just finished his workout session at the gym.

This was the best way for him to deal with his thoughts, in a way punishing himself but also doing something for his body. He also got himself quite a lot of new clothes and a new haircut as well, dyeing his dark hari into a light brown and with each little transformation Johnny was feeling a little better. 

He dried his face with a towel and sipped at a protein shake when two girls passed him, obviously he had caught their eyes. They giggled and turned around, making sure to sway with their hips a little more aggressively than before. Johnny sipped at the shake and watched them just for a moment, then looking away.

“Maybe go ahead and talk to them.” He suddenly heard his trainer suggesting, pointing at the ladies. “They are interested in you.”

Johnny chuckled through his nose and placed the shake down on the counter. “Maybe. But I am not.” And this… startled the photographer right there.

Surely he had not missed their looks, their hips - one of them definitely would have been his type. But honestly.. Johnny felt nothing. He just wanted to do his workout, get a refreshed mind and walk home. 

And that was what he was doing.

It had been raining, so he walked quickly through it, only a hoodie barely shielding him.

Damn it, he should have checked the weather forecast. But it was too late for that now.

At home he quickly undid the hoodie that was soaked wet, taking a second shower just to warm up again before looking for something new to wear. He browsed his small wardrobe, looking for a specific hoodie he always loved to wear. Huh. Where was it?

Right.

He had given it to Ten the other day….

And here we were again.

Johnny pressed his lips together as he just picked a t-shirt and put it on, crushing on his coach and turning on the TV. Even so he tried to, his mind could not focus on the nonsense that was on the screen. No, he just stared at it and felt empty.

He recalled Ten wearing that hoodie and Johnny making fun of it because it was too large. 

They had joked about it and just the memory made Johnny smile. Damn how badly he wanted to turn back the time, seeing Ten again wearing his hoodie.

And then he caught himself thinking of the way Ten would look with only wearing his hoodie.

What?

Johnny sat up and turned off the TV. Nonsense.

A hand brushed through his hair. Where did this come from again?

It happened weeks ago that he firstly thought of how sexy Ten looked and that it was attracting Johnny, more than even the girls did at the gym.

Damn. He felt a tickling in his chest, as if his heartbeat was increasing right then and his mind went again to a place that he wanted to forbid but never could.

Sometimes Johnny was like a kid. The forbidden areas being the most he was interested in.

And here he had been the one who forbade to think like that, to feel like that.

Ten was his friend.

Not anymore.

Fuck you.

Johnny was so in between all of this. No matter how many things he did or what he was doing. He eventually ended up thinking of Chittaphon. And in a way he had more and more to acknowledge that.. It was not about him being a friend.

But no matter what, Johnny couldn’t fix things. 

Two more weeks passed when Johnny completed his second project. It had been a success and he actually was pleased with the result which did not happen that much.

An artist can always do better, that is what keeps them going. But even the company he was working for praised his results and also gave him a week of vacation before they would go and decide about the following project and extension of his temporary contract.

Johnny decides to take this chance and head to Chicago, visiting his parents and old friends.

They greeted him with the warmest welcome he ever received and immediately when his mother embraced him, he felt like his mind was at peace. Just for this moment.

He had missed his parents a lot and had been gone for such a long time. And still.. His room and everything in the house still looked the same. His father had announced to make a big bbq party in the evening and had invited neighbours and friends. Johnny, who usually was humble and not exactly happy about being the center like that - was truly looking forward to the event.

He helped his dad, buying all they needed, while his mother prepared salads and everything.

And it had been such a blast.

Johnny felt all the love, all the support, all the assurance that he neglected himself from the past month. And just as he noticed how light his mind felt when he was hugging his mother, The photographer also had to admit that not once that evening did he have sad thoughts or was beating himself up about things.

Three days passed where he just spent a lot of time with people who came to see him. He even visited his old school, checking in on his favourite teacher who actually cried seeing the full grown man in front of her.

A lot of them were also asking about Yoonoh, happy to hear that the other was running a successful business on his own.

And while talking about success it inevitably happened that one of the neighbours mentioned photos of a very certain person. 

Ten. 

He was following Johnny everywhere it seemed. The photographer showed his gratitude to the praise he received for his work that was his personal little breakthrough, reminding him whom he owed it in a way. The model had asked for this shooting, and even so he had disagreed before, Johnny saw this as a collaboration, so Ten had been a big part of his success.

But not just that…when he saw most of his friends bonded, married or even expecting family, he found himself wishing for this one thing he missed the most, Being loved - genuinely. And only one person had come close to making him feel like that. 

“What’s wrong?” A hand rested on Johnny’s shoulder and he saw his father joining him.

Everyone was in their own conversation, so for now they were just the two of them talking. 

“Nothing is wrong dad.” He responded immediately and received a chuckle, the hand withdrawing. “You might not be around that much, but you can not fool your father. I see something is bothering you.” 

Johnny brushed through his hair, “Mom, sent you.”

Now his father chuckled again and admitted “Of course, but her concern is also mine, John. You know you can always come to us, when you need advice, money, a roof over your head.” Johnny smiled at his dad and placed his arm around the older man’s shoulders.

“I am very aware of that, and your support makes me much stronger than both of you think, even when I am far away.” His dad tabbed his hand over Johnny’s. 

“Nice try, son. But that does not explain your stern look. You smile less than we know you.”

Johnny tilted his head. “Yeah, clearly Mom’s observation.” 

“So?”

“You are quite stubborn.” 

Now both chuckled. 

“I don’t know dad, there is just a lot on my mind lately.”

“A woman?”

That kind of stung in his heart and Johnny pressed his lips together.

“Ah, I knew it.”

“It’s not like that, dad. It’s true that it has something to do with me being single for almost a year now, but..”

How should he even explain this, his feelings. What was he actually feeling?

“Well, son. You are a good boy, your heart is in the right place and will guide you in the end. It’s inevitable.”

That made Johnny thoughtful, because right then he realized what he would do if he just blindly following his feelings, not his mind.

Why did it not feel like home?

Because he had left something very essential back in Seoul.

Johnny missed Ten. 

Not just the friendship, the jokes, the teases, those fierce eyes staring at him. 

No, he missed the feeling he had when being with Ten. 

„John? Are you okay?“

He missed their laughter, their time together…Johnny missed Chittaphon.

Perhaps this lump in his throat ever since he came to the US…was not about the incident itself, the guilt feeling not because he asked Ten to do some things… 

he missed Ten and he felt bad for neglecting his feelings, even hurting the other by his own ignorance.

„Johnny“ his father bumped his son a little to get the attention back and it worked.

„Sorry what?“ 

„You just smiled…your heart just smiled,“ he said and winked at his son.

„Give this time, be patient but honest to yourself. What is it that you really want? If you find that out, you go for achieving it.“

„Thank you.“ Johnny said and hugged his old man. In a way he felt glad about this conversation, it opened his eyes to a lot of things, moments and thoughts Johnny had buried underneath reasons, his responsibilities and the ideal of friendship.

„I think I want to go back…“ he said and made his father frowned for a moment, in a way he did not seem to expect that. „Are you not happy here?“ 

Was the instant question and the photographer thought about. „It‘s not like that, it is just that in Seoul…I felt happier.“

„I try my luck again…are you happier there because of someone special?”

Johnny‘s father asked and his son shrugged

„You already know.“ Johnny chuckled and poked his father with his elbow.

„Yeah“ was the answer and grinned amused when Johnny shook his head. 

„Whoever it is, Johnny boy… if you feel like that person is worth the risk. Then go for it. You are still young and always stand up again, no matter the hardship,“

In a way, this was all that Johnny needed to hear at this very moment to make a decision.

He needed to go back. Back to the place where he felt at home and happy.

***

Hazel eyes checked the time on the cellphone, annoyed that his flight was delayed so much that he actually had to take a cab again instead of his preferred way to drive home. 

Johnny did not want to ask anyone at this late hour to pick him up and in a way… this was meant to be some kind of a surprise for everyone.

Johnny included. 

He was crazy to have done it and very aware of it.

But somehow he couldn’t help it, he had to come back. 

He arrived home and opened the door to his apartment. 

Home. Yes, this was what it was. 

This apartment had “a soul”. 

He always called it that because there had been many memories made here unlike in the small one he had in New York. Johnny smiled to see that everything was untouched. Yoonoh was taking care of his plants, all of them looking healthy and green, even the one that was always on the edge of dying. It was blooming actually. How did he do it? Johnny wondered as he placed his luggage in a corner, not feeling like unpacking it just yet. A shower.. after this long flight he needed a shower and this was the first thing he did before slipping into new clothing as well. He checked the time, it was past midnight. Why did he put on his jeans instead of just his briefs. 

Because! 

Johnny brushed through his hair and chewed on his inner cheeks, getting his key and a lighter jacket since it was not that cold anymore. He had to try. That’s why he was here. 

If this will not work out okay, Johnny will personally give it up. But at least he could tell himself that he did all in his power to make it right again.

It took him around 20 minutes by foot to stand in front of a building complex, looking up to see a dimmed light illuminating the right windows. 

So he was still up. 

His heart started to race as he thought about the last time he and Ten were together, the heavy air back then made it hard to breath. Johnny was so confused and conflicted about what happened. Not really what happened but what he felt when it happened. 

Johnny arrived at the door and now knew which bell he needed to ring.

But just as he wanted to, the door opened and a young man stepped out, probably going to work his nightshift. He smiled and actually held the door open.

Johnny thanked him and walked inside. 

Two months ago he was here, texting Ten, hoping to fix things. Even so he had no clue how and if it could be fixed. Was there even something to fix? 

Back then Johnny had no answer, but now he was seeing things much clearer. 

Instead of a message, he rang the doorbell, waiting in front of the peephole. 

He was nervous, utterly nervous to get nothing from it. Leaving the company he worked for, flying back here.

Take the risk… the words from his father repeated in his head.

He had to try, he could not go on like this. 

*Ding. Dong.*

* * *

**TEN**

Tomorrow came whether Ten was prepared for it or not. Muscles aching and Ten realised sunlight was hitting his still closed eyes, creating flames of red as it flashed against his eyelids. Ten cracked an eye open, aiming to pull the cover, a blanket—or anything, over his head.

It felt _ harsh _ . Reality too cruel when Ten realised he wasn’t in bed, but on the floor. _ Rough _ when Ten was shook into an awake state as yesterday poured all over him. _ Disgusting _ as Ten noticed the dried come stains on his shirt, peeling off in a thin layer on his fingers. How the fuck had he managed to fall asleep on the floor? His clothes still smelled of Johnny and Ten felt the rising of bile at the back of his throat. He had to get it off himself—now, or else Ten feared he’d get sick on his own floorboards.

Ten made quick work of it, throwing his shirt off and as far away as he could. He pulled down his trousers and pants, stepping out of them as he was on his way into the shower, not even sparing a moment to look at himself in the mirror—too afraid of the reflection he’d have to face.

Cold water finally hit his back and Ten rinsed through everything. Washing away any trace of the spiteful act he’d given in to in late yesterday night. Ten soaped himself up (once, twice, thrice…), scrubbing at himself with a force that left his skin red and tender. Shampooed his hair about as many times too. In the end it could have been more, Ten lost track of counting eventually as he was sure he’d reached the twelfth time. Just continued washing and rinsing. It had to come off, off, _ off _.

It was only when his clothes were in the bin (one of his good ones, Ten had saved money to afford that set. It didn’t matter that he earned a good deal out of modelling, he still had to pay his rent, but Ten had an expensive taste. But there wasn’t much to do about it. Ten didn’t know if he would ever be able to look at those clothes the same way again. It simply had to be done), used towels in the washing machine, floor swept and all traces gone, AC on and Febreze sprayed all over to get any odors out (Ten even opened his windows to let in fresh air, even though it was still cold outside), and skin smelling of his own soap this time and finally Ten felt his heartbeat slowing down, settling into a more comfortable pace. 

Ten sat down at his kitchen table with a cup of coffee—a strong espresso, not an Americano—staring down at his phone, the screen empty. It felt odd, not being wanted. Ten was always wanted, busy and surrounded by plenty of people. Ten would usually die for some time alone, always busying himself with work (and even if Ten didn’t go out clubbing as much—or at all, by late he was spending all the time he could spare with friends anyway)—but now that he was given it, it didn’t feel as gratifying as he thought it would be. Had he ever been that wanted anyway? Ten wasn’t so sure anymore. They all wanted something, but did they ever want _ him _?

Ten found himself staring at a blank text to Taeyong again. Should he send it? What could he even write? _ I know you’ve got enough to worry about with your boyfriend but I’ve majorly fucked up, please send help _. Ten shook his head to himself, he couldn’t do that.

“Fuck,” Ten sighed, pushing his phone away from himself.

This was the very reason Ten had chosen not to let Johnny into his life in the first place. It could only end like this.

***

It was difficult to pretend, but Ten had been through this before. This was a process he _ knew _ a process that was all too familiar for him. To shove things under the carpet and forget they ever existed. It was what Ten had done after moving to Korea, forgetting everything he’d been forced to leave behind, only to look forward. It was what Ten did with the bullies at school, he pushed the pain away until he couldn’t feel it anymore. It was what he did with his dreams, keeping himself down to Earth and be realistic about things like _ dancing _ or _ drawing _ or _ music _ . It was what Ten had done with Johnny—before. Back when it had only been about getting to know each other, back when it was about becoming _ friends _ . Back when Ten still didn’t know the weight of Johnny’s hard cock in his mouth. Back when things had somehow still been easier. But Ten knew how to live in ignorance, especially towards himself. That was how he got himself forward. They all had different coping mechanisms, this was Ten’s. It could be worse. The first two days were the hardest. The first one Ten preferred not to think about at all. It felt ugly, repulsive in a way. The second one Johnny had found his way to Ten’s flat. With his heart beating in his throat Ten’s eyes had flicked between the screen of his phone and the door that seemed a hundred yards away. It was impossible to reach. Too many miles already having been put between the two of them. His fingers unable to type anything in reply. What was left to be said? This was for the best. So Ten swallowed down his heart, pretending it didn’t exist. Pretending he couldn’t hear footsteps leaving, Johnny slipping through his fingers. Pretending he couldn’t see the next text Johnny sent him even if his own device tried to prove him wrong. _ Read _ , it said, in an ugly font. _ Laugh at me if you want _, Ten thought. He was stronger than that.

With Johnny gone it got easier—at least that was what Ten told himself. And perhaps it was. Somewhat easier to focus on the matters at hand. The real issues. 

Yoonoh needed the distraction, even if he spent a lot of time alone with Taeyong the small group of friends had started to hang out all the more often. Doing silly nonsense. One evening Ten got a message from Taeyong, asking him if he could come by his flat. That had been the first occurrence. Ten had thought it would be the same as ever, even if they were commonly at Ten’s place, Ten was completely set on watching a film with Taeyong. Perhaps Mark or Kun would sit on the sofa or on Taeyong’s bed too—instead Ten had got there, Kun opening the door to let him in and Ten found Taeyong already crawled up in Yoonoh’s lap, head resting against his boyfriend’s shoulder as a film was already playing in front of them. At first Ten had felt out of place. It might have been the first time he’d felt like that when being close to Taeyong. It was the two of them against the world, and it would always be like that—wouldn’t it? But then Taeyong had gestured with his hand, a gentle “come here” and Ten had crawled up too, sitting close by, shins touching Yoonoh’s legs as they continued watching the film through until the end. Ten never really understood what it was about, perhaps he was too much in his own head to pay it enough attention to keep track of the plot. It seemed to be something soft and romantic, honey dipped voices, flower petals and shimmery pastel colours. Ten would prefer something more thrilling, but he guessed he could see the charm. They started the second film without many words being exchanged, a similar story enfolded, a group of friends meeting and a couple eventually getting their happy end. Maybe it was exactly what they all needed, an escape from reality into a world that would treat them with more care, gentle hues and rounded angles too soft to ever risk cutting oneself if one got too close. They had fallen asleep like that. Mark eventually disappearing into his and Kun’s room and Kun drifting off on the sofa. Ten didn’t know when sleep overtook him, he only realised the day after when Kun shook his shoulder gently.

“Time to wake up, princess,” he’d said in a soft voice, placing a warm bowl of what looked like fried rice with pork in Ten’s cold hands.

_ How the fuck does he know I like pork? _

“What time is it?”

“Around noon.”

Ten blinked, looking around and taking in Taeyong’s flat—Taeyong himself not anywhere to be found, Yoonoh was missing too.

“Where’s the others?” Ten had asked.

Kun just shrugged.

“I don’t know. Out, I guess.”

It had continued like that. Not every day of the week, but as many times as their schedule allowed. It became some sort of non spoken rule. Everyone eventually learned what had happened when Yoonoh and Taeyong had invited Yoonoh’s parents. Ten didn’t actually know if everyone did know, but they all learned the basics. It wasn’t so much caring as it was distractions. It was possible they were all in need of that, for their own personal reasons. When Ten was busy shooting he knew someone else would take care of the two. Kun and Mark often staying at home, their shared interest in music bringing them all together. Ten had seen it before, Yoonoh listening intently as the three of them discussed some composition or Taeyong asking for help with the music he himself was currently writing. Sometimes Yuta and Sicheng would go on double dates with Yoonoh and Taeyong. Eating out, visiting parks, and whatnot. It didn’t really matter what the weather looked like, they all knew they had a task, and they all seemed to enjoy it. Ten realised he did too, every time he was with them. Ten didn’t know if Taeyong had managed to talk Yoonoh out of working a bit, but they seemed content with how things went on. Working when they had to and spending time with friends at the time they had to spare. _ Friends _ . It was odd. How Ten realised how many people were slowly surrounding him. People who wouldn’t laugh at him, but with him; who didn’t care who he was supposed to be, but who stayed and listened for who he was; they took their time with him, as if they enjoyed his company, not because of a name, but because of himself—because of Chittaphon. Perhaps the weirdest thing was: Ten had started to like it. When had these people become his comfort zone? When did the very _ friends _ of Johnny Suh became close enough to Ten for him to call them his own? Even after he’d screwed himself over and more? It was never difficult, and Ten didn’t know why he’d thought it would be so bad before. Trying to let people in. Perhaps he didn’t have to let them in to his deepest secrets unfolded, but just allowing them to coexist? Share a moment or two, drink tea and talk over dinner. It wasn’t that bad—rather, it wasn’t bad at all. And Ten thought he could get used to this.

Ten had known Taeyong knew that something wasn’t right for quite a long time now, perhaps ever since _ that _ had happened. But Taeyong didn’t ask. Ten could feel his eyes lingering a bit too long at times, over a table, across a room. Whenever their eyes met and Taeyong shot Ten those innocent doe eyes, concern written across his face, Ten could feel himself almost parting his lips, words slipping out. But he wouldn’t have it. Ten couldn’t face it, not yet.

It was nice, keeping his mind busy with something else. Taking care of Taeyong and Yoonoh. Making sure they were alright, that they knew they had a place where they belonged. Where they could make their own home. 

“Come along to Namsan Tower,” Taeyong had said over supper one evening.

“Okay,” Ten had replied.

“With me and Yoonoh. Come buy locks with us in the morning. We want to add wishes of our own.”

Ten had studied Taeyong’s face, uncertain of his intentions.

“Sounds nice, when are the others available? I thought Yuta had the day shift tomorrow.”

“It’ll just be the three of us,” Taeyong had replied, licking his lips.

“You sure you don’t want to go alone?”

“I’m sure. We want you to come with us.”

And so Ten had found himself picking out locks with the two of them. Taeyong had settled for a cheesy heart shaped lock in pink that had Ten making faces and Yoonoh laughing but it was all good. The walk up had taken quite some time, and Ten was constantly reminded of the couples walking side by side beside them. A boyfriend to the right holding his arm around his girlfriend as they continued onwards, together.

“You okay?” Taeyong asked as he turned around, standing close to Yoonoh and Ten swallowed, nodding in reply.

“Fine,” he said, smiling.

It wasn’t too difficult. Smiling. Ten had done it for most of his teenage and adult years. Smiling to cover up imperfections. He was good at it. Ten saw the way Taeyong could see through him, eyebrows furrowed for less than half a second before smoothing out again. Replaced with a small smile of his own as he turned his attention to Yoonoh again. Letting go. Laughing as they exchanged some internal joke Ten wasn’t in on. It was okay. The way things had changed. Ten didn’t mind as much as he’d been afraid he would. When he’d met Yoonoh back at Taeyong’s street Ten had thought he was losing a friend. He hadn’t. Instead he hadn’t gained not only one. But many. It was okay. And perhaps it was better this way. After all, the world was bigger than Ten.

Ten looked out over Seoul. The air was crisp but one could tell spring was already coming. The wind wasn’t as sharp as it could be, but softer, caring almost. Stroking his cheeks as it went by. Some of the trees sporting small buds, still green, but insisting, bursting with life that was yet to come. Awaiting a warmer breeze, a golden future. 

A few feet away Ten could see Taeyong and Yoonoh scribble at their locks, fastening them together at a railing. Taeyong reached for Yoonoh’s hand, locking their fingers together as if to emphasise the meaning behind their shared wishes. Ten noticed the way Taeyong’s fingers squeezed Yoonoh’s, the way those big eyes peered at his boyfriend. As if he was shy in front of him even after the countless hours they had already spent together. Even if they didn’t kiss right there, Ten felt the importance of their shared hands. A promise in itself. A promise of a brighter future, like the buds waiting to bloom. Ten smiled. It would come for them too. Two people who had so long repressed their own identities, neglected their own wishes to better adjust to others’, finally holding hands out in the open. Above their city for the world to see.

Ten knew he probably shouldn’t go look, but he couldn’t keep his feet from moving forward once he saw Taeyong and Yoonoh move away. The locks were nicely locked into each other, Taeyong’s metal bar hooked into Yoonoh’s, and both of them hooked onto the railing. Everything connected, but mostly, their own locks pressed together.

_ Under Stand _ , was written on Taeyong’s and Yoonoh’s minimalistic white one read _ Acceptance & Understanding _ . Ten licked his bottom lip. Where he’d thought they’d both write something romantic like the tons of other locks he’d walked past so far, instead they had gone for the things which they were currently lacking. _ They’re confident in one another _ , Ten realised, swallowing thickly, _ Confident in their love to one another _.

Ten pushed his hands deeper inside his pockets, left thumb circling around the metal of his own lock. Ten took a deep breath. He was here, after all, having walked all the steps up to get here. He simply had to put his lock somewhere too.

Ten picked out his lock. A black circular shape he’d found he already owned. It was easier, than buying a new one. Plus, he didn’t really need this one anyway. He could just as well leave this black spot here. 

Ten picked out the black permanent pen. As he uncapped it, Ten realised the tip of the pen was shaking. Ten looked at his hands, both trembling even though it wasn’t that cold anymore. He took another deep breath before letting the black ink paint the metal.

Ten wrote, hating the way he felt tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, and before he knew it Ten read what he’d written, uncertain how _ that _ name had come through and entered his world once again.

_ Turn my mess into messages, learn from the lessons and keep on. I’ll never regret meeting you, Johnny. _

***

Ten didn’t know why he had assumed it was Taeyong who would ask him about it. Perhaps he didn’t know his friend as well as he thought he did—or perhaps Taeyong knew Ten better than Ten wanted to acknowledge. It was true, had it been Taeyong-hyung who’d asked first, Ten probably would never have said anything. Not this time. This time was different. It felt different. It was messier. Johnny. Johnny who was Yoonoh’s best friend. It was possible Taeyong already knew something about it, if Johnny had talked to Yoonoh about it. Ten somehow doubted it, but didn’t want to assume. He knew Johnny better by now—but did he knew him that well that he could exclude the possibility of Johnny _ having _ talked to Yoonoh? Ten didn’t know.

This was the way it had to go down. Ten inviting Taeyong over, not specifically for a chat, just some tea, and in the end Taeyong had brought milk tea with him. Green, for Ten. He really did appreciate the thought. Taeyong always knew what could make him more comfortable. Ten hadn’t really thought of saying anything, it just blurted out of him when they were seated on his sofa again. Talking, joking, laughing, like the old times. Even after everything, things were still somehow the same. Ten couldn’t remember why he’d feared it would be any different.

“I fucked up.”

And it was only after the words were out in the open, hanging in the air, that Ten realised he was the one who had said them. The weight in his chest got a bit lighter, even if his skin started to prickle with nervousness. It never felt good to keep things in, he had to get them out there.

Taeyong didn’t reply immediately, only sipping at his own tea. Ten took a deep breath.

“With Johnny,” Ten let out, the name barely a whisper on his lips.

Taeyong swallowed his drink, putting it down on the floor below.

“I didn’t want to assume,” _ like me _, Ten thought.

“I guess you were right,” Ten smiled, it didn’t feel genuine.

“Have you… talked?”

Ten laughed. The sound dry.

“Not really. Not sure if it's needed.”

“Sounds like you,” Taeyong retorted, a furrow visible between his eyebrows and Ten had the urge to smooth it out with his finger, having seen it too often lately, “Doesn’t sound like Johnny.”

Ten sighed.

“I don’t know.”

Taeyong tilted his head, leaning back against the sofa as he watched Ten.

“I’m sure he’ll listen. Just talk to him. Explain. He’ll understand.”

“That’s it though,” Ten said, feeling the shameful tears burning behind his eyelids and he closed his eyes, not wanting to face the world any longer, “He would forgive me if I asked for it. I don’t have to ask, I just _ know _ it. But it’s bigger this time. I can’t just… undo it. Neither can he, even if he would want to.”

“Don’t be such a drama queen, Ten. It’s never impossible. You’ll get it sorted. Just give him a call.”

“I asked him to kiss me,” Ten finally said it.

The silence stretched on. Ten didn’t dare to look at Taeyong, not yet. When no reply came Ten took a deep breath again. He could do this.

“And he did. It was brilliant. Or so I thought.”

“Ten.”

Ten looked up, back at Taeyong but the world seemed blurred in its edges. Softer than he remembered it being. As if seen through a filter, too kind to be real. Ten blinked, and the world righted itself. Wetness running down his cheeks instead. Ten sipped air into his lungs. Just as he’d thought, it wasn’t the world that had got softer. The world was just the same as it had always been. It was his own emotions colouring the world around him. Tears falling down his face.

“I’m sure you can explain,” Taeyong said, but Ten heard his voice wavering, as if uncertain himself.

“You don’t even know half of it.”

Taeyong licked over his lip, hand reaching out as his palm touched Ten’s knee for a brief second, before withdrawing, head leaning against the sofa again, a small smile on his lips.

“It’ll be alright.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because you always get back up again. I’ve seen it before. You take and take, get thrown to the floor. But you stand up again. Stronger than before.”

Ten smiled weakly. _ Oh, if that was true _ , he thought. _ All I do is pretend _.

How could he ever fix this?

***

Somehow the days passed. Days turned into weeks, again and again. Kun finished his composition. Ten and Sicheng started on a new choreography, with Kun working with them—and a new addition: Yangyang. It was better than Ten thought it would be. Yangyang was young, but a nice breeze that made the world seem a bit lighter. The dark frozen mood of winter melting just the slightest. Ten was in need of the distraction, something to keep his mind off of things. And things only continued onwards; somehow Ten got in touch with the venue that had hosted his and Sicheng’s last performance and got the opportunity to perform. Again. This time, it would be a shorter programme as it wasn’t organised by Lee Taemin. It would be part of a bigger performance, their act being the last one, with a limit of minutes. But Ten was happy about it. Yet things all seemed to pass in a haze. Blurred out the way they did when Ten had cried in front of Taeyong. Only Ten wasn’t crying anymore. The water seemingly having run out of him, dried into the bare dessert that he’d become instead. A shell, perhaps, hollow inside, but Ten took whatever he could. Whatever it took to pretend for a little longer.

Even though Ten had known the time would come when Johnny Suh would be back in Korea it had all started to feel like a distant dream. A nightmare in which Ten had thoroughly fucked up.

Ten was alone in his flat, having practised for all day but even so sat up awake on his sofa. The lights outside fading out into a black and white photograph. Ten liked the night, it was a darkness that could enfold him in invisible blankets. Let him rest in its silence and take a breath from the world awaiting him the next day. Ten was just checking through his own social media account. The one Taeyong had scrolled through so many times too. Was everything this superficial? On his account, his life seemed effortless. Glamorous. Beautiful. Without the many cracks and flaws Ten had created himself. He had started posting drawings by late. The ones he otherwise always kept in a drawer in his room. Black ink staining white sheets of paper. Ten could relate with that. Ink was inevitable. Almost impossible to remove. Once the paper was touched by it, it would always be coloured. Turning to its opposite whether it wanted to or not.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and Ten looked up from his own illustrations. It was odd. It was in the middle of the night—who in their right mind paid anyone a visit at this hour? No one. Only a lunatic. Or Taeyong. It was true, Taeyong-hyung could pay Ten a visit without any warning. Simply showing up, the same way Ten would too. However, it was long since that had last happened. Nowadays he was spending a lot of time with Yoonoh and the times he did spend with Ten were usually more planned beforehand, scheduled. Ten approached the door warily. One step, two steps, three, four—Ten swallowed as he walked the familiar hallway. Put down his phone on the small table along with his keys just by the shoe stand. He could just ignore it. It wasn’t necessarily anyone of importance. He could just play pretend like he’d done for all of these weeks, sit back and not care for whoever seeked him out in the dark. Still, as if under a spell Ten leaned forward, palm against the cold door as he looked out through the peephole.

In a way he was the same. Ten didn’t know why he’d expected anything else. It was Johnny. Standing outside, wearing a black jacket and dark trousers. Hair swept back as if it had been taken by the wind for a few minutes. Ten wondered if Johnny had made it that way or if it had just happened on his way to Ten’s door. Ten swallowed. The man outside his door was too real, his corporeal form too haunting, too _ beautiful _ and Ten hated the way he wanted to open the door and cling to Johnny’s body. Hold on tight and never let go again. But he couldn’t. He’d overstepped, and he couldn’t do this to Johnny—nor to himself.

If he could only _ pretend _ for a little while the way he had before Ten had crossed the line that was never his to cross, only a few more seconds, then perhaps Johnny might leave and Ten wouldn’t have to ask him to. Ten started to count. One, two, three, four—it was easy, he could do this, it was just like choreography, as long as he didn’t step out of line this time, as long as he kept to the plan it would be okay—five, six, seven, eight. One, two—Ten started over, frozen in place as he watched Johnny crossing his arms behind his back. Johnny stood on tiptoes before going down flat against the sole of his feet again, arm moving towards the bell, probably to ring again—but then, a moment of hesitation and Ten held his breath as those familiar hazel eyes moved over to the peephole. Their eyes meeting even if Johnny didn’t know—or did he? Ten swallowed. It felt like it. It felt like Johnny was staring right into his soul, and if Ten wasn’t careful enough he’d open the door and fall to his knees, pleading forgiveness—and Johnny would accept him, arms resting against Ten’s back too. They’d laugh about their misunderstandings and forget anything ever happened. Why was it that every time Ten imagined it, it never ended differently? Why was it that Ten couldn’t imagine Johnny dismissing him. 

Ten released his breath, not daring to blink as if Johnny could see him too. 

Instead of ringing again Johnny seemed to reach for his phone, long fingers dancing graciously over his screen. Johnny brushed his hair back and Ten stopped breathing again. Was his hair dyed? It was difficult to tell in the dark. It could be. Ten wondered how many weeks had passed since he’d last seen Johnny. How many months had it been already? Ten was lying if he said he hadn’t kept track of the weeks Johnny had been gone. He’d been gone for eight weeks, this was the start of the ninth. This was day fifty seven.

Johnny raised his phone to his ear, and Ten jumped back from the door momentarily as he was taken by surprise, swearing under his breath as Ten’s own phone started ringing. An annoying tone calling out through his flat on the loudest possible volume. Ten hated that song. It was a complete joke. Ten didn’t even know when it had happened. He only knew that Johnny had played around on Ten’s phone, to set up a new profile picture, he’d said, but instead Ten had ended up with the dumbest ringtone that had ever been invented. Why hadn’t he changed it? Ten had swore to change it first thing next morning—so why hadn’t he? Humiliation and dread flooded Ten as the fucking Nyan Cat started playing, loud enough for Johnny to hear through Ten’s door if he was standing close enough—which he was. There was no way Ten could pretend any longer.

Ten took a deep breath.

_ Fuck it _. Ten spun on his heel, throwing himself at the phone to make the noise end as soon as possible, swiping right with his thumb, accepting the call. Ten lifted his hand to his ear, holding his breath.

It was quiet on the other side of the line for a moment and Ten almost walked up to the peephole again to check if Johnny had left so maybe Ten could tell himself he’d dreamed up the whole affair—until Johnny’s voice broke the silence, of all the possible ways he could strike up a conversation, calling him out on the stupidest shit Ten had ever been involved in: “You really kept that ringtone? That’s… woah.”

Ten bit down on his bottom lip, exhaling quietly as Johnny spoke.

“Don’t get ideas. I never found time to change it—too lazy,” Ten explained, voice more monotone than he’d thought possible.

“No laziness can excuse you to have this annoying song for months now. I knew you always had been a secret fan of Nyan Cat,” Johnny replied and Ten’s heart ached at the familiar banter—he’d missed it, how had he managed so long without hearing Johnny’s silly comments?

After a moment’s silence Johnny continued: “Can we talk?”

“Aren’t we already?” Ten replied.

It sounded harsher than he’d planned for. _ I don’t want to hurt you again _ . Ten bit down on his lip, but harder this time. There was another pause on Johnny’s end. _ I’m hurting him _, Ten thought, swallowing.

“I know it’s late but... there are things I need to say and I would rather see you instead of accompany this half dried sad plant here on the floor.”

How could he say no to that? Ten hated the way his hands longed to unlock the door and open it for Johnny. Hated the way his _ heart _ yearned for acceptance, forgiveness, and understanding. Everything Taeyong and Yoonoh had wished for at the Tower. Maybe that was really what they all wanted. Ten was quiet again, the seconds ticking away. He didn’t know for how long.

Ten could hear Johnny sighing, an echo of the way they had parted ways last time and Ten cringed. How could he fix this? He shouldn’t. That was his answer, he couldn’t fix this.

“Can I come in?“ Johnny’s voice sounded low, calmer than what the moment called for and Ten didn’t know what made _ him _ worth it, Ten wasn’t worth it, so why did Johnny bother?

Ten swallowed, knowing it was probably audible to Johnny too.

“I already let you in, Johnny. And I ruined it. But there’s no undoing it. You told me to promise you to tell you when something isn’t cool between us—I intend to keep that promise; so I’ll make myself clear,” Ten cleared his throat, taking a deep breath to steady himself before continuing—he had to do this, he had to try for the both of them, “I don’t see the point of letting you back in. Not when we know I’ll ruin it over, and over again,” Ten let out a tired laugh.

It sounded broken. _ Fuck _. Ten didn’t know if he cared anymore.

There was a shuffling sound on the other end and Ten bit his lip, wanting to check through the peephole but not daring to look.

“I respect that,” Johnny’s voice said, “Although you did not ruin things all by yourself. So did I,“ there was a soft thudding sound and Ten wondered if Johnny had sat down outside—Ten hoped he wasn’t too cold, Johnny should learn to take better care of himself, “We both could have handled it better. I—“ Johnny stopped, audibly swallowing too, “I wanted to avoid to tell you on the phone, but I… didn’t extend the contract or settle all things there when I had to fix the unsettled ones here,“ there was another brief pause before Johnny continued, “I‘ve been thinking of you a lot.“

Ten dropped his phone.

Finally things seemed to drop into place. _ Johnny? Back in South Korea _ — _ already? _ His _ contract—work _ , his _ projects _ —the _ opportunity _ , US. Ten had been so caught up in his own thoughts and worries he’d completely forgotten about the very reason to Johnny’s absence. _ Why? _ seemed to echo through Ten’s mind. _ I can’t be the reason he’s back, please don’t let me be the reason he’s back _.

Ten vaguely registered someone calling his name. Picking up his phone again, hands trembling as he caught onto the next sentence.

“Please... please hear me out. Please give me a chance to make it right again.“

“Sorry,” he breathed.

“Don‘t be... for anything,“ Johnny assured, his signature kindness making itself known and Ten closed his eyes for a moment, how he’d missed him, “I truly missed you,” Johnny’s voice continued, words quiet in Ten’s ear, almost an echo of Ten’s own thoughts, “And I want us to be okay again. I know we can make it, we did it before and there is so much I still have to tell you and want you to know. Please, Chittaphon… Ten… don‘t… lock me out like that.“

Ten tried to breath more steadily. In, out.

“You came back... but your work...” Ten managed, his words coming out in fragments.

“Is done there. I had to come back and fix ‘us‘.“

“But—” Ten started.

He had to buy time. This was getting dangerous. Ten already knew what he wanted, but it had been about his own unwanted desires from the very start. His selfishness had to end somewhere.

“Give me a chance... one chance to explain,” Johnny’s voice all too kind.

Ten swallowed. Hating himself as he placed his phone down between a couple of shoes left in the hall. The call still left hanging as he unlocked the door without any words. It felt as though he was moving in trance and Ten took a step back, swallowing again as he turned, heading towards his sofa again. His mind finally becoming blank, words fading, black ink being washed away, leaving no traces in an impossible reverse act of erasing. Ten sat down on the floor beneath his sofa, legs close to his chest as he waited, almost holding his breath, afraid the movement of air would be enough to change the world. A flutter of a butterfly’s wings and it could all go sideways.

Ten heard shuffling, the turning of the lever as hands pressed it down, pushing gently at the door as it creaked under the touch. Ten wondered if the door was older than them. How many lives had it witnessed already? Ten didn’t really know much about his flat. Who had lived here before? Why hadn’t he cared to ask the previous owner? Ten took a small breath, listening as Johnny closed the door behind him, his steps echoing softly until he took off his shoes, a thud as he left them probably next to some of Ten’s. Domestique. Johnny had never been inside Ten’s flat before. Ten had seen to that, and Johnny had never questioned it. It had seemed important back then. To keep a small distance. An escape in case everything turned upside down. Ten had already destroyed everything. Yet Johnny had come back from US. He had _ thought _ of Ten. He’d decided to try to fix them. Could they be fixed? Was it possible to heal an open wound? What if there were no remedy? There was no knowing unless one tried. Ten needed them to talk. Making the impossible possible. Needed to see Johnny again. But it had to be both of their decisions. Perhaps it wasn’t Ten’s decision to make for the two of them. Johnny was no child. He could decide for himself. And who was Ten to always deny himself what he wanted the most? So Ten opened his door. If Johnny wanted to come in, he’d have to let himself inside. But even if he’d never been there, Ten was sure he’d find his way. _ If he wants to, he’ll find his way back to me _. It was easy enough, easy enough to find Ten however complicated he made it all seem. In the end things were easier. Perhaps as easy as to reach up and push open a door. A door that was never truly locked anyway. 

A shadow came over Ten, and Ten knew Johnny was standing beside him, blocking the light from the lamp placed next to the sofa. Johnny sat down beside him.

“Much better than the plant,“ Johnny said and Ten didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry.

It felt like a relief. To have Johnny beside him again. He’d become a friend Ten hadn’t known he needed. He’d had Taeyong, and now he had Johnny’s friends too—but there was something special with Johnny. Perhaps in the way their humour was aligned perfectly together, the way they could finish each other’s sentences at times, the way Ten could make himself cuter and he’d know he would have Johnny wrapped around his finger. The way he could ask for things and Johnny would accept, smile at Ten’s silliness. The way they could make time pass without noticing. With Johnny time didn’t matter. The passing of days blurring into one another. Ten wondered for how long it could go on like that. Could the season change without Ten being aware? Only a whisper of a breeze, a leaf dancing in the wind and time would pass effortlessly. Ten wanted to know. Did he dare to let himself experience it? Ten could try.

“Thank you,” Johnny said, “For this chance to speak to you. When I was in New York I faced a realisation that confused me at first; but also opened my eyes.“

Ten swallowed, looking down at his knees even as Johnny was seated beside him. Too afraid he’d lose himself would he look into those hazel eyes again.

“Is it really that important to say it to my face?” Ten said, although it sounded more like a whisper than anything else, his voice almost tired—but even though his words were harsh, gone was any previous vitriol.

Ten took a deep breath. He didn’t even try anymore. He’d made up his mind, and it was quite possible Johnny knew it too.

“I’m sorry,” Ten offered, giving up—he hoped it was in a good way, trying for the closest to the truth he could get, “I know why you came here. I know you’re straight and that what happened between us put you in a humiliating position. That was never my intention. You see, you don’t have to thank me for a chance to talk... you have given me so many second chances. But I don’t know how to fix this, Johnny. I’d say I’d give you a second chance—if there’s someone who deserves it, it’s you. But it’s once again, not you who’s in need of a second chance. It’s me. Again,” Ten closed his eyes, trying to collect himself, he had to try to explain.

Johnny was worth as much. Ten had to try if Johnny was to forgive him.

“It’s always going to be me,” Ten sighed.

_ Don’t you see that? _

“So I still have my second chance free to take,“ Johnny said and even though Ten couldn’t see it he _ heard _ Johnny smiling, _ felt _ the way he reached out, _ finally _ touching Ten as he placed his hand over Ten’s, pulling slightly, “Please. Look at me.“

Ten slowly turned his head, feeling the sudden need of _ air _ as he realised belatedly how close Johnny was seated beside him, body almost touching Ten’s. His presence was even stronger here, without the glass and the door between them. Here in the flesh, alive, heart beating. How could Ten ever keep Johnny away?

“You said I am straight. Well that’s what I told you and was. But do I look like someone who would randomly allow my gay friend to kiss me? I‘ve been single for more than half a year and did not let anyone close or even thought of kissing someone. Nobody but you,“ Johnny’s eyes weren’t yielding and Ten froze in place.

Ten could see Johnny’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

“Do I like women? Yes,” Johnny said, licking nervously over his bottom lip and Ten was quite certain he himself had stopped breathing altogether, “But I also like Chittaphon. A lot. Even before... that night I... thought of you... you know? And in New York I... thought even more of you.“

_ You know? _ Ten didn’t know if he dared to contemplate it, let alone think. Too afraid of the kind of conclusions his mind would jump to. Too afraid to hope too soon.

“You can’t just... turn gay,” Ten tried, not knowing what else he could say.

It didn’t make any sense. Ten was afraid. He needed the confirmation. Needed to hear Johnny say it again. Heart beating faster and faster.

“I don‘t make any rules. I just tell you what I feel. I felt all kinds of things that night, confusion, curiosity, excitement, nervousness—but I also felt something else,“ Johnny looked down at their hands and squeezed Ten’s gently, “I felt drawn to you. And... I really don’t care what this makes me. In New York I had a lot of time to think about it and I always felt drawn to you. I excused it with my profession but lately... this _ just _ can’t be the only reason why I can’t get you out of my head and why I—I will say it as it is so you won’t misunderstand—why I loved the way you kissed me.“

“Johnny...” was all that Ten managed to say, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Ten licked over his bottom lip again.

“You really...” Ten took a shaky breath before continuing, “You liked kissing me?” he asked stupidly.

Ten laced their fingers together, squeezing back. Inside, without his jacket Ten could see Johnny’s shirt: black, splattered with an abstract white pattern (or was it a white shirt, painted with black?). Ink touching all over, abstract form reaching and curling into a floral pattern—at closer inspection Ten saw that they were already in bloom.

Johnny smiled back.

“A lot...“ Johnny replied, looking down at their hands, fingers entwined and Ten wondered why they hadn’t held hands properly before, “No one ever kissed me like you did. I felt... that I matter.“

”You do,” Ten whispered, _ a lot _.

Ten swallowed again.

“I liked it, too,” Ten said, eyes focusing on their hands, “I used to go... out, a lot,” Ten admitted, feeling unusually nervous, “Clubbing, casual hookups. I think I stopped sometime after I met you,” he chuckled, “I think I’ve known for longer than I want to admit. That I knew how hard I’d fall for you, if I’d let myself...” and Ten heard Johnny exhale as if he’d been holding his breath.

“So this is... why you avoided me, why you were bothered about my birthday and Sue, and all,“ Johnny continued on, brushing back his hair even though his smile wasn’t leaving his face—making Ten feel more at ease, “Wow… I...“ he looked at Ten, “I can’t stop smiling hearing this.“

Ten cracked a laugh.

“What if I don’t want you to stop?” Ten smiled.

“Keep falling for me, I guess?“

Ten looked up at Johnny, giggles coming to an end even if he was still smiling.

“I am,” he said, suddenly feeling wetness in the corners of his eyes.

“Hey,“ Johnny said with a warm smile on his lips, hand reaching out to cup Ten’s cheek in his warm palm.

Ten felt the urge to close his eyes, simply enjoying the touch, but couldn’t take his eyes off Johnny. Plus, he worried tears would actually run free if he’d closed his eyes.

“Do you even know how badly I would love to capture your smile right now?“ Johnny said.

Ten laughed, one hand coming up in front of his face. _ God, the way he makes me feel _. What else could he do? Johnny emitted a kind of dazzling glow Ten didn’t know he was in need of. Perhaps Ten’s own flower had never bloomed. The cold too persistent around him, from the weather, but mostly himself. With force keeping the bud tight and closed. The world might be hurtful, but how was he to experience it if he didn’t allow himself to try? Johnny made Ten want to open up, petals turning towards the source of golden warmth. The kind which felt safe, like a home. A real one.

“Ah,” Ten said, laugh silent but the smile as broad as ever, unable to keep it locked within any longer, “I’m not much to look at right now,” Ten said, wiping at his eyes as discreetly as he could even if Johnny had already noticed it.

“You know how much I appreciate a natural look,“ Johnny said without a moment of hesitation and Ten only smiled, how come someone like Johnny was still here?

How come he’d cared to come back to Seoul to _ fix them _ when he had so much in US? Work, family, old friends? _ What makes me worthy? _

“I spent hours looking at the shots in the pool,” Johnny continued, his voice honest and kind, Ten feeling a blush spreading up his neck, “I like the contrast from Chittaphon to Ten.“

Ten thought his heart stopped, time slowing down, everything else around them disappearing. Only the two of them existed now. Ten heard his own heartbeat in his ears—it hadn’t stopped yet. He wondered if perhaps their hearts could beat in unison. Just the two of them. Nothing else. Ten didn’t know for how long he was quiet. The moment seemed to continue forever, stretching time and reality. Had anyone ever told him that before? Ten, the fashion model: wanted, desired, praised and admired. All superficial, perhaps—but who cared to stop and take a breath to look further than the facade? Taeyong might have, once. But that was before _ Ten _ , before the makeup and the fancy clothes. Back when the walls had only started to get built. _ How come he saw me when no one else did? _

“I don’t think many others do,” Ten said, swallowing, not able to take his eyes off Johnny, “Thank you,” Ten continued, “For giving _ Chittaphon _ a chance, for seeing—noticing... me.”

Johnny just shrugged. As if it was _ that _ simple. Nothing were ever that simple. But perhaps it could be? Perhaps life could get simpler, kinder, warmer. Surrounded by gentle hazel and a soft voice calling Ten’s name—his _ real _ name. Calling for _ him _.

"I am glad I am not," Johnny said, hand falling from Ten’s cheek as he added, "Don't thank me, it's really easy for me," and Johnny chuckled, eyes looking back into Ten’s, "So… uhm. I can’t promise you to make everything perfect right away. But I know that I truly want to try to—for you."

Ten’s heart missed a beat—or beat faster. He wasn’t sure.

“Kiss me,” Ten blurted, mouth running quicker than his conscious mind, eyes still fixated on Johnny’s warm hazel ones, “If you want to, you don’t have to,” Ten added quietly, feeling the need to say it.

He had to, no matter if he himself wanted it. He had to give an out to Johnny if he wanted it, provide a door—or even a pause. If Johnny wasn’t ready yet. Ten would wait. _ Please kiss me _, Ten couldn’t help but think, watching nervously as Johnny swallowed again, his hand coming back up towards Ten’s face, fingers resting against Ten’s chin. Ten closed his eyes. It felt private. The moment fragile, delicate, as if needed to be handled with utmost care. Ten couldn’t bear to ruin it again. He had to give this moment to Johnny. Allowing him room to breathe, to make his own decisions.

Ten held his breath. Then he felt it, the soft touch of lips pressing against his and Ten kissed back, the faintest pressure to make sure Johnny could feel him reciprocating and Johnny shuffled, sliding in a little closer to Ten.

Ten broke their kiss, leaning back a bit, remaining only a few inches away. Not certain he’d survive to add more distance between them. Not again. _ Please, never again _.

“I couldn’t wish for anything more perfect,” Ten said, voice hushed, eyes still closed.

"I wasn’t done yet," Johnny retorted, arm coming up to wrap around Ten’s side, pulling him back in to meet his lips again, Johnny humming against him and Ten couldn’t help but smile.

A shiver run down Ten’s spine as he felt the tip of Johnny’s tongue nudging against Ten’s still sealed lips. Ten parted his lips, allowing Johnny inside, wanting him closer, craving him as their kiss deepened, licking back. Ten reached up with one hand to trace Johnny’s jawline with his fingers, feeling the whisper of stubble against his fingertips and Ten felt blood rushing south through his body, unable to stop it. He let his hand run further down over Johnny’s neck, sliding back behind to brush against the soft hair at his nape.

When their lips parted and Johnny leaned back Ten was already craving more. He didn’t have to breathe, air seemed to come in second. He only needed Johnny. Ten opened his eyes to see Johnny beaming back at him, eyes crinkling at the corner, lips a bit more coloured from their kissing—Ten didn’t think he’d seen anyone that beautiful.

“Damn, you surely know what you are doing...” Johnny said, hand cupping Ten’s chin again, eyes flicking over Ten’s face, smile never ceasing.

It was almost odd. The feeling Johnny gave Ten. A feeling of being wanted, not only for what he seemed to be, but for who he was. With his imperfections, mistakes and complications. Johnny didn’t seem afraid. 

Ten let out a light chuckle at Johnny’s words: “I’m not so sure of that,” Ten said, trying for honesty, it came easier to him now.

Hazel eyes looked back at Ten’s before dropping lower. Ten felt the urge to lick his lips as he felt those eyes watching him. 

“You have that effect on me, I get all...” Ten traced off as he felt Johnny’s thumb brushing over his lip, resting there.

Ten took a shaky breath, steadying himself as he parted his lips slightly, breath ghosting over Johnny’s finger.

“You turn my world around,” Ten whispered, eyes on Johnny, “You’ve done it since the start. I thought I knew it all. Had control over everything—and then you waltzed in, finding new angles and perspectives that no one else cared to see in me. Changing everything. So, I’m not so certain I’m sure what I’m doing—not when it comes to you,” Ten said, never breaking his focus on Johnny as he licked his tongue out to prod against Johnny’s thumb, “I just know what I feel... that I want you,” Ten finished, voice hazy and barely audible as he gave Johnny’s thumb another tentative lick.

Ten kept his eyes on Johnny, constantly checking for Johnny’s reactions. Afraid it would be too much. Too soon. But Johnny’s eyes seemed to be unable to stop watching Ten’s tongue. His own darting out to lick over his bottom lip—and then Johnny came back, lips replacing his thumb as he pulled Ten closer to his chest.

"I want you too, Chittaphon," Johnny said, voice sounding a bit husky in between more kisses, "I want you by my side; during the day, and right now. I have been a fool to neglect this.”

Ten was quite certain he was already getting hard, hearing Johnny’s voice telling him he _ wanted _ him too ( _ Chittaphon _, he had said), along with his heart. Ten felt all warm inside as Johnny made a whisper of a promise of not only tomorrow—but perhaps for longer than that. Ten had always craved the temporary. Fluctuating statements and fugitive moments. Short-lived interactions and brief connections. It had been his world because everything else seemed impossible. Ten couldn’t know how long they would last. Him and Johnny. But perhaps it didn’t matter. Ten had him here, his tongue running against his own, body pressed close to Ten’s and maybe Ten could only be grateful for the time he would get to spend with this man beside him. Nothing lasts—maybe not, but perhaps Ten could try to hold on for as long as he could. Ten realised he didn’t want Johnny to disappear.

Ten kissed back passionately, hand coming up to rest against Johnny’s upper arm, feeling the muscle underneath but not wanting to pull too much. Allowing Johnny to set the pace.

"Please come here..." Johnny said after parting their lips, sitting down with his back against the sofa to gesture for Ten to move onto him.

Ten swallowed as he straddled Johnny, trying to calm his excitement as Johnny continued to show Ten that he _ wanted _ too. Ten steadied himself, weight pushed down onto his knees in a similar position to what they had been in all those weeks back. Yet this was so very different. It was a long time since he’d been intimate with anyone, if not counting the last time with Johnny. The last occurrence he could remember was the embarrassing one at the club where Ten hadn’t wanted to take it any further. It hadn’t felt the same anymore. Nothing had been the same since Johnny had happened upon him.

Johnny’s arms wrapped around Ten, lips coming back to kiss, tongue licking and swirling around Ten’s, teeth nibbling at his lips, breath hot against skin and Ten let his hands cup Johnny’s face, thumbs stroking along his jawline as if addicted. Perhaps he was.

"Damn," Johnny said, lips pressed together as he stopped for a moment.

Even in this position, with Ten supporting himself, his bum was still leaning slightly against Johnny’s crotch. Johnny’s arousal an unquestionable hard line in his trousers.

“You okay?” Ten asked, eyes searching Johnny’s as he tried to calm his own breathing.

Ten sat back a bit, resting his arse against Johnny’s thighs instead, hands travelling down to rest on Johnny’s shoulders.

"Yeah..." Johnny said, hazel's eyes fixed on Ten's, "I’m a little overwhelmed, since I hadn’t even hoped to have you in my arms by now. I wanted to make peace and now... you and me... I just..." Johnny shook his head, as if he couldn’t believe it himself, shaking himself back to reality—Ten wanted to kiss Johnny again, bringing him back to _ now _ (so different from last time when the very present of reality had been what Ten had tried to run away from, hide from Johnny so Ten would be able to touch him for a little longer), "If you aren’t sure what you are doing... how am I supposed to know that?" Johnny finished and Ten tried a small smile.

“We’ll take is slow?” Ten suggested, “I got you,” and Ten leaned back in, pressing a soft kiss against Johnny’s cheek.

Ten pressed another one closer to Johnny’s ear.

“If you want to... why don’t you start with taking me to bed? We don’t have to take it any further...” Ten trailed off against Johnny’s ear, ”We could just be a bit more comfortable?” Ten’s hand made small circles at Johnny’s nape.

Johnny seemed to relax, tension easing a bit from his shoulders.

"Sounds like a pretty good plan to me," Johnny said, arms coming around Ten’s waist and Ten almost yelped as Johnny stood up, lifting Ten up.

Ten instinctively wrapped his legs around Johnny’s waist, trying to keep a bit distance where Ten felt his cock trapped in his trousers, just in case—not wanting to force Johnny into anything he wasn’t ready for yet.

“Lead the way,” Johnny said, smiling.

Ten giggled as Johnny carried him, pointing their way to his bedroom—only a few feet away really. The flat only consisting of two rooms anyway. A queen size bed in the corner even if there weren’t much else in the room, except for the pretty large dresser and wardrobe. Johnny sat down on the bed, Ten still clutched around him and Ten pressed down his feet and shuffled on the mattress quickly to be able to provide some support, plus helping to let the risk of Johnny getting too close to his crotch get smaller for the time being. Not that Ten didn’t want it, but he didn’t want to rush it. It felt impossible, _ this _, in itself. Them. Together. Ten didn’t need to scare Johnny off, not now, not when Johnny was so clearly eager to explore.

"Much more comfortable indeed..." Johnny commented, nudging his nose against Ten’s and resumed kissing him as he lay them down.

Ten hummed in reply, pushing himself up on one elbow in order to better lean down over Johnny as Ten kissed him back, slowly. Ten could tell the way Johnny seemed to struggle with his hands, not sure where to put them. Ten tried not to smile, endeared by Johnny seeming so nervous. Johnny’s hands first placed on Ten’s back, but then one moved over to Ten’s arm instead. There was a sound of shuffling and Ten could feel the way Johnny fidgeted, uncertain of what was best. Hands travelling all over the place, before finally reaching up again, a slight hesitation before coming to rest on Ten’s side. Ten licked at Johnny’s lips, gently taking his bottom lip between his teeth, pulling before releasing again, soothingly licking at that same spot again. Johnny nibbled back, soothing like Ten had and then their tongues were dancing around one another again. Johnny taking Ten by surprise as he sucked his tongue into his mouth for a split second before releasing again. Ten only continued, urged on by the confidence he could feel building through Johnny’s kisses, nervousness easing with every kiss. Ten moved one hand to touch Johnny’s cheek, his jawline again, down his neck and coming to rest over his chest, feeling the constant beat under his fingers. A bit quick.

Without any warning Johnny suddenly rolled them around, Ten’s heart beating fast in turn. It was hot. The way Johnny took control over the moment, Ten landing on his back with Johnny hovering over him. Johnny broke their kiss and Ten took a shaky breath, taking a moment to try to steady himself—but it was difficult as the pressure of what was unmistakably Johnny’s clothed cock pushed in against his outer thigh. Johnny seemed to feel it too, by the way he hesitated, adjusting above him to shift his weight a bit, but instead Ten felt Johnny’s hip pushing down onto Ten’s own hardness and Ten bit down on his bottom lip, fighting the groan that wanted to escape him—yet unable to stop the sharp inhale that took its place in its stead. Ten’s eyes immediately seeked Johnny’s. _ Please be okay _. Ten swallowed, trying to pick up any clues of what was currently going through Johnny’s mind.

“We can stop,” Ten tried, his body as if frozen underneath Johnny’s, afraid to move—afraid to push more pressure against his member, “There’s no need to rush it—we got time...”

“Appreciated,” came Johnny’s reply, humming as he started placing kisses on Ten’s neck, the tip of his tongue leaving a wet trail on his skin, growing cold as he left it open to the air, breath coming out hotly—creating an addictive combination of hot and cold, “You’re not pushing me...” Johnny said as he brushed his groin against Ten’s, the hard line of his erection pushing into Ten’s own and Ten let out the groan he’d held back earlier, “I want to explore, make you feel good, learn from you,” Johnny continued, teeth nipping gently somewhere between Ten’s neck and shoulder.

“Johnny...” Ten practically moaned, bucking his hips again after having felt Johnny’s clothed cock against his own, seeking more.

It felt surreal. Feeling Johnny, hard and _ wanting _ against him. Wanting him. The way Ten wanted Johnny.

“Fuck... you want me...” Ten whispered, shocked as the realisation truly hit him, voice shaky as his hands grabbed at Johnny’s shirt, tilting his head back to grant Johnny better access to his skin.

“I do...” Johnny hummed in confirmation, lips against Ten’s ear before moving down again, assaulting Ten’s neck, showering him with kisses all the way down to his collarbone, hand sliding underneath Ten’s shirt to run over Ten’s abdomen, whilst his hips grind down against Ten and Ten moaned, at Johnny’s touch, lips hot and tongue wet against his skin, his length _ hard _ as it pushed onto his own.

Johnny’s fingers circled the skin right above Ten’s belt and Ten craved more.

“It’s okay,” Ten said, as he pushed back with his hips.

Because it was. It was more than okay. Okay if Johnny wanted to stop, if he didn’t want to take it any further; okay if he wanted to grind down against Ten again, dry humping each other until they came undone; okay if he wanted to kiss and kiss until the sun was rising again, leaving Ten’s skin purple for the following week—weeks; okay if Johnny somehow, would want to continue, go further, open up Ten’s trousers and slip his hand down his pants—if Johnny wanted to touch him; okay if Johnny instead wanted Ten to touch him, make him tip over the edge, inexplicable words leaving his lips as he would reach his climax.

“Whatever you want,” Ten moaned.

“I want you to be happy with me,” Johnny said instead and another moan slipped through Ten’s lips.

The way Johnny _ cared _ , the way it wasn’t _ only _ about chasing their highs, the way he didn’t only want Ten because of success or fame or for the sake of having got off with _ Ten _, the number, the model.

“I want to make this right and not just focus on me,” Johnny’s gentle voice continued, “You are just as important, if not even more.“

_ How will I ever deserve him? _ Ten, more important than Johnny? Never.

“It was never wrong,” Ten replied, blood thrumming in his ears, anticipation tingling under his skin as he felt Johnny‘s hand sliding out from under Ten’s shirt, fingers instead starting to work at the buttons, “Not for me,” Ten continued, taking a deep breath as Johnny’s hand touched the skin he slowly revealed, “I wanted it, all of it,” _ wanted you _ — _ being with you, _ “It was—“ _ never you who were selfish _, Ten had thought of saying but instead Ten bit down on his bottom lip as Johnny’s finger graced his nipple. 

A nail teasing it gently as Johnny let his finger circle around it and Ten’s eyes closed as he held his breath for a second, thoughts dissipating into thin air. Perhaps it didn’t matter, they’d talk it through eventually. The way they did before. But right now Ten could only focus on the way Johnny touched him, on Johnny wanting him, too—Johnny’s lips pressed against Ten’s neck again, a constant play of sucking at his skin and soothing it over and over again. Johnny’s tongue continued over his collarbones again, this time though, going lower, exploring over Ten’s chest and moving over to the nipple still untouched, tongue licking over it—before moving on to the other side. Ten hadn’t really thought about what a caring lover Johnny would be. It was logical, really, considering who Johnny was, but perhaps Ten had never dared to hold the thought in his head. The way Johnny put attention to him, to _ all _of Ten.

“Please tell me what you like, or if I should change something. I promise I’ll be a quick learner,” Johnny said before taking Ten’s nipple between his lips again, tongue running wetly over it and Ten bit down harder on his lip.

Ten was just about to reply that there was nothing he’d want Johnny to change when he felt Johnny’s hand stroking over Ten’s belly button and going lower, fingers playing with Ten’s trousers, touching where they met skin, tight around his hips. Ten let out a silent gasp.

“May I?” Johnny asked, hand moving over to rest over Ten’s belt.

“Please,” Ten said instead, voice quiet as words seemed to fail him, “Anything.”

Ten opened his eyes again, gaze back on Johnny.

“God, you’re beautiful,” Ten breathed.

Johnny looked up from where he was positioned over Ten, tongue flicking against Ten’s nipple one last time before moving up to Ten’s face again.

“No, you are,” Johnny said, kissing Ten.

Ten didn’t find it in him to give any retorts, too eager to see what Johnny wanted to do with him. Johnny’s fingers worked on his belt, opening it and then moving onto the flies, unbuttoning, pulling down his zip. Johnny sat back on his knees, lips parting as if he was to say something—or possibly in the lack of anything to say, as he undid Ten’s trousers, pushing them all the way off him and Ten helped get his feet free. When Ten was back on the bed again, only left in his pants, he groaned. Certain he couldn’t get much harder. The sight of seeing Johnny sitting back on his heels in front of Ten, lips parted as he looked at Ten. It was a lot. So hot. Ten felt his cock twitching at the sight. _ Fuck _.

"Look at you..." Johnny uttered finally, voice low as he raised the words aloud that Ten had held in his own mind, hands starting at his own shirt instead, "It wouldn't be fair to you if I keep this on."

Ten smiled, a smirk taking over as he swatted at Johnny’s hand. Sitting up a bit to try to take over the unbuttoning.

“Won’t you allow me the pleasure?” Ten asked, smirk in place.

"Mhhh… well, I’ll make a very special exception this time," Johnny joked as he let go of his buttons, instead watching on as Ten worked his shirt open all the way and Johnny shrugged it off, dropping it onto the floor behind him.

Johnny tapped at his own belt, tilting his head.

"Will you help me with that too, baby?"

_ Baby _ . Ten almost forgot to breathe. Instead Ten smirked, sitting up straighter and reaching up, one hand on the side of Johnny’s face as he placed a kiss against his neck, not being able to reach further up in this position. _ I can do that _.

“With pleasure,” Ten whispered against Johnny’s skin, staying close as he undid his belt.

Ten splayed his palms on Johnny’s chest, feeling him as he moved his hands, one coming up to run through Johnny’s hair and Ten could conclude that Johnny hadn’t used any hair product, the touch under his fingers too soft. _ Effortlessly breathtaking. _Ten let his other hand reach further down, palming Johnny through his trousers. Johnny closed his eyes, biting down on his own lip the very second Ten brushed over the hard outline of his cock, hips bucking against Ten’s palm and Ten found it difficult not to continue smiling. It felt impossible: Johnny, seeking Ten’s touch. Not imagining someone else.

“You sure?” Ten asked quietly, placing another kiss, this time on Johnny’s chest, and let his forehead rest in the crook of Johnny’s neck and shoulder.

However much Ten _ wanted _, he didn’t want to push Johnny. Didn’t want to rush it. He still remembered his own first time. Inside a bad smelling cubicle what now seemed a lifetime ago. It had been rough, rushed, and not particularly pleasurable. Yet Ten had sought it out, again and again. Chasing the temporary relief. But it could be better, Ten knew. And as he’d witnessed Taeyong and Yoonoh slowly growing closer together, fitting with each other like puzzle pieces, there was another part that had started to grow in Ten as well. A fire that couldn’t be put out with ragged exchanges at a club. Ten wanted it too. The tenderness. The way he could see how much Taeyong and Yoonoh actually cared for each other. There was something special with that, something Ten hadn’t ever really dared to try himself. But with Johnny, Ten wanted it. He didn’t want it to end after they would be done pulling each other until they were sore. Ten wanted it to last longer than that. Allow for other things to grow as well. The things that were harder to articulate. If that meant Ten had to wait, he’d wait.

An arm wrapped around Ten, Johnny's hand stroking his back so tenderly, brushing over his neck and Johnny cupped the back of Ten's head. 

"Yes. I’m sure," Johnny said, his free hand moving to Ten's chin and pushed it up so their eyes met, hazel meeting Ten’s, "I want all of you, Chittaphon. All that you are willing to give me. My eyes are open and I only see you,” Johnny smiled.

Ten dragged Johnny down with him, both arms around Johnny’s neck. When Johnny was close enough for Ten to reach his lips he licked his way inside. As they tumbled down on the bed again Ten pushed Johnny to lie on his back and Johnny chuckled lowly. Ten hooked his fingers down the waistband of Johnny’s trousers, eyes back on Johnny’s face as Ten gave a short nod in a silent question, tugging in a quiet request to take them off him. Johnny raised his arse off the bed and helped get the trousers off, remaining only in his briefs, just like Ten. Johnny nodded.

"Thank you..." Johnny stroked Ten’s upper arm, shoulder, neck, finger's playing with Ten’s hair, "Come here," Johnny said and proceeded to help Ten straddle him again, bucking his own hips against Ten’s arse, more confident this time, hand reaching out to brush over Ten’s chest, thumb teasing Ten’s right nipple and then moving lower, palm finally closing around Ten’s hardness.

Johnny moved his hand in small strokes over the fabric and Ten gasped.

“Johnny...” Johnny’s name fell from Ten’s lips again, and Ten looked down at the man underneath him. 

Ten touched wherever he could, leaning down over Johnny to return the attention Johnny had given Ten’s nipples, tongue lapping, teeth teasing before he placed soft kisses on his pebbled skin instead—and moving to the other side, his finger continuing to circle the nipple his mouth had left. Johnny’s breathing got heavier as Ten continued to work on his nipples, his hand moving to stroke over the small of Ten’s back, tenderly caressing his skin.

“All you do feels so good...” Johnny said.

Ten hummed against Johnny’s skin, satisfied as he circled his tongue in a similar movement to his finger before looking up at Johnny. Ten bucked his hips once, clothed cock dragging lightly beside Johnny’s thick bulge. Craving a little relief before sliding over to Johnny’s left side. Ten didn’t know if he was going overboard. Afraid he’d scare Johnny if he’d have to feel the constant pressure of the inevitable evidence of Ten’s sex against him too often. Perhaps it was better if Ten let Johnny seek it out instead. Though Ten kept one leg thrown over Johnny’s thigh, leaving his crotch a few inches away but still craving some contact, unable to not touch wherever he dared to. 

Ten leaned in, kissing Johnny, slowly licking inside before deepening the kiss, his hand never leaving Johnny’s right nipple. Then he slowly let his hand travel further down over Johnny’s abdomen, down, lower, until he felt the waistband of Johnny’s briefs. Ten moved to kiss down Johnny’s neck instead, tongue against his throat, before he gently sucked at the skin, his hand slithering its way under the waistband, fingers stroking at the skin a few inches away from his member before slowly, finally closing around Johnny’s stiff cock. Ten tugged experimentally, once, twice, in a firm but gentle stroke.

“Still good?” Ten whispered against Johnny’s skin, kissing down over Johnny’s collarbones.

“No,” Johnny panted, swallowing hard as Ten stroked him—and Ten worried for a split second if it really was too much, before Johnny continued, “It’s more than just good, baby,” and Ten swallowed himself, kissing Johnny’s neck again to keep occupied, hand moving quicker over Johnny’s length and Johnny moaned above him as Ten’s fingers curled around the head of his cock on his way up, making his fist tighter on his way down.

Johnny’s own hand was stroking Ten’s side, sliding to his back and going lower to palm one buttock in a firm grip.

A hand came to rest over Ten’s, grip solid as it stopped Ten’s strokes and Ten swallowed, nervousness taking over as all kinds of _ what if _ s were starting to play out in his mind’s eyes. Johnny creating more distance between them. Realising everything was Ten’s fault, blaming him for turning Johnny gay. Rationally, Ten knew it wasn’t likely. That it wasn’t who Johnny was. But doubt always made itself known even if Ten knew they were pure fabrications of his own mind. Worst case scenario and Johnny would blame himself. Once again. That was who Johnny was. Blaming himself for being the selfish one. Ten wanted to make sure Johnny didn’t feel like any of this was one sided. Ten wanted, _ god _ how he wanted. Yet Ten wanted to tread carefully, making sure he wasn’t pushing it too quickly. Ten didn’t have to worry for too long though, as Johnny moved to pull his briefs down himself, erection springing free as it bounced back up, flat against Johnny’s stomach, leaning slightly to the left. Ten left his own on, just in case. This felt like a big step. Johnny being so calm with being faced with Ten’s evident hardness anyway. Ten licked over his bottom lip, before going back in, sucking lightly against Johnny’s throat—Johnny tilling his head back, and Ten’s hand stroked over Johnny’s arm.

“Can I touch you again?” Ten asked, voice unusually low and husky even in his own ears.

Hazel eyes opened and Johnny smiled. 

"Yes, you can," Johnny said, reaching to cup Ten’s cheek, "Please. I've made my decision. There is no need to worry about anything anymore. I've chosen you to be the person I was hoping to find this year." 

_ Something meaningful _ , Johnny had said back at Lunar New Year. _ I’m that person _.

"Chittaphon—Ten—Imp—I want you to be my boyfriend and touch me as much as you like."

Ten couldn’t help but grin, face snuggling into Johnny’s chest as he felt his chest tightening as if he was ready to cry. _ Idiot _, Ten thought to himself, biting down at his own lip as he let his hand reach up, palm touching over Johnny’s heart. The constant beat reassuring underneath his touch.

“I’ll allow that, you big oaf,” Ten said teasingly, not managing to keep the giggles in.

It felt a bit like hysteria. The thin line between laughing and crying coming over him again. Ten took a deep breath before he looked up at Johnny again. More serious this time, smile never leaving his face.

“Really though... I’d like that. I’d like that very much,” Ten whispered.

Ten pressed a kiss on the other side of Johnny’s chest. “At least I’m _ your _ big oaf,” Johnny chuckled, laughter slowly dying down as Ten let his hand move further down, past Johnny’s cock to cup his balls in his hand instead.

Ten smiled in triumph at Johnny’s reaction, high on Johnny’s pleasure, squeezing lightly before sliding back to Johnny’s erection, stroking all the way from the base to the head of Johnny’s cock, thumb nudging at the slit. Ten kept his eyes on Johnny’s face.

"Mhh..." Johnny bit his bottom lip, a faint smile still in place, "Oh, I like that as well," he added before giving up to the pleasure Ten was able to provide.

Ten made sure his strokes differed slightly, keeping himself unpredictable. A turn to the right on the strokes up and then twisting to the left again, thumb pressing in under the tip of Johnny’s cock, sliding down the thick vein at the underside, coming back up to only give the head attention for a while, before sliding back all the way down again, working his way up, down, up, twisting, curling, down.

"I want to touch you as well," Johnny said, voice low and barely audible and Ten swore he shivered at the sound of his voice, his own cock twitching at Johnny’s words.

“All yours,” Ten replied, voice almost trembling, his hand still working slowly up and down Johnny’s shaft, “Take all the time you need.”

Ten didn’t have to wait long, Johnny’s hand reached down as if on cue. _ As if he’s waited for it _ . Fingers sliding under Ten’s pants, pushing them down so the waistband was resting at the base of Ten’s cock. Ten didn’t mind the slight discomfort, the pressure in itself almost an odd kind of turn on. _ Anything, I’ll take anything _ . Johnny’s hand made small strokes down Ten’s length, circling over his tip. It didn’t take long until Ten _ felt _ rather than saw Johnny adjusting the pace, clearly trying to mirror Ten’s own treatment on Johnny’s cock, sliding in unison and Ten felt Johnny panting against him, a few moans slipping past his lips. Ten felt himself grow impossibly harder.

Johnny moved to the side, shuffling closer and Ten groaned as he felt Johnny aligning their cocks close together. Johnny didn’t need to ask, Ten knew what he was asking anyway. Ten simply moved his hand to try to enfold both of their erections. Finding it difficult on his own but Johnny followed suit, hand covering where Ten’s couldn’t reach and wrapped around the two of them. They moved in sync. Ten couldn’t move his eyes away from the sight, watching on as if transfixed as their hands continued working up and down their shafts. Ten only let his eyes be drawn away as he felt Johnny’s free hand gently pushing Ten’s chin up to meet his own eyes, pulling him close.

"Kiss me more."

Ten didn’t need to be told twice, kissing Johnny deeply, and Ten pressed himself closer against Johnny. Ten didn’t know for how long they kissed, licking and biting and sucking at each other’s tongues or lips, their shared hands increasing in speed around the both of them and even though Ten tried not to overdo it his hips seemed to move involuntary every now and then, rutting against Johnny’s, seeking more friction. 

"I—ah—" Johnny uttered, it sounded as if he was getting closer, momentarily on the edge of coming, "Baby..." Johnny trailed off, stopping his own movement and Ten felt Johnny’s hand wrapping around Ten’s stiff cock instead, continuing to stroke him.

_ He’s _ that _ close? _ Ten whimpered low in his throat, incredibly turned on, but forcing both of their hands to come to a stop instead.

“You close?” Ten panted, already knowing the answer but somehow craving to hear it, possibly buying time as he tried to calm himself down a bit.

"Yes..." came the reply Ten already knew Johnny would give him.

Johnny pressed a kiss against Ten’s nose.

“It feels too nice to be over soon..." Johnny continued.

Ten hummed, leaning back in to lick at Johnny’s jawline, unable to keep himself away for too long.

“Don’t worry,” Ten said, an idea taking form in his mind.

Ten shuffled on the bed, twisting his body until he got his hand down one of the drawers instead.

“It doesn’t have to be over _ that _ soon,” Ten smirked.

He returned with a small bottle of lube in his hand, his eyes set on Johnny.

“Why don’t you just… lie and calm down for a bit?” Ten asked.

Ten crawled over, placing himself at the foot of the bed instead, keeping a bit of distance between the two of them and Ten shifted, making himself comfortable as he was facing Johnny, allowing him to get a better view.

Now that he had disentangled himself from Johnny Ten’s briefs were, possibly a bit askew but still on, the head of his cock peeking out above the waistband and Ten palmed himself through his briefs, eyes never leaving Johnny’s face. Letting a moan slip from his lips as he pushed the black pants further down his legs, finally freeing himself from the confines of fabric and with a slow movement pushed them all the way off, stripping. Ten threw the briefs down to the floor. Johnny pushed himself up on his elbows, eyes flicking over Ten, taking him in.

“You comfortable?” Ten asked calmly, breath finally coming out more stable again even though his heart was beating increasingly faster, knowing what was to come next.

Ten uncapped the bottle of lube in his hand, squeezing some out into his palm, moving his fingers a bit to warm it up.

“I am...” Johnny said, “Damn,” he continued, “That’s even an understatement,” Johnny added, eyes moving over Ten, following Ten’s movements and Ten smirked in reply.

Ten drew his legs up, arse on perfect display for Johnny, pushed up on one elbow.

“You’re really… sexy.”

Ten inhaled a bit too harshly.

“Fuck...” Ten sighed in reply, right hand wrapping around his own cock, tugging twice before releasing, moving lower, hand only stroking teasingly over his testicles down to press gently against his perineum before continuing again, further.

Ten’s eyes couldn’t leave Johnny’s face, too riled up by the very concept of doing this for someone. Ten was always all about putting up a show, but this one was private, and for someone special. For Johnny specifically. A tingling sensation crept over Ten’s skin. It was exciting, showing Johnny what Ten otherwise did in the private of his own walls. Never letting anyone else witness.

Finally Ten’s index finger circled that familiar tight ring of muscle, one digit dipping past his rim. Ten took a shaky breath as he let his finger slip deeper within him, first knuckle, second. Even though the lube made the first push relatively smooth Ten had to pause for a brief moment to get adjusted to the intrusion. Eventually he started moving his finger a bit, twisting and sliding. Working up a lazy pace before pulling out his finger again to squeeze more lube into his hand, smudging it out against his entrance as Ten went back with two fingers, scissoring them as he willed himself to relax, air leaving his lungs in breathy pants. Ten kept his eyes on Johnny, his own forgotten eagerness giving a twitch at Ten’s show, tongue coming out to lick over his lips and his cheeks turning a bit pinker. A beautiful sight. Finally Johnny’s hand moved to his erection, giving a light stroke.

"God, this is..." Johnny sat up a bit, seemingly unable to find the right words and Ten smiled, loving that _ he _ was the one who made Johnny feel that way, made him lose track of his own thoughts, "Can I try...?" Johnny asked, voice eager and Ten made his hand slow down as he tried to process Johnny’s words—he couldn’t have heard that right?

Ten had wanted to provide something easy. Something which could be enjoyable for Johnny without actually having to participate himself yet. Something that would just tease at something they might try differently, another time—not now. _ He can’t mean that _.

"I want to be the one to give you that cute face..." Johnny continued anyway and Ten groaned, fingers leaving his hole to stroke leisurely over his cock instead as he tried to make up a coherent sentence that could transcribe what he wanted to say.

“Uh—you don’t have to...” Ten managed, eyes slightly uncertain as he searched Johnny’s face, “It’s okay if you’d prefer to watch...”

Johnny just shook his head with a smile on his lips, crawling over until he was hovering over Ten again, coming down with a kiss. When they parted he said: "I’ve always been the type of guy that learned by doing, not studying." 

Ten was only able to give a small nod before Johnny reached down between Ten’s legs, giving a few firm tugs. He let go and picked up the bottle instead, coating up his fingers—Ten taking note of how Johnny squeezed out a quite generous amount, as if he was afraid it wasn’t enough. Caring. 

Johnny smiled.

"How about you calm down and rest a little, tell me if it's okay, what I can do better… please," Johnny asked, leaning in for another kiss as he positioned his hand at Ten’s entrance, "Okay?" Johnny asked clearly not going to continue without Ten’s confirmation.

“Okay,” Ten whispered back, kind of wanting to shift them both back up against the head of the bed but not caring enough, already too far gone to be arsed, “Take it slow in the beginning...”

Johnny seemed to inhale and held his breath, as if concentrating on a difficult task, nodding in reply. Johnny’s fingertip touched Ten’s rim, resting before letting half his finger slip inside. Johnny nudged his nose against Ten's again, moving his lips to Ten’s neck and placed kisses and nibbles where he could reach. Ten felt Johnny’s finger starting to work in and out, going almost painfully slow, bending a little as he prodded on. _ Can’t be far away _, Ten thought, but wanted to let Johnny continue exploring on his own.

“Ugh,” Ten groaned, his own hand reaching up to touch Johnny where he could and Johnny’s mouth sucked at Ten’s neck.

Ten willed himself to relax more.

"Like this?"

“Please, whatever you do—don’t stop... uh, you can add another,” Ten said through moans, tilting his head back for Johnny to get better access to his throat, craving every touch.

"Okay..." Johnny replied, panting himself as he licked over Ten’s skin again, removing his fingers only to come back with another.

Ten felt Johnny’s lips against his chin, jawline, neck, it only continued. Ten could lose himself to those touches. Johnny’s fingers deeper inside him, brushing against Ten’s walls on their way out, tongue running over Ten’s collarbone, down his chest and then flicking over a nipple again. Ten couldn’t help but moan, clawing at Johnny’s shoulder blade with his right hand. Johnny’s fingers worked inside him, probably spreading the way he’d seen Ten do earlier on. Ten’s cock twitched, aching to be touched again, but Ten only ground down on Johnny’s fingers and Johnny moved his hand, thrusting back.

“I can take more,” Ten panted, not sure himself if he meant the pace or the number of fingers currently working inside him.

Johnny’s fingers disappeared for a moment and Ten blinked up at him. Johnny sat back a bit, eyes fixed on Ten’s crotch, probably his arse._ Don’t stop _.

“I’ll do it then,” Johnny announced, licking his lips again as he carefully and very slowly added a third finger, pausing to allow Ten to get used to the new pressure. Ten gasped when he felt fingers curling around his cock again. Split between the two sensations, but somewhat grateful for the brief distraction. Three were always where it started to get more difficult, the stretch burning a bit but the pleasure around Ten’s member made the slight discomfort easier to forget. Yet, the very notion that it was Johnny’s fingers that breached Ten was enough to send another jolt of pleasure down his spine, blood pumping back into his cock, making it throb for _ more _. Johnny’s palm circled the head and Ten gasped.

Soon it started to get easier, Johnny’s fingers sliding more smoothly in and out and any discomfort was soon overtaken completely by hot lust as Johnny’s searching, prodding fingers curled similarly to the way Ten had felt Johnny do before. It had only been a matter of time until Johnny would find it, Ten knew as much, considering the way Johnny explored, touching and stroking Ten’s inner walls. And still, Ten wasn’t able to keep quiet as pure bliss rushed over him, Johnny’s fingers unknowingly finding his prostate.

“Oh—fuck—“ Ten gasped, toes curling as he unconsciously thrust hard into Johnny’s fist, Ten’s own hands clutching at Johnny.

Johnny stopped that very second and Ten groaned at the loss of friction against that tight bundle of nerves.

“Sorry... did I hurt you, baby? Are you okay?”

Ten breathed heavily, trying his best to collect himself and not simply pushing his arse back onto Johnny’s fingers. _ Words _.

“_ Yes _—“ Ten gasped, “I mean,” Ten swallowed, only then realising his eyes had closed and eyebrows furrowed in pleasure.

Ten opened his eyes to meet warm hazel.

“_ No _ , you didn’t hurt me— _ yes _ , I’m more than okay—Johnny...” Ten pleaded, aching to be touched again, however taking a deep breath to be able to utter coherent words, “That’s—uh—if you want to learn anything tonight please remember where you found this spot—it’s my prostate,” Ten tried to explain through the haze of desire, “And it’s _ very _nice so,” Ten said, trying to keep his voice even, “Please, don’t stop, do it again,” Ten breathed.

Johnny seemed to relax above him, exhaling.

“Okay...” he panted in reply, “Sorry I’ve stopped then,” and Johnny smiled sweetly before coming down with a kiss, fingers entering without any further warning and Ten held his breath.

Johnny bent his fingers a bit again, prodding against Ten’s walls as if in search for one thing only. His other hand resumed a gentle stroke up and down and he smiled.

“Mm, I love when you say my name...”

It didn’t take long until Johnny touched the same spot again.

“Johnny...” Ten moaned, eager for anything Johnny liked, “Make small strokes,” Ten requested, pushing his arse back to create extra pressure against Johnny’s fingers.

Johnny was a careful lover, and everything he had said earlier seemed to be true. He _ was _ a quick learner. Not missing Ten’s prostate as he gently brushed his fingertips against it again. Not the way most of the people Ten had had sex with before had done it. The ones who never had enough time to seek it out, and even if they did, only did so by accident. Never caring to try, not for Ten’s sake. But Johnny only continued, repeating his strokes. Johnny leaned down over Ten, continuing to suck at Ten’s nipple, teeth pulling at his sensitive skin, and Johnny’s fist only increased its pace as he pumped Ten’s erection.

“Will you come for me like this?” Johnny asked, lips leaving Ten’s skin.

“Uh—,” Ten groaned as he felt teeth, this time against his neck, but Johnny’s tongue was soon back, lapping soothingly over the skin he’d bit at only a moment earlier.

Could Ten come like that? He most definitely could. There was no denying it. He could probably do it in a couple of minutes if Johnny continued his persistent attention at Ten’s prostate. Still, Ten couldn’t help it when his mind continued to jump further. Showing him what _ could _ happen. Ten pushed back onto Johnny’s fingers not able to remove the thought of Johnny’s cock taking over from those fingers, the thick length of him breaching Ten instead, thrusting hard and unforgivingly into him. _ Please fuck me _ , Ten thought, moaning and only belatedly realised he’d most likely said those words aloud. He looked up at Johnny, swallowing as he saw Johnny’s face. He looked surprised, and Ten felt Johnny’s fingers stilling, movements less focused. _ Shit _. Ten should have kept quiet.

“I’m sorry, pretend I didn’t say that—I can easily come like this,” Ten thrust his cock into Johnny’s still fist as if to emphasise his statement, worried how Johnny would take those words.

“Why do you want me to pretend that...” came Johnny’s reply instead, pressing another open mouthed kiss against Ten’s neck.

Ten worried what would come next. He shouldn’t have got so greedy. Should have kept a leash on himself. It was Johnny’s first time with a man, and Ten was already asking him to shove his cock into someone’s arse? It could disgust anyone, Ten was quite certain. Ten held his breath.

“I’ll do it,” Johnny finally said, “If you.... if you want to?”

Ten exhaled, pressing himself impossibly closer to Johnny. Johnny was too good for him. Always. Accepting even when Ten was being selfish.

“I want you,” he whispered into Johnny’s ear.

Ten tilted his head and saw the bottle of lube again, hands leaving Johnny’s skin to reach for the bottle instead. Ten squeezed some into his palm.

“I couldn’t be more certain of anything—but, we can wait,” Ten placed a soft kiss against Johnny’s cheek, wanting to make sure Johnny knew _ that _ was what Ten wanted—even if his body wanted more, Ten wanted nothing but for Johnny to be comfortable, feeling heard and cared for, the way Johnny made Ten feel, “I‘m more than happy to put up a show for you,” Ten whispered against Johnny’s ear, “Anything for you.”

Ten could feel Johnny shiver. He could only hope it was in a _ good _ way.

“I don’t know for what we should wait. You want me... and I want you, Chittaphon,” Johnny said.

Ten looked up to see the other biting at his bottom lip again, feeling Johnny’s fingers pulling out of his body. Ten almost groaning at the loss.

“Maybe you start in your pace, so I won’t hurt you.”

Ten reached between them, wrapping his hand around Johnny’s cock, coating his length with the lube he’d tried to warm a bit in his palm.

“You won’t hurt me,” Ten said, tongue running down Johnny’s jawline, “I trust you.”

Ten stroked Johnny’s hardness, pressing another kiss against Johnny’s neck.

“Let us move up,” Johnny suggested, Ten silently grateful as Johnny shuffled back up against the pillows, rearranging as he sat back as if ready for Ten to straddle him.

“Is this okay or how do you... uhm, want me?”

Ten smiled, crawling up towards Johnny, pressing a quick kiss on his cheek before placing a pillow down in the area of his crotch and lay down flat on his stomach.

“I want you. Inside me. Now,” Ten drawled, a smirk on his lips as he spread his legs a bit, cheek resting on the covers as he jutting out his arse for Johnny.

Ten stared down on the covers underneath him, feeling Johnny’s hand reaching out to grope at one buttock, then the other. Ten heard the familiar sound of the lube being uncapped again, the slick noise of it being coated over what was presumably Johnny’s length. He let out a shaky breath as he felt the head nudge against his entrance, and then Johnny was pushing inside, stretching Ten open as Johnny inched himself inside. Ten felt Johnny finally settling above him, placing kisses down at his nape and moving over to his shoulder. Cock pausing at what could only be half way in—or less.

“You okay?” Johnny asked.

Ten’s hands clutched at the covers beneath him.

“Y—yes,” Ten swallowed, “More,” he said in a short demand.

The pressure of Johnny’s cock eased as he seemed to be pulling back a bit, only to come back in a slow thrust forward. Lips once again on Ten’s skin and then Johnny’s hands covered Ten’s, fingers entwining into a united fist as Ten continued to seek purchase, holding onto _ something _. Johnny came back with another gentle thrust, moving, again, and again in an agonisingly slow pace. Yet Ten knew it was probably for the best. He’s regret it tomorrow if they didn’t spend time on preparing.

"Damn... you feel amazing," Johnny said.

Ten moaned into the sheets below him. The thrusting slowly got a bit faster and Ten pushed his arse back against Johnny to meet his hips. 

“I’m glad,” Ten sighed, a smirk on his lips even if Johnny couldn’t really tell, “Don’t hold back,” Ten said, “I need—uh—“ _ I need you _, Ten had meant to say, but stopping as he moaned instead, the tip of Johnny’s cock gracing his prostate again as he thrust back in.

Johnny seemed to be egged on by Ten’s words, his next thrust with more intention, harder and Ten wasn’t able to keep quiet, passing by where he was most sensitive so deliciously. Ten groaned, trying to muffle the sound into the covers.

"Baby... I want to see your face," Johnny panted above him, pace increasing as he let go of Ten’s hands.

“It’s okay,” Ten said quietly, out of breath, trying to collect his thoughts.

It was. A sudden wave of doubt washed over Ten again. What if it would be too much? Johnny clearly seeing himself fucking into a man, a male with cock and balls? Would it still be okay? Would Johnny still want him then? 

“We can do it like this...” Ten trailed off, uncertain what more to say.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Johnny. _ Fuck _, he really did. But… perhaps Johnny needed time to get used to the idea first.

Johnny stopped behind him, pressing a kiss against Ten’s neck again.

"I appreciate your backside a lot, but no ass can beat your face, your eyes or your smile. Please turn around for me."

Ten twisted his body so he could see Johnny, a bit awkward from this angle, eyes searching hazel ones.

“You sure?” Ten blinked, feeling a bit stupid as he swallowed.

_ You make everything seem simple _.

"Yes, Let me see my boyfriend." 

_ Boyfriend _ , Johnny said. Ten swallowed again. Unable to do anything as Johnny pulled fully out of him, sitting back a bit to make space for Ten to move. Ten just got into place as if on automat, eyes never able to leave Johnny’s as he leaned back against the pillows, pushing the one he’d had under him, under his arse instead and Johnny smiled back at him. Ten wondered if below it all, Johnny was nervous too. Even so, it seemed Johnny _ wanted _ this too, and it made Ten relax against the covers, swallowing thickly as Johnny ran one hand over Ten’s chest, down over his abdomen, eyes looking down at Ten’s cock which twitched as on cue, aching to get some attention again. Johnny leaned over Ten, placing more kisses over his skin, moving over his chest, collarbone and up his neck, chin and back again, catching Ten’s lips with his, grinding his own cock down against Ten’s before positioning himself, carefully checking that it was still coated with enough lube before entering Ten and Ten gasped. Not having been aware how deeply he craved for Johnny to dive back in, already missing the feeling of Johnny filling him. Johnny kissed Ten, and Ten kissed back hungrily, tongues moving together again. Ten could feel the way Johnny shifted his hips sometimes, as if in search for the right angle. Ten’s hands touching wherever they could reach before coming up to cup Johnny’s face. Ten leaned up, whispering into Johnny’s ear: “Faster.”

Johnny answered the request with another kiss, tongue seeking Ten’s to dance around each other as Johnny increased the pace, pounding harder into Ten and Ten pushed his leg closer to his chest, food swaying off Johnny’s shoulder to provide better access, Ten’s other leg wrapping around Johnny’s waist. Ten groaned when he felt Johnny hit his prostate again on his way inside, thrusting in and gracing past it again, and again.

Johnny broke their kisses, seemingly too lost in his own pleasure to keep it up. Ten didn’t mind. Plenty occupied by the sensation of having Johnny burying himself deep inside Ten over and over again. 

"Yes..." he moaned above Ten, pressing their foreheads together. 

Johnny reached down to resume stroking Ten, pace matching with his thrusts.

“Fuck,” Ten cursed, head tilting back, hands holding onto Johnny’s upper arms for dear life.

The way Johnny’s fingers felt around his cock, the friction they provided. _ God _.

“Close?” Ten gritted out, feeling tension building again, but not wanting to come unless Johnny was close too.

"Yes" Johnny panted with a husky voice, still pounding into Ten, yet his hand around Ten’s cock wasn’t getting any sloppier, instead each stroke only seemed smoother, slicker as it made its way down to the base and then up at the head again.

“Oh—_ fuck _—“ Ten continued, unsure how many other swear words were leaving his lips, only conscious of the way he felt his balls drawing up, everything tightening as Johnny’s hands continued working over his length, the head of Johnny’s cock in turn continuing to grace Ten’s prostate on his thrusts inside.

“Johnny—I—I’m going to come,” Ten said, voice a bit high pitched as his muscles tensed, ready to release.

Johnny moved impossibly faster above him, thrusts turning possibly messier as he moved above Ten.

“Can I come in you?” Johnny panted, kissing the tip of Ten’s chin before he sucked at Ten’s already thoroughly assaulted neck, moans getting muffled into Ten’s skin.

Ten didn’t care if he’d wake up completely purple by the morning. _ Let them all know; judge; think whatever they want _ — _ who cares _ , Ten thought, moaning. They’d cover him in makeup next time he would attend a shoot anyway. _ Let them know I’m taken _.

Ten didn’t know if it was that thought or Johnny asking something so extremely intimate that made it all seem like it was about to tip over whether he wanted to or not. _ Yes _, Ten did want that. But knowing Johnny was close made it all seem even better. Sexier.

“Fuck—that’s hot,” Ten hummed, unsure if he meant the words themselves or the way Johnny moaned against his skin—perhaps it was everything, “_ Yes _,” Ten panted, unable to hold it back any longer as he finally emptied himself into Johnny’s fist, thrusting up one last time, hard.

Ten didn’t know if he made any noise, quite possibly, most likely. The power of his orgasm stronger than he’d remembered possible. Something Ten only really thought worked when having time off for himself. Knowing his own body. Never thinking it was possible to reach with someone else watching, someone else _ giving _ it to him, the way Johnny was. Ten was quite certain Johnny was still thrusting into him but it all turned into hot white ecstasy. Taking over.

As Ten came down from his high he wasn’t sure how long he’d been out. Still out of breath he looked over at Johnny.

“Damn…” Johnny said, pressing a kiss to Ten’s lips, more gentle than Ten remembered him being for the last couple of minutes.

Ten whimpered low in his throat as Johnny pulled out, hand finally letting go of Ten’s oversensitive prick.

“You have any paper roll nearby?” Johnny asked, beaming from one ear to the other and Ten couldn’t help but smile back, even if it was only faintly.

Ten cursed himself for not really witnessing Johnny’s undoing. He had liked to see it. _ God _ , the very thought almost made Ten’s cock twitch with interest again—but not really there yet. Too exhausted. Ten took a deep breath. He must have closed his eyes at one point. Missing out on Johnny’s beautiful face as he came inside him—inside Ten. _ Fuck _. They had really done it? Hadn’t they?

“Uh...” Ten stuttered, unable to find his words, “Yeah...” he continued, looking briefly towards his drawer, “Uh... I got some, in the top drawer, to the right,” he tried, cringing at his own selfishness but his limbs felt heavy, muscles feeling worn out, and a persistent ache burning at his arse no matter the amount of preparation.

“I’ll get it, relax” Johnny said with a chuckle and rolled over to look for it. 

He cleaned off his hands and Ten only belatedly realised Johnny had got Ten’s come on his hand. Glad Johnny didn’t seem put off by it.

Johnny crawled back and Ten didn’t find it in him to ask for some tissue to swipe at his arse himself. He’d have to wash the sheets later on anyway.

“Are you okay?” Johnny asked, stroking tenderly against Ten’s arm, “Boyfriend,” Johnny said, for the third time that night.

Ten pressed his lips together, unable to stop the smile that tugged at the corner of his lips. Perhaps he didn’t have to fight it. Maybe he was _ allowed _ to smile.

“I’m fine, great, brilliant, splendid, _ superb _—never better,” Ten grinned, biting at his bottom lip before asking, “And you?”

“Mhhh,” a thoughtful expression took over Johnny’s face and Ten’s heart almost skipped a beat, suddenly frightened for Johnny’s answer—but Johnny cracked a smile, “Pretty much the same—or maybe even more than you considering I am taller,” he chuckled as he pulled Ten closer—Ten appreciated the touch, “I’m so glad I came back...”

Ten smiled, only finding enough energy to swat lightly against Johnny’s arm.

Ten exhaled. Now there would be enough time for banter. Enough time for everything. Things would get better from now on, easier. 

“I still can’t believe you’d risk leaving everything there...”

“Mm, if you ask my parents or Yoonoh, you will hear that it’s not unusual for me. I’m hotheaded, and when the situation doesn’t fit my expectations I have to do something to make it work again. And it did, I guess,” Johnny kissed Ten’s cheek as the words settled within Ten.

Johnny relaxed against the pillow behind him. 

“What was on your mind when you saw me at your door?”

Ten looked over at Johnny, humming as he leaned in to press a closed mouth kiss against his shoulder.

“A lot,” Ten said honestly, “I was trying to find a way to pretend... the way I always do—,” Ten sighed, “When I think the world’s too harsh. So I distance myself. Usually looking for distractions—only, nothing’s really working as it did before, not since you came around,” Ten looked down on Johnny’s chest, one hand circling the skin there, Ten’s leg slowly coming up to curl around the leg closest to him, pressing close against Johnny, “There’s a lot of things _ I _ need to fix,” Ten’s smile turned crooked, “Thank you, for fixing _ us _.”

_ It’s a start. It’s more than enough _.

Johnny smiled, remaining silent as he wrapped an arm around Ten, snuggling in closer, pressing a kiss at Ten’s forehead. Ten didn’t know if he’d ever felt that cared for.

“I’m so glad you gave me that chance to explain myself to you,“ Johnny said eventually, hand stroking Ten’s arm, “Do you have a bathtub? I can make you a bubble bath before sleep… you don‘t mind me staying, do you?“

Ten grinned. They’d work it all out. They would be okay. 

_ Please _, Ten thought. Longing for the impossible.

“Stay for as long as you want.”

* * *

**JOHNNY**

Something felt different.**  
**

Johnny opened his eyes and stirred in a bed that was not his own.

But it still felt comfortable like his own.

Like Home. 

It occurred to Johnny then that this feeling was not dependent on a certain location. New York, Seoul, Waikiki. 

He now felt what it was that he missed. 

The smallest traces of this familiar scent was around him, even so these sheets had been fresh and there was also a scent of soap. Johnny remembered that they had decided to just take a quick shower instead of a bath before they changed the bed sheets and fell asleep. 

The thought of the many other things they did before made Johnny roll on his back, looking around and wondering where Ten was. 

He was not in the room, but the photographer could hear sounds, so he relaxed and decided to stay in the warm bed for a moment longer. 

Not that he had to worry any longer about Ten, where he went, when he will come back, if he will see him again? 

This paragraph was over and a smile was showing on the photographer’s face. 

He did not know how long he slept, surely feeling the first effects of jetlag. Was it lunchtime already? He forgot to charge his phone the night, to be occupied with other “Priorities”. They had actually left their phones on the floor, probably still with the ongoing call. Which meant that most likely Johnny’s was out of power. 

He sat up and kind of wished that he did not sleep in, rather waking up with Ten in his arms. Well, if he is not there, Johnny will go to him.  
He succeeded with this motto before and he will now. 

But before the photographer was looking for his boyfriend, he walked into the bathroom, splashed some water to his face, brushing his teeth with a spare toothbrush Ten luckily had to replace his old one soon. 

He only wore briefs overnight, too lazy to put on the shirt… too many buttons for so little patience. 

Johnny wanted to see Chittaphon – now.  
  
Luckily the apartment was not spacious to get lost and he found Ten in the living room. He was charging his cell phone and since the cable was too short, he was forced to stand rather than sit on the couch. Johnny walked behind the other who seemed occupied and hugged his boyfriend from behind, closing his arms around the slender frame and placing sweet kisses to the other’s nape. “Good morning, baby.”  
  
From the side he could see a small smile on Ten’s lips and this was doing things to Johnny. Being the reason for this smile felt nice.

Ten moved up, one hand reaching around Johnny’s neck as the other was forced to hang along with his body for the cable to still be connected to his phone.

“Good day to you too,” he could hear him saying, feeling a gentle push at his neck. It was cute that Ten was actually standing on tiptoes to kiss him back properly on the lips, and Johnny hummed when he felt a small lick on the corner of his lips before the other was leaning back down on his heels again.

  
Johnny happily kissed Ten neck again and beamed from one ear to the other.  
  


Fixed - all of the mess gone. 

  
Just him and his Chittaphon. 

  
\- _His_ -

  
“What time is it? Have I slept long?” The photographer asked, his voice still a little husky after getting up.

“Just past noon,” Ten replied, phone still in his hand but unable to look anywhere but at Johnny, hand sliding down over Johnny’s arm, down lower until his fingers nudged at the outside of his hand. It seemed it was impossible to keep his hands to himself.  
  
Cute.  
Johnny thought and enjoyed this new version of them. It was all so gentle all of a sudden, so in union. 

The chemistry had been back but it was an enhanced version.  
If this did not give him heart racing, nothing else would. This was what he deeply wished to find this year. Feeling this kind of affection, honest affection for him as a man and person. 

  
„That’s not too bad for someone who is missing a couple of hours of the day“  
Johnny added but then just enjoyed the shower of attention and touches from his boyfriend. He pressed another kiss to Ten‘s neck before letting go and allowing the other to turn around. 

This natural smile he received - it was everything, it did things to the photographer.  
It had many times before.  
Images of the photoshoot came to mind, Ten in the water, fierce eyes, his natural smile at the smallest jokes Johnny said. The best encouragement to make him smile more and more.  
And yet this smile right here held a lightless to it, it was effortless.  
And this made everything even better.  
  
„Look at you“ he cupped one cheek in his palm and just had to smile as well.  
Ten was beyond beautiful, how come he ignored this fact for so long or found excuses to appreciate him in that way?  
Did he even do that on purpose?  
Probably not, at all.  
Seeing in the model his muse and inspiration was in a way easier to accept and at that time what he thought that he was needing the most.  
He gave Ten an innocent gentle kiss and asked next „So uhm, did you have any plans today that I might have messed up with my sudden appearance?“

  
“Uh…” Ten started and was looking down at his phone still in hand, “Just texted Taeyong, saying I might find it difficult to make it today,” Ten smiled as he looked up at Johnny and the photographer heard Ten adding “You should probably get some more sleep.” 

„I slept enough, don’t want to miss more time with you“ Johnny said and kissed Ten‘s nose.   
„I don‘t know, I am quiet hungry and could eat a little something? I am craving real Korean food.“ Johnny beamed by just thinking of all of their options, and then said in a very familiar high pitched voice „Tteokbokki?“.  
It was one of the first things they ate together, so it became a special meal for the photographer. Ten mentioning his best friend also gave Johnny another idea.

„Why don’t you text Taeyong to meet with him and Jeffrey for a quick lunch? They will be surprised to bump into me too - he he he oh I can‘t wait for Yoonoh‘s face, when he sees me again.. plus at your side.“  
Johnny winked proudly, he couldn‘t wait for it honestly. How excited and thrilling it must have been for their friends back at Johnny’s birthday party.

“Really?” Ten asked, voice sounding hopeful, “Actually, the three of us had planned to go for lunch together. But I didn’t want to… leave you,” Ten smiled a bit, “If you’re sure I’ll just text them again and say I’ve changed my mind and will be coming anyway.”

Ten had a blanket wrapped around him, soft black fabric wrapping around his upper body and over his shoulders, nuzzling close to his neck. He shifted his weight to his left foot instead, and Johnny could see a small smirk taking over Ten’s face.

“You know,” the other said in a low voice “It’s… rather obvious,”  
Johnny tilted his head, a little clueless what the model meant but soon enough was to find out, when he saw his lover’s smile again and watching him dropping the blanket to the floor.

Underneath it Ten wore just a white t-shirt with black trousers, but the low cut in his neck showed off marks blooming from one side to the other. All in a light pink and red palette. Johnny gulped at the display, not expecting anything like this or could actually recall to have been doing them so thoroughly. Woups.  
He saw Ten shifting his weight again, biting at his bottom lip before releasing it, smile still in place. It was truly sexy to see that he did not mind the marks at all, rather showing them proudly.

Johnny could feel a blush on his cheeks rising, but he was not embarrassed at all, just surprised. This just happens when you are very passionate about something. It’s not like he could change it now or want to.  
He liked them. Johnny reached out to brush over one mark and bit on his bottom lip when Ten explained.

“Of course, I wasn’t really thinking I’d push _that_ into their faces—I’ll change if we’re heading out, but,” Ten searched Johnny’s face, “I’d be… happy to let them know… about us. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me… in a very long time.”

Johnny heard the other’s last words and felt so touched.  
For the first time since he had met the model, Johnny was certain that there were no words held back, that they were comfortable to speak their thoughts and feelings. 

Damn, knowing Ten’s feelings was by far the best about it. 

He took Ten’s hand and drew it to his lips. “You can really wear everything, even those marks.” He winked handsomely and then got serious as well. “I can say the very same, because for once I feel that someone appreciates me as I always wanted it.” His free hand still stroke over one exposed mark and he smiled at Ten. 

"Text them that you will come.“

Some minutes later Ten had texted Taeyong that he would be able to make it.  
As Ten and Johnny had arrived by train and were walking down the street Ten turned to Johnny, never really able to look at much else it seemed.  
Johnny noticed how the other’s eyes were always coming back to him.

Ten had changed into a white polo neck as he had promised.  
Johnny had made a remark about how risky it was to wear it, considering the food they had planned to eat—but somehow Ten insisted and it felt important to him.  
  
As they walked together like that, Johnny could feel that the air had lift.  
Perhaps spring was really, finally back?

When they looked at each other again, he saw Ten’s smile as he curiously asked,

“Do you have a plan?”  
He was striding forward in a small jump before looking back at Johnny again, “How do you want to surprise them?“ Johnny caught up with him and they synced their pace again, hearing Ten adding “No plan is a good plan too.”.

„No plan is a good plan indeed“ Johnny said without further hesitation and took Ten‘s hand again for a quick kiss before letting go of the other‘s touch - in case they could be seen by the other couple soon enough. He really just had to see his best friend’s face when they would reveal it.  
„Let‘s just wait for a good moment…“ Johnny said as they kept walking and soon arriving at the stand they agreed to meet at. From not too far, on the other side of the street Johnny recognised Taeyong and Yoonoh approaching. „There they are…“ he beamed from one ear to the other, excited like a kid in front of a window, waiting for his friend to come over and play.

Ten saw Taeyong recognising them not long after.  
The two photographers were the ones who spotted each other first.  
Taeyong eyes met Ten’s, Taeyong smiling as he shot a wave at them, stopping in the air as his eyes clearly recognised Johnny beside Ten.  
Taeyong seemed to gasp, his face expressive as he took down his hand to cover his mouth gaping instead. He looked as if he said something to Yoonoh and Johnny noticed next to him that Ten raised his hand to wave back, a quick gesture.  
  
They were both waiting for what was to come.

Johnny saw the surprised couple approaching, Yoonoh looked concerned at first but soon enough smiled brightly, actually increasing the pace when he saw Johnny‘s beam.  
„What on Earth are you doing here, Johnny Suh“ The business man said but opened his arms to hug his best friend and brother.  
„Man, I missed you“ Johnny responded before then turning to give Taeyong a warm hug as well. „and I missed real Korean food... so I got me a ticket to have lunch with you three“ Johnny lied and Yoonoh looked at him sharply.  
„Don‘t ever let that hear your sweet mom, you oaf!“

“Good thing your appetite for Korean food is that good, we could do with your company,” Taeyong said in greeting, laughing at having been taken by surprise “We’re glad to have you back,” Taeyong said and Johnny could see Ten’s sincere smile at that.

„It’s good to be back honestly. New York was great, my job worked out well enough, but yeah… my home is here…“ hazel eyes moved to Ten and he wondered when they would say it.  
Now?  
After the food?  
Why was it suddenly so hard to not wipe it into their faces.  
He could see how Ten licked his bottom lip and they exchanged a long glance, that surely made the two others a little suspicious.

“I’m glad to have you back too,” they heard Ten saying, eyes still not leaving Johnny and he saw the other reaching out towards him, clear for everyone to see and a direct message for Johnny.

Please take my hand.

Johnny felt a tickling in his belly as Ten's gesture said those words and then offered his hand to him. He immediately took it in his and drew the model closer to his body, one arm wrapping around the other’s shoulder to make a clear statement without words, the smile never leaving his face.  
  
This man belongs to me now. 

Yoonoh rose an eyebrow, dimples showing at a smile was visible on his lips as well. "Have we been so occupied with ourselves to not have seen this coming?”  
He asked this with a short gaze over to Taeyong.  
“Well, I mean.. I did feel like your "inspiration” for Ten was a little special from the start, but damn.. I… how? … When? “

There were so many questions apparently and Johnny just chuckled. 

"It took me long to realise what it was that drew me to him”  
He kissed Ten’s forehead that made Ten close his eyes for a moment and letting his head rest on Johnny’s shoulder, carrying the warmest smile for their friends.   
“Now I know”

“It’s been a lot, for all of us,” Johnny heard Ten adding, “It’ll only get better from now on—for instance, _tteokbokki_!”  
  
And that was true. If Johnny compared now how he felt in comparison to a year ago - everything got better.  
He knew he belonged to Seoul, Yoonoh finally spoke up for himself and no longer wanted to lie about his feelings and interests, Taeyong and him looked like a dream couple. And here Johnny held Ten closer than anybody else could.  
Johnny tilted his head and pointed at his lover  
“He is always right, I gave up trying to win against him” and then shrugged playfully.  
He felt how Ten was breaking free from him, a smile on his face as he took Johnny’s hand who immediately stepped forward to get with his boyfriend into the queue over the street to order their food.

After they finished eating, the four decided to have a little walk in the park. The first spring breezes were noticeable, flowers flourishing - birds chirping. 

Peace. 

Johnny thought, seeing Yoonoh and Taeyong hand in hand walking a little further ahead of them. 

Ten and him eventually got a bit slower, fingers entwined and eyes constantly looking over to each other. 

“I am so happy.” He said randomly because he felt like saying it and squeezed Ten’s hand.

“I am too,” Ten replied, without a moment of hesitation, “I think I really am this time.”

Ten squeezed back.

“I am glad” Johnny replied - the two just silently following their friends for a moment when Johnny said “Even when I missed all of this, it was also good to see my parents and old friends again. I should see them more often.” He looked thoughtfully “and at a time where you feel cool with it, I’d just love to take you with me, visiting them.”  
Just when he said that he felt like perhaps he was taking things too fast. He always had been about friendship and family and this request came naturally at this point. Yet, it was not something everyone would easily share and Johnny got a little cautious to not upset his boyfriend with too clingy behaviour  
“But we have all the time in the world, I don’t want to pressure you.”

But he relaxed once he felt Ten stroking his finger over the back of his hand where he held it in his and heard him saying, “I’d like that, a lot,” his shoulder were sometimes brushing against Johnny’s arm, “I’m glad to hear you had a good time,” Ten smiled up, walking up to the photographer on tiptoes to place a peck against his cheek before going down again, continuing walking slowly. How was Johnny able to handle this? It was so cute, Ten was tiptoeing to reach his cheek. He. was. Tiptoeing.  
  
God. 

“My family will love you. They are chill and open minded.” Johnny immediately said to keep the conversation up and not making any jokes about their height difference, even so it was tempting.  
“You’re very fortunate,” he heard his boyfriend saying and Johnny got more serious. As he mentioned his tolerant and supportive family, his hazel eyes were looking at Yoonoh right away and his expression switched into concern.  
“How is he truly holding up?”

Ten was pausing a bit before replying, “It’s been difficult. I think… more so than he wants to admit. I’d say it’s getting better. He’s not alone very often,” Johnny felt Ten again squeezed his hand, “He’s been well looked after. We had a good time too. It’s been needed.”

Johnny smiled at that, it was to be expected and as a shower of gratitude hit him, he wrapped his arm around Ten and kissed the other’s temple gently.  
“Thank you for being part of the family he needs right now and giving him a chance. Everyone deserves it. Especially Jung Yoon Oh.”

Ten was quiet for a short moment, an arm wrapping around Johnny’s back and they proceed walking, while Ten said. 

“It’s all thanks to you, you know. I wouldn’t have been here otherwise,” 

“What do you mean?” Johnny said with concern in his eyes as he glanced over to Ten once again.

“Where are you planning to go somewhere? Family?”

Just then he happened to realise that Ten never had spoken about his family - at all. Crap. Had he poked in a nest of bees?

Ten visibly froze up, the sudden mention of his family was probably an unusual topic. Great Johnny. Just great. 

“I just meant…” Ten started with uncertain eyes locked to the path ahead of them and Johnny chew on his inner cheeks. The photographer sensed that it had been insensitive. 

“It’s thanks to you that I am a part of this family,” Ten then smiled towards the ground before continuing, “If you hadn’t been so persistent of knowing why I kept away I probably would have remained doing so. I wouldn’t be part… of _this_.”

Johnny could see Ten swallowing. Damn this was not how he wanted things to go really. But he was not able to say anything as Ten continued.

“I hadn’t planned to go see my family… in truth, I haven’t in years, really,”  
He saw those fierce eyes focusing on Taeyong and Yoonoh,  
“Not that it’s that easy anyway…” a short chuckled escaped his boyfriend.

“I don’t know if you’ve gathered that already, but most of them are in Thailand. I know it’s not as far away as the US… but I guess it’s been far enough for me.”

Johnny had stopped walking again, not caring about increasing the distance to the other couple, as he looked into Ten’s eyes and had to quote something very similar to what Ten said to him about his work some time ago. 

“You got yourself this chance, Chittaphon. I’m just a stubborn type of person who hates misunderstandings. But I am not the one who got you here. You did—you got yourself into this family, because you gave us all a chance. And I am sorry I asked so bluntly about your family. Always figured that you probably faced tough times to be so alerted to kindness as well as introverted about your real thoughts and feelings at times." 

He said honestly but smiled warmly at his boyfriend, cupping his cheek in his palm to stroke over it with his thumb. 

"To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it, sometimes.” Johnny quoted again something he felt fitting. 

He could only assume that they might not be supportive of Ten’s personality, thoughts, ways of living. Whatever it was, the photographer felt triggered to keep all of this negativity away from Ten for the time being. 

“If you do not feel ready to see them, then don’t. Just know that I am with you now, you do not face them alone and by all means you know my protective side that will speak up, when necessary.”

He could see how Ten was briefly closing his eyes leaning against Johnny’s palm with his face, before opening them again to smile at the photographer. 

“I know, I know you’ll be by my side—and I’ll be by yours,”  
Ten raised his hands to cover Johnny’s too and he saw the model swallowing again, biting at his bottom lip before starting again.

“I don’t know when I’m ready to see them. I don’t even know what they do anymore…” 

Ten’s smile turned crooked, eyes travelling down into the ground, “I have a sister. In Thailand,”  
He could see how Ten pressed his lips together, breathing in, “I miss her… I’ve missed her a lot. I think I’d like to talk to her again… I would want to tell her about you.”

Johnny smiled at that, relieved to hear these words. Ten had changed a lot, he just realised and felt proud and happy for him. He had separated himself from so many things he held close to his heart, slowly allowing them in again one by one it seemed. The photographer leaned forward to kiss Ten.  
“Then start with her, but when you are ready to. I would love to meet her and at one point the rest of the family. But one thing at a time.” He let go of Ten’s cheek and took the hand as they continued walking again.  
“What is her name?”

Ten was smiling weakly as Johnny leaned back.

“I call her Tern.”

“Tern… Ten… my my..” Johnny chuckled and squeezed the other’s hand gently. 

“I am positive that things will turn out okay. Just have a little faith and know that you can only win at this point." 

Johnny tried to encourage his boyfriend, they got quiet for a moment when they passed the spot where the photographer had laid his eyes on the model for the very first time. There he was standing, looking in Taeyong’s camera, sunshine highlighting his face. It was not even a year ago… but Johnny still remembered in every detail how he approached them, what he said, and how good the photoshoot turned out to be.  
Hazel eyes glancing over to Yoonoh and Taeyong.  
  
Ten then parted his lips to say ”I was meaning to say, but there was never really a good time to say it… we’re soon at the end of rehearsals. Me, Sicheng and Yangyang are dancing to Kun’s composition in three weeks. Choreographed by us alone. And this time, your presence would be more than welcome. I’m done running,” Hazel eyes looked over to meet fierce ones,

“Please come.”  
  
Thud. Thud. Thud.  
God. This question came out of the blue, the impact strong. He looked at Ten with surprise but nothing less than enthusiasm. “I…. remember this had been a topic at the birthday party. Wow, you’ve all been just as busy.”  
He nodded next to give Ten an answer.  
“Of course I will come. I would die to see the art you can create again - again and again. To be honest, seeing you create such beauty and message with your dance moves was the most inspiring thing my eyes saw in years. I just loved every second of the performance of you and Sicheng. And I am dying to witness it again. “  
He sighed and really felt the excitement, touched even.  
“Thank you for asking me. It.. means more than you might think.”  
  


Ten seemed to be relieved about that as he smiled and looked toward the spot that Johnny had noticed before.  
Here where they had met for the first time.

  
After a brief moment with no one saying anything, he felt a little tug and turned to look at Ten as he moved closer and rested his chin on Johnny’s shoulder. He welcomed the embrace and hugged Ten back, hearing him saying in a very low voice. 

“Even if art block gets to you again, because unfortunately it usually does every now and then. Remember what you’re capable of, and that it’ll pass. It always does get better—easier again.”

Johnny chuckled lowly. 

“You know that it always got easier when you were around? It’s funny… but during the time we had our ups and downs, it was in sync with my inspirational struggles.  
I figured out that you had that effect on me, you were that spark to lit up the fire I needed. Like a muse..my source for inspiration.”

He pulled back and saw Ten’s pleased expression, head moving away from Johnny’s shoulder as his eyes looked down on the ground. 

“No, Johnny. You don’t need me to be able to make art, but it would be my honour to stand by your side and watch you create. This time I’m not going anywhere. This time, I know I’m exactly where I want to be,” Ten reached for Johnny’s hand again and he accepted it, actually drawing Ten’s hand to his lips and kissed it again - a new habit of his?  
He just loved Ten’s hands a lot and this way he could also show his affection and appreciation all at once.  
“Thank you. I am pretty sure that with your help I will find my fire again.”

A smile was showing before Ten was parting his lips, replying: “Your fire is stronger, fiercer than most. I know because you’ve kept showing me, time and time again,” Ten took a step closer to Johnny, “But you don’t need to search for it. It’s always been there,” his other hand coming up to rest over Johnny’s chest, right over his heart, eyes looking into Johnny’s hazel ones, 

“In here.”  
  
And the spark returned once again. The fire lighting up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To our dear readers,  
the main story is over and it had turned out to be unlike anything we expected when starting their story.  
It has been a pure joy to write and accompany all the up and downs of the characters of this story.  
I hope you enjoyed it as well.  
We are always happy to hear your opinions, so feel free to leave a comment or kudos. <3  
  
  
Thank you for reading.  
Note that we are working on an epilogue for this AU. So stay tuned.  
And a Happy Lunar New Year!  
Caledra & Dracospungen


	7. Epilogue: Your Fire is My Fire

**EPILOGUE: ** _Your Fire is My Fire_

* * *

**TEN**

The season changed, they always did, eventually. The days continued on lighter, shining brighter than before. Perhaps even the most complicated knots could be untied, solved and made into a consistent line of thread instead, into something that made it possible to see where one was heading.

Things were turning out quite well. Better than Ten could ever have wished for. Before Ten had been afraid of the permanent, the things that were so good you never wanted to let go. He had been scared of the risk of everything disappearing before his eyes, slipping through his very fingers. Johnny was solid in a way Ten had never been. True to his words, not hiding himself behind a facade the way Ten had done for so long. It had been difficult, placing his trust—his very heart into someone else’s hands. But if Ten could trust someone, if there was anyone gentle and caring enough; Ten knew that would be Johnny. That was exactly the reason he had left in the first place. Afraid of getting too comfortable, too dependant, always wishing for more. But now he didn’t have to wish for more, instead Johnny always came back. A constant that Ten didn’t want to be without.

It was alright—good even, days passing and they threaded on carefully to set their own pace. Johnny settled down in Seoul again, meeting up whenever and wherever they could. In many ways things went back to the way they were before Johnny left for America. It didn’t take long until it was easy, _ simple_, natural. Ten stayed late at Johnny’s flat, later than usual, and sometimes Johnny came to Ten’s place. Watching stupid rom coms and other nonsensical rubbish which still made Ten laugh at the cheesy parts and sometimes it didn’t feel as pointless as it once did. Perhaps this could last for longer than a second—and maybe Ten wanted it to.

“Look,” Taeyong said and Ten was brought back to reality, a polaroid picture of the two of them between Taeyong’s elegant fingers and the picture-them were smiling, making peace signs with fringes too long, almost hiding their eyes where they crinkled at the corners, “Remember that?”

“Yeah,” Ten said, even though he couldn’t really.

The moment was from a few years ago, back when his model career had just started. Back when Ten smiled because that was the only thing he knew, any other feeling put on the furthest place on his shelf. Kept in secret as it collected dust. Ten had thought he knew what he wanted in life back then. Success, fame and money. All of the superficial things that had simultaneously intrigued and disgusted him. Ten had wanted that, keeping a facade, working on a polished surface beautiful and perfect on the outside. _ There’s more to it than that_, Ten thought. He knew that now. Perhaps he was smiling in the picture with Taeyong, perhaps he did have fun back then, but he was also denying himself so much more. Even if it could hurt, there was so much more to give, receive, experience. So much more he never let himself do. Out of what? Fear? He really hadn’t known anything back then. So no, maybe Ten couldn’t remember that particular moment. But he did remember the way he’d been, and he knew he could be better than that. _ I tried my best_, Ten thought, _ but I’m doing better now_.

“Weird how things ended, isn’t it?” Taeyong asked, his brown doe eyes glancing back at Ten before moving back to the picture.

“Not really,” Ten said, because it didn’t feel that absurd anymore.

Had he been asked only a year ago he’d agree with Taeyong, but it wasn’t like that anymore. So much had happened. Johnny Suh had happened.

“It’ll be the same, even if I’m moving out, won’t it?”

Ten smiled in reply. It might not be exactly the same as it had been before, but perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing. Ten had never liked the permanent anyway, a promise of a change was something he’d always longed for. But still, Taeyong had been an exception to that rule. The person Ten had allowed back into his life again and again.

It was only some weeks back when Yoonoh had asked Taeyong to move in with him, move away from his flatmates in the cramped student flat Taeyong shared with Kun and Mark. It would be good for them, but a change nevertheless. Taeyong wasn’t leaving, and this time Ten was done pushing people away. Not that he was sure he would ever be able to, not when it came to Taeyong—just like he hadn’t been able to keep Johnny at a distance either.

“There might be a slight change, but that’s okay.”

Taeyong looked at him for a moment.

“I guess you’re right,” he said.

Ten looked back at the picture.

“We’re happier than we were back then,” Ten said.

“You were bullied.”

“You got hurt.”

“Hm…” Taeyong hummed, placing the polaroid into another box of things he was going to keep, things he was to move to Yoonoh’s home—_ their _ home, “You’re right.”

“I often am,” Ten smiled, because he knew that was far from true—but he was learning.

They had spent all of this morning just packing and putting everything in boxes. Taeyong had wanted to take the opportunity to throw things away too, sort out which were to be kept, and what he could live without. It had proved a bit more difficult than he had thought, Ten could tell by the way Taeyong lingered on some small insignificant objects. Clearly kept only due to its sentimental value.

It had come as a slight surprise when Taeyong had announced it, his moving in with Yoonoh. For some reason Ten had always thought they would get something new if ever that would happen. From what he gathered they hadn’t spent that much time at Yoonoh’s flat before, but maybe that was exactly the reason they wanted to move there. Fill it up with new things, share a space and make it their own.

"Hey..." came Yoonoh’s voice from above them.

They had decided beforehand that Yoonoh was to come with a car and help Taeyong move everything. Doyoung had helped out too, lending out a van belonging to the coffee shop—it really was a collective things now: Taeyong and Yoonoh moving in together, so it was only natural Ten and Johnny was to help out too—if it was because the two actually needed their help or if it was just an excuse to spend time together, Ten didn’t know. Possibly to be some kind of moral support, but Ten highly doubted Taeyong needed it. They both seemed happy, Taeyong happier than Ten had ever remembered seeing him. Ten was glad he could be part of this.

Yoonoh walked over to them, bending down over Taeyong and placed a kiss on the other’s head. Taeyong looked up at his boyfriend, a smile taking over and making him shine a little brighter. Ten couldn’t help but smile too.

“Hi, love,” Taeyong replied, getting up on his feet, placing a quick kiss against his cheek.

“Hello,” Ten said glancing up from where he was still squatted down on the floor.

He didn’t know if the two were giving him any attention at all but it didn’t really matter anyway. Ten put down the other small stack of photos Taeyong had picked out earlier on carefully into the box.

“We’re just finishing up, there was a bit more than I’d expected,” Taeyong said, and Ten could see his hands fidgeting a bit, “Should be done in a few.”

Yoonoh turned to greet Ten and then took a look around. 

“No stress...” Yoonoh said calmly, “I’ll bring the first boxes down to the van and you can finish the rest in your time… I’ll leave the door open since Johnny texted me that he’s on his way.”

Yoonoh picked up a box—one of the heavier ones, Ten noted; the one containing quite a few books, and then walked outside, leaving them alone again.

“I don’t think I’ll miss this,” Taeyong said, and Ten was surprised to hear he really did sound sincere, “I don’t mean that I won’t miss Kun and Mark—but I’ll still see them; just that… I feel like I’m finally where I was supposed to be?”

Ten smiled, reaching for Taeyong’s hand and squeezed it. Taeyong’s skin felt a bit rough, dry. Ten didn’t know if it was because of his eczema or due to having washed his hands a couple times too often.

“I think I feel the same way. I didn’t think I’d ever find anything—or anyone, I was willing to stay with.”

“It’s a good thing,” Taeyong said and Ten nodded, “We’re in charge of creating our own happiness.”

They kept on working with the boxes and Ten sealed the last ones up, picking up the box he just finished and walked out to wait for the lift. When the door opened a familiar voice called out, it’s soft melodic tone bouncing off the walls in the hallway, accompanied by a face consisting of 90% smile.

“Well hello there, handsome. Have you ordered something strong and cool?” Johnny wiggled his eyebrows, finger pointing towards the cups of coffee on a cardboard cup holder in his other hand.

“Guess you read my mind,” Ten said, the box being uncomfortably in his way as he struggled to lean forward, down towards the coffees in Johnny’s hand as he caught onto one straw, taking a sip.

Ten leaned back.

“_ That _was cool,” he commented, a small smirk taking over, “Not so sure about its strength though. Do you have something stronger?” Ten raised one eyebrow expectantly.

Yoonoh, who was standing beside them just took one of the cups (probably one meant for Taeyong) on his out of the lift, leaving them. Johnny smiled. He placed down the cup holder on top of the box in Ten’s arms, his free hands pushed down to check his pockets.

“Hm, hm, hm... wait... I thought I... oh, yes!” Johnny then walked behind Ten.

Ten just glanced at him, before he was suddenly picked up, box and tray and whatnot—off the ground and into Johnny’s solid arms and Ten yelped. Johnny just walked back into the lift again, carefully placing Ten down onto the floor and leaned down, stealing a kiss when the doors closed behind them.

“Strong enough?”

Ten couldn’t wipe his smile away.

"Perhaps too strong for its own good," Ten shook his head once, pretending to scold Johnny, "You better be careful," he pouted.

“Or what?” Johnny beamed

Ten leaned in close, breathing against Johnny's ear.

"Careful," he added a second time, "Or I'll make you weak."

“Oh.” Johnny said and grimaced a little, “It’s _ tempting _ and I can see the appeal, but it’s not recommended,” Johnny said with a shrug, “I wouldn’t be of much use here in that case.” 

The lift arrived at the ground floor and Johnny grabbed the box from Ten. 

“Allow me to be strong now—and weak later.”

Ten was still smiling.

"Anything for you," he simply replied, just pressing the button in the lift, doors closing to go get another box.

“Lucky me,” Ten heard Johnny reply before the doors had closed completely.

_ I’m the one who’s lucky_, Ten thought, his heart warm.

They finished up rather quickly, all the boxes were already sealed and they only needed to bring everything down. Everything was in place and Ten had walked around the van to get inside when he saw Yoonoh freezing up, his eyes on his phone. Even though it was clearly set on silent mode it was obvious something was bothering him—made even more evident as Yoonoh walked away, putting distance between them and him. Ten glanced at Taeyong on the other side of the van who was now following after Yoonoh, a hand reaching out towards the other’s wrist, concern written on his face and Ten held his breath.

There wasn’t much they could do, but stand about and wait it out. Even though no one knew who was the caller, Ten expected they were all thinking the same thing. When the call was over Yoonoh pulled Taeyong into his arms and Ten leaned back against the van. They fitted into one another perfectly, beautifully. _ That’s where he’s supposed to be_, Ten thought. He hoped they would be alright. Ten looked down at the ground for a bit, gaze fixing on a weed that was forcing itself up between the crack of cement and paving stones.

“Hey,” Johnny said and Ten looked up, watching as Yoonoh and Taeyong were approaching them, “Want us to drive the van, you two can drive with the other car?” 

Ten looked at the car parked beside them, the one Yoonoh had arrived with—the van having been placed outside Taeyong’s flat the day before. 

Yoonoh shook his head, hand coming up to brush his hair back and Ten was reminded of Johnny’s own nervous behaviour.

“My dad wants to see me...” Yoonoh explained, and sighed.

Ten swallowed, eyes flicking to Taeyong for a brief moment before focusing back on Yoonoh.

“What will you do?” Ten asked.

“He didn’t explain things, so it’s not easy to tell what he wants. That he called first is actually... a big surprise to me. It’s either serious or... I don’t know,” Yoonoh sighed again, lips pressed together. 

Once inside the van Johnny patted Yoonoh’s shoulder. 

“It will be okay, no matter the outcome. It might be different, but it is never wrong to stand up for yourself—even when it hurts others' pride. They hurt you as well with refusing to accept you for who you are. And pride is by far not as important as identity. This is not about them,” Johnny said and Yoonoh nodded.

“I won’t change my mind, this is the life I want to live. Now it’s just on them if they fit in or not.” 

The businessman reached out to place his hand on Taeyong. Ten leaned back in his seat, watching on as Taeyong took Yoonoh’s hand in his, both hands coming up to take the hand as had it been a small delicate animal, fingers stroking over the back of it.

“That’s the spirit,” Ten said, wishing he could say more, a few seconds passed before Ten continued, “You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s your choice; what you want to do. Don’t let them dictate your decisions. Only go see them if you want to.”

Yoonoh nodded, a faint smile on his lips.

The drive to Yoonoh’s—and Taeyong’s home was quiet, but not too uncomfortable. They were all there for each other. Ten had been stupid not to realise how much there was to give and receive when allowing more people in. Once outside they all started to carry the boxes, through the doors and into their now shared house.

When Yoonoh and Taeyong disappeared in a room with some boxes, Johnny turned to Ten. "Let's… mobilise the others to come by with food and drinks—I feel like they need the distraction."

Ten smiled.

“Sounds perfect,” he replied, “I’ll text them?”

"Do it." Johnny nodded.

When every box was inside and the important things unpacked and placed into their shared space the four of them sat down on the spacious sofa.

"Thank you for the help," Yoonoh said and turned to Ten and Johnny with a small smile. 

"Anything for your two..." Johnny smiled back.

It didn’t take too long until Ten received a text, telling him to go open the door. So Ten just went up, without saying a word and instead let Yuta yell loudly into the room as he entered; followed up by Doyoung and Mark who were both carrying a few bags each, both with the symbol of Doyoung’s coffee shop.

Ten was relieved as he saw Yoonoh’s expression soften a bit. They didn’t know what would come, but they would face it together. No one was alone anymore.

***

The decision had been made days ago. Weeks ago really. But Ten had continued to postpone it, finding reasons to push it forwards, into the future, a time and place he didn’t have any control over. It was easier to simply say “I’ll do it later”. Until _ later _ came and became _ present_, the current, _ now_.

Ten walked up and down his narrow hallway, through his sitting room and around his sofa for possibly the twentieth time. He had asked Johnny over, not for anything particular, just for a nice time. Watching a film—whatever. Something nice, that could pass the time and provide a nice distraction from the inevitable that was still persistently taunting Ten at the back of his mind. He had considered doing it alone. It couldn’t be that difficult. It was just a call, after all. One innocent call. Just a few numbers and a press away. Did it really have to be this hard?

The doorbell rang and Ten hurried towards the door, grateful to get an end to his otherwise seemingly endless pacing back and forth (and through his flat until he would walk up a trail on the floorboards). Ten opened the door, unable to stop the smile that pushed through as he laid his eyes on Johnny, who was already beaming from one ear to the other.

"Hm, you're a very good looking young man—to what do I owe the pleasure?" Ten smiled fondly as he leaned his arm against the doorframe.

“This is serious business,” Johnny replied, playing along, “People on the streets happened to mistake me as the hot snack, not the tteokbokki in my bag. I might get stolen… please help.”

"I can sure try, will be happy to oblige," Ten smirked, eyeing the bag in Johnny’s hand as he opened up the door wider with a single finger, turning it in a seductive move, "Better come in quickly then, so no one sees where you went!"

"Ah I knew it was a good choice to come right here," Johnny said, stepping in through the door, "Now I wonder how I can repay you properly for offering me shelter?"

Ten moved inside, closing the door quickly behind himself, locking. Ten leaned back against the door, eyes focusing back on Johnny. 

"I can think of a handful of things..." Ten started lazily.

"A handful, huh?" came the cheeky reply.

Ten watched on as Johnny placed the food on the coffee table before walking over to Ten, his arm coming up to lean against the door beside Ten. It didn’t matter how often Johnny had started to initiate acts like these, small moments, it was always as exhilarating, Ten’s heart beating fast. Johnny leaned down, lips meeting his. Ten kissed back, basking in the moment before Johnny leaned back again.

"I've missed you today."

Ten went up on his tiptoes to press another kiss at the corner of Johnny’s lips.

"I always miss you when you're not with me," Ten whispered against Johnny’s skin, swallowing before leaning back a bit.

Ten wouldn’t have minded taking things further, rather he much longed for Johnny’s touch—to touch in return. But it wasn’t the time, if not now—Ten didn’t know when he would be able to place that call. It had to be today, or he would risk changing his mind. Ten cleared his throat. 

"Should probably eat that tteokbokki whilst it's still hot?" Ten smiled.

Johnny returned it.

"Same," he responded and placed a kiss on Ten's forehead.

"Fair. I definitely stay hot for much longer."

Ten smacked his palm against Johnny's arse as he passed him, walking quickly into the kitchen to hide the smile that took over once again, immediately getting to work to set everything up at the small table in front of the sofa so they could eat and watch at the same time.

Dinner was finished quite quickly and Johnny was kind enough to clear everything away, returning with some water and sat down beside Ten. Ten hadn’t really been paying the screen much attention, unable to keep track of the plot for longer than one minute at a time. It was starting to get difficult to even set his finger on the theme of it: was it a tragedy, or a comedy? Who was the main character? Probably the girl in the straight cut, he’d seen her before a few times—or no, wait, it had to be the lad with clothes always one or two sizes too big—or was he the brother? Ten released a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been keeping in when he felt Johnny’s arm wrapping around his shoulder, gently pulling him closer. Ten cuddled up to Johnny, getting more comfortable even as his own heartbeat was getting quicker and quicker—and not due the usual reason when it came to Johnny. Ten swallowed, letting his head rest against Johnny's shoulder for a bit. It was nice, the way Johnny hadn’t asked any questions, not prompting Ten to explain why he was so easily distracted tonight. Ten knew Johnny knew there was something else going on. The photographer had always been good at it, sensing when something wasn’t as it usually was. Yet he was always kind, careful. Johnny’s hand stroked Ten’s temple, fingers playing with the short hair there for a moment, before finally asking the question: "Are you okay, baby?"

Ten let out a sigh. It felt better, having the question out there, the tension easing a bit.

"Yeah," Ten swallowed again anyway, "Mm..." he continued, unsure how to put it, "I... well... you know I mentioned before... that I might... want to get in touch with... or well—maybe just talk to—once..." Ten took another deep breath, eyes focusing on his hands as he tried to clean the nails from any dirt—not that he could see any, but just in case.

Johnny’s hand travelled down to stroke over Ten’s arm.

“I remember,” he said and kissed the Ten’s head, “You feel ready for it now? Do you prefer me to be around as moral support or rather do it alone?”

It was such a relief, that somehow Johnny knew exactly what Ten was talking about—or rather _ who _ without Ten having to say it. 

Ten bit his bottom lip, leaning back a bit so he could look at Johnny properly.

“I mean...” Ten started again, “I’d like you to... wait, until the call is over? Will you stay for that? If you could... wait for me in my bedroom?” Ten licked his lips, looking down at his hands again, “I completely understand if it’s weird to stay. Of course, you're free to go—we can meet again another day—I could call you afterwards, tell you—if you want to be updated about it, I don’t know, do you? Perhaps I could just tell you face to face next time—that works too—”

Johnny simply chuckled, cutting Ten off.

“Hey, hey, hey—will you relax for a second?“ he sat up and poked Ten‘s nose, “Of course, I will stay and wait for you. I promised you to be here when you would make the call, remember?“ his smile was warm and calm as he cupped the back of Ten‘s head in his palm and pressed their foreheads together, every touch by Johnny was kind and warmer than Ten knew was possible, “Everything will be okay. You can only win at this point, okay?“ 

Johnny then got up and walked over to the bedroom door, looking back at Ten.

“Fighting.“

Ten smiled nervously, making a fist and thrust it into the air nevertheless.

“Fighting!”

Ten swallowed as he turned to his phone. The click of the door shutting closed echoed after Johnny.

Tern. How many years had passed since he had last heard her voice? The numbers he had saved stared cruelly back at him. Jet black letters against the white background in his phone’s notes. He had checked the number multiple times the last couple of days, a glance before falling asleep. He knew them by heart now, something he had never learned before moving away from her.

Ten took a deep breath, walking over to the sofa in the sitting room, placing himself on the edge. Fingers tapping against the screen.

They had been inseparable as children. Almost as if they had been pseudo twins. Even if she was three years younger than him—they had done everything together. Wherever Ten went, Tern followed, and as Tern grew older Ten started following her too. Like mirrors reflecting each other they had shared everything. Then the divorce was upon them. Ten didn’t know if the change had been as inevitable as he had felt it back then. Thinking back, it did seem overly dramatic to cut all ties with his family in Thailand. Had it really been that important to him to not stay in touch with them? He could have sent a postcard, he could have called every now and then, texted her. Ten was the older one, he should have known better than to ignore her, pretending that she didn’t exist. It didn’t seem at all unlikely that Tern would understand after time. So what had kept him from staying in touch with her? Was he really so certain his mother wouldn’t accept him even if he let enough time pass? Time did pass. But they weren’t the wiser.

_ What’s the worst thing that can happen? _ Ten touched the number with his index finger, choosing the option to call. It seemed final, and yet it was so easy. With a shaking hand Ten raised the phone to his ear, listening to the dialing, the beeping as the signal reached Tern. Ten didn’t know what would be easier, if she didn’t—or if she did pick up.

Beep—once, Ten held his breath, _ beep _ came the second one. Counting upwards. If he waited until the eighth—would it restart? Like choreography begins with a new move.

The beeping stopped, and Ten wondered if he’d forgotten to breathe altogether as he listened to someone on the other line accepting his call. Ten didn’t think he would have remembered the way she sounded, if he was honest he couldn’t even recall it before he’d made the call. But now, with her voice calling out it was as familiar as had he never left. The rise and fall in a familiar beat, a kind of rhythmic change that he knew well.

“It’s Ten,” he said, finally finding his own voice, and it wasn’t as difficult as he had thought, it was just his name, it was just his sister—familiar.

The line was quiet for a moment, but Ten had barely any time to start worrying before the voice continued.

“Ten?”

Ten worried his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Yes. Hi. It’s me.”

He could hear her swallow on the other side.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call when I arrived in Korea,” Ten said.

“That’s alright,” came her voice, and even if it was deeper than he remembered it was just the same.

“I know it’s not, you don’t have to pretend that it is.”

“I didn’t know you would call. I didn’t think you’d ever call.”

“Neither did I,” and Ten realised that was true.

Hadn’t he met Johnny he might never have called her. It was harsh, what he’d done to her. Ten didn’t know how she’d taken his leaving home. He could only remember her small arms around his frame, the last embrace in years. _ “Come back,” _ she had said.

“I’m sorry,” Ten said, his voice cracking at the last word as a tear forced itself out of his eye and down his cheek, running away from him, “Is it too late… to come back?”

There was a harsh intake of breath.

“It’s not too late,” Tern replied.

“Thank God,” Ten gave out a short laugh, “I don’t know how to fix this.”

“You don’t have to know. We’ll work on it?”

“How have you been?”

They talked on for minutes. Ten didn’t know exactly how much time passed. In hindsight it probably wasn’t that long, but it felt like hours. Just the two of them. Ten told her he was going to try to dance more, that he’d been in the modelling industry but that he was thinking about dropping out. She told him she’d seen him in a magazine once, that she still had it in her room. That she was studying to be a designer, had moved into a student flat with some friends. Things seemed alright, and they cried. Ten cried because he was relieved, the heaviness finally easing a bit. Why hadn’t he called her earlier?

“I have… a boyfriend now,” Ten said after she’d told him about the student accommodation, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Since when?”

Ten swallowed.

“It all happened very recently,” he tried.

“I hope I can meet him one day.”

Another set of tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I’d like that too.”

When the call was finally over Ten walked over to his own bedroom door, taking a deep breath.

It was okay. It didn’t matter if Ten waited until he walked inside, Johnny would see his face sooner or later anyway. There really wasn’t any reason keeping him from opening the door.

Ten pushed down the lever, peeking inside. Even if the tears had stopped running he could tell his eyes were puffy, probably red by the amount of times he’d already wiped at them.

“I did it,” Ten said, “We finally talked. Just me and my sister,” Ten bit down on his bottom lip as he leaned his head against the doorframe, feeling the echo of how he’d greeted Johnny earlier that evening.

Johnny looked up from his phone, placing it beside him and sat up a bit straighter. He opened his arms.

“Come here, baby.“

Ten smiled as he took the few steps into his room before crawling up to Johnny, snuggling into the embrace.

“I don’t know why I was so afraid of calling her,” Ten started, “She was the same as ever... even if her voice sounded a bit older—a bit deeper than I remembered. But, she’s still the same. It was as if no time had passed at all,” Ten smiled into Johnny’s neck as he rested his head on Johnny’s shoulder, “We said we’ll try to talk more often from now on... this time I’m not going to let years pass.”

Ten took a breath, looking down at the white but slightly wrinkled bed sheets.

“We didn’t speak about our parents—at all, not this time. But, I guess in some cases, people come around if given enough time. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to them later....”

It was comforting, Johnny’s arms around him, holding him close, hand absently stroking Ten’s neck and down his back soothingly, almost as if he wasn’t aware of it, as if it came naturally for him, just another habit. Ten didn’t mind, rather, he wanted it. Was happy to receive Johnny’s gentle touch.

“Sometimes you only realise who you miss and need in your day to day, when they are no longer around...“ Johnny said very lowly, “So once you get a chance to fix it, you take it to fix it,“ he pressed a kiss to Ten‘s temple and added, “I am very proud of you for calling her. You did well.“

Ten eventually fell asleep like that. Head resting against Johnny’s chest, feeling the rise and fall. A constant. He was safe.

***

The performance wasn’t far away now. The one which Kun had composed and which Ten, together with Sicheng and Yangyang would be dancing to. It was the last rehearsal today. They had already done the dress rehearsal on stage, trying everything out—and after that they had gone back to the studios, practising for about three more hours and even so, Ten had stayed in the studio when the other three left. _ “Don’t worry, I’ll leave soon, just need to check one thing,” _ Ten had said, and even though Kun looked ready to give him some scolding for overworking himself or whatever, Sicheng had jumped in, saving him some comments. They had left quietly and Ten had promised to not stay for too long. He needed his energy for tomorrow, after all.

Kun’s recording was playing out into the studio, the sound dramatic at times, pleasant and intriguing at the same time. He was really good at what he was doing—Kun. It felt as if the music had been written for the three of them, with their different dance styles. Sicheng’s more elegant movements, careful planning and gestures with precision and timing always on spot; as well as the more powerful roughness of Yangyang, the energy going stronger, more vibrant as it was bleeding into the fragile and more beautiful parts. There were a lot which fit Ten too, the way he liked to work with speed, and the correlation between it and slowness, allowing time to stop before another movement was added, always too quick to be registered.

Ten had been so caught up in practising his solo part in the choreo that he hadn’t heard the door to the studio opening, nor realised who was standing by the door frame with two bottles of water and a small box of sweets.

“Hey,” Johnny said.

Ten smiled, almost shy in a way he usually wasn’t.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ten said, continuing to smile nevertheless as he paused the song, and looked back at Johnny.

“Making sure you don’t spend more time with others than with your boyfriend!“ Johnny grinned and looked around, “Woah... and _ oh _ you even have a piano. That’s so... fancy,“ he placed the stuff he brought along to the floor, walking over to Ten, obviously intending to greet him properly, “Hey, baby... Sorry not sorry for interrupting you. You’ve been practising for hours...“

“I have, perhaps,” Ten commented, taking a step back as Johnny approached him, “Which means I’m absolutely disgusting, so no hugs today,” Ten smiled, “And yes! We were fortunate enough to rent a room here, they usually host ballet and contemporary dancers who practise with live pianists.”

Johnny’s face turned sulking but he didn’t prompt any further. Instead he walked over to the piano.

“That’s really cool, you know I can play piano, perhaps got a bit rusty due to not having one at my place... how about you go and take your well deserved shower and I try to woo you with a song afterwards?” he grinned again, looking satisfied and happy and Ten couldn’t help but being reminded of a child.

Ten smiled too. Johnny was infectious in that way.

“I’d like that, very much—will be back in a few!”

_ Woo me? _ Ten thought, forcing the urge to shake his head away, _ I’ve been wooed since the first few times I met you_.

Ten hurried off as quickly as he could, glancing back at Johnny one last time before walking out of the studio. Ten smiled again, blowing Johnny a kiss before closing the door after himself.

As Ten came back he heard notes coming from the studio, but the sound was still muffled, yet, there was a sequence, it sounded so familiar.

Ten opened the door, and the music hit him. _ Shit_, Ten thought, suddenly realising exactly _ which _ sheets he had forgotten by the piano before Johnny had arrived.

He usually brought these sheets with him whenever he knew he would have some extra time to practise on his own. There were still a few things missing, but the song was mostly finished by now. The lyrics, which Taeyong was usually so much better at writing, was finally in place, and the composition done. Ten had placed them on top of the piano just as Sicheng had dragged Yangyang out of the studio—and clearly they had been found. Without Ten’s permission, Johnny continued to create his own path into Ten’s life. Interlacing himself into everything and anything Ten did.

He closed the door very gently, putting down his bag again, eyes focused on Johnny for a moment, just watching his back and shoulders moving as he played. Ten looked at the mirror, showing Johnny’s face, eyes cast down at the sheets in front of him, and Ten, standing on the floor.

He waited until the chorus came to an end, restarting as the first verse began and Ten took an initial step forwards, as if propelled by the music. He knew these tones, the ups and downs, the fall of each key as Johnny pressed them down, but it had never sounded like this before. Ten didn’t know if he would have stopped even if he could, it seemed inevitable, seemed somehow the most reasonable thing to do, take the next step, and the next, as he had practised them, choreographed them himself.

This wasn’t the song he was to perform tomorrow. Ten had written this piece himself, he knew it better than the inside of his own pocket. Yet he’d written it for guitar, it had never been like this before—suddenly the notes took on a life of their own.

The first tapping, similar to rain, an illusion of something irregular, a beat of its own, and Ten extended his arms, allowing them to flow with the tapping of the keys. Arms coming up as if tickling the air, the reality around him, trying to grasp it and force it down to Earth. He moved slowly, arms moving whimsically with imaginary waves and then turning towards the ground again. Hands making a fist as if pulling at a small seed, wanting it to unravel, grow. With precision with the beat Ten continued on, turning in speed as the piano played a game of its own, arms extending, fingers playing with the viewer, eyes fixed briefly on his own reflection in the mirror.

For so long Ten had run from his very reflection. Not wanting to see himself in other’s photographs—but he wasn’t afraid anymore. Not since he had seen Johnny’s pictures of him in the pool. It wasn’t so bad, not as superficial as he was afraid it would be. In the water, surrounded by light and darkness Ten felt as if Johnny had captured something else, _ something more_, something Ten couldn’t explain in words.

Ten moved his head to the side, gaze following his hands as the darker tones accompanied him. It turned lighter again, and Ten reached for the sky, hand turning and pulling, as if trying to get control of the world around him, keeping everything in order before being forced back a few steps, before stepping forward again. A constant push and pull, a reminder to not be devastated when the fall would come. That it was possible to move, one foot in front of the other, again and again.

Johnny’s fingers were quick on the keys even though he had said it had been some time since he had last played. Ten moved, arms coming up to create an invisible wall, sliding against it, asking for permission inside. Ten continued, allowing his arms to move the rest of his body, showing him in which direction he was heading. The battle, between what was real and what was only a dream, of what he wanted and what he was afraid of. Hit and run. The despair. Ten crossed his arms to the side, as if he wasn’t in charge anymore, the force coming from the outside, moving him instead of him moving. Fingers travelling on his body as if someone else was trying to get inside, flicking away as if he couldn’t keep up. Ten knew the song and choreography better than most things he had danced to, so when Johnny inserted his own notes every now and then it was never missed on Ten. It was thrilling, making him stay on his toes. It was still the same though, the base never changed and when the last chorus came on Ten turned, lips parting as he let the first word slip out, sliding down on the floor as if he had been forced onto the ground, feet still running, still trying, never giving up.

Even though he knew Johnny was American they rarely spoke English together, this song however, was completely in English. There weren't that many words, but it felt important to sing them.

“I’m staying up,” Ten started and he heard Johnny’s fingers stopping for a split second, before continuing—and so did Ten, “I don’t wanna come down from your love. We’ll get lost together, let me flow. Don’t ever let me come down from your love. From your love, from your love...”

Ten looked up to the sky, and then down to the ground a last time. As if proving that he knew what was real now, what he wanted: to be grounded in that love, to never part from it again.

The music stopped.

“Is there even anything you haven't mastered yet?”

Ten’s eyes moved over to Johnny’s reflection in the mirror when he spoke. A small smile tugged at Ten’s lips.

“I believe I’ve got pretty far to go before I’ve covered _ everything_, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Ten said, a bit out of breath from all the dancing.

Ten turned towards the real Johnny.

“But I’m working on it,” Ten winked.

He took another breath before continuing.

“I wrote that piece, choreographed it myself” he admitted, “I had started on a small section some time ago—about the time when I met you, but it never felt finished... I couldn’t tie the notes together—the chorus didn’t make sense to me, the bridge didn’t work, nor could I find the right lyrics—everything seemed wrong at the time... I know it’s cliché, but you’re what inspired this song; and what made me able to finish it. When we got together, the melody finally made sense, the missing notes seemed to come to me, and the lyrics came along naturally. The choreo seemed an inevitable continuation, as if the work wasn’t quite complete without it,” Ten scratched the back of his head, biting down on his bottom lip before releasing again, “It’s dedicated to you. I was waiting to show it to you, but I never found the right time or place... and when I walked inside the studio, heard you playing the notes I had written...” Ten trailed off as he had walked forward towards Johnny, now coming to a stop as he was standing at the side of the piano.

Johnny shook his head with a smile.

“An artist block too, hm?”

Hazel eyes looked up at Ten and Johnny smiled, eyes looking almost glass-like. 

“Wow... it’s... it’s such an amazing song, Chittaphon. I thought that when playing the first notes; I felt it when I got more secure to play it; I loved it once you danced and sang to it. But actually knowing that... you created it—and even dedicating this masterpiece to me is... mind blowing. Can’t think of anyone ever doing something this meaningful and valuable for me,” Johnny pushed the piano chair he was sitting on a bit away from the piano and gestured for Ten to come to him, adding as if Ten hadn’t already heard the quiet request, “Come here, baby.”

Ten smiled as he sat down beside Johnny.

“I don’t want to come down from your love,” Ten whispered as he leaned in, placing an innocent peck against the corner of Johnny’s lips.

“Mh, I can understand, I really am a cool guy,” he teased.

“You are,” Ten confirmed, smiling.

Johnny lifted Ten’s chin with his index finger. 

“Seriously though…” he continued, “This really means the world to me, baby. You mean the world to me,” and he leaned closer to Ten, his breath a whisper on Ten’s lips.

When Johnny’s lips met Ten’s, Ten kissed back, pushing a bit more, hoping his actions would answer Johnny’s words, tongue coming out to trace Johnny’s bottom lip. Ten felt Johnny’s tongue in turn dart out, greeting Ten and another kind of thrill ran down Ten’s spine. This was exhilarating. An arm wrapped around Ten’s hips and Ten inhaled harshly as he felt Johnny pulling at him, lifting him up to position Ten over his lap, lips never parting. Ten easily moved to fit against Johnny, legs on either of his sides. It was different now, different when Ten didn’t have to worry about Johnny not wanting him. It made it even more intoxicating, kissing Johnny. Ten let one hand slide around Johnny’s neck. Ten tugged a bit at the hair at his nape, tilting his head up so Ten could lick his way inside Johnny’s mouth, sliding his tongue against his, kissing deeper, dancing around each other. Johnny’s hands roamed over Ten’s back, moving lower to rest on Ten’s arse, holding him with a firm grip. Any previous shyness was gone, and it made Ten excited, blood rushing south. It went even quicker when he felt Johnny push Ten against his own groin. Ten tried to stifle a groan that wanted to escape him. God, he was already hard. And this friction, delicious against him. Johnny solid in front of him, under him, _ wanting _ him. Ten knew that they probably shouldn’t do this, that they should break it before it would get too difficult to stop. Even if they were alone, they weren’t at home. This was a rented space, and not for these kinds of activities. Theoretically someone could walk in and check on Ten, asking him if he was done practising soon—perhaps closing down the studios. Johnny’s breath was getting louder, uneven and Ten only moved his hips a bit harsher, rougher over Johnny’s hardness.

Ten already missed Johnny’s lips when he felt Johnny breaking it. Ten opened his eyes, watching on as Johnny did the same, a smile on his lips before he bit down on his plump bottom lip. Beautiful and hot as hell.

“Damn... baby. I want you, but... we shouldn’t.”

Ten licked over his own lips, eyelids feeling heavy as he tried to focus on the man before him.

“You sure?” Ten asked, rolling his hips once more, pushing against Johnny’s groin, eager for more even if he knew there was definitely something to Johnny’s words.

Johnny panted in reply to Ten’s actions and Ten had an urge to crack a laugh. He was so weak for the man below him. Good God.

“Not at all...“ Johnny said, he sounded honest as he pressed back against Ten.

Johnny’s hand moved from one buttock up to slide in under Ten’s shirt, fingertips trailing over the other’s spine playfully. 

“I really want you right here and now... but you need your energy for tomorrow,” Johnny continued.

_ So sensible_, Ten thought whilst being unable to keep the gasp inside, the friction all too addicting.

“Well...” Ten started, leaning in as he licked a small trail up Johnny’s neck before whispering into his ear, “We could make it quick.”

Johnny pressed his forehead against Ten’s.

“We... should… I can’t just... let go of my baby on me, being so sexy and smelling so fresh.”

Ten looked into Johnny’s eyes, a small smirk tugging at his lips as he let his hands travel downwards, resting over the flies, just a light pressure against the hard bulge there.

“You want it,” Ten said, it wasn’t really a question.

“You clearly felt my answer already,” Johnny moved his hips again, pushing back into Ten’s hands as if Ten couldn’t feel him already, “You are so god damn sexy... seeing _ you _ dance, hearing you sing… feel your weight on me...” he reached for the other’s lips and licked over Ten’s bottom lip in a playful way, “Your taste.”

Ten wished he had more self control, but he really couldn’t deny Johnny any request at this moment—not that Ten actually wanted anything more right now: he just wanted Johnny, his lips against his, against his skin, Johnny’s hands against him.

Ten kissed Johnny, shutting him up as he made quick work on both of their flies, freeing both of their erections, and bringing them together. Ten took a sharp breath as he finally felt Johnny against him. Hard and leaking. Ten moved his hands, thumb pressing down at Johnny’s slit before sliding down both their lengths.

It was sweet, rough and delicious in the best of ways. Ten didn’t really know how they ended up in front of the mirror, Johnny’s large frame hovering above him, Ten’s naked back pressing into the cold glass and Johnny’s lips coming down to assault his neck. If Ten was honest, he probably had himself to blame for it, probably at one point having stood up and dragged Johnny with him, all the way to the mirror.

They were probably beautiful together. The way Johnny’s hands never left Ten’s skin, the way they pressed closer together. A thought made itself known and Ten groaned into another kiss. _ I wonder what we look like_. Ten spun around, one hand coming up to touch Johnny’s cheek as he looked back into his own reflection, eyes flicking up to meet warm hazel. Ten smirked as he heard Johnny gasp behind him when he saw their reflections too.

"This is a moment where anyone would just have a witty and fine ass comment about seeing you like this, baby,” Johnny said, “But I am your boyfriend... so no words left."

Ten chuckled.

“You don’t have to use your words for this,” Ten said, letting his hand fall from Johnny’s face.

Instead, taking hold of Johnny’s right hand, guiding it in front of himself, his eyes still focused on Johnny’s. Ten swallowed, his left hand coming up to steady himself as he felt Johnny’s fingers curl around his length in response, and Ten, unable to not flick his gaze lower, watched on as Johnny slid his hand down Ten’s cock. Ten moaned.

It started out slowly, with a quality to it which could almost be likened to shyness, especially by the way Ten could see Johnny mostly focusing on Ten’s eyes in their reflection, and as Ten pushed back, his hand releasing the hold on Johnny’s hand to come around to pull Johnny closer, allowing his cock to slide against Ten’s arse—Johnny started to watch himself against Ten. It took a few more minutes before Ten noticed Johnny’s eyes finally settled on their reflection, dropping lower. Ten almost lost it at that, seeing the heat on Johnny’s cheeks as if he was caught watching something he shouldn’t have. Ten smirked back when Johnny’s gaze met Ten’s again, and soon hazel eyes started to roam everywhere, not as shy to sometimes flick past and focus on Johnny’s own hand around Ten’s eagerness.

It didn’t take long before Ten was pulled over the edge, Johnny’s name a low whisper on his lips, spurting against the glass in front of them (Ten really had to clean the mirror before they left the studio). Johnny followed quickly afterwards, hot fluid hit up Ten’s back and in between his buttocks, running past Ten’s hole and down the back of his balls, making him shiver. Ten wished he had brought lube to ease the roughness for Johnny.

As they came down from their highs, Ten’s knees threatening to give way, Johnny leaned over his back, lips close to Ten’s ears.

“Mh—tomorrow night—I will take my sweet time with you... I promise.”

Ten hadn’t been very keen on promises before. It was always revolved around the future, something that was supposed to stay the same, something to be kept, and that had a risk of being broken. But this time it was different, and not only because Johnny’s promise held something extremely raw and lewd—but because it was _ him _ making it. Because it was Johnny, and Ten trusted him, knew that he if anyone, would do anything to keep any promises.

So much had changed in only a couple of months. So much was different. Change was inevitable, and Ten had always been sure a photograph was only an illusion of something he could never have, never keep and hold in his own hands. But Johnny kept proving him wrong, and maybe life was more like moving images. Even so, it didn’t mean that photographs were wrong—they weren’t lies. They were pretty, could be real, authentic and true to themselves. They could be kept, a precious memory to remind oneself of all the good things that had happened, that had been real. Ten could only hope that it was a whisper or something that was to continue.

_ Don’t ever let me come down from your love_. 

* * *

**JOHNNY**

  
Johnny bit on his bottom lip, his muscles were aching from sitting this tensed and excited on the seat, watching his boyfriend perform with the others. 

Breathtaking. 

Just like months back when he saw Ten and Sicheng on the stage, he was mesmerized, like in trance, forgetting everything around him, hazel eyes only on the stage and most of the time.. on his Chittaphon. 

All the hard work clearly had paid off at this point. Johnny could not be any prouder really and turned to a full Yuta from the first time once the performance was over and everyone was cheering for them. 

Johnny was one of the loudest, making sure everyone up there would hear it. 

This time he did not have to abruptly leave.   
No.   
Ten did not leave but smile at him - it had been the most beautiful and perfect smile Johnny had ever seen and even so he was already overwhelmed with pride and excitement, he also felt this spark in his chest. Why did he again make the mistake of not having his camera with him. He will most likely have to make Ten smile like that every day to compensate for this.   
Fair.   
There was no way to describe what he felt differently. 

He loved this man, with all his heart. 

And Johnny smiled back, slowly walking the narrow line between the seats.   
He waited at the spot they set to meet afterwards, holding both of their jackets under his arm.   
Soon enough he saw the dancers leaving the backstage area and Ten was approaching him.   
Johnny beamed happily and already held the jacket open for Ten to put on, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend as he had turned his back to him, pressing a kiss to the neck. 

“You were absolutely stunning. 10/Ten. I would say an even higher number, but nothing can beat Ten anyway.” He joked amused and allowed the other to turn back around to face him. 

“Thanks for allowing me to stay your top ten,” Ten joked back, grinning as he leaned back a bit into Johnny’s welcoming arms.  
“I hope you are happy with your performance? Did everything turn out as you had planned it? It surely looked perfect but I might be biased.” Johnny shrugged amused.

“I hope so,” Ten replied to Johnny’s next words, “It was a collaboration, Kun having composed the music and us, working on the choreography. It’s good, I think. Before I used to dance for myself, but dancing doesn’t and shouldn’t be only a one-man show, it can be so much more than that.” Ten made a paused and Johnny tilted his head “...I felt that, when I danced for you,”   
From the way Ten said it, Johnny knew immediately that he meant yesterday, in the practice room and a shiver ran down his spine.   
Oh he had felt it too, how Ten carried so much more than just the choreography with his movements. Johnny had felt it, each time he saw him dancing, but yesterday… playing his song, hearing Ten singing for the first time, dancing and only doing it for them.   
This had been magic, nothing easily to describe. Ten probably felt the same as he continued to explain it. “It’s built on trust, and synergy—expressing something not only for me but for and with others. I’m glad you’re here this time, and that I’m not running away. I’m here to stay—with everyone.”

Johnny smiled and took Ten’s hand in his. “I know you stay with me now... things have changed...” he said, both surely felt it in their every day. The photographer was still seeing everything in pink and could really get used to it. 

“I won’t forget your dance for me that soon if ever... “ he wiggles with his eyebrow just for the cringe and got a quick slap on his arm, chuckling amused. 

They said their goodbyes to the last known faces at the event before Johnny called a cab and opened the door for Ten, bowing even like a gentleman and in a very exaggerating way “Beloved.” 

Then he sat down on the backseat as well and gave the driver the address to his apartment. 

They remained a little quiet for a moment but Johnny still had his fingers entwined with Ten’s who looked outside the window and absently stroking the other’s hand with his free thumb. 

At one point he glanced over and drew the hand to his mouth, kissing it gently. Again so naturally even so they were in a cab. “Are you tired, baby?”

Ten leaning against Johnny, head turning, chin coming to rest on top of his shoulder.

“Mm... perhaps, a bit,” Ten said, quietly, his free hand coming over to rest over Johnny’s thigh, and Ten leaned in even closer, lips touching Johnny’s earlobe every now and then when the cab made a turn, “You might have to take care of me... I remember you making a promise,” Ten leaned back again, eyes looking up at Johnny through his eyelashes, and his hand moved soothingly over Johnny’s thigh, all too high up to what was considered publicly acceptable.

Johnny couldn’t hold back his smirk, watching the finger stroke and biting his bottom lip as it moved to an exciting area to tease him. “A promise is nothing Johnny Suh ever forgets..” he said quietly and lifted Ten’s cheek to kiss the other’s lips. “Especially this sort of promise...” 

He kissed Ten again. It was more of a peck, considering where they were but Johnny hummed lowly “I can’t wait to be alone with you.”

Ten pouted when Johnny leaned back—though it didn’t last long, a smirk taking over instead and Ten took their shared hands, moving them as if only taking them in his lap—but inevitably getting closer to his own crotch. He folded his legs in front of him, turning in Johnny’s direction clearly to make their act less obvious in case the driver would turn around or glance back at them through the mirror, Ten’s knee was hopefully placed high enough to hide anything.   
He let go of Johnny’s fingers, instead coming around to the back of his hand to push Johnny’s palm gently against his own groin, letting Johnny feel how hard he was already.   
  
“Neither can I,” Ten said, voice hushed, letting go of his hold on Johnny’s hand, allowing Johnny to retract his hand if he wanted to, eyes still focused on his.

Johnny held his breath and swallowed when Ten initiated quite a playful and kinky mode, one totally not allowed for the driver to see but for Johnny to feel. He could feel the eagerness, immediately adjusting a little pressure, giving his baby a little friction for more anticipation. 

Fuck this was hot. This was intriguing, and Johnny wanted to tease Ten. 

With his arm around the other’s shoulders he could slide his hand easily underneath his lover’s shirt to touch some flesh, arranging his position to reach something else to play with, inevitably having the other lean against him.   
He could hear Ten’s low breathing increasing and smiled to be the reason for it, circling his fingertips over one nipple, while closing his hand around the others hardness, stroking him through the fabricate. “Shh” he hummed when he heard soft noises from his lover.   
  
Fuck.. why was this so intriguing…

Ten was probably trying his best to keep his breathing even. Johnny knew that he usually did not mind to be a little louder. But he was so quiet.. It was surely something he focused on now.   
Ten also kept as still as possible, his body leaned towards Johnny as he had shuffled a bit closer to him and just barely managed to not buck his hips up against Johnny’s fingers.   
Johnny’s hand added pressure around the length of him and Johnny could tell Ten had been a bit more than half hard before Johnny touched him, but he was brought to complete hardness by this in a matter of a few seconds.

Johnny felt the marble between his fingers, teasing it with a nail, nudging the sensitive nub with the same ambition as his boyfriend’s member. 

God, he wanted him naked.. right now.   
Even so he was pulling the strings right now, Johnny could not neglect his own lust for more of this, his own pants getting tight and uncomfortable.   
Hazel eyes were on the mirror where the driver could possibly have spotted them, but he just looked on the street, completely not interested in what they were doing. Or kept them there because he knew what they were doing? Johnny licked over his bottom lip and stopped the stoking, instead opening the pants’ button to slide his fingers in. He could feel the damp spot on Ten’s tip through the boxers, running his index finger over the slit and closing his hand around Ten again.   
They played the game a while, Johnny teasing Ten by stopping every now and then to keep his baby with a slight bit of frustration, until the cab arrived at the apartment complex.   
He cleared his throat and quickly removed his hands, feeling how his own mouth went dry from the game.   
To cover up Ten, Johnny leaned forward to pay the driver generously, still not sure if he knew anything or not. But he deserved everything to not have disrupted them in Johnny’s eyes.

He stepped outside first, taking Ten’s hand and immediately pulled him close to a heated kiss now that darkness surrounded them and the car was driving off.  
  


Ten relished Johnny's embrace, kissing back with all that he had. Johnny could feel it, how the other’s hands moved everywhere he could reach, not caring who could see them, it didn’t matter at this point.   
Just like him - Ten just wanted more, hands coming up under Johnny’s shirt, touching bare skin, hot under his palms. Ten pressed himself in closer, hips pushing forward a bit, seeking any friction that could be provided.

At this point Johnny had never craved someone like this before, this heat - that fire that lit up all the time he kissed Ten. Nothing felt as good as being wanted by the other and he allowed those eager hands to roam over him, inwardly making some steps toward the building.

Johnny broke the kiss, panting to control himself. 

“Inside.... now,'' he said in a husky tone and actually picked Ten up, carrying him over to the entrance door. Since the key was still in his pockets and his hands were safely resting and groping Ten’s buttocks, he found no other way but to press Ten’s back momentarily against the door to balance it out and let go with one hand to get the goddamn key.

Ten chuckled as he watched Johnny struggle with the lock.   
Leaning in to lick behind his ear, hands tugging gently at his hair.

“I want you,” Ten whispered against Johnny’s skin, “Want your hands on me, lips on my skin, want your cock to breach me, push into me. I want to hear you, feel you,” Ten continued, voice darker than usual.

"God damn it.." Johnny cursed as the struggle continued.   
How was a man supposed to do a normal thing like that, with someone saying all these things to him. 

No - not someone. Someone very special. The one that mattered the most.   
His Chittaphon.   
His lover.   
His. 

Johnny momentarily let go of the lock and looked into fierce eyes.   
"If you want all of that to happen, you better kiss me now to shut yourself up and go inside, baby." And while they kissed he finally managed to open the door and carry them inside without stopping the kiss. 

This happened in front of the goddamn elevator again, strangely needing hours longer than usual to arrive, then inside the elevator, then in front of the apartment door. Luckily it was late already so there were no one else walking around. But this all was truly getting frustrating, even more when Johnny actually had to put Ten down on his feet again.  
Not that this actually changed how close they were, still making out and couldn’t keep their hands off one another..   
"Finally.." Johnny said and walked straight to the bedroom, not even daring to turn on the light or take off his shoes.   
  
Priorities first.

Johnny could hear that Ten stepped out of his shoes on his way in, the door being closed quickly after them and hurrying footsteps following Johnny, fingers coming around his wrist just when Johnny entered the bedroom, turning him around and using his other hand to tug at his neck. 

Johnny immediately greeted the other’s kiss, fingers sliding under Ten’s shirt to get rid of it in another second, arms wrapping around the other’s body to have him close and take Ten with him as he walked backwards toward the end of the bed and sitting down with the other still standing in front of him.   
Johnny kicked his shoes off and then took off his own shirt in the process.   
They had all night but somehow time felt like running, just like his patience.

Ten bent down, pressing a kiss to Johnny’s collarbone, hands touching over the exposed skin and Ten lapped over one nipple, hands travelling down Johnny’s body until one slid over his trousers.

Johnny allowed all of it, leaning back to give Ten the access he demanded and bit his bottom lip as a palm nudged against his bulge, rocking his hips against it.   
Damn the friction was so needed.   
He had to get Ten off his pants and Johnny sat up straight again, undoing the belt and button and pulling the other’s pants down.   
His hands moved to Ten’s ass and pulled him on his lap, resuming the intense kissing before he wrapped his arms around his lover and travelled his mouth down to assault Ten’s neck and collarbone.

He could hear Ten moaning, even leaning back a bit to give Johnny better access. 

“Touch me.”

He could hear in a very low voice as Ten pushed both his hands into Johnny’s hair, the soft strands gliding between his fingers.

Ten did not have to ask that twice, warm hands roaming all over the other’s back and ass, pushing him down against his groin just like the night before in the practice room.   
His tongue finding one nipple and sucking at it, flicking his tongue over it, then moving to the other side, pulling at this one with his teeth a little.   
His hands moved down to Ten’s briefs and pulling them down just as quickly as the shirt had been done.

Another moan slipped past his lover’s lips, Johnny’s teeth gracing him.

“Johnny...” Ten practically moaned his name.

Not... enough. 

Johnny stopped his little play with one nipple and actually pulled Ten down as he laid back and rolled them around so Ten was laying on his back now and underneath the photographer.   
Johnny was making sure for the other to feel a little of his weight as he resumed to tease one sensitive nub, then the other while he closed one hand around Ten’s member and started to stroke him, slowly travelling down with his mouth and leaving a hot wet trail on Ten’s skin with his tongue.

He saw Ten shivering, hopefully by the attention he received and not because he was feeling cold, Johnny thought. Ten’s hand carded in Johnny’s hair again, the other hand grabbing at the sheets underneath, probably in an attempt to ground himself and not get too excited already. 

Johnny hummed with a satisfying smile on his lips looking up to his lover as he reached the lower areas and ran his tongue over the hip bone and to Ten’s erection, using his hand to hold it in position for him to close his lips around it, adjusting friction and pressure with his tongue on the sensitive tip, then guiding him in and down his throat inch by inch, one hand reaching for Ten’s that held onto the mattress for dear life.

  
A groan escaped Ten, fierce eyes watching Johnny with eager curiosity and excitement.

“You’re so... hot,” Ten breathed, which let Johnny thoroughly continue, loving the expression he caused on Ten’s beautiful face.  
This was so rewarding, he loved when focusing only and fully on his lover who was starting to twitch and shiver even more underneath him. 

He saw Ten’s hand letting go of the sheets, taking hold of the hand Johnny offered him and their eyes met again. Damn… this expression, this lust in Ten’s eyes.   
Johnny adjusted pressure with his tongue, swirling it around the top and guiding him all the way down again, surely had learnt from the best on how to do this or at least to know what felt amazing on himself.   
At one point he used some saliva to apply some on his finger and started to stroke over Ten’s balls, massaging them gently before it circled around Ten’s heat.

“Oh—” He heard Ten sighing and Johnny practically swallowed him all the way down to the base, the sigh soon turned into another groan.  
Hazel eyes never looked anywhere else but fierce ones, a smile cracking from the corner of Johnny’s lips as he adjusted just a little pressure against the ring of muscle, then playing around it again, allowing saliva to run down and over Ten’s entrance. Surely they had enough lubrication in his room to use instead, but Johnny did not want to interrupt this and neither wanted to taste lube at the moment while doing this.

“Please—” He heard Ten gasping in eagerness.

When he was certain that his saliva was gooey enough in his mouth, Johnny used it on his finger to slide his first finger inside, feeling how the ring of muscle gave in.   
His eyes were constantly watching his lover, careful with his game but yet no longer hesitant to follow the short little orders, pleas, and just sounds that carried more than words could.   
  
While not moving his finger yet he continued to suck and focus on Ten's member, at one point finally feeling how the muscles around his finger eased a little and only then made a small thrust, bending his finger to find that spot that - by now - he knew where to find easily, a smirk appearing on the corner of his lips. 

This was the best thing, having full control over the other's pleasure, pulling the strings, being... needed and wanted.   
Sex itself was amazing for sure but what the foreplay like this build up in Johnny was beyond any words and even Sex itself. He just loved to give Ten his all, all he felt for him. 

By now it was easy to work his finger inside of Ten, matching the moves of his head, before he stopped with a little gasp as he cleared his throat and just licked his tongue over Ten's tip.   
"Baby... just come. Okay?" then he resumed his task, bobbing his head and working a second finger inside.

“Ah—I’m—“ Ten started, seemingly getting ready for release, eyes shutting tight again, “coming—“ Ten continued through his teeth.   
  
This won't be the only time for his lover, Johnny promised to himself. 

He worked his fingers thoroughly to pleasure Ten just as much as with his lips, tongue and throat at this point. Johnny was definitely feeling proud to control his gagging reflex well. 

So when it was Ten's undoing, Johnny managed to lift his head enough so he would not choke on the semen. It happened before but out of Johnny's inexperience, not this time though. 

“Oh God...” Ten sighed, still panting heavily when he opened his eyes, lowering his arm as he had at one point pressed it over his eyes, releasing his harsh grip on Johnny’s hand, 

“Uh...” Ten sighed looking down at Johnny, “You okay?”

Johnny watched Ten calming down before he released Ten's member and swallowed the come quickly to answer his lover. 

"Of course" Johnny smiled, and ran his tongue another time from balls to now only half erect cock, knowing it could be a hell of sensitivity right after an orgasm. 

"How could I not be okay... I love doing this for you.." 

He resumed working his fingers a little again, because Johnny was not done with his boyfriend just now. 

He had promised to take his time and now with blowing off some of Ten's steam, there was the chance to produce more and keep the promise - making it last. 

Johnny moved up, still assaulting and caressing Ten's body with his lips, not missing the nipples that got so hard from Ten's previous orgasm.   
A small gasp escaped Ten when Johnny’s finger moved within him again, hopefully stirring a low interest again. 

"Damn..." Johnny licked over the nub, his voice raspy, his lips lightly red and a bit puffy.   
"You feel so nice down there already.." 

He nudged his nose against Ten's neck next, working his finger in and out before he actually reached for the lubrication.

When Johnny was almost at eye level with Ten, Ten reached down, one hand stroking down Johnny’s side.

“Hm,” He could hear the other humming, fierce eyes looking away from the lube to Johnny’s hazel one’s instead, watching his expression,   
“There’s been very little focus on you so far,” Ten said, tutting, undoing the flies to reach inside, palm firm, only a thin layer of fabric between his hand and Johnny’s hardness,   
“You want to be inside me? Hm? Do you want to fuck me?”   
Ten teased, fingers brushing over the head of Johnny’s cock.

Johnny smiled, pressing his lips together to the sudden touch and attention. He would say he did not mind the imbalance at this point but once Ten said those things and he felt the friction, he would lie if not answering “Yes”.

He made a thrusting move into Ten’s fist and lowered his upper body to be only an inch away from the other’s. 

“I want to have my way with you, Chittaphon. Can’t think of much else all day” he confessed and finally kissed Ten with a hum on his lips. 

The kiss broke eventually - definitely too soon as Johnny kept thrusting into Ten’s hand and slowly retreating his fingers from his lover’s heat.

Ten pushed down Johnny’s trousers, taking the boxers with them at least down below his arse, freeing Johnny’s cock to wrap his hand around it with more ease, stroking up and down his length.   
Johnny exhaled. He had not even noticed how caged he was until his erection was freed by his lover. 

He smiled and hummed a low "Appreciated." before he had to close his eyes, feeling Ten's strokes, hearing all those naughty little things. 

“You need that, don’t you?” Ten asked, “A warm tight heat, clenched around you,” Ten tightening his own grip around Johnny a bit as if to put emphasis on his own words, twisting on his way up around the head,  
“Need to thrust into me, bury yourself deep within me. My legs around you, pushing you deeper inside, hm?”

This was hard - literally. Why was it so easy for Ten to take over, he had it all in his hand and now the other was... playing with him, teasing him. It took a lot for Johnny right there. 

Ten parted his legs more, one coming up to rest right under Johnny’s arse and Johnny looked down to see Ten’s cock slowly filling again.

"Naughty kitTen."  
Johnny hummed and playfully tried to bite into Ten's chin, chuckling.   
He could see a smirk growing on Ten’s face as he heard him use such an endearment title —an actual pun, though it didn’t last very long.   
"I need you" Johnny sat up and inhaled deeply, hazel eyes appreciating the sight for a moment before he said. "But I need my baby ready for me."   
He finally applied some lube on his member and started to stroke himself, seeing how the other's was twitching as well. Damn.   
"Please touch yourself... get ready for me." Johnny said in a husky tone and licked over his lips. Excited, eager, curious - his eyes only on Ten and Ten only. 

“Ugh,” Ten groaned at Johnny’s request, his own cock twitching another time at those words.

“I can do that,” Ten replied, voice sounded an octave lower than usual as he wrapped his hand around himself, lazily working up and down in gentle movements.

“I want you, I want you so badly,” Ten sighed, moving his hand a bit quicker as he seemed to have reached full hardness again.

Johnny watched Ten rising his free hand, sucking his index finger into his mouth, eyes focusing on Johnny in front of him and then reached down between his own legs, going behind his balls to tease against the rim, working the finger inside.

Johnny watched Ten stroking himself with fascination and desire. 

God he could watch this much much longer if he was not so excited and eager to replace the finger soon enough.

“You don’t want to help getting me wet?” Ten asked, voice rather husky as he raised one eyebrow playfully at Johnny anyway, “You could go rough with me—or if you prefer to watch me do it,” the smirk came back as he said it, “I’ll take anything—as long as I can have you inside me, soon.”

Johnny licked over his dry lips, stroking only his tip, his member all hard and glossy from lubrication. „You are so goddamn sexy... and you know it.“ he said before moving between the other’s legs and stroking Ten‘s inner thighs, and slowly pulling his lover a little closer. He placed his hand over Ten‘s that was wrapped around his own cock and smiled as he took over the stroking with Ten‘s hand still under his.   
He used the hand that was still having lube on it to reach for Ten‘s entrance, gently taking the other’s hand to remove his lover’s finger.   
Hazel eyes looked at Ten as he was brushing over the sensitive area with his glossy slippery finger and working two inside with ease. He licked over his lips, bending his finger and biting his bottom lip. „So warm… mhhhh… I might... go rough with my baby because of all those naughty things you said...but I‘ll make sure you are prepared for that first.“

“Uh,” was all Ten seemed to be able to reply to Johnny’s words, and Ten bucked his hips another time, those words seem to have the aimed effect on him. 

When he went in with enough ease, Johnny stopped stroking Ten, actually removing both of his hands and looking at a panting Ten... so ready for him.   
He pulled his lover further down and was kneeling between Ten‘s thighs, positioning his tip over the ring of muscle and brushing over the area once again with his member, before he used a pillow to put underneath Ten‘s ass. This gave him better access and he resumed the teasing.   
„You want me inside you, yes?“

Ten’s own hand was still on his cock, stroking a few more times as he looked up at Johnny who just seemed to watch him for a moment—and then, the tip of his cock touched Ten’s entrance and Ten gasped another time, letting go of himself to give in to whatever Johnny wanted to do to him—definitely craving it.

“Y-yes,” Ten replied weakly, “Please...” he breathed, “I need you. Inside. Fill me up. Fuck me hard.”

This was it. No more teasing; no more waiting.   
  
When Johnny again was hearing these words with such a weak voice, he slid in without much of a further warning, remaining inside all the way in to let Ten adjust for a second to his size, leaning over his lover, running his tongue over one nipple, the collarbone, neck, chin, and finally those lips, pulling out slowly and back inside as their lips touched.   
How he missed Ten‘s lips on his, another thrust, this time a little faster, harder since he went in easily. Another one, and another... each thrust adding a little more force while they kissed and muffled both of their moans and pants. 

Fuck. 

Ten felt so amazing around him. So tight, as if made for him.

“Harder,” Ten moaned between kisses, “I can take it. Don’t hold back.”

Johnny cursed a low “Fuck...” not stopping to thrust into the other, moving his hands over Ten‘s to pin him to the mattress as he did as he had been told, thrusting harder making the bed squeak underneath them. 

Ten‘s body bounced up each time Johnny pushed inside, louder moans were muffled again by lips on lips. Johnny just couldn‘t hold back the urge to taste Ten, addicted to the other‘s skilled kisses. 

His shoulders burnt a little, his lover’s nails had dug into his skin there and the pain added to the raw longing and passion the two just shared for one another.  
“Mm,” Ten hummed into Johnny’s kisses, Johnny could feel the other’s cock hard and leaking against his stomach.

“Is that all you have?” Ten teased, a smirk growing on his lips again.

Johnny clicked with his tongue, not believing what he heard in comparison to this body‘s reactions underneath him. He could go harder but even in a moment like this, Johnny did not want to risk hurting Ten. 

But he just had to react to that type of teasing comment, getting on his knees and placing Ten‘s thighs over his shoulders, leaning over his lover again and entering him easily and promptly.   
This way he could be even deeper than before and resumed a quick and harsh pace. 

Fuck. 

This position was nice, he couldn’t possibly get any deeper than this.   
Johnny tried to control his own urges, feeling the sensation of each thrust steadily getting him closer to his own edge.   
So he made sure that Ten was on an equal level, wrapping his hand around the other‘s member and stroking him quite roughly to match the rest.

Ten groaned at the way the new position allowed Johnny to go faster, harder, and the rough tug of Johnny’s hand around his cock.

“Uh—Johnny,” Ten panted, his words soon being replaced by only sounds of pleasure.

“Mh—close?” Johnny heard his lover finally asking through his teeth.

Ten was turning more and more vocal, the way his body moved slightly out of rhythm underneath Johnny’s, hips barely trying to meet Johnny’s at the same time he pushed into Ten and cock thrusting into Johnny’s hand almost at its own pace.

"...Yes" Johnny panted and kept up the pace since he sensed that Ten was not too far away from it too and watching him come another time was the only thing on his mind at this point.   
Considering how sensitive everything was by now, it was hard to ignore that Ten was tensing around him, voice and sounds getting louder too.   
Fuck... Johnny was coming. There was no way to prevent this from happening at this point.   
He stopped thrusting to delay it for only a second, stroking Ten's member in a quick pace, panting and almost begging for his lover to come now. 

And as only some sprinkles of come shot into his palm, he finally resumed thrusting into him and only needed two or three more before it was his own undoing. 

And it was overwhelming.

“I—“ Ten started, a desperate moan slipping out, music to Johnny’s ears.

After everything, here they were. One. 

Johnny had to calm down from this orgasm that hit him differently. It's not like they barely could keep their hands off each other when being alone.. (or in a taxi ahem.) but usually there was a little less sexual frustration with it. The need for one another was stronger tonight. 

And it was perfect, everything pretty much was. 

Johnny had pulled out slowly, resting for a moment still on top of the other, but his mouth buried into Ten's nape, caressing it with soothing little kisses as he heard three little words that let him froze for a second. 

”I love you.”

Ten had said it. Or was he just imagining it?

He lifted his head to have a closer look on Ten's face and his boyfriend looked just as surprised as Johnny probably looked in this very moment.

Ten almost nervously licking over his bottom lip.  
  
He hadn’t said it in words before. 

Not like that. 

Not to Johnny.  
  
Chittaphon had just confessed to love Johnny. 

A smile appeared as fuzzy warmth rushed all over the photographer, he pressed his lips together and swallowed as he nudged his nose against Ten's chin. 

"You beat me by saying it first.. damn." He smiled.. No - Johnny was beaming happily. 

Somehow the hot lusty athmosphere replaced by love and gentleness. 

"And I love you, Chittaphon." 

He brushed his finger over Ten's warm cheek, unsure if it was because of the confession or the sex. 

"I wanted to say it for a while, but considering my past I was too worried to say it too soon. Foolish me." He kissed Ten gently and rolled to the side with him, not parting lips. 

And even if so.. only to repeat it. "I love you. I love you so much"

***

It was almost noon when Johnny opened his eyes slowly. He had slept so well, like a stone really and only the empty space next to him had woken him up. He rubbed his face and looked around, hearing the shower and smiling, teeth biting into his bottom lip.   
  
Ten loved him. 

Thud. Thud. Thud.

He had not just imagined that.

His eyes were fixed on the ceiling as he remembered how many times he wished to feel like that.

Being loved. Being appreciated. Being happy with someone.  
And Johnny was. 

Everything was okay, right? 

With Ten around he could work on his artist block, Ten was alright as well, even contacting his sister again.   
  
How times can change. 

Johnny thought and just then his phone vibrated. Since Ten was not back from showering, and he saw that Yoonoh was actually calling him, Johnny cleared his throat and sat up in the bed, accepting the call.   
“Hey.. morning” Damn his voice was still raspy from certain... activities.   
“Johnny?” He heard a concerned Yoonoh on the other end.   
“Are you not feeling well?”   
“Uhm... I feel perfectly fine.” Johnny answered honestly and smiled when saying it, noticing all their clothes laying in every possible corner of the room.   
“I am glad.” Yoonoh answered and Johnny focused back on his friend. “What about you, Mr. Jung?”   
  
A pause.   
  
Johnny asked again. “Yoonoh? Shoot. What happened?”   
He knew that something was up, concern immediately hitting him just as his protective mode over his best friend.   
”I’ve met my father...“   
  
Now the pause was on Johnny’s end and the first question that came to mind was.   
“Are you okay?”   
Yoonoh sighed, it had not been an easy one it seemed. 

But some tension left as he heard a low “Yeah.. sort of.”   
  
“What did he want?” Johnny asked, not liking to ask all details from Yoonoh but could also understand that it was hard to talk about it.   
“He wants his son back.” Came as an answer and Johnny held his breath.   
“What does that mean?” 

Another pause.  
  
“He apologized, Johnny. “ Hazel eyes widened at this news.   
“He did?”   
“Yeah... do you remember that he called me before and wished to meet me? I.. I didn’t accept right away, I didn’t feel ready as you know. But Taeyong - he…he kept hoping to fix this and actually made me accept when my father had called another time.”   
“Wow, I did not expect that,” Johnny said honestly and heard a low chuckle.   
“Believe me, neither did I. I totally expected my mom to be the first approaching me. I still know she had her influence on the matter and I love her for that. But.. Dad and I.. we had a very long call before the meeting. He even wanted to see Taeyong.”   
Johnny shook his head. “So what did he say exactly when seeing you two?”   
Yoonoh’s voice seemed to get a little less wary. “He wanted to work on himself and actually apologized...even to Taeyong.”   
“Damn,...” Was all that Johnny said at this point and Yoonoh had to agree. “I never expected this, Johnny. I thought we were done for good. But it seems that.. I meant at least something to him. Enough to even risk losing his face in front of us.”   
Johnny smiled, his body relaxing on the mattress.   
“I am happy he finally saw that family and his son is more important than his pride. Damn it Yoonoh, this is amazing.”   
The businessman chuckled and agreed. “Yes. I still feel like there must be a downside. And I still feel.. exhausted in a way. This was not easy for any side I guess.”   
“Shh, you had enough of that. I am sure things will be alright. You both can work on that and you can be with Taeyong, being you - and as it seems… still being his son with not losing anything for it.”   
  
Another pause, the sigh on the other end made it clear that Yoonoh struggled with tears. He was so soft and gentle, that he had to deal with this mess before was the unfairest thing one could do to a man like him. “I am happy - for you… Taeyong...your parents.”   
“Thank you.” Yoonoh managed but it was still audible in his voice that this was very emotional to him. Even Johnny felt that. “We should celebrate this.” Was his first suggestion and his best friend immediately agreed. “Yes. Please… ask Ten to come with us. Let us go to the wine bar - drinks on me.”   
“You always pay..” Johnny said with a sigh.   
“And you always protest about it.” Yoonoh laughed. “Allow me this one more time… You know that.. Taeyong and I went to that bar the first time we actually.. Talked aside from the project and got closer..”   
“I remember” Johnny answered and sighed in defeat.   
“Just message me when you have a table for us, and I’ll make sure we will be there.”   
“Great. Johnny?”   
“Yeah?”   
“Thank you.”   
“Huh?”   
A pause.   
“For being you. You helped me so much and are always watching out for me.”   
Johnny smiled.   
“That’s what friends do, Yoonoh. You would do the same.”   
This was inevitably true but still the businessman added.   
“You are more than just a friend to me and you know it. You are like the big brother I never had.“   
“Just as much as you are the little brother I always wanted to look after.”   
“Sh.. we are cheesy as fuck. But yeah… “ Yoonoh commented.   
  
Both chuckled and amused before they said their goodbye.   
By then Ten had returned to the bedroom and crawled back to bed next to Johnny. “Good morning” he said with a hum and kissed Ten’s forehead.   
  
He told his boyfriend about the latest news. Everyone seemed very relieved about this development.

There was always hope when you at least expected it.

That night - Johnny and Ten went out with Yoonoh, Taeyong, Yuta and Sicheng.   
Yoonoh seemed so replenished, lively, happy. Since that fight there had been something else radiating from the businessman. Now, it was completely gone. 

He was the old Yoonoh again - just a happier version of it. Same for Yuta. Same for him.

All of them pretty much found themselves in a much better situation than before meeting one another.

Everything just felt right. 

***

Some weeks later.   
  
„Coffee?“ Johnny asked once he prepared it in his French Press, leaning over to fill Ten’s mug when he nodded, and then filling his own. He had prepared breakfast for the two, had been out jogging pretty early this day and stopped at the coffee shop to get them some bagels and buns. Ten came home late the day before, so the photographer figured that he would sleep in a little.   
Deserved.   
Ten was working hard on another collaboration project. According to him, they made good progress and soon enough will have the chance to perform on stage. This will be the time where they - especially Ten - receive the praise they/he deserve for their/his efforts, sweat and tears.

Johnny felt like spoiling his boyfriend today as a little start. And just when the two meant to start having breakfast together, someone rang the doorbell. Johnny wondered who that might be, not expecting anyone. Hopefully nothing happened to Yoonoh or Taeyong. Johnny stood up and opened the door. To his surprise he was greeted by a loud meowing sound and Sue, who held the transport cage with Sparks in it in both of her hands.

“Sue?”

Johnny had not expected to hear from her again to be honest, eyes moving to the little furball who was eager to finally get out of the cage and into the apartment.

But the photographer did not invite his ex girlfriend into his apartment, just waiting for her to explain herself.

“Hi, Johnny. Uhm… I… don’t really know how to start this.” Sue began and Johnny had a feeling that it must be hard for her to show up, she rarely struggled to speak. 

“I am in trouble” She then summed it up and Johnny sighed. He could not keep up the distance hearing that, probably calculated by her.   
  
Regardless – he stepped aside.   
“Come in.” and closed the door behind her, aware that Ten was there, yet had now shown up to greet the visitor, which was in a way understandable.

“You rarely change anything in your apartment”   
Sue claimed as she looked around but Johnny did not say anything, rather waiting for her to finally talk.

“What do you need, Sue?” He crossed his arms and was waiting, Sparks another time protesting in the cage.

“Would you take care of Sparks for me?” She then said and sighed with a heavy heart. “Permanently.”

“Why?” Johnny asked, already knowing that he will agree on that for sure, missing his little friend way too much and hating to hear the little meows calling for freedom.

“I am moving to Paris…I’ve met someone who wants to give me a big chance of modelling there.” Sue explained and Johnny brushed his hair back.   
“And there is no place for him, mh?” Sue only nodded.   
  
It was visible in her expression that this was hard for her. She loved the cat, never mistreated him.   
Her priorities were just way too self centered at this moment.

“Is this serious for you, Sue?” Johnny asked next, it was hard to tell for him, her reasons for the break up and all way too present on his mind.

She always came to him when she was in need of something. But then dropped him for the next best chance. The last thing Johnny wanted was for her to change her mind and want Sparks back. 

If Johnny adopts the little fellow, then truly permanently. This was only fair to him and to the cat.

“Yes. I love him.” Sue answered and Johnny saw Ten appearing from the kitchen, he immediately eased his defensive stance, smiling at his boyfriend.   
Sue turned and faced the dancer, eyes narrowing as he did look familiar to her but could not remember from where.

“Ten, this is Sue. Sue, meet Ten – my boyfriend.” It was the most natural thing for Johnny to say it like that, but Sue froze, looking from Johnny to Ten and back. 

“Your... boyfriend?”

Johnny reached out for Ten to join him, taking the hand and pulling him close to wrap his arm around the other. 

“Yes. You’ve heard right.”

“Oh…” was all she said, it seemed she needed to process that and looked at the cat. 

“Well… good for you, I guess.” Finally a smile showed but it was more a polite one than a genuine one. At this point Johnny could care less.   
“Would you still… take care of Sparks?” She asked and then turned her face to Ten. “I hope you are not allergic to cats, right?”

Johnny got on his knees to look into the cage and smiled from one ear to the other. “Hey buddy. Have you missed me?” He asked like he would speak to a little kid and a meow from in the cage could surely only mean a yes. “You want to stay with me?” He opened the cage and the cat was allowed to be picked up. Johnny stroked through the long fur and still beamed happily. 

He loved the cat. 

“He is yours then. I…really need to go now.” Sue said and patted Sparks head a last time. “I am going to miss you, but I know you will have it good here.” she smiled, eyes teary and then she left without even saying big goodbyes to Johnny or Ten. 

It seemed that she really wanted to leave right then to not break into tears. Johnny just watched her leave, closing the door again, just like more than a year ago when she left him. 

Just that this time, Johnny smiled and held Sparks in his arms, and Ten was at his side. He was not left alone.   
  
Hazel eyes turned to his boyfriend and Johnny introduced them. “Chittaphon, this is Sparks.., I am sure you both will get along nicely, because you both are very much alike.. In a way.” 

Johnny chuckled amused and was still stroking the cat.

“I thought many times to get me a cat again, but I felt bad for leaving it when I would travel and all. But now that I stay here and with you… having my heart, keys and pretty much living here with me now - Sparks won’t be that lonely to do any nonsense.”

He let the cat free from his hug and the cat immediately ran around to check the familiar surroundings, soon enough finding it’s favourite spot at the window, which pretty much repeated the lovely motive Johnny had shown at the exhibition… back when everything that was good in his life right now began. 

A life with Chittaphon …. or _“Ten - the number”_.

His personal number _One_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this epilogue we'll say goodbye for now. Thank you to everyone who's read this fic, to those of you who have followed through since the very start, waiting and believing in us! To everyone who has found the fic on its way to be completed, and to any who might be reading this after it's finished! We're so grateful for your support, your kudos, bookmarks, for anyone who takes time off to write us a comment (or many)—it means the world to us! Thank you and we hope you've enjoyed this story, the ups and downs the characters faced! We'll take this moment to wish real life Ten a happy birthday too and hope he's had the best of days! Thank you!


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